Hi, I just found this forum today. An aquaintance recommended divorce remedy to me and while I haven't received it yet I did read the first chapter online and am really looking forward to it.
It seems like the few posts/articles I have read here have to do with people who do not want their marriage to end. In my situation it is I who feel like walking away. My dh is adamant in saying that he does not want a divorce but also seems unwilling, or even scarier yet, UNABLE to make the neccessary changes needed to make things better. I really worry that he just doesn't have it in him to change.
Basically, we have never been a match made in heaven, but I have taken my vows very seriously and always stuck it out. Then last summer, 2 months after my baby was born, my middle son (now 3) had an onset of a devastating disorder that has completely consumed us. There really is no choice but to focus completely on him because if we don't really hit things hard when he is little he may never get better. The good news is that he is getting better and we are seeing those miracles come. I am just so angry and resentful of dh's lack of support and practical involvement during this time and often he has even stood in the way as a hindrance. He should have been the number one person there to support and stand beside my children and I during this time but he stood in the naysayer's camp of my family and "friends" who basically had very little to offer but 'just learn to accept it' and move on type advice even though I told all of them what I needed from them to help and basically begged everyone to help. If I had listened to them my son would not have had a chance-with real hope for the future, and I can't help but know that he could be even further. I am furious at him for not believing in our son and not believing in what we could all do if we banded together. We also have a lot of financial pressure too because I have quit work to spend more time at home and we have incurred huge expenses on therapy, etc.., I forsee that somewhere in the future we will end up bankrupt but quite honestly I can't really worry about that right now. What should I say when my son is a man? Sorry, we could have helped you more but it was too expensive. I know I have to live the rest of my life with what we do or do not do for him now and even then there are no guarantees but lots of reasonable hope. I just wanted (and want) my dh to be right there next to me and us to fight this together. But he isn't. Sometimes when I look at dh I just want to slap him silly.
I have been very open with dh about how I feel and how badly I do NOT want to be married to him right now and why and have even thought about others (but would never follow through with that because I wouldn't want to defile myself and an xmarital affair just doesn't gel with my own value system). I am just so hurt and feel very alone. I think I am just so mad at him that a part of me wants to hurt him as bad as he has hurt me. Yet, I know the last thing my kids need is to be in a broken home. I guess the only thing that may be on the plus side is that I still find my dh very attractive and our sex life is pretty active, although I think I may just be stocking up on endorphins where I can get them vs. any real intimacy I feel toward him.
So should I try to get my dh to do the 'divorce busting' or will this system work for me even though I am the one who is running out of motivation to hang in there or is this relationship just waiting to die its final death? There is a big part of me that thinks if I could just have a month off from him then I would be able to get my head straight and maybe want him back. But he won't leave-won't give me that time. Don't know if that is something I should push-has anyone ever taken a break and then things didn't seem so bad?
Well, thanks if you made it through all of that. I tend to be very wordy and will try to keep future posts more brief.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time, but I think you've come to the right place. I, too, started reading this board because I didn't want to become a WAW. I read Divorce Busting and found it to be a useful book - I have yet to read The Divorce Remedy, but people here seem to think it's the better book of the two.
Sadly, I became a WAW about a month ago, after 2+ years of serious effort trying to save my marriage. One thing I discovered is that reading DB and this board allowed me to really identify and try a lot of "solution-based" approaches. I can honestly say that I tried my very best to save my marriage... without DB and this board, I don't know if I could say that. And even now, I have hopes that we can reconcile and rebuild our marriage into a healthy relationship.
Hi Islander, Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely am going to try to apply these principles that are working for so many because I really think I owe that to my children-to try everything. Something I wonder is--how can I get his attention on how serious things are? Is a separation an answer. It seems like a lot of guys here came around to seeing how bad things were only after the w was gone but I would like to avoid taking it that far if I can. Should I pull the plug on the physical relationship-does that give the impression things aren't that bad? (But in the past that has made him incredibly crabby and everything got even worse)
I definitely do need to get a better PMA (had to look that one up).
Utterly, Thanks for responding. I definitely do need to become solution focused. Because no matter how many times we talk about the problems all he says is "I just don't get it". Are these books more something he should read and apply (since he says he doesn't want a d) or are they things I can use to make the m work?
Flicker, Thanks for the input. I also really want to make sure I leave no stone unturned. It sounds like you were very persistent in your efforts and that is something to be very proud of. I guess I want to be able to say the same thing too in my sitch but I also know in the back of my mind that there are some m that just won't work and wonder where mine will fall once all is said and done.
My W is an almost WAW. She let things simmer and boil until she got around to the place where she couldn't stand me any more. Don't let that happen to you and your H.
I would suggest looking closely at your H and coming up with ways to change your own behaviour to generate in H the responses you would like. You should write down your goals and some possible solutions (based on your behaviour) that look like they would generate the desired responses.
I would not suggest using intimacy as a bludgeon, this just leads to resentment and confusion. Think about the things you do or say that make your husband worse, then try doing the exact opposite (180's). Be prepared for some of these things to backfire.
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
I also struggled with the decision whether to be a WAW. I decided not to. One message I read in DR is you can leave to change, but why wait? Change before you leave. You can always make the decision to leave later. What you really want is to change the circumstances. You can do that now.
No, you shouldn't try to get H to do DB (divorce busting) with you. He has to want to do it for himself and the R. I see the main point of DB is you can make things so much better by changing the way you react /respond. He will change, because you change. I'm still learning to trust that my changes are for me, for him and for the M. Most of my changes are good for me - and I've seen baby steps of improvement on his part. That's what to look for - improvements.
Sorry to hear about the S's struggles. That sure must put strain on you R. To the breaking point? - That is TBD.
I will catch up with your thread later. (I'll try not to be as brief! - your post isn't too wordy in my opinion.) -KJ
Meggie...Sorry you find yourself here, but do not walk away yet. Get DR and read through it. One person can change, or be the catalyst for change in an R. There is a part in Dr about "cheeseless tunnels" or doing more of what does not work. Read DR and look at what you can do to affect positive change in your R. Like KJ said, why wait to start on yourself. And like you said if nothing else, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror every morning no matter what.
I understand your sitch. I have a developmentally disabled child. I know what you are talking about it consuming you. I know how important it is to focus on his needs and future. I also know that if you dedicate your whole life to his needs, you are missing out on too much yourself. A sitch like this can be very harming to an R. It was not the major problem with me and my W, but the stress of raising a disabled child can be overwhelming in itself. You need to balance his needs and your needs. I wish my W and I had recognized this earlier. I speak out of experience. Besides a happy you just makes you more effective in meeting his needs.
Hang in there. Get DR and do not act in haste until you have tried something different.
