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I feel for you. You very much remind me of the feelings I had when I went through what was arguably the worst time of my life.
I remember feeling like I was broken because a lot of the other posters seemed to be handling their situations much better than I was. The anxiety for me was crippling. There were days that I would vomit just thinking about things. I very much have an anxious attachment style due to some trauma I experienced as a child.
It doesn't happen for everyone, and I don't want to provide you with false hope, but I was able to get my WAS back (although the relationship ended a few years later). I would spend hours and hours scouring the internet looking for a fix. I would be on these forums for hours at a time. It became an obsession. I couldn't sleep, I went to the doctor for meds. I'd talk to my poor friends about things every single day repeating the same conversation over and over again.
What worked for me, was complete and total, pitch black, no contact.
* I stopped calling * I stopped texting * I stayed off social media because seeing her smiling in pictures was torture for me * I stopped snooping * I stopped asking friends about her * I pretended that she had passed away (I know that sounds morbid but it def helped)
I did this for months on end.
Until one day she texted me. I remember my hand shaking uncontrollably while I read the message on my phone. She wanted to talk and asked to meet at a Starbucks. Basically she wanted me back and we slowly got back together.
One of the most helpful things that I did was start new hobbies. At first I had zero interest in hobbies, all I cared about was her. I was addicted to her. I joined the gym and started mountain biking and after a few tries, I very slowly started to enjoy it. I felt like I had accomplished something afterwards, but then the anxiety would take hold again. But I kept going and slowly over time, my confidence started to grow. And it slowly transformed me into who I am today.
I promise you, you will smile again one day. It's going to take some time, but it will happen. And IF your H doesn't come back, the lessons you will have learned from this experience will bring a new meaning to your life that you will actually be THANKFUL for. Read that again, I said you will be thankful for this experience.
