I think I'm ready for the piecing forum. W and I are back together not talking about D anymore and figuring out our life for the future. We're not sure where it will go but we're both committed to trying to make it work.
I'm now trying to get through the days without analyzing where our R is and how the W is thinking.
Although we are still together, she hasn't said ILY or have we ML in 2.5 months now. She says that she's not even remotely interested in that right now. She continues to ask me to be patient and just let things happen.
We had a great V-Day yesterday (she was too busy today so we did it yesterday). I gave her the whole day to herself while I went to a friend's house to shower/get ready. I drove back to "her" house to pick her up. She looked fantastic. Skimpy black dress - simply gorgeous.
She wanted our oldest D to take our picture in the backyard. I wanted put my hands all over her but alas I couldn't:)
Dinner was good until we talked about R talk. It got a little depressing. I tried not to have any expectations about the "date" but this wasn't going where I liked. It wasn't BAD talk but it didn't make me feel super about the future.
I think she could sense that and she changed the subject TO a better future together.
We're moving back to her hometown in a month. It's tough because we love it here in San Diego and have a great community here and an awesome house. BUT there are a lot of things that against us.
I made a great living in the entertainment biz but grew tired of it. I got let go from a company I helped succeed and wasn't ready to take a lower job just to work. I found that my career wasn't that important anymore - my family and W were.
Anyway, it's 'spensive in So Cal and our house is upside down. So we're moving to a MUCH more affordable rent. But it's 8 states away.
Needless to say, the move is trying on all of us. W even said last night, "Let's just stay on hold until we get settled in the new place." I took it as there's just way too much taking our attention away. Let's get this done so we can focus on each other.
I'm cool with that...I think...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Congratulations on getting back together. Moving and settling into a new place is really traumatic. That's when my whole marriage really unravelled. You and your wife might find the Retrouvaille program helpful. They teach effective communication skills that really pull people back together. You can get info about the Retrouvaille weekends on their website, www.helpourmarriage.org. And there is a thread in the piecing forum called "Retrouvaille Means Change" that tells a lot about the program. It was the saving grace for my marriage and for thousands of others.
I hear you on the expenses, just wait till your oldest is learning to drive, 14 for a permit, and it's like I'm giving My gasaway
You know?
It's all the little things.
That also help, like spending time with your kids, mothers love to see the dads interact with the children.
Being teaching them chess, boring of course, but they love even just a little time playing video games with them. My youngest loves "Jimmy Neutron" on the PS2, which we play together.
You got anything like that to do with them?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I posted this on the newcomers but xyz, this was mainly for you:
I think we may have turned a corner today.
(I know you all must be thinking - here goes crazy bolt again) I swear I haven't always been this manic...the entertainment biz made me this way...
I had a tough time at church today. Couldn't focus. Things were bugging me.
W and I got home and decided it was a good time to talk. I didn't spill anything but did get some things in the open. We talked about being at different speeds. Having different expectations - all that.
But the biggest was when she finally - FINALLY - let me have it about me getting fired. She let out a TON of emotion. Something she's been holding back for a long time.
Here's it in a nutshell - I only print this because I think this may help some of us LBS - a peek into the mind of a WAS.
A recap first. I had a pretty assistant with whom I got close to as a working friend. She would text me and I dug it because someone young and very attractive was showing interest in me. I developed a small crush on her BUT had zero intentions of taking it one step further. Nothing inappropriate ever happened as far as touching or sex but we crossed the line from working into friends. We had lunches/one dinner and a lot of softball games. Anyway, people around the office thought we had an A and I backed off the "relationship" with her. She acted like a woman scorned and through other people, said things that I said to her that were simply not true. My W told me to stay completely away from her - to not even be alone in the same room with her - to which I did...for a while. We became friends again (I thought safely) until one more time when she misread (on purpose??) what I said and 2 weeks later, I got fired.
THAT'S the short part...if you've read my sitch I've gone deeper.
SO...throughout that entire ordeal, I told my W EVERYTHING. From how I would feel when she texted me at the beginning (it made me feel wanted) to how it finally ended (I didn't think it would be a bad thing being the OW's friend again).
fast forward to today.
