Hi! I read a comment somewhere that it might be better if posts show in its proper category. So I'm reposting my story.
Here it goes..
Just like a lot of people here, H and I were happily married (13 years) and everything was fine or at least I thought was. Until one night, he said he doesn't love me anymore... that he fell out of love and that he no longer wants to stay married to me. Needless to say, I was shocked, crushed, devastated! I begged, pleaded, cried but he was unmoved. He also said that we need to tell our D11 immediately, he didn't care if he hurts her feelings. He was as emotionless as a rock. He fell asleep immediately after that like nothing had happened. I, on the other hand, called my SIL and my best friend, who were both shocked! (On a side note, all of the people I told about our situation were shocked and thought I was joking because we were a "happy" couple.)
I tried to get as much reasoning and information as I could from my hubby but to no avail. I begged and asked for another chance many many times but that made him angrier. I was lost and confused! Until a friend suggested that he may be going through a midlife crisis. I researched more that night and by golly wow! My hubby is a textbook! If I only knew more about midlife crisis before, I would have seen the signs from miles away.
There were a few times when I thought he is coming back to his senses, only to find out later that he hasn't changed his mind about wanting to divorce me. And he makes that clear! That hurts my heart badly. Up to now, it feels as if my heart is being literally stabbed.
Some of the changes that he's made are spending more time in the mirror, eating healthier, working out more, pierced his ears, started smoking, got a tattoo. There was one day he said he thought he'd be okay after he bought his motorcycle, but that didn't satisfy his needs. He grew his hair then shaved his head after his hair had grown, and said that it did not bring him back to his old self. It felt as if he wanted to shake that feeling off but couldn't.
And then he came home angry one day and said that we need to divorce immediately. I die in pain every time he says that. I asked him why he is in a rush for this, and he said because he wants to start dating! I set him free and told him he has his freedom but won't divorce him. I know I know. I am not a doormat but at this point I just know that nothing would stop him from doing what he wants anyway. So he moved out of the house and is now living in his apartment. He "borrowed" some extra furniture that we have from the house and found out later on that he started purchasing more furniture for his place. This makes me think that he is moving on and is very happy being "single".
A couple of weeks after he moved out, he started picking up my D11 from my house every morning to drop her off to her school, something he stopped doing for more than a year now. I see this as a sign of guilt. See, he loves his daughter very much!
He has been posting more often on facebook now, and seems as if he is happy with his new life. I cry every time because I feel like I am the cause of all his unhappiness although I know that this is the MLC talking. My mom and FIL see his behavior as hiding the pain. Yesterday, he changed his FB status from married to separated. This is my new pain. I already hid him from my settings so I won't know what he is up to but I couldn't change the settings in the check ins which notifies me every time. I am deleting my FB account very soon.
I am still hoping that he comes back to me someday but I understand that there are no guarantees. I pray to God and I cry every single day. It has only been 4 months but this feels like eternity already. I admit that I am depressed, I'm seeing a therapist and I bring my D11 to hers.
So there's my story and thanks for reading and I hope I didn't bore you
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hello Charley, and welcome to Crazyville.... sorry you find yourself here too... we all know the pain too well.... but it does get better..... trust me I was skeptical too.... but it really does.... keep on praying..... I pray for God to fill me with his peace and to help me understand what H is going through (along with daily prayers for H), Monday will be eight months for me and let me tell you I have grown so much in these eight months it's really amazing.
Good job on the getting rid of facebook, very good call, no need to throw salt in the wound, and I wouldn't put it past your H to post stuff just to upset you if he thinks you are reading it.
Everyone will tell you how important it is to focus on you (and your daughter), they are right. It's not easy at first, but the sooner you do it the better off you will be.
Everyone I know who I told had the same shocked reaction, it's typical reaction from Normalville.... my H also said he wants to "see other people". I was totally shocked too, so I get where you are coming from. Your subject says it's your birthday.... in spite of it all I wish you a Happy Birthday, I know how hard it is... on my birthday (a month after BD) the only recognition I got from H was, "For what it's worth Happy Birthday." The year before he planned the most awesome surprise..... it's crazy how things can change in a instant.
You will find a lot of good, caring, knowledgeable people here.... and a safe place to vent..... and trust me you'll have plenty of days where you need to vent!
Above all keep looking up! No matter what happens you will get through this.
