WHG: Waiting out the time before D...

[workinghardguy]

Realized my old thread is at 95... may as well start a new one. Here are my comments from the last post of my old thread:

Something I meant to reflect on last night in my post... and any newcomers to the boards feel free to take it for what you think it's worth...

A year ago I felt like my life was falling apart around me. I can remember so vividly turning the car around and going back home to confront my W. Hearing those words. Talking for a while. Feeling that hug (I believe it may have been the last hug she ever gave me) and remembering how much it felt like a goodbye hug. The drive to an EAP counselor. Getting the book. The chaos of my life thereafter.

And yet here it is one year later. My life is good. No, not great, not yet. But good. I had more fun this past weekend than I had in many weekends while we were together near the end. I remember the pain I was in leading up to the bomb drop. That's no way to live. No matter how bad you think it will be, it will get better.

I went to sleep last night. No sleep aids... slept all night. Got up and gave my S lots of hugs and kisses since I won't see him until Wednesday. Went to work. All the things that make life, life.

It's different than it was. There are times it still really hurts. It's hard to watch the WAS struggle. Heck she called today to see if I had sent the child support check as she forgot about her car payment and literally had no money for food until Friday. But life is better. It will get better. Have faith. Be strong. Look forward. Be you.

[jbnati]

Well said WHG. Keep up the good work.

I know exactly what you're saying.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Realized my old thread is at 95... may as well start a new one. Here are my comments from the last post of my old thread:

Something I meant to reflect on last night in my post... and any newcomers to the boards feel free to take it for what you think it's worth...

A year ago I felt like my life was falling apart around me. I can remember so vividly turning the car around and going back home to confront my W. Hearing those words. Talking for a while. Feeling that hug (I believe it may have been the last hug she ever gave me) and remembering how much it felt like a goodbye hug. The drive to an EAP counselor. Getting the book. The chaos of my life thereafter.

And yet here it is one year later. My life is good. No, not great, not yet. But good. I had more fun this past weekend than I had in many weekends while we were together near the end. I remember the pain I was in leading up to the bomb drop. That's no way to live. No matter how bad you think it will be, it will get better.

I went to sleep last night. No sleep aids... slept all night. Got up and gave my S lots of hugs and kisses since I won't see him until Wednesday. Went to work. All the things that make life, life.

It's different than it was. There are times it still really hurts. It's hard to watch the WAS struggle. Heck she called today to see if I had sent the child support check as she forgot about her car payment and literally had no money for food until Friday. But life is better. It will get better. Have faith. Be strong. Look forward. Be you.

Pain is no good, glad to hear you finally enjoying yourself and enjoying what life has to offer you.

[workinghardguy]

A good weekend and week. Really had very little contact with STBX, actually none come to think about it. Tonight will be the first time I've seen her in... almost a week?

This is probably the longest period where we've had no communication other than she liked a photo I posted of my son on Facebook. I've felt alternatively relieved, upset, sad, and happy about it.

Saturday night went out with friends and glad I did. I still get "jumpy" but again it was good. It was our Meetup group. Smaller this time with new faces but still good. It was funny at the end of the night... I'm so out of practice in the dating world. I found myself flirting and being flirted with by one of the new group members. The football game was over and we had all done a karaoke song so we were getting ready to head out. Suddenly I see the guy across the table ask the gal for her number and she gave it to him. I found myself thinking... why the heck didn't I do that? Dang am I out of practice!

On the drive home though I reflected on that whole sequence. I found myself actually wanting to get someone's number. And not because I'm lonely, but because I really found that woman to be interesting, funny, cute, and wanted to know her more.

I'm fairly confident now that my STBX isn't coming back, or at least not any time soon. Had she not met her guy perhaps but she has and so that "loneliness need" is filled for her. Then again I don't want to just fill that box for her.

This weekend my son and I took a long walk around town. We talked about lots of things. He asked about mommy's new boyfriend (my term not his... he just used his name)... what does it mean "to date"... Asked if he would be his new daddy someday. I managed to answer all of them calmly and without breaking down.
We talked about how I'll always be his daddy no matter what just as mommy will always be his mommy. That it's hard for adults to be alone sometimes, and that mommy is doing the best she can. Man it's hard to distill it down into words a six old will get and not trash your STBX in the process.

