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#2230110 03/13/12 11:47 AM
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Time for a new thread.

My old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2215868&page=11

Thanks to everyone for the wise advice, care and concern that was shown to me on my last thread.

Just to pick up on some of the final posts on that thread that I haven't responded to as yet:

ncl - Thanks for looking out for me like you do. It means so much, as do your constant words of encouragement.

I'm really starting to feel like I'll be OK no matter what happens with my H.

It's taken me a long time to get here, but I can definitely feel the change in my attitude. When you finally do start to detach a little, it's really a massive relief. Like a crushing weight being lifted from your shoulders...

Denver - your words have given me a great deal of comfort.

I do understand that I just have to detach now. Nothing else for it, detach and LRT. Thanks for taking the time to spell this out in such a caring and persuasive way.

I'd like to reproduce some bits of your post here because I'm sure that they'll help others too:

"Know that your H is going through emotional turmoil right now too. I don't care what he says or does, he is. This is a life transition for him too and I guarantee you that underneath all of the venom, there is a doubt. He has to work through the emotions that he is feeling before he can address the doubt.

The anger? Most likely his attempt to convince himself that he is doing the right thing and is making the right decision. See, he has to be angry in order to do what he is doing. That anger gives him strength.

My W has flat out admitted that is why she would be so hateful and mean to mean at times during this process. She had to be in order to leave and stay left. I broke that down by letting her go through her emotions, letting her alone, not responding to it, understanding, and continuing to love.
"

I know I need to remove myself from the equation and let him go through this process.

I also know that, as you say, things will get better no matter what happens; that time does heal. I'm in your debt for helping me through this.

NLW

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Thank you very much for looking in. Your post was just what I needed to hear.

"prepare yourself for a happy life,[i] with or without h.

what would it look like to be without him AND yet happy? Flesh that vision out."


I'm finally in a place where I think I can envision a life without H. I'm not thinking about him and us. Just about me and the kids and what we will do, and it's starting to seem as if it's the norm for us to be 'just us'. After all, he has been gone for SEVEN MONTHS now. Time for me to move on and stop living a limboland half-life.

"you have to back way off your h. I mean WAY WAY BACK

so he thinks you believe him b/c

only then will be feel free enough to look around and see what his choices are creating.

The more you challenge his choices OR appear to be doing that with further contact/pursuit,

the more pressure/expectations he'll feel. So he'll defend the choices and stand by them, and get them MORE entrenched and solidified.

Act as if you believe him and are moving on."


And Yes, you are spot-on with my need to back WAY WAY OFF as the only way that H will believe that I believe him.

And I do, now - believe that he's gone / going to D me.

I have to.
No more of this "I just can't believe it's happening to me".

It HAS happened. I get to choose now what sort of life I want for the future.

I still have hope that he might want to change enough to re-join our family, but if he doesn't, there's nothing I can do about it.

Sad but true - and the kids and I will be OK no matter what.

My new GAL activities include volunteering at my D16's school gala fete next Friday night; going to a Parents' Quiz night fundraiser at S13's school Sat night; and attending a high school reunion (after 35 years) the Sat night after that (very scary!).

Just going to try to get out and re-connect with people after spending so much time and energy on H - and getting nothing in return.

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Having said I'm ready to move on with life without my H - just a quick report of his latest doings that might make people smile a little.

He came into the house this afternoon because he'd picked the kids up from school (my L and I figure he's been told by his L to start doing this so that he has more of a claim over my assets).

Anyway, he was limping badly; in fact could barely walk.

I didn't say anything, but he was wearing shorts and I could see his knee was swollen up like a balloon.

I guess taking up football at age 42 might not have been such a good idea after all. But anyway, people have knee reconstructions all the time these days...

While H was here, I went to let our new puppy in to the house and found that a newly dead rat had been deposited on my back door mat.

I shreiked and H came out to see, as did the kids, who were horrified. Yuk, yuk, yuk!

And guess what Daddy did?

Smiled and said "See ya kids. Gotta go now." And left us to clean it up.

And I know, I can deal with this sort of thing just as well as he can, but ... it didn't do much for him in the eyes of his kids, I can tell you. They were begging him to help, but he just said "No".

Maybe his knee was too sore... or perhaps he was running late for football training!

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NLW - i came across your thread this morning, when i was struggling and reading where you're at and the attitude with which you are approaching your situation gave me a lift and alot of encouragement to do the same for myself.

i am approaching the seven month mark myself and really need to move forward and envision my life on my own and begin to let H know that i truly accept what he is saying - and to read your posts and the advice you are being given helps me alot.

please know that i really admire where you're at, it's a certain kind of bravery that i'm not quite capable of yet- but am getting the first glimpses of:)

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Hi Zig,

Great to hear from you and to know that you're getting something from this thread that helps.

I'm humbled to think that you can detect bravery in my approach to my sitch - I certainly don't feel brave. More like a craven coward/stumbling wreck most of the time.

But anyway.... just wanted to record that today, FINALLY, I think I might just have coped with a new development in a way that indicates I am starting to grow into a different/better person.

H rang to announce that he was going away tomorrow on a trip across the country "for work".

I backslid a bit by blurting out - "But it's the weekend" (i.e. you can't do work when businesses are closed). An awkward silence ensued, but I smoothed over it by saying that suitcases were here if he needed (180 for me).

