I did this DB'ing 4 years ago with Coach Chuck. My sit was different, in that H was on an extended work trip. It seemed much easier then. It took 6 weeks. I would drive up to the bay area every other weekend. Before I knew it, AND was ready he moved back.
This time, much different. He is still in the house, different/ daily bumps.
My advice, to those that are struggling is to invest in themselves. There are no magic spells or words. I say that because I have been through this before.
I can't take my own advice or that of others on most days. HOWEVER, I am getting stronger by the day. Actually the last 3 days have been interesting. The more I pull away/GAL the more he comes closer.
Kinda like...I am having a party in my life. Husband can see from a far, but he has to keep getting a little closer for a better look. When I invite him to "my" party, he doesn't want to come.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I think the first one goes hand in hand with one of the other DB practices, GAL! If you are really out doing things for yourself, and enjoying yourself, patience becomes much easier.
The other big one is expectations. Now this one I think is a lot harder. Either setting achievable, or even purposely low expectations help. Or better yet, removing them all together. If you are waiting for something big to happen, and it never does, or takes too long, patience is harder to achieve.
Lastly, it really is just a state of mind. It is getting control over yourself. This is also tough with all the emotions that are running through us at this time. But it is possible, at least for periods. I know for me, I control it for periods of time, and then bam, I lose it. BUT, a BIGGY here. When you lose it, let it out here, with friends, family, or with whatever God you may pray to. DO NOT, let it make you do something you will regret.
I think patience being a virtue is a myth. It is a skill. I feel this way because I know for me it is not something that comes natural to me. In fact, quite the opposite. But, I have learned to control it better through all of this chaos. It comes with letting go of what you cannot control and focusing on what you can.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Patience, well that’s tough. I believe I have patience, but what helps me have it? I’ll try and describe what I think helps me. I don’t know if I’ll articulate this well.
I know if I wait for the timing of whatever I am doing to be right then I increase my chances of success. It doesn’t matter what I am doing because I apply the principal from past successes when I waited for the timing to increase my odds.
How to know when the timings right? Analyze failures, learn from them.
Originally Posted By: Tom Krause
There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them.
When I have an unexpected outcome I try and analyze why. The outcome may actually been good and something to repeat. Regardless it is something to learn from. Very Fulleresque sorry I live in a Geo Dome
So for me patience boils down to trying to achieve a success, monitoring for the right moment, then acting when I think the right moment has arrived.
I agree with CS it is an aquired skill
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It's easy to be patient when you see positive progress. You wait, and things get better. Easy. Harder to be patient went things are backsliding. Even harder when things are uncertain and you have no idea if things are getting better or worse, because I tend to overanalyze and worry in an attempt to regain some certainty or control of the situation.
To goal is simply to put a smile on my face while being patient. That's half the battle.
What helps me:
(1) venting here, which I need to cut down on probably. (2) reading related books (3) exercise (4) avoiding triggering situations (for me, it is having to watch my W gets (really) dressed up when she has meetings with her boss), then walk out the door.
Agreed, patience is for when one is seeing or waiting to see positive change, after you have positioned yourself for a positive outcome. Patience is but one skill in the toolbox. We have to use the tools we have while acquiring and developing new ones.
My biggest challenge is positioning myself for success and evaluating if I have done so.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I'm new here, new at DB, but in a very hard spot emotionally right now just trying to let go and disconnect, which is so hard because she is behaving like life is great.
Here is what I have found helps if I feel down / lost / things are bad:
- Talk to a friend who I know will remind you things can and will get better no matter what. Bonus points if that friend has actually gone through this him/herself, and is now in a good place.
- Do SOMETHING, anything, with my kids. Not to lean on them, but to direct energy in another place.
- Like it said in Divorce Remedy - find something to distract me - go out for a long walk, go to the gym, do something productive, just don't sit and dwell on it.
- NOT thinking about the situation. Forcing my thoughts elsewhere really helps. Very hard since the situation is all consuming.
