Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 2

[AndrewP]

I've really lost count of the threads that I have here. Here's a link to the last one. It's a crazy path through the deep dark woods if you are foolish enough to chose to trace back

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758899&page=1


As the narrator would say "Our story so far". Most of it is summarized in the signature. Keep in mind that it has been said that every autobiography has an obvious hero.

- Wife hits 50 years old and menopause and empty nest plus trauma in family of origin. Gets grumpy and husband tries to up his game at being appreciative and loving.
- Wife starts meeting a friend for lunch who just lost his wife to cancer.
- Meetings turn into an emotional affair
- Emotional affair turns into physical affair
- Plan is conceived (speculation) for wife to move out and "find" a new love interest
- Husband (our hero) is told while on a romantic tropical vacation on his birthday by wife that she is leaving him because of unspecified reasons.
- Husband tries desperately to figure out what he's done wrong and discovers existence of OM
- Wife confirms infidelity and moves out of MBR
- Wife hangs around the house cycling between euphoria and depression for several months. Affair soon goes underground while our hero imagines that it is over and starts writing really really long posts on the DB site and arguing with people
- Wife moves out taking much furniture and her dog (our hero cheers at the last bit) and confirms that affair is still on-going but also sends mixed messages about possible reconciliation
- Our hero stands steadfast and true for several months while continuing to abuse his mal-functioning mind-reading turban. His fortitude flags.
- After an unexpected close encounter where he sees that even though he is still presenting himself publicly as married that his wife isn't he removes his rings (awwwww)
- More time passes and then a temperature check happens. The temperature is mis-read possibly due to a faulty turban
- More time passes
- Confirmation that things with OM continue and our hero finally stands down
- more months pass
- Wife is outed by friends on social media that she has a "new" guy. Our hero is finally freed to tell his children and acquaintances about his vigil and why he kept silent.
- More months pass
- Son moves home unexpectedly so our hero has someone other than his cats to talk to
- More months pass
- Wife contacts lawyer and the legal stuff. Wife's narrative of events to her lawyer consists of "alternate facts"
- Husband gets paperwork in order for the third time and starts paying legal bills

Our story continues .....

I've learned an awful lot about infidelity, relationships, myself and the legal system over the last 18 months that I've been on this journey. While I'm not healed completely I'm doing a lot better than I was.

The end game is perhaps being played now where the divorce is inevitable. Many people around me believe that to be the best outcome possible for me in a bad situation. I just hope that the financial and more importantly emotional bleeding can be minimized.

OwnIt / Job - thank you for the visit and your comments. I'm responding here rather than on my prior thread to keep visibility.

She may indeed dispute the Opinion of Value but I don't expect her to unless it comes in really low. The totals involved aren't large - we live in a comparatively very cheap part of the world. To toss around numbers, I have an old appraisal of $105K which is the number that my proposal from January references. I have a municipal assessment that we both agree is too high of $170K. She was ball-parking a number of $140K. The range is pretty narrow so this is really just an exercise in paperwork. If the opinion of value comes in really low which is a possibility then I may agree to ignore it in favour of a number somewhere in the range we were already talking about depending on how hard she pushes on other items.

In other news - as I was writing this post I got this month's bill from my L which drains most of the $2K retainer. The bill is a bit bigger than I might have thought but not really out of line for the work performed. One line item I questioned but am agreeing to pay ('cuz I'm a heck of a nice guy). I had been concerned that my case wasn't getting any attention and that my lawyer was unprepared and sure enough - no charges at all prior to the collaborative meeting to review any of my documents but there was one from yesterday. In my acknowledgement of receipt of the invoice I did express concerns that my case wasn't "getting the attention I hoped for" and exactly as I typed that a fresh email came in acknowledging receipt of my email from last week. I think that they've woken up to the fact that there's money to be made off me and that things might not be as simple as they expected when they weren't bothering to read any of my documents.