He said that mommy is always so sad. And that mommy just hates being alone.

Even a six year old has that figured out.

[needgrace]

WHG,

what a smart perceptive son you have.

sounds like you are doing well in such a difficult situation.

((((( )))))))

[workinghardguy]

Just had to say... tonight I miss my family. More than usual. Just sad. Had all the kids here as STBX worked tonight. Had a full compliment around the dinner table for once. Usually it's just S and I, and he's six so not a ton of cooking involved.

I just miss it. Can't do anything about it. But I do miss it. And missing it, and SS and SD, makes me sad.

[afa75]

WHG, as one of the many in the same sich, with kids also, I know your pain. You're not alone. Many of my weak moments are because of the possible effects on the kids. Having them is awesome, not being the "intact" family unit simply sux. As many here and in real life had said, be their rock. I now realize "faking it to make it" isn't so easy for the kids. As you originally posted in this thread, you have been able to again enjoy life. Show that to your kids!

I'm 37, my W is 31, we have 3 kids. Our 9 ann was 9/13. Too scary of our similarities. .

Also, your sadness us due to the fact that you love your kids, it's a good thing. Be sad for awhile, and then grow stronger again. I'm sure you will.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks afa... I think what really makes it hard is I miss my stepson and stepdaughter so much.

I get my son 50/50, but I get SS and SD so much less because they have a mom and a dad, and I'm neither of those people. My time with them is really "catch as catch can" or time that I fabricate. And I always need to keep in mind that time with me is time they don't have with their real mom and dad.

Wednesdays and Thursdays (and every other Fri-Sun) are my days with my S. If I had all of them those days my heart probably wouldn't be quite so broken. But I don't and there's not much I can do about it.

Tonight my S cried because he too missed the big family dinners. They just rarely happen in either house now. After my W left her XH demanded 50/50 time so he could avoid paying child support.

We managed to go from one intact house and one broken... to three broken. Pieces just lying around everywhere you look.

[2thepoint]

Hey WHG! I'm just popping in to say hello. Good to see you still posting. Hope all is as well as can be expected, under the circumstances!

Take care!

[workinghardguy]

Hey 2TP... you too... hope things are good on your end!

It's been a good weekend. Didn't have the kids most of the weekend as it was STBX's weekend, but did some me-stuff. Friday took S and SS out for dinner as SD had a sleepover and I figured the boys wanted none of that Then SS spent the night at my place so we could do our volunteer thing on Sat morning.

I was touched on Friday night... SS asked me to sit down and help him earn his next promotion in the youth group so we did that. Then he asked if I would help him figure out how to design a special gumball machine for his wood shop class. I told him of course. When I asked him why he asked me he said that I was the smartest person he knew Ok, I'll take it

When I picked S and SS up Fri night STBX was in an incredibly foul mood. God how I remember those moods! I found myself trying to crack a small joke or two before my brain kicked in and reminded me that her mood isn't my problem. Gathered up the kids and headed out... left her to stew in her own anger. Turns out she didn't get the job she was hoping for so she was angry... at least that's what SS said.

Saturday night was sort of a big night for me. I live in a small town (10,000 people). My W has lived in this town since she was 6 and her family has lived here for generations, so she knows lots and lots of people. When we split up she "got the friends" since most of my friends were spouses of her friends. So since the split I haven't gone out in our town. I just haven't wanted to face her friends or any of that.

Well Saturday there was a comedy show in town. The headliner is one of her best friend's FIL. But I really like him and like stand up comedy. So I got some friends from my Meetup group together and we went. I will admit I was incredibly nervous. I almost chickened out, multiple times, but I went.

And I'm glad I did. It was a great time. A couple of W's friends came up and gave me huge hugs. Others chatted with me and one of the spouses and I set up a time to go trap shooting together. It helped that STBX wasn't there... I don't know that I could've handled being at the same event as her and boyfriend just yet.

So tonight I'm finishing the last of the D paperwork Such is life. I was over at her place today to drop off a cookie fundraising order. She was still in a foul mood. Dropped off the stuff, talked to the kids, talked to MIL, SIL, and briefly talked to STBX. Then headed home.