New attitude, new thread

[ClingingToHope]

I've been mentally at war with myself for several years. When I'd get upset with XW -- even before she was XW -- I'd stop myself and say, but I love her, I want this to work out. What's wrong with me?

The truth is -- I really realized this last week -- is that I don't like XW. I haven't for a long time. I don't respect her intelligence. I don't like her choices. I don't want her lifestyle. I wouldn't want to live such a confined life. I've been faking it with her for a long time.

She's a nice person who always has been deeply unhappy and jealous of everyone who is more personable than she is.

Why did I marry her? Well, my mom pushed me into it. She was beautiful and we were getting along great. But marriage hadn't crossed my mind when my mom offered to give me my grandmother's wedding rings. If I had to actually save the money, based on what I was making at the time, who knows if the lust would have petered out well before an actual wedding. The red flags started popping up during the engagement, but I ignored them.

I also thought I could change her -- that she'd want to follow me to new and exciting places.

Instead, as time went on she turned out to be very different from what I thought/hoped I was marrying.

So now there's freedom in this sentence. I don't miss XW, but I do really miss my daughters.

Now I can stop fighting myself mentally and doing things that would present myself in the best light if she ever changed her mind and wanted me back.

Now I have to figure out how to deal with her without having it affect my daughters. Kids can tell when you don't like someone. I have to get better at the balancing act of keeping XW and Uncle Fester as separate as possible from my life without making it obvious that I just can't stand to be around her, her friends or her family.

That's a tough trick and one I have to get right.

So time for a new thread.

I am finishing up my umpiring marathon. I am having a party Saturday night at my house. I am preparing for another week of vacation with the girls, with a third to follow in August.

Things are good, very good right now. Beginning July 13, I'll also be able to relax for a few weeks. Catch up on projects. Get back to working out. That's taken a back seat with all of the umpiring.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting talk with D13 tonight. The teen angst continues to grow. She said last night her and XW got into a huge fight because D13 was going over all the bad things about herself and how few good things she has going for her.

Really, right now most of her issues are boy issues. She gained weight when she hit puberty. Her mom has ballooned so she doesn't have a positive role model there. The fact almost all of her friends have boyfriends and she doesn't really bothers her -- although she says it's more than that.

We talked about validation. I've been struggling with it ever since XW and I split. I told her most people hate how they look.

Here's the funny thing. XW blew up at her and said D13 is clinically depressed and should start seeing a therapist.

I told XW repeatedly when D13 was 11 and 12 that I was concerned about her and thought she should be seeing a therapist.

XW sent me a curt email saying that D13 (then 11 and 12) was fine, that she was only telling me these things because that's what I wanted to hear, to hear that the divorce was the problem.

Sigh. I kept the email.

[ClingingToHope]

The umpiring has been a God send. It helped fill a hole in my budget when one of my other part-time gigs fell through.

But the past five weeks, as I've had to do it more often, I've had to deal with a nasty side affect. It's causing my face to break out on my chin where the mask sits.

I have to umpire tonight, tomorrow and Monday then I only have a handful of games in July.

It'll be nice to have my face clear up again. It's hard to have confidence talking to someone with acne on your chin.

My Saturday party looks OK as long as the weather holds. I think I'll easily get 10 to 15 and perhaps more. Interestingly, the leader of the new church growth group I'm joining is coming.

She's 33. Never been married and kind of a player. I had her and a couple of other friends out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. She made it a point to sit next to me for most of the dinner, but then when a younger guy joined us she switched over to sitting by him. I thought it was funny. She's a blonde, and they generally don't go for me so I wasn't expecting much. She was still working on him when I left.

A week later I get a text out of the blue on a Saturday that I had my daughters. She was looking for something to do. I had to turn her down and instead pitched lunch this week. She said she was busy.

Now she's coming to the party. She's interesting. She had a friend with her two weeks ago I would be interested in asking out. A teacher. I wonder if she'll come along.

[antlers]

XW sent me a curt email saying that D13 (then 11 and 12) was fine, that she was only telling me these things because that's what I wanted to hear, to hear that the divorce was the problem.

Selfish and self-centered. She doesn't want to feel responsible for any bad consequences of the divorce at all, so she convinces herself that she not responsible at all. If it's all you...it's none of her.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting acceptance fact. I went to my best friend's graduation party for his son. Wow. I'm getting old when my friends' kids are graduating from high school.

I got a little wistful because XW and I would go over and play cards with my friend and his wife when their son was a baby. I have a photo somewhere of him as a kid in a New York Jets outfit I gave him. When they moved in 2003, they were the last couple friends we had.

When my mind wandered though I thought about how I'll handle my girls' graduation parties -- I'll do a separate party with just my friends and I was thinking about places to take them as a reward. Vegas probably. Cheap trip.

At no point did I ever think "well, if somehow we get back together" or "gee, it'll be sad."

No interaction with XW at all this weekend -- other than a summary email to state what nights and times we are swapping. D9 did ride her bike over Sunday night to pick up some toys. Apparently, XW was waiting outside.

It was good. Man, I was tired last night. There were lots of things I could have done. Instead, I just watched Breaking Bad.

