Magnificent

[mishka422]

Magnificent by U2

Magnificent
Magnificent

I was born
I was born to be with you
In this space and time
After that and ever after I haven't had a clue
Only to break rhyme
This foolishness can leave a heart black and blue

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar

I was born
I was born to sing for you
I didn’t have a choice but to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry, it was a joyful noise…

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar

Justified till we die, you and I will magnify
The Magnificent
Magnificent

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love unites our hearts

Justified till we die, you and I will magnify
The Magnificent
Magnificent
Magnificent


That song is stuck in my head today so I thought I would share it with you all.

With regard to the self affirmations,have you tried this...write them down on post it notes and place all over the house,so that you constantly see them.

Yes, I have tried that but I get disgusted with the notes and tear them down. I figured if they were angering me instead of helping then I should probably stop doing that. The CD isn't a bad idea though. I'll need to look for that.

"think lightly about it"

I like the idea of that, but I'm not sure I exactly understand it. Do you mean don't take it seriously? Or is it more of just brush it off?

I also really really think you should be doing all you can to find a different 2nd job.

Oh, don't I wish I could. Jobs are scarce here even if you are fully open to work anytime, let alone if you're very limited on your hours. Don't get me wrong, I don't like working the second job at all but it's not the store I don't like, it's the necessity of having to have that job in the first place. I hate knowing that I'm working myself into an early grave because of the actions of my XH! It eats at me but I know there is nothing I can do about that so I have to suck it up and let it go.

My priority right now is looking for a completely new career. I have to get out of the travel industry. It will suck you dry and spit you out with nothing to show for it. There is no money, no forward movement....just stuck marking time. Time to buckle down seriously and conquer my fears of failure.

What are some of these things, rattling around? Do they come from you, or were they etched by someone else?

I've shared them before. They aren't pretty. They don't come directly from anyone else, I think I built them into my head as a protection to keep me from getting too close to anyone after the rape and then they became a defining part of me. I look in the mirror and try my darndest to get away from it as fast as possible. I see a monster. I've tried changing my appearance as much as I could without plastic surgery! I upgraded my makeup, changed my hair, whitened my teeth. None of it changes what I see though. I see the inside coming through and it freaks me out to think that other people see it too. It's really frightening to me. I tell myself over and over that none of it is reality, that it's my insecurities and fears that have made me see this, but all the self-talk in the world doesn't seem to overcome it.

The best way to deal with them is to refute them! Write them down as they pop up, those nasty things - I bet when you look at them, they aren't true.

See, that's just it, I see them as true. For me, it is reality. Kind of like an annorexic looks in the mirror and sees a fat person. I look in the mirror and see a hideous monster who is fat, unloveable, and stupid. To me, that is reality. I know, I need intensive therapy to deal with this don't I? Can't do that and phone therapy only helps so far. There are things I have accepted in this life and one of those is that I will be burdened by this pain for the rest of it. How I choose to deal with it is what's most important. I'm not sure if the way I've dealt with it all these years has been very healthy as it has led me here. Some people look at it as "stuffing my emotions down" and other see it as "passive-agressive". Personally, it seems more like stuffing to me.

In RL my friends look at me as the bubbly fun girl with the permanent smile. I make an extreme effort to be effervescent and not make negative comments. There are so few people that have seen me cry and be negative and pessimistic. They often wonder how it is that I have the circumstances I have and don't have a nervous breakdown. I smile and tell them that it is only by the Grace of God. That is true, He has sustained me through so much in my life and I am grateful. Little do they know how close I come on a daily basis though. I'm just too tired to fight it anymore. I know, it is what it is. There is no time machine to go back and fix things and remove all the regrets. No time for wishing and dreaming....only DOING. But, that is the eternal question.....DO WHAT? I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN' CLUE!

It's all so frustrating!

[kat727]

This may help you but I don't know as I have never gone through something as tramatic as a rape. I would write a letter to this person(no you don't need to send it) but let it all out. Let them know how angry they made you, how your life has been defined by that moment and you hate what you have lost, what he has taken away.

I would do the same for Gabe. Let it all out how much you hate having to do this on your own, how unfair it all is. Cry, shout, whatever you need to do on your own to let it out. Then burn the letters. Let there burning set you free. I know this can have a cleansing affect. Give it a try.

We all have our own insecurities so don't feel alone. One step at a time. This mess wasn't created in a day and it won't go away in day but we can always take steps to make it better.

hugs, kat

[BobbiJo]

Hey girl, thinking of you today. Happy May Day!

[Kalni]

I havent heard of the song. Will look it up. From their new album? I meant to get it...

mish, I wish I could help somehow. I hate to see you struggling so much. Maybe things could be a bit better if you adopted the "duck's back" and let some things just slide off you...
(((())))
K

[One Day]

((((mishka))))

Great song!

