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#2247092 05/21/12 03:24 PM
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This is my first post and I've literally just become a member. Reading other posts on this site has been such a comfort and knowing I'm not alone makes me feel less lonely.

Here's my story (I'll try to be concise) I've been married for 9 months and together for just over 2 years. My H is in the military and we married sooner than we planned so that we could be together. My H has always been selfish but I hadn't realised just how much so until a month ago. To cut a long story short, I found out that he had a one night stand, he also admitted to another one night stand before we got married. I had asked him several times, before we got married, if he had anything that he thought I should know before committing to each other. He always said "no" I feel so humiliated and betrayed.

We have had 1 appointment with a counsellor (he's been away a lot with work) so we have another appt this Friday. H feels it's a waste of time as he doesn't love me, find me attractive or want to be with me. He says he has no desire to try and it's a waste of time.

I gave up a well paid job, I moved house and relocated to be with him and now 9 months later he wants to give up. I feel so insulted and have done the wrong things, cried, pleaded etc. I now know that I need to get on with my life and not make him the centre of my world. It is so hard though as I will lose my home and life here when he leaves. He is due to go to on tours in this Summer (for 6 months) so I have asked him to try for the next couple of months, see if we can make it work. He has nothing to lose but he still refuses to try.

I'm in a dilemma. Should I listen to him and let him go? He is repeatably saying he regrets marrying me and doesn't want to be with me, that he no longer loves me. Or should I try the 180 approach? I have arranged to meet him after work for a game of tennis, I am determined not to mention our R and act as normally as possible. If he tries to broach the subject (which he often does to rile me) I will deflect the conversation. I'll also visit my friend tonight and give us both some space. He is desperate to move out but I have, so far, persuaded him to stay. Is this the wrong thing to do?

Logic tells me that I should listen to what he's saying and let him go but my heart tells me to try and save out M. I don't know what to do. Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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An update. Things are slightly improved. When we met to play tennis H said that he feels he can sometimes react 'in the spur of the moment' he said we're better off acting normal. I'm not sure whether he means gloss over our problems and then separate when he goes on tour, or if he wants to give us a chance. I resisted the urge to ask him and have decided to wait until our MC session on Friday.

H has mentioned going on holiday before he deploys and has made arrangements to visit his family next weekend (with me) I'm so confused but am trying to get on with things and not ask about our R. Am I doing the right thing or am I sticking my head in the sand?

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Welcome to the board.

Yes Let him Go, it is the only way that you might get him back.
Think like you are holding a bar of soap the tighter you squeeze the faster it slips away.

Get the DR book and read it.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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My heart is out to you. Only you can decide if its over. Let him go stop asking for him to work on it and see what happens.


M:33
W:32
Married 10/28/07
C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships)
12/30/09 Bomb
Divorce Busted 2/04/10
5/15/12 Bomb 2
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Thanks Cadet and HTMI, I really appreciate your comments. Things are relatively smooth at the moment but I will take your advice on board and let him go if he mentions leaving again. Will keep posting updates on here. It's so nice to share my story/feelings with you on here smile

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Has he been deployed before? Do you think it is possible that he has some form of PTSD or other condition like depression/anxiety that causes him to react? Are there any military resources you could reach out to in your situation?

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It could be anxiety but I'm not convinced of it. He is, however, quite unhappy at work and has been for the past year. Although there are places I could go to for support I am holding back from doing so as my H is quite senior and it would probably make things worse. He does seem to be acting as though he's going through a MLC but he's too young for one. Perhaps he's feeling that his youth is slipping away and he's wanting to prove to himself that he still has 'it'. There has been a positive change in his attitude toward our M since the weekend and I'm going to bring some of my concerns up at MC tomorrow. The only downside is that he's away from next week, for 9 weeks. Hell be back for weekends but it means no MC until the end of July (and he goes away in August!)

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Hi T,

Sorry you find yourself on this forum, but we're glad you're here. Keep posting often and read other people's threads. You'll soon learn about suggested books to read, and will become familiar with some of the terminology used....

Here are the "famous" 37 rules that will be important on your journey.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Thanks nhmom... I have been turning to the rules whenever I need strength. Reading them just now has given me another boost. A great reminder of how to conduct myself. Am meeting H, after work, for a meal out. We are still living together and trying to get on with things. He has suggested a weekend visiting both sets of parents next weekend, which is great news as they all know about our situation. I suppose it shows that he's working on our R. I have made a special effort not to big it up, if I try to push him to do something he will do the opposite. I am resisting talking about travel plans etc for next weekend and am waiting for him to bring it up. Thanks for the everyone's comments, it really is a big comfort to know that I can express my feelings on here smile

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What are some of his "complaints"? Has he given you any examples other than say that he doesn't love you anymore? This is a good time to really listen to what he has to say, even if it's something you don't want to hear.

A "crisis" can strike at any point in life. My H's actions and words during and after the bomb fit the MLC description, and he's only 33.

Knowing that you don't have a lot of "face" time with H in the upcoming weeks, and then his deployment, make it difficult to just focus on today. It doesn't sound like he's mentioned a D or S, so that's a good start.

Since you're familiar with the rules, give him space and don't pursue. Don't bring up R talk, don't persuade him to stay. If he wants to leave, as hard as it is, give him the space that he's asking.

You mentioned a few things that you were doing, like going to a friend's. What other things can you do? What can you work on to make you better?


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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