[AndrewP]

Journaling

It's been a good long weekend. I had a couple of encounters that make me feel rather good about the world that I live in.

On Saturday I was trying to find the "only in Canada" treats that D25 and her H were wanting me to take down to them when I visit in a few weeks. Most of the list was easy except for one particular chocolate bar. As I was standing lost and confused I happened across a lady and her two young girls in the snack food aisle. I happened to mention that I was lost and confused looking for Crispy Crunch chocolate bars. The lady pointed me in the direction of the aisle that I had already searched thoroughly and in the conversation she happened to mention that she was a single Mom and I mentioned that I was a single Dad. I was completely unable to find the chocolate and gave up but as I was in the queue to check out who should swoop in but this rather nice lady holding up the missing chocolate. My day was seriously made. I'm still smiling.

Another interesting / positive encounter of the opposite gender sort happened at my regular bake shop. A lady who works there from time to time seems to be getting more hours. I know her and one of her daughters because S23 went to school with her daughter. I was rather surprised when this lady made a point of sitting with me while I was having my lunch and we chatted a bit. Again - a positive interaction that made me feel good. I did have a bit of a LOL because while this lady and I are not "Facebook friends" we are connected via Instagram. Within minutes of me posting a landscape picture from today's hike she had pressed "like". Possibly meaningless but still it's nice to feel "attractive" even in social media.

In other news S23 has alternated between grumpy and cheerful with cheerful dominating. Being as it has been the first weekend of the month the big clean of the house was scheduled. Much scrubbing and dusting has happened. S23 though volunteered to do the vacuuming and sweeping without being asked. While he didn't do it to my "standards" it largely got done and I made a point of appreciating it and won't be going over what he missed. It's just a few dust bunnies. The world will not end.

My single ticket is booked for the charity dinner at the end of the month now. I'd debated getting a pair of tickets but no - I'm single and will be attending things as single for the foreseeable future. But more and more I'm getting to be OK with that.

I also spent a bunch of time out-doors this weekend and thanks to S23 helping around the house did some extra hiking putting in about 15km over the weekend.

Since Coly23 is often interested in my menu (waves) tonight on Labour Day the menu was a salmon fillet with potatoes and veg. During dinner I queued up a Beethoven string quartet thinking about a good friend who I haven't heard from in some time. We have a shared interest in some novels and in one of them "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" - Beethoven's music plays a minor role.

So - time for me to pack things up for the work week. I have some colleagues from Mexico City flying up mid-week to discuss best practices on managing chemicals with short shelf lives (my life is "ever" so exciting) and on Thursday I have another "collaborative" meeting with STBX. Hopefully this one will have some progress towards a resolution.

Too all those who are "playing the home game" I give you one of my favourite quotes from a CBC radio program called "The Dead Dog Comedy Hour" - "Stay Strong, Be Brave, Wait For The Signs"

[AndrewP]

Well this is weird. I'm normally a very balanced and calm person but for some reason today I'm feeling anger.

The timing is not good because the second collaborative meeting is this afternoon.

I'm angry at my lawyer for not taking my case seriously ignoring my requests for opinion or follow-up while in recent days making repeated demands for documents that I've already agreed to provide and then providing documents filled with mistakes in transcription. Bloody clerical paper pusher .... And to think that this is one of the most senior family law lawyers in the area. What sort of Family Law lawyer doesn't know the difference between an Appraisal and an Opinion of Value? These obvious mistakes are very concerning. Lawyers are supposed to be sticklers for being precise. I know that as someone trained as a mathematician that I'm perhaps more so than most but sheesh!

I'm angry at my STBX for making this happen.

I'm angry at STBX for dragging this out for two bloody years rather than being open and honest as soon as she decided that she had found a new guy that she picked over me.

I'm angry at myself for allowing things to drag out but also proud of myself for standing true through the pain and anger of betrayal out of duty, loyalty and love to something that I believed in.

