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Part 6

After this thread, I think I'll hop over into one of the other forums. I probably don't qualify as a newcomer anymore.

No real update. Only one thing worth mentioning re: the deck project. I asked H if he had any tar remover because the roofers had been there and left some residue on the floorboards. H came out with an assortment of cans and just starts spraying and cleaning. I stopped him after about two minutes and asked what he was using and if he had tested it on a piece of scrap. He hadn't. Now there are at least eight boards that need to be replaced because he used carborator cleaner which is a petroleum solvent, so it ate the finish off the new vinyl decking.

I am finding it so hard to appreciate his trying to be helpful. He took a 20-minute project and turned it into 3 hours of work costing $200. Help me with the up-side please?


Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13
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Why ask him if you know he's not handy? I'll bet he thought he was doing something for you. It's almost as if you set him up for failures. You know where he's lacking. He doesn't have the attention to detail that you have.

You can't have been married this long and not know that he will screw it up and use something inappropriate.

You should have made other arrangements for the clean up (do it yourself, since it bothered you, get the workers to come back and clean up, find the "tar remover" and THEN ask him to clean it, if he's capable, etc.)

I'm starting to feel sorry for this guy.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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I was already cleaning it, for several hours. I didn't ask him to do it. I asked him if he had any tar remover, something he might have used for cleaning the cars or the siding. He didn't bring it to me, he immediately went out to the deck and started spraying it on the deckboards.

If you're suggesting I have to do absolutely everything myself, including keep track of every item of inventory in the house, or go purchase a new one after he used it because I can't ask him where it is without fear of what he might do with it, then I'm not sure why you think I would be married?

I get your tone. It has been consistent in your posts and not very helpful with improving my sitch, frankly. I don't mean to be rude, but you've thrown a number of doozies at me. I'm wondering if it's possible for you to be more productive? I appreciate feedback, but you seem to have developed some personal dislike for me for some reason and it's very evident in the tone of your responses.


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Sorry you don't like my answer or my tone. You are correct. I don't think I would like you should we ever meet. I think you are very self-absorbed. I think you come here more for justification for your contempt of your H than for any real help with your M. You had some of the best people on this board (not me, of course) give you advice and tools to help your sitch.

And, yet, he's always the problem.

Your attitude is the problem, IMHO. You have an air of superiority when it comes to your H. And, maybe you are superior to him in some ways but your condescending attitude is so apparent that I'm sure he feels its sting on a regular basis.

Like I said, I feel sorry for the guy. He really should be married to someone who loves him and appreciates him more.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
What DO you love about your H?
I don't know. That's really hard for me to answer anymore. I love him in general, as a person, but I could say the same thing about my aunt that I see once a year for two hours.

Loving them just speaks about feelings.

"Loving someone" and "enjoying their company" are two different things (like some teenagers, for example.)

Originally Posted By: Gabbysmom23
It does appear sometimes that he just can't win with you.
Does it? I'm wondering what I'm missing. Was there a win for me in the above sitch?

Thing is, I'm still doing things for him. Monday, I spent 5 hours ironing his pants and shirts (I don't do his laundry) because I took his time on Sunday discussing some things about our R and he didn't get to do it and complained about the time spent. When he came home, he asked why I did it, then accused me of being vindictive because I said hopefully that makes us even (a peace offering re: the time he complained about wasting.)

Last night I cooked him dinner, which I don't usually do because we don't eat the same things. He said thanks, then quizzed me about the progress on the deck. Not offering suggestions or even appreciation, just wanting to know.

I can't think of much of anything he did for me, except perhaps asking me if I wanted a glass of milk with dinner.

What am I missing? Why in the world would anyone feel sorry for him?

Accuray said something in his post that really struck home with me:
Originally Posted By: Accuray
It's an element of my personality that I don't believe anything is set now and forever and can't be improved with time and effort. That may sound like I believe it's a virtue, but in many ways it's made my sitch more difficult as it prevents me from just "accepting as-is" if something isn't the way I'd like it to be.
I WANT H to want to work on the M as much as I do, but he doesn't exhibit anything. He seems quite content going about life as usual. My frustration lies in feeling like I'm the only one working on it. I'm afraid I need to accept that things are not going to change and just stop trying.

It just makes me very sad to think this it it.


