First time post. I have read about 4 years ago and picked it up again as well as just purchasing Healing from Infidelity. I am the guilty party here. I had a 2m affair with a co-worker which has been broken off and contact ceased for a week now. Obviously the wound is deep with my wife. I have been listening and trying to empathize how she feels but obviously cannot begin to fathom the pain. It took way to long (4wks) for me to decide after the A was out in the open to make it work or not which only made things worse. We are in limbo right now while we wait until October to make a decision to move forward or D. In the meantime we are seeing a MC as well as ICs. We are talking in a civil manner now and things were discussed that gave me true insight to my W personality and made her relate-able to me for the first time in 20 yrs.
I have committed to her that I am all in on making this work...however she has not decided either way. I feel like a dumb animal in the regard that I don't know what I can do other than just keep talking to her and demonstrating I could be trusted again (do what I say/say what I do). Any words of advise are helpful as I feel like I am in a fog right now.
Thanks
Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/1709:50 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
As a spouse who was cheated on by an EA my words of advise are just keep showing her you love her. Keep your life an open book. So she knows nothing is going on. You've said you are sorry. Now just show her that you mean it, by being patient with her. Just be there for her.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
At this point all your words are meaningless to her. Only actions matter. Anything you want to communicate to her (you're sorry, you love her, she's the only one you want) figure out how to show with actions not words. Your words will only piss her off even more.
it's obvious, but be entirely open with her. Keep no secrets, and remember, right now, her perception is more important than reality, so do everything you can possibly do to make sure she perceives you as trustworthy. If you ever think "well, she's asking for something unreasonable," YOU'RE WRONG. What she is asking for is entirely reasonable given the circumstances.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thanks Jim. I have been fielding questions honestly...now. She has all my passwords and full access to online social media, mail, and my phone. Even my work email! Of course this is so fresh she still believes there will be something else down the road to pop up but all I can do from that standpoint is keep being honest, calm, open and patient i guess.
It's not just the affair that is damaging. It's the amount of stone walling, and secrecy and blame, and gaslighting, and villification, and rewriting of history that you most likely put on your spouse to justify your affair. It is truly one of the most psychologically damaging acts one can commit. Because it comes from someone we loved and trusted. I would have an easier time getting over being gang raped in public then the way I was treated by my lying and delusional and irrational ex.
I think acknowledgment of this would be helpful in your situation. Not just saying you're sorry and that you regret. But truly examining and validating all the other components of betrayal.
