Long story short, H was involved in an A since April, I discovered the full extent of it Nov. 9... H waffled for three weeks after that, I DB'ed like crazy. H broke off A Nov. 27 and we have been piecing since then.
H never left the home, was in another bedroom for awhile.
Things are going well, although painful many times. H and I are both seeing IC, and we plan to return to MC as well.
OW has tried contacting H a few times since Nov. 27, which he has ignored, and I was able to verify that, as he has shared passwords, etc. with me.
Just taking it one day at a time....
I am going to read some of the hints and tips on this forum and keep moving forward.
Hi Avermont, Nice to hear from you.... I'll have to check in on your sitch. Have been out of touch with the newbie forum, as so much time with H (which has been great) has been consuming me.
I do think it is good advice for all of us, no matter what stage our sitch is at or what is happening. We can find enough strength for the day.... and sometimes can't look past that one day, which is ok.
Journaling, Have been interested to read on this forum how common it is for your own issues to start to surface once WAS returns and re-commits to M. I am finding that. Now that the anxiety of "is H leaving me?" is resolved (for the most part... it is still very new!) I have some very angry days, and waves of grief and sadness at times that surprise me. I am seeing an IC and this helps a lot. I have a feeling there will be more to come....
I have followed your sitch off and on. I'm happy to see you here but I will warn you--it's NOT easy. In fact this has been harder for me than the darkest early days post bomb. Good that you're seeing IC, I need to get back to that.
Have you read Not Just Friends or After the Affair? We worked through the exercises in AtA and found them very insightful and helpful.
You mentioned having H's passwords. Don't feel bad about checking up on him. When we first started piecing I would check BF's accounts almost every day. It definitely made me feel better to have the ability to check whenever I wanted. I did find some things I wasn't happy with but I brought it up and we dealt with them, a far cry from how things would have gone down in the past.
It's ok to feel your feelings. Just remember not to share all of them all the time. It can be overwhelming for you as well as H.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
This is great news, RW. I've followed your thread even since I joined this forum, and have learned a lot from your sitch. Just more proof that DBing does work. Hope you end up in a stronger R than ever before, although I know it will be hard and take a lot of patience and time.
Keep us updated as you piece things back together.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Thanks Pearl and CC, Pearl, your advice is so helpful. I was initially quite discouraged when I read some of the struggles in this forum and how long it takes for WAS to get it all out of their system etc. But, it makes sense. I know there is a long road ahead. My emotions are very overwhelming at times. I do try to make sure it doesn't all come out at H, as it doesn't help either one of us. Of course he is going through his own emotions, which we, as the LBS have to face as our painful reality. WAS grieves the end of the A., misses the OP, etc. Sucks! do others here struggle with self esteem? In the darkest times post bomb, I really worked on looking good, feeling good about myself, reminding myself I am an attractive, fabulous woman, etc. Now that H is home, I seem to have days I get almost obsessed with the fact that OW is 23, never had her body distorted by pregnancies, etc., the stresses of rasing a family... so it was all fun, fun, fun. I worry.... will my H ever LOVE me the way he thought he LOVED her? Will I always feel somehow second best, etc. These are just some of the current struggles. Would love to hear where others are at.
CC.... I'll have to catch up on your sitch. Thanks for visiting me here! :-)
Hey Rocked. Welcome. I have been following your thread on Newcomers and am glad to see you here.
To try to answer your question, in my sitch, I think it took almost a whole year after my W's A ended before it was out of her system. It still took her 4 months after that until she could/would begin to open up and talk to me about it. I would see glimpses of her old self in that year, but they would be pretty short lived and there would be immediate pull backs.
And I understand completely where you are with your emotions being overwhelming at times. I can tell you it does get better with time, but even a year and a half post A, I still trigger sometimes and get extremely angry with W. But ya know what? You'll truly know your marriage is going to make it the first time you have one of those angry episodes and your Spouse asks you what's wrong and you tell them and they apologize for it.
And just a word of caution. I've read a number of different places that 6 months post A is the most angry period for the LBS. Not sure if that's 6 months after discovery or 6 months after the A ended. In your case, that won't make much difference, but I remember in my sitch, about 5 month or so after her A ended, being EXTREMELY angry. Like thinking about driving to OM's town (he lives 250 miles away) and enjoying a little batting practice with a 35 inch aluminum ball bat. And thinking of ways I could make W feel just a little of what I was feeling. But luckily, having learned a lot about this stuff, I was able to contain/maintain.
And yes, to this day, when I see W staring out of the car window I wonder if she's thinking about him. And what they had together. But I knew when I decided to try to make our marriage work that I'd have to deal with that. Not much way to get around it.
But it is worth it. We're better than ever and W is doing/saying things that she hasn't said in a long time. And it feels pretty good. You'll get there. It will take time and lots of patience on your part, but it can be done, and better than it was before.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hi Rocked good to see you over here! I know how you feel about things now surfacing which you have kept a lid on whilst getting to this point. A few things have spilled out for me over the last few days, I think its how you handle that is important, I had a teary angry moment this morning, but H said sorry about what had happened and we talked about how we would handle things, then he key bit is to just let it go. My H had no A but he treated me pretty shodderly at times and all of those times need to be talked about, for me this time it has to be about healing and moving on, before when we have fallen out I have to admit to sulking and maybe making him pay for it, that certainly wont be happening ever again, as PDT is fond of saying its time for the "big girl panties"
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
