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My XW displayed/displays distinct ages or personalities as well. Mostly she is a brash 18 year old. I knew her during this age and her behaviour is as I recall, just more rebellious and teenager-like. With pressure or confrontation she withdrawals and becomes her when she was 13. More pressure and she’ll revert to a young girl of 7.
In each of the ages, she is “living” then. It’s like time travel. Long ago events and memories are like present day to her. Very rarely has she “been” her true age.
A few times this wild transformation was witnessed by me, my BF, and one of my sons. It’s one of the spookiest things I’ve ever seen. Years ago now, her pod-person 18 year old was berating me and discussing/directing me of her divorce plans. I mentioned and defended how our relationship of 31 years was full of love, not like she is describing.
W somewhat ignored and continued, then stopped mid sentence. Her face brightened. Her eyes sparkled. Color returned to her face. And W was there again. She said, yes, there was love. We were happy.
She spoke for about 20 seconds. Wife. Mom. Witnessed by us. Then something within her reached up. Her face contorted, the color drained from her cheeks, back to gray ashen, her eyes became black and lifeless, and she picked up her conversation right where she left off - mid sentence.
The three of us all looked at each other. We all were like - did you just see that?!?
These ages are times of trauma(s) is these crisis peoples lives. Trauma they experienced from someone in a position of authority. Trauma they could not understand, nor accept at such a tender immature young age. Hurts from the very people that were suppose to protect them.
Children are very egocentric. The world revolves around them. And as such, they incorrectly assign blame and ownership of this trauma to themselves. Compound this with the neglect and gaslighting and fear based swearing them to silence and they have some pretty serious mental and emotional anguish.
They are young. Their immature minds and souls cannot deal with such horrible events, so they bury them.
Denial, is a normal response when something is too great and would shatter one’s psyche. The normal course is as one heals, one uncovers bit by bit of their loss so they can heal and accept it. For these youngsters, that is not the case. They are immature and, through no fault of their own, just bury it. And things buried alive, come back to haunt!
Around midlife, with the pressure of mortality and all, those demons come back. No longer will they remain silenced. The crisis person is consumed by long ago, forgotten, and unrealized trauma(s). The pain and anguish, they have no understanding of why it would be. They simply cannot understand or accept its from them, from their past, and “blame” and “run” from their spouse, marriage, kids, pets, family, friends, work, life, etc. None of which can actually fix them, for none of which broken them.
These lost souls need to heal and grow up from that time. Need to see and understand that they were not at fault. That they are not the fault. It’s a tough road, a painful road, and they run from it. Some do, in time, figure themselves out and face their past. Others do not. Their journey is on their timeline.
As LBS, one should be mostly pressure-free, while not being a doormat. It’s very important to uphold your values and boundaries. Like a rebellious teenager, the spouse will push and test, for they need to know that you are assured and strong in your convictions and care.
You’ve seen the teenager behaviour from H. His manner of dress. His behaviour. They relive their time(s), seeking and hopefully finding understanding and acceptance of it.
Originally Posted by jessieht
[I] have been struggling with patients. I have been doing a lot for myself but to be honest i am tired of being a wife to some one that is hardly a husband. yes this last few weeks have been better but I still feel like he is taking advantage of the situation. I want to talk to him about where we are but know I cant and I have to let that come from him but I am just struggling with anger lately because i just see him sweeping this under the rug like he always has with so many other issues. I need to get to the gym to get my anger out. I know I will be ok in a day or so but this last few days I am just done. I know we have a long way left to go. and I do see it going back to how he was as far as treating me to when it was bad just before bd. I have read it is like a balloon and it changes and goes up and then goes backwards but with changes (and a lot more damage) down to the normal, he was in this 1 1.2 to 2 years pre bd so I guess it will take at least that long to get better.
Yes, patience is a struggle. Dig deep my dear.
It’s wearisome to be in such a lopsided relationship. H is “currently” barely a husband. Remember, time travel. H, back then, wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, and likely didn’t even know you. That’s a crisis person’s emotional state. And how they can seemingly behave and act so indifferently.
Even though it’s seldom shown, their emotions are cranked to eleven, and there is simply no bandwidth for you nor anyone else most of the present time. As they heal, their emotions get slowly dialled down, and they start to feel towards others again. Their progress is a slow process, and quite hidden from view.
Continue to be kind and cordial, and not a doormat. Be pressure free, open to dialog, yet let him mostly lead the conversation; as you’ve been doing.
GAL, exercise, focus on you, etc are all excellent for your mental and emotional health. And provide excellent influence towards H. Living well, and letting (making) him catch up to you. Keep moving forward is really your best path.
