GD's New Dance

[Not Much Left]

I think us men dont get it either. We sometimes hope so bad it will work out we remain stuck in our detachment cuz we provide the money (if that is the case) which in and of itself is controlling, i.e. if we keep providing, she will see the light and come back. I think this is way off topic now that I have typed it, oh well.

C

[oldtimer]

I think you mean stuck in your "attachment"...

[ItsKat]

Hi GD,

That was an impressive conversation you had w/ your W. I think it is great that you both we able to stay respectful and calm through the whole thing. You guys were talking about some heavy stuff (your R/M, $$$) and I am glad it didn't get ugly. That shows some growth in both of you, right?

I happy for you that she mentioned that she noticed the good changes in you (how could she not?). You have really worked hard on those things and I am sure it feels good to get some validation for it. Even if it doesn't influence her to change her mind about working on your M now, you know now that she knows how you have changed and maybe down the road, when she works on herself too, it will help her to see you and her R w/ you in a different light.

I agree with what you said about how she needs to break up w/ her BF in order for her to really work on herself (not that there is anything you can do to make her break-up w/ BF). I think time being on your own is important to really figure out who you are and who you want to be. When you constantly have an OP in your life, it is really easy to blame everything on them as to why you aren't happy. People who just go from person to person to person with no time by themselves in between never seem to figure that out.

I think I had more to say, but I have to go pick up the kids. Later!

[Heimlich]

GD,

All of the above and Wow. Tremendous conversation. Lots of validation for you regarding your changes from someone positioned to know best.

OT kindof hit on something too. I know you feel guilty, but you're W did decide to leave.

Overlooked, I think, in all of this is that the D has been postponed until Dec. I know you're pretty detached from your W right now, but, who knows, you might feel differently next week. Keep it up. You are the man.

BD

[SuperDad]

Overlooked, I think, in all of this is that the D has been postponed until Dec. I know you're pretty detached from your W right now, but, who knows, you might feel differently next week.

GD,
I gotta say this and please don't take it the wrong way. IF your W breaks it off with BF and wants to come back, DON"T TAKE HER BACK!!! REALLY!!!!

She needs time and space to figure out who she is. If you were to take her back now, she would lose this chance. She would not be able to find out what it is like to live in the real world and support herself. You would never know if she came back to be with you and your money.

This is not being mean, just realistic. Maybe, if you feel like if, a year or so after she breaks up with her BF (yup, not if but when), you can ask her out for a cup of coffee and decide if there is anything there. I bet you won't want to, but ya never know.

SD

[Heimlich]

Thanks for pointing out something I didn't really intend with my post, SD. I didn't mean to suggest taking her back with open arms, just that GD has, until VERY recently, been very engaged in reestablishing a R with his W. She's got a shiteload of R work to do, and GD knows that (heck, we know that and we've never even met the woman), I was just trying to point out that there might be something there in the future and not to get vindictive or mean or anything.

I've stated that poorly, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to get at.

I tend to agree with you SD, if/when GD W decides to pull her head from her buttocks, GD will have a nice, new spud farmer to be with

BD

[alk24]

This is totally off topic, but GD, do the do your dance on Dancing with the Stars? I don't remeber the Lindy.


p.s. I love that show.

[NikB]

Sounds like you did pretty well, GD. I think Oldtimer makes some very valid points here. Don't kick yourself later for giving her way more than she's entitled to.

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks everyone!

alk (Mandi?),

I don't know if they did on that show, but they did on "So You Think You Can Dance?". Didn't get to see it though. Go to YouTube.com and search for "Lindy Hop" -- you'll see some amazing stuff! Actually, if you can search for "Hellzapoppin'" (I believe) on YouTube, you'll see some of the greatest Lindy Stuff I've ever seen! It'll show you a clip from that movie -- it was made in 1941.

SD,

I couldn't agree with you more -- I'm not taking her back until she works on her own issues and makes what I believe are necessary changes in her if she wants to get back together with me. Right now I hear she's really mad at me (just heard it from our mutual friend). He said that she went out for a beer with his fiance last night and cried a lot, saying that life wasn't fair, that I had no right to do this, blah, blah, blah. Apparently she's pretty pissed off at me. She still doesn't get it -- can't accept her responsibility for where she is at, and I'm done worrying about it.

And I do agree -- "when" she breaks up with her BF (or vice versa). It's not going to last. She's there mostly out of convenience at this point, and I just made it more likely that she will stay with him for this. She's going to make herself miserable for a while before she sees the light, I think, and I can only sit back and allow her to hit rock bottom. I wouldn't take her back right now -- I think I even told her as much yesterday during the talk (but I can't remember, for sure).

Heim,

I know what you meant -- one never knows what can happen over these next 3 months, and I will keep an open mind (though I don't believe anything will change).

Nomo and OT,

I think I'm going to take your advice to not include any financial niceties into the D decree. I'll play it by ear, and if W treats me like dirt, crap, etc, she'll have to deal with how that affects me and my choices to help her in the future. I hate to sound conditional with my help, but I can't imagine wanting to help her when she treats me wrong and communicates negatively with me.

Kat,

I think W didn't get ugly because she new it would potentially cement my decision to take back the offer (because she obviously wasn't sure I would stick to my guns). I'm expecting her to be ugly here in the near future, but also expect for her to settle down again (and even by nice and friendly) as we get closer to the new D date, hoping this will change my mind. Not going to happen, though.

Yep, she's going to have to be on her own and fend for herself for a while before she'll even consider working on herself. Hope she gets the opportunity. I kind of feel sorry for her, despite how she is behaving.

GD

[Gone Dancin']

Oh, and I am open to constructive criticism (or 2x4s!) regarding the way I handled yesterday's conversation with W that I posted today.