I am just a tad confused should I just not be even observing his actions of caring behaviour or his own changes? Should I be ignoring them instead - does that somehow help detach more? I don’t want to become so cold toward him and ignore him, I thought it was about detaching from the rejection and the situation not pulling away and ignoring the actual person. Maybe I have that part confused. I don’t feel I need to cut off all contact completely, because I am fine in his presence now it doesn’t upset or phase me.
It is fine to notice H’s changes and behaviours.
Noticing; not obsessing. Nor inferring too much positive or negative meanings to a spouse’s behaviours. Time. Longer term, more consistent demonstrated behaviours give more data points and therefore a clearer picture. Still, things can and do change; especially whilst they are embroiled in their emotions and depression. Again, time. H’s journey is his, and it will be a while before he stops flip flopping about.
Cutting off contact - going dark; or less contact - going dim; is a tool, a strategy for the LBS to regain their balance. It’s not a modification tool to fix our spouse.
For LBS starting out, we are enmeshed with our spouse and the situation. We are not detached and suffer as we are uncontrollably dragged about by our spouse’s words and behaviours. Going dark/dim helps the LBS. After a while, the LBS is much less dragged about, much less hanging on to the rope. Detachment bringing a peace and a new perspective.
At this point, the LBS can ease back on the dimness. However, boundaries may need to be employed. This is similar to being dark, in that boundaries are for you. The difference is why.
One firsts goes dark for themselves. To shield themselves from the hurtful and constant barrage. Once one is healed enough and acquires a certain level of realizing / understanding - emotionally and intellectually - they find detachment. It’s here one moves from dark/dim to boundaries.
Boundaries are implemented due to our spouse’s behaviour, due to a spouse’s disrespect. It’s an important, yet subtle shift. A controlled response rather than the preemptive action.
As you stated, detached from the situation. It’s not ignoring H, and not being entangled. You live and move forward. You have controlled interactions (your side) with H during the limited exchanges. And enact boundaries when necessary; a high likelihood with a clinging boomerang.
That being said, time and space are still the best path forward. A spouse needs their space to consider and reconsider their choices. For a spouse who still interacts with the LBS, they will push and test you. And is when to enforce a boundary.
Detachment, indifference, withdrawal, letting go, discovering and organizing one’s beliefs, etc. Steps along the journey. Unearthing that which we hold dear, that which we will defend, that which is our life’s convictions; is the rock solid foundation upon which to build oneself. Know thy self, and know thy values. That, is the bedrock of boundaries and the why of how to interact.
