Today was another interesting day in my long string of interesting days in my Sitch of Hope. I worked side-by-side (literally) all morning in the same room as my W. She asked me to assist her on some of her items and I just kept working away despite W's interruptions. NP really.
At some point, W tells me she wants to see our children tonight (MY night) and I ask her if she wants to know my true thoughts? She says that if I am going to say NO, that she will lose it. She then tells me that MY vendetta against her is only hurting the children. I tell her MY vendetta? You are the one who has a vendetta; against me! She tells me she does not have a vendetta against me, that she has been nothing but nice. I ask her what have you done to show me that you DON'T have a vendetta against me? She says NOTHING. I say, exactly.
It's troubling that she sees her demands as friendly requests . I was considering which answer was best and I told her I will give her my answer. She took what I said to mean NO and she left work and picked up our children early. She sent me a text message that she picked up our children and that she'd bring them to me at 7:00pm.
As I was leaving, I called her to discuss where she would be with the children and made the mistake, like I have often done, of asking W about the details of her life. I asked how she was getting to the airport. Honestly, my outlook on the subject is that it is better for me to KNOW than to NOT know what is up! What W told me is that OM is taking her to the airport and then she told me that OM is actually going to Hawaii with her after the drama at her house. THIS, after W told me that she broke up with OM and that he was NOT at her house on Fri morning when I asked her about his car out front. Oh well, at least I KNOW what I know. No wondering. Easier to plan my life from strength rather than blindness.
W starts to tell me about 'heavy drama' at her house last night regarding OM going to Hawaii with her again rather than OM's sister and then she stopped, saying you probably don't want to hear this. I said, you're right. It is not my concern. I hope you are happy in your life and with your choices.
When W brought our children to me, I saw her parking and I went out to meet her. She immediately questioned WHY I came out to meet her and she continued on inside. She was suspicious that I was trying to hide the fact that I had 'someone' in my place. I didn't have anyone in my place. I never do. Another misplaced suspicion of hers. I tell her that I need to talk with her and we go back out to her car. I tell her that I feel it is best that we put our agreement in writing and go forward with a formal separation thru the mediator. I tell her my reasons; that she has proven herself to lack character and integrity and that she has also proven herself to be a chronic liar.
She gets pissed and tells me that I cheated on her. I am finding her incessant shoving THAT in my face amusing. I know that my affair is a symptom of our M problem, not THE problem. W tries to justify her 9 months of acting so poorly on my affair, as though she had NO choice in making her choices and in her behavior. Of course, I FORCED her to act this way by having the affair. More finger pointing and NOT taking responsibility for her own behavior. Interesting, but sad. She leaves telling me that she is not going to take MY abuse. My poor W is so delusional. Reality is such a foreign concept to her.
She later send me two text messages saying that I am trying to keep her fchildren rom her when I KNOW she is leaving for 10 days. My response is that I am NOT trying to keep her children from her. In fact, Friday evening was the FIRST time that I said no to her and look at the sh*t storm I am treated to. I tell her, YOU have known for weeks that you were leaving for 10 days and you haven't made plans AHEAD of time to spend more time with our children. You expect to tell me what you want at the last minute and for me to just bend over to accomodate you. You saw D this weekend and that was at HER request, NOT yours. W says that she wasn't going to ask me to see our children again on Sunday because I had already told her NO on her Friday to her request to see them before she went ahead with her 'plans' for later Fri evening. More blame for Tom. Fantastic! She is so averse to taking responsibility for what she does and doesn't do. My thought? Grow the F up! Act your F-ing age!
I also asked her again to pick the holidays she wanted to spend with our children this year and I would take those holdidays next time. She said she's not going to pick holidays, that I should do it if I wanted to do so. I do. I will give her one last opportunity to have first pick. If she won't, then I will. Unfortunately, this is what D smells like. Yuck.
It will be interesting. MIL will return from her trip while W is in Hawaii with OM. I'll need to bring MIL up to date because W will bring her up to date with W's twisted version of reality. Better yet, I'll tell MIL to let me know when W brings her up to date and THEN I will tell her MY verson of what happened. Strange side note: about 1 week before MIL left on her trip, she says that I should plan on going over to Hawaii with her (MIL) and my children. MIL said she considered W's trip to Hawaii as wiping our her available vacation time. Yikes! W is her daughter and W's behavior rubs MIL wrong. Interesting. MIL won't say anything to W, but interesting nonetheless.
So this is where I am. I am not the best DBer in the world, but I can say that on this BB I have gained a sense of self. I have rebuilt my self-esteem. I have learned whtat it truly means to be a man. I have grown to acknowledge that I have a right to be treated respectfully. Perhaps my W will decide to walk us through the D door. OR, perhaps she will get a huge helping of guilt and humble pie AND begin living within her integrity. At least that is my hope. Again, thanks for listening.
Quote: My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A.
