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Good Morning aph

Self loathing, feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough, feeling like a failure, are pretty normal and standard reactions to these traumatic situations. We folks do tend to define ourselves by various external characteristics. Our marital status, and employment, being two of the major ones.

You have been clobbered on both of those fronts. Of course you’re going to feel it. And you’re going to feel like crap.

You recall my post where I asked you to smile? Recall the talking about feelings and influences and paths (physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual)? How feelings are fleeting? And not facts.

Your feelings are true. It’s how you presently feel, how you currently are emotionally responding to stimulus, both external and internal. It’s not forever, though it “feels” like it. (((Hug)))

These emotions are quite a bog to find one’s way through. Dark, entangling, engulfing. Just like a bog, it’s a difficult slog putting one foot in front of the other. Every step takes so much effort to pull your foot out and then splurk it into the next part of the muck and journey.

Remember, the quickest way through is a straight line. Just keep moving forward. The shore is getting closer and closer with each step.

A lot of this movement is rationalizing. Which in turn positively influences and alters one’s emotional state, and therefore their emotional and mental health. Better emotions and mental health, further influence positive thoughts and actions. A much better feedback to loop than the current one.

You can only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions - in which you can affect and direct “all” tenets and paths of your life. We do this, all the time. Wittingly or unwittingly, it happens. And most folks do not have their hands on the wheel, letting their life careen away. You know better.

Be accurate in thought and heart.


First off, feelings are valid. Feelings are temporary. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. And feelings are not facts!

You are reinforcing and propping up the feedback loop of your wife’s narrative. Cleave that!

When you say “things would be fine”, what do you mean by that? Likely something along the lines, that you feel your marriage would be fine or ok. Again, “feel”.

The rational truth. It takes two to make a marriage. Only one to break it. Even if you had none of these “W professed” flaws, she’d have likely still did what she did. Her feelings, her responsibility. Her choice, her path. She chose to cheat. You didn’t force her to it.

Stop drinking her poison!


Be accurate. What causes a strain on finances is spending more than you can afford. And that is as a couple. For richer or poorer; in sickness and in health. I’m sure you remember something along those lines. Each of you two promised and vowed to help each other (and self) to the benefit of the union.


Is she helping? Doing her part?

Self loathing really piles on the blame. Ensure you hold yourself accountable and responsible for only your half/part.

Brining in 60% of your previous salary. This is less than the 40% shortfall it appears. With lower income tax, lower income tax bracket, gas saved from not commuting, saving cost of restaurants meals not consumed, work clothing, union dues, and other work related expenses; it’s more like 80-90% of your previous after tax income.

I retired last year and my pension is around the 60% mark of my work salary. My after tax monies is 93% of what I pulled in while working.


Split these apart. Remove the justifications/reason.

Codependent. Not ambitious enough.

No “and”. And no “because”.

Look into your codependence. And work on it. This is well within your control and abilities. Make a change to the better. Do not muddy it up by tying it into finances and other stuff.

Ambition. That strong desire to achieve something.

Most struggle with ambition because they don’t “feel” it.

Achieving lofty goals, heck achieving goals, requires determination and hard work. Period. Life hacks, short cuts, the easy way, are all BS! True sincere meaningful achievement of goals comes from true sincere meaningful work and input.

That commitment, that determination, is not fostered in a feeling. Because, say it with me , feelings are fleeting. Any determination fostered by feelings will also be just as fleeting.

Ambition, and its underpinning determination, are rooted in one’s deep convictions. One’s values. One’s beliefs.

To be blunt, most of societal pressures and social media propaganda is eroding people’s values and convictions in hard work and achievement from such.

Reaching a goal through one’s effort is so very rewarding. Believe that. And I mean that literally. Really, believe in that. Find your convictions in such a tenet. And follow it.

Ambition has many obstacles in the emotional realm. Feelings of procrastination and such. Let those flit. Don’t reinforce them. You control your thoughts and actions, which will influence, overwrite, those feelings.


Financial strain is one trigger of your depression. Realize it is not the “cause”. Just as marital strife, marital status, is not a “cause” of depression.

Depression is a persistent mental state of low mood and aversion to activity. It affects one’s thoughts, their activities, their feelings, it drags them down. While within its clutches it is difficult to find or feel joy or happiness.

The cause of depression is basically loss. And loss is a big field. Loss of marriage, employment, health, status, definition of self, ability to perform what one used to, etc. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Be gentle with yourself. It’s normal to grieve such losses. And depression is a part of that process.

Do realize, depression takes as along as it takes. One doesn’t just snap out of it. Lots of well meaning friends/family/folks may give all manner of advice, yet if one hasn’t been there, hasn’t walked a mile in the shoes, they just don’t get it.

Like I said. It’s a slog. Day by day. Hour by hour.

One day, you will realize something truly amazing. And I mean that in the truest sense of that word. Amazing!

One day, you will hear a bird sing. You will see color. See and hear, again, and somehow for the first time.

You won’t feel it coming. You won’t see it coming. Just one day, you’ll realize that you feel differently. A bit better somehow. And the positivity continues. You’ll climb out of the hole.


Been there.

Depression darkens and colors one’s world gray.

Bird’s song. So beautiful. Such a melody. The color of the sky, the most amazing blue. The leaves, are the most incredible green when they burst forth after a long winter. It was there all along, yet unseen and unheard.

Have faith. You will emerge from this present state. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

D