I'm angry at STBX for possibly setting S23 on me as a spy. I know that over Christmas from one of the non-obvious surveillance cameras she had him go through the office. He's also made sure to be present at all discussions with the realtors which is quite out of character. I hate that I have been suspicious of my own son. That's not right.

I'm also angry at her for nagging the realtors for a copy of the document they were creating for me (they asked me privately if it was OK for them to share it). She's the one who lies, not me.

I was also triggered by one of STBX's favourite songs coming on the radio - "My Church" by Marren Morris which talks about being proud of lies and cheating and which would get cranked up whenever it came on.

Sigh.

Positives.

I know myself to be angry and I know that I can't let it control me.

I know that S23 loves me as well as his mother and is in a difficult spot.

The fact that STBX was asking for the Letter of Opinion means that she is actually getting prepared for the meeting this time. The last meeting was a bust with her having nothing together.

I know that there are many kind people in this world who care for and about me.

I know that there is nothing that STBX can do to me that is worse than what she has already done.

I know that I have a plan for all of the contingencies that I can envision and know that I can control the agenda in the meeting if it goes in directions that I don't want. I want a settlement - not arguing over the value of a tea service.

I know that I have the power at this point to say NO and to walk away from the table if there is no acceptable deal presented.

I know that I have the power to fire my lawyer even if it means walking away from the related sunk costs.

I know that there is a far shore - I can almost see it.

I know that I am ME and that that person is a kind, caring, loving person who does indeed deserve better than this.

I know that I am a person who will face whatever comes his way and deal with it regardless of whether it is something he deserves or not.

My hero - the Knight of the Rueful Countenance would be proud of me I hope. But like him - I am tired, so very tired.

Thanks for listening / reading. Letting this stuff out in a safe place always helps me.

[job]

Andrew,

It's about time you got angry. You've been a very calm, level headed man throughout all of this. Yes, you have every reason to be angry and it's good to get this out of your system before the meeting today.

Not every lawyer will represent you the way that yours has. Some are truly sincere in representing clients. My lawyer was very similar to yours and I finally had to ask him..."Who are you presenting...me or him? If you are presenting me, then you better get with it." Some look at how many billable hours they can get because they do know what a person in crisis will do. Mine knew that my xh was out to lunch and so did his lawyer.

I've often thought that your son was providing info to your w. Interesting that he wanted to be there when your had the walk thru recently and who knows...he could have had his cell phone recording the conversation. MLCers will use any body and every body to get what they want. I am sorry if this is what your son has been doing.

Now, about today...put on a smile, leave the anger at the door, but be firm, and if you don't like something, speak up in a very calm voice. The less emotion you show, the better. This is now about a contract that has gone bad and the two parties need to resolve the business end of that said contract. The w you knew is gone and the person that is inhabiting her body is a pod person who is going to possibly drag this out until you toss up your hands and say enough.

I will be praying for you today.

[Gordie]

Andrew,

Best wishes today and ha m your for journaling. You write how I feel which is a relief of sorts. The thing with your s is really hard but in the end you knows he loves you which is most important.

[Westo]

I am so sorry if your son really has been spying on you, good luck for today and keep calm.

[OwnIt]

Andrew:

Try not to assume the worst. Given that he loves you both I seriously doubt he wants to be put in the middle like that.

I hope today's meeting went better than expected and you are getting where you want to be.

[AndrewP]

Job - Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. Even though I'm not particularly religious I do appreciate it. No matter where my future paths lead me I will always treasure your kind and calm voice and your generous heart.

Gordie / Westo / Job - I'm not too worried about S23 and his actions. He's doing what I as his father taught him. Love, respect and protect women, especially his mother. I am sad that his mother has obliged him to be surreptitious and yes Job - now that I think about it, he did have his cell out in his hand through the meeting with the realtor.

One good thing about being an honest man though is that I never need to worry about keeping my story straight nor what people might hear. I did think about having a talk with S23 about the fact that I had nothing to hide from anyone, even his mother but I've mentioned that before and there is no need to do it again. It would just make him uncomfortable. I am angry at his mother though for putting him in the position of doing this.

