I used to post in the MLC forum. Haven't been actively thinking about DBing lately, but it has become a part of me by now. H had and A with his foreign trainee. He moved out but came back after 4 months when OW had to go back to her country. H has been back home for one year and 9 months.
Looking back I must say the first 4 months after H came back were just horrible. He was crancky, sleeping all the time, sending messages to OW and other female "friends", having no patience with the kids, basically not taking part in our daily life, not doing groceries, not driving kids to their hobbies, not wanting to see old friends, not contacting his parents... I mostly let him be, only when it was important for the kids that he be there, I told him it was not all about him. Otherwise I did everything alone with the kids, and asked if he wanted to come along. Mostly he didn't.
Then he started coming along on his own terms. One Saturday I and the kids took our bikes and rode to the natural history museum, and H took the car and met us there. Once we went swimming and he decided to come along, but he didn't come into the pool.
H has a serious anger problem. He has always been bad at showing his anger, he's like another person. In my old life I went along with him, and we had these stupid yelling matches maybe once every 6 months. When he left and I had to face what I hade become, I realized that it was not the real me, I didn't have to be the screaming b*tch. So I stopped behaving like one.
H didn't stop it, he turned worse (maybe because I changed?). I was so scared he would leave after all my hard work, I didn't want to face it. But people on this board made me see that I don't have to accept him raving like a mad man. The low point was hit when he had a fit and accused me of yelling at the kids and then when he does the same, I come in between. This was the first time when I was actually scared of him, of what he might do. I told him if he didn't stop, I would call the police. He smashed the phone to pieces. I guess he finally realized he was scaring the kids, and he calmed down. He could not see why I had been scared, for him it was more like an insult, because he was not going to do any harm (!!)
Afterwards I did some research on domestic violence. That opened my eyes too. I had belittled mental violence, yelling, breaking things. I made a power point presentation (his language...) about what it is, how it affects the kids, and most of all, what can be done about it. I stated that if one of us is ever again afraid in our home, I will take the kids and go to a safe house (or whatever it is called) and won't come back until he gets help.
The whole family watched the show. H was very remorseful, but most important, he knows I mean business. Next time, and I have to anticipate it, I won't panic. I don't care if he leaves, he has no place to go, he doesn't really want to lose us.
He will have to learn other ways to express his anger. I know it is difficult without help. That's why I think it will have to get worse until it gets better, and someday we will visit the safe house.
After that incident we've had lots of potential crisis situations (like all families with kids...) He has handeled them well. But I try not to kid myself into believing we have no problem.
Looking at the positives, they just keep coming. On my first birthday after he came back I got nothing. He would not even have mumbled congratulations, had the kids not been there congratulating me. Next year I got 40 red roses. The Christmas after that I got a small diamond necklace. So if its true that gifts are important for a MLCer, I'm doing pretty good...
We are starting to have a social life again. A few weeks ago we invited some old friends, and after they left, H said: oh what a great time we had, they are such fun people. Of those very people he had said - in his crisis mode - that he can't stand them...
H also arranged a mother's day celebration at the school, and gave a speech for all mothers. Then we invited even more people over, and had a real party, H was a great host and enjoyed himself.
H doesn't want to have R talk. This is hard, but I'm trying to wait for the right moment. Once every month or so we have maybe 5 minutes of it. When he had been home for around a year, I asked if he's still sending messages to OWs. He said he wasn't. I guess I have to take his word for it.
A couple of weeks ago he said he could not understand how I had managed to stay so happy after he did "the worst thing a man can do". I had been wondering if he had noticed the changes I had made, and I asked him that. He said that he was amazed of how I had changed, that I was now perfect in every way, and how could that be possible.
I said that believe it or not, I read some really good books that made me see what life is all about, and helped me in my personal growth. - He sneers at self-help books. I said that I didn't like what I had become, and I needed to change that, and now I liked myself again. I said that maybe without his A I might never have noticed anything, and had stayed miserable. He couldn't believe his ears, that I thought something good might have come out of his affair.
I said it is possible to change. He said he didn't know how, and that maybe he should read one of my books. Now wouldn't that be a start! I'm a bit hesitant of giving him the DB book, with my underlinings, scribblings on the margin, that's maybe too much.
Dauphine
M40, H41, D12, S10, S7 Married 13 years H left 4/2005 H came back 8/2005 piecing for the rest of my life
welcome! you've had a rough time piecing, without the violent outburst you are describing my H to a T (and me too in you!) for, yes, the first 3-4mths he was back. It takes a while but they can came around and that person we married.
If he wants to read a book with you I highly recommend "Healing the hurt in your marriage" take advantage that he wants to do this!! my H always scoffs at my self help books too, so now that he said he wants to read with you strike while the iron is hot. This great book starts with ways to cope with conflict, as you know, 69% of issues at home are NOT solvable, what's left is us learning to give and take and make deals.
You and him have come a long way, always count the positive aspects of our R.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks Cat03! I'll get the book and have him read it! I'm pretty sure he's getting ready for some changes himself, too. When he sees the changes in me, he can't keep thinking changing is impossible (like I used to believe). Sometimes I wonder how our marriage survived over 10 years, when I knew so little about relationships and happiness and life in general! When he was thinking about leaving, I saw he had googled "what is love". Well I didn't know what it was either but now I do.
M40, H41, D12, S10, S7 Married 13 years H left 4/2005 H came back 8/2005 piecing for the rest of my life
