If a specific post was interesting or useful to you, we recommend that you Like that post. It tells the post author, and others, that you found the information valuable. Clicking Like is another way to let others know that you enjoy it without leaving a comment.
Log in to join the conversation and Like this content.
I have read everywhere not to confront to the fact you know they are still in contact and to just let it run and fall apart on its own, but for how long?
A crisis is a horrible thing. Affairs need to run their course. Trying to break them up usually leads to an “us against the world” strengthening of their illicit bond.
Affairs are based in fantasy. And it is near impossible to kill a fantasy. Why? Because it is not real. It is in one’s mind. Reality, consequences, interventions, slaps in the face, whatever, all fall short and can be, will be, ignored. MLCers are running. Hard and fast. Until their pain of keeping such illicit behaviour alive outweighs their pain of ending it.
As for how long.
Originally Posted by jessieht
He wouldn't even go to a friends house for our daughters birthday dinner. He said he didn't want to be around anyone. He has also started self victimizing with anything said or done saying we dont want him at home and non of us love him, he should just leave. Not sleeping hardly at all and just other odd stuff like whispering to himself and talking to himself a lot. and not in an external processing way. like full angry conversations with himself. Very paranoid and thinks everyone especially me are out to take hime for everything. the kids have also seen him crying a few times. Could this be the slide down to rock bottoms basement? I hate to see that for him but know it has to happen for him to start to walk out of it.
No one can know how long it will last. The crisis person has their demons and trauma(s) to work through. They have their substandard toolbox of coping mechanisms to first build up. And they have all their running behaviours (affairs) to face as well. Quite a mountain to summit.
That being said, your H is exhibiting a significant slide downward. This is indicative of slowing the running and starting to look inward. Perhaps this behaviour will last, perhaps it will pause for a time and restart. H’s progress is mostly internal and hidden from view. To see such significant suffering leads credence that there is something pretty big going on inside.
You are correct, H needs to hit rock bottom. He is on his way by the sounds of it. Nasty stuff, isn’t it? Hard to watch. Hate to see it. However, it’s needed. Be kind and cordial and leave him to God’s hands.
Originally Posted by jessieht
[I] just tell him I hear him and understand and am sorry he feels that way.
Good for you.
Perhaps a tip, don’t tell him you understand. Just let him know you hear.
Folks in deep depression have a very hard time believing that anyone understands how they feel. In fact, most times they do not want to be understood; they’re not ready to be understood. As such, statements of understanding usually have a detrimental effect and push the depressed person away. Just be empathic and let him speak and be heard. And of course, stick to your boundaries on disrespect.
Originally Posted by jessieht
do people really come back from stuff like this? It seems so hopeless that he will ever turn around or wake up.
Yes folks do come back from this.
I believe that near everyone can come back. It’s a matter of do they have enough sand left in their hourglass. Some take years, some take decades, and some run out of time.
How, or more accurately, who they return as is unknown.
A crisis is a midlife transition gone way off the rails. A midlife transition leads to inner changes, just as all life’s stages/transitions do. Finding their way through their crisis reconciles long ago trauma(s) and transitions, and has them growing up from when they were emotionally stunted. A person exiting their crisis, or any transition, is not who they were when they entered it.
Most folks, crisis or otherwise, exit more mellow, refined, easy going. Some, especially those with more life regrets than accolades/accomplishments (a trend that society is seemingly on) exit more bitter and angry. It’s pretty easy to see those who have found peace and contentment is their golden years, and those who have not.
Interestingly, us LBS, with all the pain and sorrow and horrific events, usually sees the golden opportunity placed before them. I think most grow, and become whole and healed, and find peace and contentment from their most, at first, unwanted situations.
Originally Posted by jessieht
Stuff just went down hill for him last night. i remained calm and collected. More screaming, foot stomping and door slamming with all of the "no one cares if I am around anyway". I didn't react to this and he yelled at our 8yo daughter that she was a quitter in front of everyone making her cry and left in the middle of her and my sons game only minutes after arriving. Then when he got home he sat in his truck and seemingly cried for about 20 min before coming in the house and then sat in the dark living room all by himself in silence. Then My daughter had a anxiety attack this morning and he was screaming about how ridiculous she was on the phone to me because he had to drive the mile and a half to school to talk and possibly pick her up. It just seems to be on a downward spiral that he is grasping at anything he can to keep from falling. I know I can not go down there with him and he needs it to turn around but it is killing to see.
(((Hugs)))
Most MLCers become terrible parents. They are so consumed and lash out/ignore everyone and everything. Especially those who go against their narrative.
Oh my goodness, the stuff my XW did to our kids. She, oddly, blamed and attacked them much more than me. Stalking the kids, arguing, seeing her own daughter as a rival, trying to pick up/flit with the boys at the high school track meet, yelling at son, ignoring another son’s birthday, just to name a few. Crazy stuff!
This last weekend we had a birthday party for my Dad, son, and DIL, eleven of us there, lots of fun. Some stories came up about old times with Mom after BD. One was when she went to the grocery store where my youngest son and daughter worked (all four of my kids worked there over the years) and was digging through the Christmas oranges. She was opening the boxes to find the tasty ones. She professed could see the aura of the oranges. So, there she was, multiple boxes open, picking, examining, and moving the oranges about to make one good box of oranges. Of course, can’t forget when she went shopping in only some very short shorts and a bra, or did her lawn mowing job at 10:00pm in pink thigh high leggings, bra, and work boots. The noise woke up her grass mowing client and she was told to not mow at night. lol. So much wild crazy stuff over these years!
Some advice I got when I first got here and I really took to heart: It only takes one strong stable parent.
In my situation it was very clear that Mom was not Mom anymore. She threw the kids away. She wanted no responsibility for them, financial or otherwise. Certainly heartbreaking. Yet I, the kids, we moved forward and healed.
MLCers have the attention span of a gnat. They forget appointments, miss birthdays, and so on. For anything critical I’d not leave it to H. Make arrangements to ensure kids are picked up or looked after or whatever.
The yelling at them, and wild behaviours of Dad, is a source of difficult conversations. Be open and honest, and age appropriate of course. Kids need answers and will find them elsewhere if we do not offer/provide them. The internet, their friends, their imagination, are some vectors of such “answers” and explanations. It’s better if you are involved. Lead and they will follow. Gently steer. Be their living example.