I too wish I could help somehow but feel at a complete loss. Thinking of you and sending good wishes....

L. xx

[mishka422]

Yes, from the new CD. GREAT CD btw. I highly suggest it for the collection.

[Reincarnated]

Mish, I have to tell you....we don't see what you are seeing in the mirror. It just isn't there. And yes, I've even seen what you look like!

Hon, the monster isn't you...its the attack, and possibly some of it is Gabe.
But it is NOT you.

I am going to start a list here; friends, please add to it.
Mish, please print these out and read and re-read them. They aren't self-affirmations, these will be affirmations from REAL people, (we may be scattered around the globe, but we are real). Ask your friends and family to do this for you, too - give them a copy of what you see in them along with your request. We don't get to hear the good stuff often enough.

Mishka is...

a wonderful mother who has worked so hard to raise a special son who God gifted to her for a reason. There are challenges, but there have been many triumphs, as well. And the love she has for this boy is obvious, even when so many others may turn away.

a woman who has dedicated herself to the difficult, and often scary, task of improving herself. She is reflective and sincerely wants to be the best person she can be. There is a great deal of strength and bravery for anyone who can look into the darkest corners of who they are, then do something about it.

a devoted and caring daughter. She has opened her home to her mother while she is so sick, often putting her needs well above her own (even though we warn her about this very thing, sometimes!)

a woman who thinks about and cares for her friends, all in "real" life, and even practical strangers who she may never meet face-to-face. Advice, hugs, laughs, lending an ear...

let's keep this going......

[mishka422]

I am making a choice here. I've made a decision to live for those around me and stop getting inside my head. It's not a good place to be and trying to concentrate on myself only makes me feel worse. There is a real possibility that I am one of those people that was put here to be 'supporting cast' and I need to be content with that. Battling that is probably what is making me feel so down.

I've begun a search for a new career, God help me. I'll keep you all posted on that.

[JCJ]

(((Mishka)))

You have made a real difference to me - you are one of the ones that I truly could not do without on this journey. I really mean that.

We have a bank holiday here this weekend - which means a long weekend with Monday off. It is lovely and sunny here and warm. Are you up to much this weekend?

I'm excited to hear about your plans for a new career. Have you narrowed it down to any fields yet?

Jxx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish.. yay!!! Glad you are going to try and get a differnet career, thats brilliant.

On the think lightly.. she means, dont hold onto the thoughts so tight, dont think too deeply, dwell on it or think about it so much from every angle.. so, not just brush it off, as we cant at the moment, this IS a stressful or emotional time for all of us here. But you can let yourself thikn about it, just lighter, not so deeply..?

Lastly, you said something that really resonated with me, as I was EXACTLY where you were...

"There are things I have accepted in this life and one of those is that I will be burdened by this pain for the rest of it. How I choose to deal with it is what's most important."

You know I have had things happen to me and some other stuff, at 17/18 that lead to some fears and pretty controlling behaviour (of myself and my environment).. well, I too got to a place of being resigned to taht fate.. this is me now, I have been this way for 20 years, I'm never going to change.. BUT.. I did.

I read that we can change and let go of learnt behaviours, either through a tonne of therapy, or a terrible shock/loss. For me, I felt all those fears lift off my body over the course of 2 days, at the first bomb and I am now 98% free of it.

I wanted to tell you, that I would NEVER have believed that that was possible. I had BF's and BFFs talk to me over the years, acupuncturists and a little therapy, but nothing even scratched the surface of my deep rooted fears and feelings and lack of trust in people.. but.. its all gone Mish. I feel normal again.

So I dont know what it would take for that to happen to you, but I just wanted to give you hope that is IS possible. You dont have to necessarily be resigned to a lifetime of feeling that way, you can let it go.

I also realise that I did things to hold onto it myself.. my BFF said to me, I dont understand why you are holding onto all that, 17 years later (before the bomb) and it made me feel uncomfortable as she was saying it was my choice to still feel that way, whereas I had thought I had no choice, it was a consequence of what had happened to me. But she was right.

I acted in certain ways and held onto certain thought patterns that perpetuated it. I had got so used to being a certain way and was afraid to stop it and just be normal. But my fears were groundless.

SO I wondered, do you think there are things you do, that keep you in that place?? Are there small steps you could take to let go of the behaviours that keep the old Mish feeling that way and let the new Mish emerge like out of the skin you have outgrown?

And I agree with Donna.. I dont see what you see and am mystified by your descriptions of yourself. I've said before, you are strong and intelligent and BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely, I would swop my saggy round face for your amazing cheekbones and bone structure any day !!!

xxx