HH ~ How do you know that? I'm not asking for YOU. I'm asking for ME. I have a good PMA the majority of the time and I am confident about MANY things although not all...and yet there is STILL something that drives me to try to make amends and atone...and I KNOW that is unreasonable.
So how do those things let YOU know that? This question may not even make sense but the statement just struck me...I hope the answer is that you truly do not struggle with guilt, I still do and it's a b*tch quite frankly because knowing that, I have to seriously contemplate most things I do regarding my husband.
Good for you if you have deliverance. Can't wait til I accept mine That's the battle, you know? Not in receiving, because it has already been given..but in ACCEPTING it...
As I told you on the phone, she e-mailed me back about some work issues. She also e-mailed that she had arrived safely and that she was sorry that she hadn't called earlier to let me know that.
My thoughts; why the apology; why the concern about my thoughts and feelings, especially since she has spent 9 months making it clear that I am the least of her concerns. Well, 10 days together in Hawaii ought to be an eye opening experience for ALL of us: me, W, and OM.
I look forward to my trip to Disneyland with our children. THAT will be relaxing and fun, plus a fantastic and much needed distraction from my sitch. Now my job is to stay focused on what IS and not allow myself to get stuck in the muck.
I certainly hope so. At some point I am going to need to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt and stop giving her chance after chance. We'll see soon enough.
I am still in no hurry to end my M despite her poor and hurtful choices and behavior. But, SHE has to live HER life and in doing so, she helps me walk down the path to my serenity and inner peace. She may choose to join me, but either way, I owe it to myself and my children to make myself happy, healthy and whole.
Quote: My own PMA and confidence has grown enough to allow me to affirm that I have atoned and made amends for my A.
Quote: HH ~ How do you know that? I'm not asking for YOU. I'm asking for ME. I have a good PMA the majority of the time and I am confident about MANY things although not all...and yet there is STILL something that drives me to try to make amends and atone...and I KNOW that is unreasonable.
I know that because of the FEELING I no longer have in my gut when my own inner self screams out that I must act from MY integrity and speak up MY truth. I don't have to say my truth in a mean way, but truth is truth, today, tomorrow, and always. I used to be afraid of what my W would think when I spoke up. I would be afraid that she would D me. After 9 months, I don't have anything to lose. She is lost and her behavior has been purposely hurtful, calculatedly vindictive and just plain aweful. As I told her recently, her behavior shown that she lacks character and integrity and has proven herself to be a chronic liar.
With all of that, my own self work, and the help of friends both here and on the board, I have realized that I have apologized sincerely and sufficiently. I have behaved respectfully, honestly, patiently, lovingly, from MY integrity, and with understanding. Since SHE has free will, and has consistently acted from her free will, my reaching out is done. I have decided to pull myself back and love her from a distance while showing my children that they are loved despite what mommy and daddy are going thru.
Quote: So how do those things let YOU know that? This question may not even make sense but the statement just struck me...I hope the answer is that you truly do not struggle with guilt, I still do and it's a b*tch quite frankly because knowing that, I have to seriously contemplate most things I do regarding my husband.
The direct answer to your question is that NO, I no longer struggle with guilt. Guilt was my constant companion and guilt caused me many sleepless nights. But I have repented for my sin sasked for forgiveness and I know that I have been forgiven by The Father. Finally KNOWING that I have been forgiven and KNOWING that I have worked diligently to make amends with my W tells me what YOU have told me, that some wounds are beyond my healing and some of W's wounds pre-date our meeting each other. That leaves me with the huge job still of taking care of me and our 2 beautiful, innocent and perfect children.
Quote: Good for you if you have deliverance. Can't wait til I accept mine That's the battle, you know? Not in receiving, because it has already been given..but in ACCEPTING it...
THAT I do know. I learned that from YOU! YOU have always been my guiding light. You've always pointed me in the right spiritual direction. For that I will be eternally grateful. In you, I found someone who persistently nudged me along my spiritual journey to strengthen my R with God. Thank you.
Quote: Just ramblin'
Especially here, I often ramble aimlessly and then edit ad nauseum. THAT'S why I am on my SIXTTH time writing my repsonse to you. I have made a personal resolution today. No more taking so darn long responding. I will just type away to the best of my not-so-good typing ability and let others ask me questions when I am unclear. At least I'd know that my posts are being read and that my sitch is (hopefully) making a positive impact on others.
In closing, I am struggling with detaching. My W is in Hawaii with OM ATM, and I have a rest from the constant struggles of interacting with her craziness daily. Regardless, when she returns, I will be DARK but respectful. I will love her, but from a safe distance, FOR ME. And, I will be looking forward to my trip to Disneyland with my children next month.
The past week has been really enlightening for me about me. I have grown leaps and bounds in my sitch from the beginning until now. I have developed some good friendships on the boards here and have been told that I have progressed a long way since the beginning, but especially in the past 2-1/2 to 3 months.