W lets it ALL out. She said that even though I told her everything, she tried to do everything she possibly could to save the marriage. She thought she was losing me and tried to give me everything she had in her. She was working nights and had zero energy but still forced herself to stay up to give me attention - to give me sex because she thought that was the reason I was "looking" elsewhere. When she couldn't take it anymore, she told me to basically cut it off with her. She told me that she didn't trust this person and that she was going to take me and the M down.
I didn't listen because I thought I was right. I wasn't doing anything wrong (read-sleeping with her) so what was the big deal? How was I going to get in trouble? Yeah, I'm the boss but I'm an outgoing guy? I was doing nothing wrong.
She was even more hurt when I didn't listen to her and then what she prophecized came true.
We were both crying buckets here. I could not believe that I caused so much pain. I told her that I never intended to disrespect her. To cause her this pain and lack of self worth. I said that she is now and has always been the only woman that I have ever loved and that she is the one for me.
I looked her in the eyes and said that I will never make that mistake - the one of taking her for granted/disrespecting her/not feeling for her self being - again.
We couldn't take our eyes off each other during this entire time. I said that she deserves so much more love than what I gave her then and that I have so much more to give her right now. A marriage isn't about dealing with one or the others' emotions; it's about dealing with both partner's emotions.
I said that I wanted to be her shelter, her protector, her foundation and her biggest supporter.
(we're balling at this point)
we then talked about her need for an apology from me about any indiscretions that I had throughout our R.
I won't go into that but when I got that question a few days ago, I dug down deep to get those raw emotions. They were heavy and I let them out. I realized just how much I truly hurt her and also how I never wanted to do that again...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
not meaning to double post but xyz, we are in similar sitches so I wanted you to read this second part of the post. It's what happened AFTER the convo:
so after that convo, we had to get out of the house because we had a few showings. Guys, we were laughing and playing all day. We had tea at Pete's. Went to our favorite pizza joint. Hung out and wrestled at the beach while trying to take stupid pictures of each other. Even played a lot with my kids (one who says she HATES the beach - yeah right - doing sand angels...).
We came home and watched a movie. We were laughing and looking at each other all night.
Lastly, I went in and told her thanks. Thanks for a great day. Thanks for being there for not just me but for all of us today. Thanks for being you.
She hugged me and gave me a big kiss.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
good to see progress Bolt. I'm of the opinion that sometiems fights/talks can be beneficial. Sounds like yours was.
"Turning the corner."
Was that the theme this weekend? I'll get to it in a bit.
Friday night my W and I get into yet another fight/discussion about the speed of things. I swear I am great at dishing advice, but horrible at taking it. The basic argument is that I want to move too fast and when I complain about her lack of affection it tells my wife that I don't appreciate the baby steps she's taken. (and they are baby steps - like 1 kiss in 7 weeks, she touched my arm a couple times, etc.) I try to explain that is not the case.
So goes on about how good we are doing (in spite of all the s**t we've been through the last year, this is the last real issue now), how much she likes me as a friend, says that I'm not the only one who misses that stuff, etc., and says stuff like "you are the guy I love." (for some reason she has a mental block on saying ILY)
So it kinda peters out and she goes to bed. I have a thought and send her an email. Basically, it outlined the way her baby steps have actually help me in ways she probably didn't think about. Like I feel we are 100% partners with respect to the kids, I am so much better about giving her alone time, I am really supportive of her work, etc. and I am positive about our future
I think she really needed me to acknowledge her work and I showed her exactly how.She never really mentioned the email or talked abut it. But I was just glad to have sent it.
So weekend was great. We took the kids swimming both days (W looked great in her bikini) Overall a good time.
So she goes to bed last night and I send her a txt say sorry if wasn't super responsive in the evening, but I was tired on Sunday. (I ran 17 miles in the morning In 17 Degree weather before going swimming.) And I said I had a really nice time this weekend.
She text me back this. "I had a really good time too. I hope we are turning a corner here...I just really want to get back to just being us, minus the bad habits we had gotten into over the years." (I told you I'd get to it)
Reading that again makes me feel great. I not so stupid as to think everything is fixed, but I feel good about things.
Man, I put a long tail on that kite.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
