Just wanted to check in for the week. Still reading through my second time of DR and getting a bit more out of it this time. Have been out with friends on the weekend which was great fun full of food and wine, working, walking and working on my own self healing. A bit of meditating, reading, and honestly enjoying time to myself to reconnect with myself too. I even bought myself flowers on my way home from work last week.honestly just because I love flowers and they made my day.
I have also managed to just let the emotions happen and pass and not try to fight them and find things alot better now. The moments don’t happen often at all but sometimes my mind goes wondering and I beat myself up a bit. I’m still GAL as much as I can, trying to 180 in myself as a person and seen some major improvements. Situations where in the past I would have reacted differently toward kids or work, and just taking a moment to reassess and do the complete opposite and loving it for sure. I’m much calmer and balanced. It could be all the meditating I am doing at night before bed to unwind, or singing along to songs in the car on the way to work 😌
As for H he’s still around. I am now just kind of going with the flow. No heavy talks or anything coming up but he often asks if he can join me for a cup of tea or to watch some tv for a while and is being super chatty . I don’t bring anything up anymore, I can’t honestly tell you the last time I told him I loved him( even though I do). Conversations are very relaxed and fun( more than they have been in a year). He’s very interested in my work and life, complimenting my cooking even.He has mentioned a few times how he’s back at the gym and loving it and how hard it was last year when he never went( exercise and mental health is so important), he talks about work as well and makes jokes. I just sit and listen and smile and validate where I need to. There’s been a few compliments from him toward me and my appearance which is nice, a wink or two, and I even caught him staring at me smiling the other day when I was busying myself. He used to always compliment me in the past and I was so dumb I always just brushed it aside or didn’t give it much attention at all. It’s funny now having this happen and my self realisation how bad that was on my behalf to hurt his feelings like that by not at least acknowledging the compliment. You don’t realise how much you actually like it until it’s gone
I’m not reading anything into all of this behaviour,I know he’s still on a seesaw and until the day he wants to work on the relationship I will just let this slide and not get my hopes up. I have faith but I’m keeping my hopes on the low down. It’s good to see him changing within himself as a person though because he certainly was not a fun person to be around last year and this has been a big eye opener for me that I just plodded along the way co-existing in that negativity.
Just some observations I’ve made of H over the last week and worth a mention at least. He did thank me the other day for being patient with him. I just smiled and nodded. What else can you do really.
I’m still being upbeat and positive and trying to keep a positive mindset on everything I do now. I’m ok living in the unknown (gosh a month ago I wanted answers so bad) now I honestly don’t really care I am just getting on with life, working, planning outings, looking at hobbies, investing in the kids and home life. Hopefully he comes along for the ride eventually but I’m not putting my life on hold to find out. It’s up to him to keep up.
I know it’s wierd, my friends always ask what’s going on has anything happened. I just brush it aside now. It’s wierd living in the unknown really and in this state of limbo but it certainly doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I feel like I am really starting to create a healthy relationship with myself and it’s been a very long time indeed.