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Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
Your attitude is the problem, IMHO. You have an air of superiority when it comes to your H. And, maybe you are superior to him in some ways but your condescending attitude is so apparent that I'm sure he feels its sting on a regular basis.

Would it make any difference if you knew that I spent a good part the night last night crying from the stress and burden of all that is on my plate right now, that my H's goof just put me over the edge? That today I was sick from being utterly exhausted? Can someone actually be condescending and have an air of superiority and be crying at the same time?

I hate text. What you're describing is not how I feel at all.


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Hi Crazyville,
I have not read your whole stich but the deck debacle kind of struck a chord with me.
If I read right you are the WAW. Hope I did not screw that up! Anyway, you say that he is not trying to work on the marriage but when I hear what he did on the deck it sounds like some bad move I might do hoping to please the one I love. You were working on something and in his mind you asked for his help and he rushed to your rescue hoping to show you how capable he is. Maybe he just does not know how to give you what you need.
In my first marriage (thank god that one ended!) I did a few similar things. We purchased an old home together that had been remodeled. One long weekend my ex-W went off and left me home all alone. I had just read an article about how some of these old houses had these wonderful oak floors covered by carpet. So I checked under and there it was. So I proceeded to pull the carpet out of the front dining area and tried to refinish the floor. I thought this would really win me some points and show her what kind of man I was. Well when she walked in the door Sunday night and I was still sanding down the floors I had my ars handed to me. I finished it the following weekend and it was beautiful but I had the best of intentions and she had no patients for it. Yes I should have talked to her about it but hey I am a guy….
After my current W told me that things were over I pleaded for another chance and she told me that she had been trying to tell me for months about problems and I did nothing to address them. She asked about going to see a MC once and I said sure but she did not bring it up again so I thought we were fine. I did not hear her or did not listen to what she was trying to say until it was too late.
After we separated I read the 5 languages and the clouds parted and the sun came out and I realized what and idiot I was. I was doing all the wrong things to show her I loved her. She wanted my time and my attention most of all and I was so busy I missed it, I did not get it.
So anyway it might be a good idea to somehow let H know what your love language is so he can focus on what is important to you.
Also, I get that some advice on here can come across harsh sometimes but even if it is hard to hear it is worth trying to understand why a complete stranger might offer such advice. What is the saying perception is reality. I would love to have someone tell me where I can improve myself rather than just telling me something I want to hear. This is just my opinion and if anyone wants to hop over to my stich and tell me how I can be a better person I would be very grateful! blush


M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13
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CV... you aren't ready, yet... you're getting there... maybe...

You had some baby steps and one thing turned it all into a pointless endeavour. This is why you are the WAS. You feel overloaded and overburdened by keeping it all together. Staying in a pointless M with a man who just isn't stepping up to the plate.

Will he never "get it"?

No.

He won't.

Which is why the LBS generally says, "I never saw it coming!"

And the WAS says, "If only my spouse had been paying attention and seen that things were so wrong and done something about it."

No one ever said this was easy.

You had baby steps.

Don't let one backslide make you think you are back to square one.

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CV, no one can predict the future... but I see a possible future for you that you would probably say would never happen in a million years...

As many as 6 years ago... I was the WAS... I was wondering why I was with my W. She did everything she wanted to do and kept hounding me for more and more and my needs were never met and I just gave up.

I spent time with the family (my obligations as a H) but I was just as happy doing things by myself and for myself than with my W.

But I stayed in the M. And I am very sure that by this time I probably would have had an exit strategy. I had already had some thoughts about it, although I was staying with my W because I believed in my vows. I had given in to living a life where I was sure that I would never have a wife who would be the wife I had hoped.

And my W... IDK... all I know is... she beat me to the punch.

All I can suggest is... if you plan on staying with your H until your S graduates...

Well, we're talking about 7 or so years... a lot can happen in that time...

Based on how I see things as you have written them... you may find yourself the LBS in a few years...

If I knew THEN what I know now... Things might have been different... but... I don't know that, either... but I can say things would at least have been different, for me...

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Originally Posted By: Crazyville
Would it make any difference if you knew that I spent a good part the night last night crying from the stress and burden of all that is on my plate right now, that my H's goof just put me over the edge? That today I was sick from being utterly exhausted? Can someone actually be condescending and have an air of superiority and be crying at the same time?


yes, when they feel sorry for themselves.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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