As I said on my first post only a few days ago, I am new to DB and marital separation (two months now.) My H has taken our 4-year old daughter out a few times on his own. Last night, she broke down into tears about having to keep secrets which are instructions from her father. The last time my H took her out of the house for some “quality time” they went ice skating. She came home with a single red rose, which is neither nor there, bought by her father. Last night my H asked our daughter if she still liked her rose to which she answered yes and can she have “the other one.” I saw the head shaking and look of disapproval from my H towards our daughter who suddenly frowned and clammed up. After he left she told me again that they spent time together with “daddy’s special friend” and he asked her not to tell me about it. The first time was during the first time my H took our daughter for an overnight stay. Apparently the OW stayed in the hotel room with them, and she was invited to join them on the bed to watch movies. (Yikes, an adult stranger in the bed with a child.)
While I am not delighted by the fact that my H is already exposing our child to a stranger, I am far more disturbed by the fact that he is asking her to a keep a confidence that she does not understand why, not to mention the fact that during these outing the OW and my H are being affectionate with each other in front of our child.
I am working on the 180 methods (and only for a few days now.) While I don’t want to jeopardize my hard work, I don’t think I can stand by watching our child being manipulated and put into adult situations as a preschooler. It is simply wrong. How would anyone feel hearing the words out of child’s mouth “I have to keep a secret and it hurts me inside?” Any thoughts on how to approach my H about stopping this inappropriate behavior without taking steps back in the 180 process?
M: 39, H: 38 D: 4 Together: 19 Y Married: 9 Y Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary) Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday) OW: confirmed, they live together already
You might want to start your own thread in NewComers and copy and paste your posts over there.
Sorry you are on moderation and the posts need to get approved.
If you click on your name you can hit "POSTS" and find all of your and maybe copy and paste them on the new thread in NEWCOMERS.
Keep reading and posting in smaller increments and it will help you get off of moderation.
It is quite inappropriate for your H to be treating your D4 that way, you may need legal help to protect her.
For the moment I would reassure her that you will love her no matter what is said or not, and that it is not important whether she keeps the secret or not, your LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL.
Unfortunately you can not control him or what he is doing.
M: 39, H: 38 D: 4 Together: 19 Y Married: 9 Y Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary) Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday) OW: confirmed, they live together already
My H walked out early this year, saying he could not take my mean and nasty attitude, and the sexless marriage.
We have been together since our second year of college, all total 19 years (9 married.) The relationship started out like any other: giving each other undivided attention, full of passion, daily sex, no responsibilities, etc. As time went on and he pursued a professional degree our relationship took a back seat to his studying and the start of my career. There was also a period of 5 years when did not live together because of our academic and professional commitments. Despite this physical separation he proposed marriage to me. As our career opportunities landed us back together in the same place, we moved back in together. About a year later we were married. He was intensely busy going through training/working – he is a physician. Again, our life together was secondary to having training/work obligations. I felt ignored but never realized how much it impacted my desire to be intimate with him. He was working more than 120+ a week and I had a normal schedule, so I had to find a life for myself. I made friends, visited my family often (100 miles away) on weekends, ran errands – I had to keep myself occupied. Being the spouse of a training physician is not easy and feels very isolating.
Right before the training was over, we had a child. The birth was traumatic for me (suffering an injury) and even spent additional time in the hospital healing. With the injury, the overwhelming experience of motherhood, and a colicky baby, I developed post-partum. I was beyond frustrated and my husband became an easy outlet for releasing the pent-up feelings. I got angry about everything. I was doing everything still (being career woman, homemaker, running the finances) and now felt like a single mom. He suggested therapy/counseling to address the issues as they were impacting my ability to have a healthy and productive relationship with our child.
Rather than seeing my post-partum as an illness he took everything as personal affront to him and our child. Not once did he say to me “I feel really bad that you are so stressed, trying to heal, and be everything to everyone and you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick.” Instead within a few months of me starting therapy, and understanding what happening, and really working on mending the parent-child relationship he started an affair. I guess he felt I was too preoccupied or I started a little too late to give our relationship a chance.
I don’t understand why he stuck with me for 10 years before marriage, stayed another 6 years through marriage, had a child with me, finished training and bought a dream house with me to only three short months later throw in the towel. He says that he is angry, and I am incapable of change and there is no reason good enough for him to forgive me or try any more.
My 180s are about working on myself to be a more even-tempered, sensitive person. I am trying to show myself, and others that I am a beautiful woman that has desires and can be desired; I am dressing more like more my old self in tasteful but flirty clothing, doing my hair…just overall appearance adjustment. I am spending more time being there for my kid. I hope he notices at some point but he may not and that is why I started another thread titled “Time Is Not Always in Your Favor.”
M: 39, H: 38 D: 4 Together: 19 Y Married: 9 Y Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary) Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday) OW: confirmed, they live together already
I see you have more than one thread so I'll copy this here too:
A lot of us have been up against a time crunch, and have gotten the resulting, vague platitudes: "Time is on your side" and all that. I have read what little you have been able to post of your sitch and see that your child is already being coerced into lying to you by her dad. Despicable! So, "TIME" is not going to help that immediate prob. Get legal advice and see about a separation agreement to protect yourself and your child financially. I have seen too many cases where a LBS is too frozen in fear to make "demands" on the "poor, fogged out WAS." Don't panic; this does not mean you will be divorced tomorrow, just make some sound decisions right now and don't worry that they may "drive WAS further away." BS!!! He's already "away" and you do not have to consider selling anything at this very moment. Put your foot down and take some of your power and dignity back. He may "get angry." STFW? You are fighting for your child's well being. What sort of father would get "angry" at that? A really selfish, uncaring one!!