I love my son and am proud of him. He's a good young man doing his best in a difficult situation. In his shoes I would be doing pretty much the same thing. He is very much my son.

I wrote a bunch of stuff here but purged it in part because there's a good chance that STBX is also reading here. I was very pleased with my lawyer who now has brought her A game to the table. She was blunt to me but listened to what I said and accepted my priorities. On my part I listened carefully to her advice and explored it to be sure that I understood both where the law goes and where her experience guided things. We did go over the numbers with some care and my lawyer reviewed some of the off-sets and calculations that she recommended that made some of the factors more favourable to me than I would have thought of on my own.

I think not all things are flowers and rainbows between STBX and her lawyer. They still didn't have their disclosure complete but the "did" present a counter-offer which after leaving to consult with my lawyer and countering it, I rejected it. My lawyer mentioned that even though her opposing number was "very" tough that she didn't seem to be bringing her full game to the table. STBX was actually largely present in the meeting complete with shark eyes and a lot of attitude that got offended when I pushed back but had little substance behind her arguments. I made a point of trying not to mention OM but there were a number of times when my oblique references where obvious. My lawyer mentioned in the post-mortem meeting that a number of things that I said obviously struck home and were perhaps not helpful - no surprise to anyone there - but nobody stormed out of the meeting. STBX's lawyer was quite aggressive and dominant but I was very prepared for that and tried to engage STBX directly in the discussions. For a laugh - it used to always offend her (and me) when people would talk to me instead of her when we were doing something like car shopping etc.

One of the darts I tossed (I just can't help myself) was the mention that STBX had gone through several lawyers already and she tried to fire back that I had as well. BUT all these lawyers know each other and my former lawyer now works for my current one and everything on my side was reasonable as to why I changed counsel. I think that's about as far as I can safely go to ensure that STBX's lawyer knows that her client isn't perhaps all that she originally presented herself as. I still can't believe that she originally lied and held back documents. Lawyers are right up there with spouses as people you don't lie to. Oh - yeah - right ...

So - even if STBX is reading this I think I am safe to say that the counter-offer that they made in some circles could have been considered reasonable. The request for indefinite support though was something that I really put my foot down on. I made a couple of counter proposals but after a couple of staring contests between myself and the opposite lawyer we agreed (and then she pushed again and we agreed again - a few times) to table the indefinite support as something that we didn't agree on at present and that both sides needed to go away and re-think what would be acceptable.

Given schedules and my planned visit to D25 in 2 weeks the next meeting is in early October. I have a couple of "to-do" items to take care of but not many. Along with that though I will do a bunch of math, some hard thinking and come up with some counter-proposals. One of the toughest parts of this and something that I can't change is the fact that mentioning OM and the fact that they quite prossibly have a "happily ever after" on the way is a taboo subject. I "could" bring that up as a factor but as both lawyers are quite firm on reminding me, it has no legal bearing especially in a long-term marriage. It also is a major trigger point for STBX.

I do so wish that she would just admit to what the reality is but I don't think she ever will, even after she is ensconced in her new "ever after".

Thanks again everyone.

PS - I went out to dinner at the local pub tonight and had a nice chat with my server. We ended up talking about relationships etc and it turns out that her own father ran off and "suddenly" formed a relationship with a rather unpleasant woman who talks a lot about strippers but likes puppies. I smiled as I suggested that if her mother needed someone to talk to that I was free at present.

[job]

Andrew,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. It's never easy and/or pleasant to go through discussions about assets, etc. Hopefully, both of you can agree on the matters at hand in October.

For now, do your "to do" list and then enjoy your visit w/your daughter and her husband. You need a break and a change of scenery.

[Coly23]

Hey AP, just visiting and returning that hug, (((AP))).

I am really shocked that your stbx used your Son to spy on you; that's really below the belt putting him in that position. Also how do you know that stbx is reading on this site?