L4H I am so so sorry to read this situation. I must say I have lived it too a few months ago. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My H too has turned to alcohol and started around the time his work stress got bad. It was his crutch, bad day start drinking and drinking and drinking. He always used to enjoy a drink but always in control in the past, and always a fun person. I would say around 6-9 months before BD was when the angry drunk started to show.
After BD H stayed home and I tried desperately to save my marriage. I was 110% all in effort. He was about zero. His behaviour stayed the same, the same cycle of work, stress, anger, turn to alcohol and drink sometimes get angry sometimes not, then pass out. Cycle repeats. There was no effort on him to work on himself or the marriage. He literally was stuck. And I was sucked in for the ride. I copped the abuse, the kids even saw it at times. He would wake up and profusely apologise and couldn’t remember, the. Vow to stop drinking g kept saying he needed to stop( but never did).
Thank goodness he made his own call to move out about 3 months later. He had tried to stop drinking and went about 8 or 9 days. I was taking D to a musical and he offered to pick us up because he wasn’t drinking. He told me to have a great night and enjoy a beverage while I watched the show and he was going to get some non alcoholic beer. When he picked us up he was acting a little erratic ( not drunk but these days I can tell the moment he has a drink because it is almost like it hits him hard). I asked him about if he had a drink and sure enough he had, admitted it and then got so angry at me ( as if I poured the damn thing down his throat). This was very early on in my piece and I wasn’t great at DB I shouldn’t have said a thing. Safe to say the next morning he woke up and said he’s moving out. Always after a big drinking episode is when he seems to make his decisions and goes with it. I can see now he was just so so ashamed of himself, and still is because he wants to stop but can’t or won’t put in the work because it’s in the “too hard basket”.
He moved out in March and he kept coming and going I kept trying to save my marriage or so I thought but instead let him do as he pleased and walk all over me. We would watch movies and play games with the kids and enjoy a wine but of course he has no off switch so it would escalate at least weekly. Almost like clockwork, the booze starts flowing in my space he starts to get sloppy then angry, the smallest thing I would say or do he would absolutely launch at me and storm out then apologise the next day. Some days were worse than others. One day in particular I had reminded him to not forget his washing by the front door and copped an absolute ear bashing of how he shouldn’t be the one who moved out blah blah. He went to one AA meeting ( purely to tick a box) said it was amazing and felt inspired and wanted to return but never did. I just continued to let H unleash his tirade on me. When he’s sober he’s normal and loving and sort of wants help or seems to be crying for help but once work gets him the stress gets him the roller coaster goes i to free fall and the alcohol sets in, it’s anyone’s guess what version we cop.
I just got to a point where I had enough. It takes a lot of guts to set boundaries. Believe me I too sat back and copped the abuse and even had D14 have to tell him off for his treatment of people. It’s almost like I know I had to bite my tongue to save myself from those cruel words. Some were so cruel I never thought this man could say it.

What I do know though and I’m sorry for my long post but I am hoping to paint the picture where I am coming from. What I do know is you will detach when he is out. And he may need to be out of that house and your space when he is drinking. I think the longer they sit in limbo and comfort zone the slower their progress through is. It’s like they just get stuck living in their cycle. There’s no real reason to face it. They have everything they want, they can do whatever they want without us their W saying anything because we are trying to navigate this peacefully and they know we won’t push back. I didn’t detach until H moved out. It took a few weeks but it got easier to let go. It was also nice to not have that negativity and drinking around. It was bad of me to allow him to come over for family stuff and continue drinking. I copped a few months of bad times there too as he came and went and still drank and got angry and hurtful, but I started to lift my boundaries. Multiple times I stopped him drinking around me and he would overstep a few times but now he doesn’t and he knows to not drink around me or the kids or our house. He can go and do his destructive behaviour but as far as I’m concerned we don’t want to witness it.
It’s going to be the hardest thing you do but you need to set some boundaries. Does he have a man cave or somewhere he can go to “drink”? Could you lock the house on those days so he can’t barge in and use you as his punching bag? Maybe he could go to a friends for those days? It’s a hard situation. Like I said for me the times I started to detach was when he was gone or when I started to get the courage to lift boundaries. Now my H has chucked a hissy fit and decided he’s moving to the other side of the world and abandoning everything 🤷🏼‍♀️. To me, that’s the Lowest move a man can make but it’s his reality to live. Alcohol is the worst thing for them. They numb their brain and emotions. Unless they stop drinking the fog will never lift. When they stop and it starts to lift they are flooded with feelings and thoughts so intense their brains can’t handle it so they slip and drink again to calm themselves. They really need to hit their rock bottom and start their own work, and unless alcohol goes they will never heal. It’s sad, it’s so destructive.
Just remember we didn’t break them we can’t fix them, we can’t nice them back to us. You bring your H punching bag is not doing you or him any favours.
Maybe the only way your H can get through this MLC this time around is completely on his own and without your help to get him through it. I didn’t have to make the move to kick my H out because he left but I think I would have eventually. I did however put up some strong boundaries around drinking around me when I continued to be used as a punching bag on a weekly basis. He never remembered the words the next day either
Like amnesia. They are so similar, maybe the two of them can hang out 😀😉
Good luck and pull on your inner strength because it’s there