I think she wants to be friends

[sleeper]

Yes the all seeing, all knowing eye of the thread has locked. Must mean a change in the sitch.

W called this AM. Ended up being about a 45 minute talk. We began talking about our children, then talked about the economy, the safety of the neighborhood I live in and finally Summer vacation. I think this may have been the longest convo we have had except for spews since we separated.

She brought up Summer vacation again (the 5th time) and mentioned "how hard it is to watch two young children at the beach alone." I told her I would be more than happy to go along. I think she was feeling me out on if I would go with her and the kids. I refused to go last year, although invited (and expected). I took the opportunity to explain why I didn't go and apologize for some of the things I said when she returned and reamed me. She listened.

One of the last things she said was about restructuring and paying our debt down. This comment really blew me away as the last discussions about our finances had to do with splitting them up.

Only time will tell. For now I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing: being her friend, helping her when she asks for it, anticipating what she might need but not overdoing it, responding to her anger (when it happens) with patience and kindness.

I think that's one thing that has blown her away. She really expected me to get angry and become confrontational when the FS stuff hit. Instead I showed concern for her financial well being and asked to take on more of the debt. This was obviously the opposite of what she expected.

Ironically it wasn't part of any plan I had either.

[forward]

Sleeper,
I think you are doing OK. You sound more relaxed. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

I wish I could say the same for my situation. You are making progress. My guess is that many of us in similar timeframes are having our spouses feel the reality hititng.

[TRUSTING]

Sleeper,

It does sound like you are making progress. Being consistent is the key...

[sleeper]

It's amazing what you can learn by just reading your mail. I and W are now divorced (distant trumpets sounding, "tadaaaa").

Yes, since last Tuesday, exactly one week ago and W's birthday, we have been divorced. I told W the news on the phone, she wasn't even aware. The financial stuff isn't finished but we are divorced. What a truly confused state we live in.

Jack, tell him what he's won.

OK Bob, he's won matrimonial termination! That's right Bob, complete, final, total end of marraige! Legal in all fifty states, the District of Columbia and any Territory of the United States. This divorce is non-transferable and all fees and financial penalties ordered by the court are the responsibility of the holder.

Back to you, Bob.

I am OK with this. I resigned myself to/accepted it some time ago. As proof I had a doctor's apt by coincidence this afternoon. My blood pressure was 114/70. That's better than when I was a junior in High School.

I think this has actually taken some pressure off of XW. Of course we have talked even more since this afternoon when I told her we were divorced. Once she had set this goal (divorce) for herself I think it took on a life of its own. She is much more relaxed now. I am interested to see what happens next.

"Having a thing is not the same as wanting a thing." (I can't remember who said that)

[sleeper]

It's amazing what you can learn by just reading your mail. I and W are now divorced (distant trumpets sounding, "tadaaaa").

Yes, since last Tuesday, exactly one week ago and W's birthday, we have been divorced. I told W the news on the phone, she wasn't even aware. The financial stuff isn't finished but we are divorced. What a truly confused state we live in.

Tell him what he's won, Jack.

Sure Bob, he's won matrimonial termination! That's right Bob, complete, final, total end of marraige! Legal in all fifty states, the District of Columbia and any Territory of the United States. This divorce is non-transferable and all fees and financial penalties ordered by the court are the responsibility of the holder. Equipped with California emissions

Back to you, Bob.

I am OK with this. I resigned myself to/accepted it some time ago. As proof I had a doctor's apt by coincidence this afternoon. My blood pressure was 114/70. That's better than when I was a junior in High School.

I think this has actually taken some pressure off of XW. Of course we have talked even more since this afternoon when I told her we were divorced. Once she had set this goal (divorce) for herself I think it took on a life of its own. She is much more relaxed now. I am interested to see what happens next.

"Having a thing is not the same as wanting a thing." (I can't remember who said that)

[Imageer]

You sound like you are doing well. I am in much the same position as you regarding the current state of your R. I am not D'ed yet but I think I will be before things get better. However, W contacts me almost daily and we are always friendly with each other. Like you, I also go out of my way to be good to her. Like you say "I think she wants to be friends" and that seems like a good start to me.

Keep doing what you are doing.

[forward]

Sleeper, I am glad you are doing well, even in this situation.

[sleeper]

Thanks Breton,

I read your thread about D being away on a trip with your H. I didn't post because I didn't know what to say. Being separated from my kids is the worst part of this whole experience. The silver lining to this cloud is that I cherish each moment spent with them and experience it more thatn I might have without the separation.

I do have a question for anyone who has figured this out.

Now that we are divorced, W still asks me to take care of the kids for her for a variety of reasons when it is technically her time. I have never asked the this favor of her. The reasons for these requests are usually work demands or as she said tonight, "I'm so tired I'm about to lose it."

I declined taking the children tonight, making the excuse I had "plans" to which she immediately asked, "got a hot date?" I just ignored that question.

The problem is I would like to address this once and for all and I am having trouble phrasing a good response. If I say, "we're divorced now and you have to figure this out" or "what did you expect was going to happen when we got divorced" or "you have to figure this out just like I do" it will sound like I'm rubbing in the fact that I believe she made a mistake and she will just dig her heels in deeper.

She is still talking about "our debt." It's so damn weird. It's like in her mind we're not divorced in ways although we are. I am probably the person she is most close to in this world which is also weird.

The biggest 180 I could do is to respond "why yes I do" the next time she asks, "got a hot date?"

"Shake it up" The Cars

[TRUSTING]

From one divorcee to another. After the divorce ex thought his life would be less stressful. He has found it is a living hell. After the divorce he was cocky and arrogant. 6 months later he is humble and pathetic. It is amazing the lessons they have to learn that are common sense for most of us.

[sleeper]

I hear you, Trusting.

I guess people do a lot of stupid stuff in their quest for "happiness."

"I just want to be happy" (my X, about a week ago)

When you think about it, all Alolph Hitler did was to promise the German people if they elected him Chancelor he would make Germany a great, prosperous nation and the people happy again.

They voted for him.

So has your H figured out the D hasn't made him happy yet, Trusting?