Lots to do today and tomorrow for work -- then 10 days off, 12 if you count the weekend, nine of which I'll have the girls.

[ClingingToHope]

Week 2 1/2 of vacation mostly going well.

It was too hot Thursday, Friday and Saturday to do much other than lay around. That meant we had to push Friday's day trip to Sunday -- Wisconsin Dells. We have Great America and Chicago trips scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday.

That's a lot and it's draining my bank account, but I should have enough.

Still, it's an emotional battle. The first day they were here they talked about their 4th of July at the Uncle Fester (XW's boyfriend) family farm.

They hung around the bf's family while they got blitzed.

So that was difficult to handle. But when I heard the story it made sense. XW is dating her dad. He would sit in his chair at every holiday and drink beer after beer after beer until stumbling off to bed.

I remember watching him and saying to myself, that's not what a husband and father should be like. I purposely tried to be a different husband -- come home first always. Never drink at home. Never gamble money away. Do things around the house before settling in a chair for the night. Spend time, lots of time with my children.

Turns out, she wanted her dad.

Then Saturday I find out from my uncle that my cousin is upset with how much we are using the pool. My cousin lives on the other side and NEVER uses it. He's just mad we are using it often when the girls are here.

I maintain it and mow the yard for the privilege. Still, this is something that goes back 30 years. I was always the golden child of the family and he's resented it. I thought we were through that.

Normally, I'd just laugh it off, but having the pool next door I feel like is my only advantage. XW has the family home, her mom's campground and BF's horse farm.

So that put me in a funk and it spilled out against the girls. When they started fighting Saturday night I overreacted and I really struggled with my patience yesterday with D9.

It's anger and fear. I was angry that I'm in a situation where I have to rely on other's kindness and afraid that it might be taken away.

Most of it is unfounded. My uncle said he WANTS us over to swim. We're the only ones who use it. D13 said XW dragged them to the 4th of July party. They didn't want to go and asked to spend the day with me. D13 said she's bored with the campground.

The last thing is that I put too much pressure on myself with them in the summer. I plan and save so much for these weeks, when they don't go perfectly I get very down on myself.

The mental battle never ends.

On the positive side, I finally may have another date. Met someone through OKCupid who is extremely intelligent and we've been messaging back and forth and we're hopefully going to do lunch the week I'm back to work.

I just want that connection to someone again.

[kml]

The last thing is that I put too much pressure on myself with them in the summer. I plan and save so much for these weeks, when they don't go perfectly I get very down on myself.

Here's the issue, here.

Not every time with you has to be perfect. In fact, it's better for your kids if you're NOT the "Disneyland dad". And you're not in competition with your wife and her father-image boyfriend.

You're a good dad and your kids know that. Relax.

[kat727]

I don't have a lot of extra funds when things are said and done but I manage little mini-trips here and there. The kids think those are great.

I also must say I know my kids. They can talk to me about anything and everything. I am lucky that my boys work at the local movie theater and so we can go to movies for free. We haven't taken advantage of that so much as the boys work nearly every weekend during school. Lately though we have gone alot. Even with S19 getting another job, the theater is giving him a few hours so that he can keep that benefit.

Just remember your kids want to be with YOU. You don't need to entertain them.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

Yes, GM, I'm trying to get to that point. It's just a long process. D9 made a point the other night -- in the middle of a meltdown -- that she wants to tell me about her times with XW but she doesn't because it makes me sad.

I didn't rise to the bait. When she's in meltdown mode she throws everything out that might get a rise out of me. But the truth is buried in there, they know I really don't want to hear about their "other" life.

D13 and I had a good talk Saturday. She has been in a funk most of the summer. She says she has all these "voices" in her head telling her she's worthless, she's fat, she's ugly.

It's worrisome and I've been worried about it for two years. XW is finally catching on.

I told her I have those issues. With me it's clouds. I will feel good, the skies are clear and then something is said, or I see something, or I get a text and storm clouds roll in. I can feel the anger swirling like a sudden thunderstorm. And then I start getting down about myself.

I will say this few days -- even with a rough 24 hour stretch -- has been very good for me with D13.

[SunFunOne]

Sounds like an extreme amount of pressure for your daughter. To not be able to tell you about her life because it upsets you. I "get" how you feel. My H moved out and right in with maggot. But when my kids tell me anything about his new life - I just smile and listen and make no comment. I don't have to like it. But I don't say anything about it. I just listen.

And that's the point. If your daughter doesn't feel she can come to you to tell you what's wrong - who WILL she turn to? Especially in a couple more years when she too is interested in boys.

As for your older daughter - remind her of all her good points and don't commiserate with her. She needs you to be the dad. To love her unconditionally.

C2 - you ARE a good dad. But you your perspective is a bit "off" at times.

I totally was going to write the same thing as Gineen - about your new attitude. And also about the need to do the big trips when money is obviously a stress. No way I'd be taking them to big cities, staying in hotels etc. It costs megabucks.

Go to your local parks. Plan picnics. Keep on swimming. Maybe rent a boat for a couple of hours. Go fishing.

The most important thing to do with your girls is to spend time with them. It really doesn't matter where.

Now STOP focussing on ex and her guy.

Barb