I felt myself becoming emotional and said something to the effect of "You know, everything you're witnessing right now is a fantasy. You guys coming over here like old times, pretending nothing is wrong, when in fact this is all going to go away. Everyone in this room lied to me for years, and I don't want anything to do with it anymore."
We can get so anxious, tired, flustered, and other feelings such that we don't have much in reserve at these moments when we need it. Or, it can feel like a hard night of drinking: it feels great at the time but now you're paying for it with a regret hangover. Luckily, it sounds like your BIL is understanding and let himself be vented upon.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Laterletting in the evening I was pulled into a fight with the W. Everyone was gone and she was drunkenly asking how we can avoid D (that's right: sober January lasted 6 days). At first I was calm and told her "I won't repeat myself, you know what needs to happen for D to be avoided". She began to cry and said she would never tell me any details about the A because her IC of a few months back told her not to. I began to argue with her, and brought up all the wayward behaviors and sexlessness of the marriage. She became defensive, telling me sexlessness is completely normal. I told her I wouldn't have any of it: the lying, the betrayal, the dead bedroom.
You started great by reminding her you've already told her your boundaries. And then it sounds like you threw the kitchen sink at her. I'm glad you realize now that this wasn't helpful other than the temporary catharsis that comes from unleashing your frustration (again, like drinking and a regret hangover). I know how good it can feel, especially when you've got the high ground. It sounds like you already know channeling Clint Eastwood would've served you better, Blondie.
I guess my idea of visualizing cheese sitting on a trap didn't help either darn it! I also often ask myself if what I'm about to say or do is going to help or hurt the outcomes I want to achieve for me and D13. In retrospect, how do you think these incidents served the overall outcomes you want?
I can't recall if you're seeing an IC. If not, it may be helpful. Mine was my primary source of venting, rather than family or friends because if we R, I didn't want to have our dirty laundry rolling around my broader family and social circle. I've got one close friend I do vent to who has demonstrated absolute trustworthiness over my lifetime. I recommend having 2-3 options for getting these things off your chest outside of these settings. Even journals can be great if you can secure them from potential snooping. IMHO, you've got to 1) burn this energy off some other way and/or 2) increase your capacity to absorb and respond to it at the moment in a more productive way.
Get up, dust yourself off, yell your preferred expletive(s), and do better going forward.
