Its been half a year since my wife dropped the bomb. In three weeks time im sadly to say divorced. We lived together for three months after BD and her behavior during that time really scared me.
She simply couldnt talk to me after BD. At least not about us. She says that she let me take over her life. She hasnt been intentionally cruel but she just didnt care about how I felt and she still doesnt agnowledge the crazy things she has done and still do that hurts me over and over again. Could list hudnreds of things but my question is how long could it take before she gets it?
If I bring up something that she did to me she twists it so that shes not responsible. That its my fault or that its me who misunderstood her.
Now six months later shes so angry with me when I talk to her about us. Still denies everything that happened and twists it to her advantage.
I have read about defence mecanisms and she really has several of them.
She has returned to her twenties in her mind. She even talks like she did then. Alot of cursing and a cooky attitude.
She projects everything on to me. She has done nothing wrong. I am very carlm when I talk to her and still she gets upset every time we talk.
I only have contact with her reguarding kids now. Its no use trying to talk to her anymore.
Can someone relate? Could you please help me to understand. She is not the same person she was before BD. Just miss that person sooo much and have no idea how to reach her.
She projects everything on to me. She has done nothing wrong. I am very carlm when I talk to her and still she gets upset every time we talk.
I only have contact with her reguarding kids now. Its no use trying to talk to her anymore.
Can someone relate? Could you please help me to understand. She is not the same person she was before BD. Just miss that person sooo much and have no idea how to reach her.
Nope she is not the same person. At least not right now. I would suggest that she will not ever be the same person again. We are not the same people that we were when we were twelve.
Maybe in 3-7 years she might start to resemble the core person that she was.
In the mean time you are getting divorced. Why are you not in LRT?
The only way that you may ever reach her is to STFU and let her go. Drop all of your EXPECTATIONS to zero. If you have any LOVE for her wrap it up put it in a box and put it up on the top shelf.
I am not saying that you can not have HOPE but YOU are not going to FIX her. She either will come out of this on her own or not.
Get on living your life, that is really the only thing that you can do.
It is frustrating when you don't have a lot of traffic on your thread. Mine gets like that sometimes, but I just use it to journal my thoughts, so that I can look back and see if there's any improvement or change in my situation.
Perhaps you can tell "us" more about yourself? How old are you? How long were you married? What drew you to your wife when you first met, and visa versa, what drew her to you when she first met you? If you've already said all this in another thread, I apologize. I'll look and see if you have more.
Try to detach emotionally from your W. You know you can't control her, but you can control your actions and reactions. DO NOT bring up R issues, or any discussion about the R. If she brings it up, then just validate what she's saying ... not agree, validate. For instance, "I hear what you're saying W", or "I'm sorry you feel that way." Only agree, if you really, really do agree with whatever she's saying. Don't try and justify past events. She has it in her mind what happened, and at this stage, there is no changing her mind.
Give her space. GAL (get a life). You can join a gym, or a club, or a meet-up group in your area, or hang out more with family and friends, go fishing and relax, whatever thing you enjoy doing that you haven't done in awhile. Life is to be lived, so don't allow her choices diminish your enjoyment of living your life to the best that you can.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
If the thread doesn't get a lot of traffic or you don't post often, it falls back several pages. Post often, maybe even 2-3 times/day.
If you already have more than one thread that makes it confusing. If you're posting to more than one, post whatever you're posting on the others here. That will help keep it near the top.
Read other posts and read back into the archives. If you read a post that resonates with you, lick on the posters name in the left pane and read others by that person.
There is a wealth of information here.
The pain is terrible but it does go away. What are you doing fro you? What are your GAL activities?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Peter It's simple, it's easier to blame you than herself. LET HER GO.
Generally the harder they fight, the harder they fall. I'm sure you have your share of the blame (btw are you working on those?).
In order to become a WAW she has to be sure that the marriage is worth destroying. If not the guilt will eat her alive. So they lie to themselves and others. The more you try to dissuade her the more she will fight back.
Everyone remembers the past differently. They see it from their view and their side of the story. In time, that will get more objective because she and you won't be seeing it through anger, hurt, resentment.
You do have to detach it's hard, but worth it for your own sanity and for your M.
