I've been noticing some things about my sitch that I haven't mentioned or just kept close to the vest because I wanted to mull them over in my head.
1. I asked H how he could tell two women at one time that he loved them. Because I was trying to reconcile in my head how he could have a wife AND a girlfriend. He responded that he doesn't tell her that. I said I know you have since I found out about your A because I've seen the emails (this is when I was still snooping back in March). He looked me dead in my eyes and said not anymore. I kind of blinked and was speechless. I'm not sure I believe him, which I think I even said, but decided to leave that alone for the time being.
2. H regularly calls me or emails me to check-in FIRST. This had all stopped before the bomb drop, but I didn't really see it until he told me he wanted to leave.
3. H is responding to my hello and goodbye kisses. If he comes into the house now, he comes to find me and kisses me.
4. H has started asking me if I have need money or have cash when I leave the house. This totally was not happening before at all. Not sure what to make of this one because it just started out of the blue. Maybe his way of showing he's taking care of me???
5. H is definitely not on his phone or ipad as much as he was before. Now, I know that doesn't mean he and OW are over, but it is a change in pattern.
6. H and I had a conversation about eye contact when talking to each other. I told him that him changing the channels and looking in the direction of the TV instead of at me was rude. I made a comment the other day about a facial expression of his, and he made a point to tell me that he listened to me when I made the rude comment and was trying to do better.
I'm sure there are others, but that's all I can think of right now. I can always add to the list later on.
I'm listing these things so I will have something to come back to and read when I feel like my sitch is not moving anywhere. Hardly any of these things were happening pre/post-bomb. H still hasn't come out and said that things are over with OW, so I'm just assuming they aren't.
H has not mentioned moving out again, either. But I do catch a glimpse of something in his face when I mention anything happening in the future. So I don't have any expectations that he is staying. If/when he comes to talk to me about it, I'll re-evaluate things then. Until then, I plan to continue what I'm doing.
Funny, I don't feel as much in limbo as I was a couple of months ago. Do I have moments where I wonder if I've lost my mind trying to do this? YES! But some very dear friends have been trying to get me chill out and just be. Something I don't think I've ever really done. Should be interesting for you guys to watch me try. LOL Took an hour for myself yesterday to just hang at the bookstore. It was great!
So this is where I am. Nothing major happening...Just living!
Try this on for size. What if you built that bridge simply for you, to prove you can, just to try to love him a little more and practice loving in case there's someone else in your future.
Ad has given me similar advice recently. If someone had told me this in the beginning I would definitely have thought DOORMAT. But now I see it's not about my H at all. I took it to mean me having the ability to love in spite of. Or at least try to love in spite of. I hadn't really been doing that, just going through the motions.
I put this into action recently by doing something nice for my H just because. It was something I would have not hesitated to do before, but hadn't done in a long time. I found myself smiling while doing it, and doing it with no real expectations. Something else I hadn't done in a long time. And it felt GOOD.