Most recently, I was 'treated' to a RED FLAG by my lying, cheating W. When I confirmed AGAIN that she was continuing on in her affair despite repeated denials and lies I had the courabe and need to tell her that she is TOXIC and that her behavior has shown that she lacks character & integrity. I also told her that her behavior has also shown me that shse is a chronic liar and that I no longer trust her.
I told her that since we work together, I'd have to talk to her at work but woild strictly limit those conversations to work topics. Same thing for our children. I told her that we'd have to toalk about our children, but I'd limit our conversations to topices directly related to our childrens' care. Additionally, I UNinvited her to my trip to Disneyland with our children.
I have grown strong enough to NO LONGER give a sh*t what is going to piss off my W. Don't get me wrong, I still VERY CAREFULLY choose what I am going to say AND I rehearse it ahead of time so I am able to say exactly what I need to say and what I believe she needs to hear without sh*tty tone, jerky inflections/body language and/or raising my voice unnecessarily. You see, I don't want to hurt her, I have simply stopped feeding into her bullsh*t and being a co-dependent wimp of a husband. I speck TRUTH to her with loving detachment; no emotion, just FACT!
What I have been telling myself from quite some time now is that I am not concerned with the degree of anger and/or hate she has for me. She's lost and her F-ed up emotions NO LONGER rule me and determine my behavior and actions. I finally FEEL the thoght and it is real for me. I am free of my own damn behavioral shackles and am determining my own destiny.
I am have been able to do this because of this BB and all of you, but mostly with the help of AmyC's spiritual guidance, encouragement and proddingand Frank_D's unwavering belief in my ability to be The Superior Man . Strangely, I had the ability all along to guide myself spiritually, emotionally, and behaviorally but I was so f*cking paralyzed in my M and in trying to hold it together that I didn't even realize that I surrendered my balls to my W when we first go together and I neglected to retrieve them and place them back in my dman pants where they belong. Funny thing happened when Frank's direction and admonition sunk in, and I mean REALLY sunk in! I acted on it and, like magic, my fears and hesitation to act and speak truth to my W disappeared. I am free of so much BS that I shackled myself with for so long.
Interesting story about telling my W that she is a toxic person was that the conversation happened on the phone. I was pretty certain she would hang up on me, as is her regular M.O. when a aconversation does not go as she wishes. Well, she didn't hang up; she actually listened to EVERYTHING, ALL of that naked truth. At one point, she began trying to refute/lie to me and I calmly told her that my feelings/truth are NOT up for discussino nor debate and I would appreciate it if she would just listen and then contemplate what I told her. Amazingly, she did so! Wow! Good for her. Good for me, too.
Since she has been in Hawaii, she has called a few times. My stress personal life slevel has been at ZERO! Out of necessity, I had to speak with W when she called and she would ask to speak with me. I'd answer her questino and quickly end our interaction. I am not mad at her. I am just saddened and find her behavior appalling, therefore I keep our conversations to a minimum after respectfully answereing her questions. It't so new and feels so good to be the one who is ending our interaction on MY terms and on my timeframe. I am detaching like a trooper. It's less difficult that I thought it was going to be, but I do have to remind myself that she is out of town right now and she will be back in town soon and we will be, once again, sharing the same small office. Good news is that I am NOT dreading. I am working to ascribe to the symptom of inner peace that says it is, 'an increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen...."
I still believe that despite my W's wacky behavior, we do still have the opportunity to reconcile and build our M anew. My heart is still open to that possibility, and I know aht we both have a lot of growing to do to make our M what we both have always wanted and needed it to be. One thing though that I know I cannot help her with: she needs to grow the F up! As AmyC told me a long time ago, some hurts are beyond MY healing powers and I nust ask God to heal her. And so I do. I invite Him to toudh her and heal her. Amen.
Well, that's enough of my meandering ramblinbs. I am proud of me, I actually didn't proofread and edit ad nauseum to get this monologue uploaded to the BB. Next step for me is to get back to reading on the boards and offering some of my insights that I have gained in my 9 months on these boards to those who have less experience and fresher emotional wounds. Night all.
Moving my thread to "We're Separated--What Now?" Hope those interested me, follow me there. I have figured out that the true problem of my M was not my A; the A was simply a nasty symptom of serious marital problems. I have finally forgiven myself for my mistake. Now I am working to hold on to the threads of my M that most people in my life tell me only exist in my warped imagination. Hope to see you all there for more follow-up on my sitch covering the past 2-1/2 months of my hiatus from the boards. Thanks.
I was considering which answer was best and I told her I will give her my answer. She took what I said to mean NO and she left work and picked up our children early. She sent me a text message that she picked up our children and that she'd bring them to me at 7:00pm.
YOU have always been my guiding light. You've always pointed me in the right spiritual direction. For that I will be eternally grateful. In you, I found someone who persistently nudged me along my spiritual journey to strengthen my R with God. Thank you.