A little later I was telling my mum about his trip - complaining that he's just threatened to stop paying the mortgage again because of cash flow problems, but can afford another new set of clothes for himself (yesterday) and an expensive flight and 4 nights' accommodation.

She suggested it may be a football trip - as she'd heard that the amateur league that he now 'plays' in does this sort of thing.

I foolishly went online to try to see if a trip had been organised by his club. Basically, I was clutching at any straw that would allow me to believe that H wasn't going on a trip with OW.

Couldn't find anything so decided to look at his mate's FB page to see if anything was mentioned there.

And what did I find?

OW's evil face (and I'm not exaggerating; she looks like a wolf in the pic - and this must be the best image she has of herself!) peering out at me as a 'friend' of H's best mate.

Now I know that OW and H's mate did not know each other previously, so the only way OW could be there is via my H.

Felt sick and sobbed for all of 2 mins.

Then decided to ring her and tell her to stop breaking up my marriage and ruining the lives of my 2 kids.

And to inform her that, as a practising psychologist, she should have some ethical concerns about pursuing my H in the way she has, and that I was not going to sit by and let her do this any more (veiled threat to notify the Board and have her investigated for de-registration).

Thought about ringing her practice partners and telling them too.

And then I thought to ring MIL and tell her just what her son has been up to - she told me just last week that she'd asked him if there was anyone else and he'd said "No".

"Of course he did, MIL, your son is an inveterate liar".

But then, I told myself to take some time. Think whether any of this would do my sitch any good.

I thought of all the wise heads on this site and what they would tell me to do.

And so, I pulled back, controlled my rage and decided to LET IT GO.

I don't have to care about OW.

If H wants to be with her, so be it.

I need to be better at handling myself than I have been in the past.

I need to learn to accept what I can't control and change what I can about myself to make me a better person.

In this case, I can change by showing compassion and kindness in the face of H's crisis. If I am ever going to get to a better place, I figure this is what I need to do.

And, much to my surprise, I feel good. So much better than being angry and lashing out.

I still fantasise a little about slapping her wolfish mug, but I'm concentrating on being a better person.

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NLW - I love your post!

I actually stopped using FB back in September. My last post was a Happy Birthday message to my H... But guess who else was wishing him HB? I decided that's it. No more FB for me - it's too painful to see my H and OW send each other messages and have their R paraded in cyberspace.

And that day I felt like you. I have been tempted to call her, her STBXH, my MIL, etc. But like you, I step away and think of all the people here that have adviced otherwise, and of all the cases that I have read here when that just came back to haunt the LBS. So I have not done any of it and I am proud about it.

I figure things fall on their own accord, and I am already having a very difficult time getting OW out of my thoughts to add any more fuel to the fire.

So good for you! I admire your strength and ability to let go. I definitely need to follow suit. smile


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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Originally Posted By: NLW
Time for a new thread.

My old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2215868&page=11

Thanks to everyone for the wise advice, care and concern that was shown to me on my last thread.

Just to pick up on some of the final posts on that thread that I haven't responded to as yet:

ncl - Thanks for looking out for me like you do. It means so much, as do your constant words of encouragement.

I'm really starting to feel like I'll be OK no matter what happens with my H.

It's taken me a long time to get here, but I can definitely feel the change in my attitude. When you finally do start to detach a little, it's really a massive relief. Like a crushing weight being lifted from your shoulders...

Denver - your words have given me a great deal of comfort.

I do understand that I just have to detach now. Nothing else for it, detach and LRT. Thanks for taking the time to spell this out in such a caring and persuasive way.

I'd like to reproduce some bits of your post here because I'm sure that they'll help others too:

"Know that your H is going through emotional turmoil right now too. I don't care what he says or does, he is. This is a life transition for him too and I guarantee you that underneath all of the venom, there is a doubt. He has to work through the emotions that he is feeling before he can address the doubt.

The anger? Most likely his attempt to convince himself that he is doing the right thing and is making the right decision. See, he has to be angry in order to do what he is doing. That anger gives him strength.

My W has flat out admitted that is why she would be so hateful and mean to mean at times during this process. She had to be in order to leave and stay left. I broke that down by letting her go through her emotions, letting her alone, not responding to it, understanding, and continuing to love.
"

I know I need to remove myself from the equation and let him go through this process.

I also know that, as you say, things will get better no matter what happens; that time does heal. I'm in your debt for helping me through this.

NLW


You owe ME nothing NLW. I owe this board more than I can explain in words. We pay it forward. Someday you will too I'm sure. Hang in there. You are doing fine. wink

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Something that's on my mind at the moment that I can't throw off.

ncl - you out there? Cause I know you've been through this issue yourself.

How does a WAS get past the shame of what they've done in having an A?

That is, how do they overcome the impetus just to keep going on the path they've chosen in ending their M because it's just too hard/embarrassing/hopeless after what they've done to turn around and try again.

Is the answer just "who knows? Some of them get there and some of them don't?"

Does anyone have any experience with a WAW who came back and explained how they took this huge step?

I get the feeling, constantly, from my H that he believes that there's no coming back from what he's done - cause it's so monstrous and he's such a bad person.

Is there anything I can do around that?

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Sorry, I meant WAS, not specifically WAW, who came back!

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Originally Posted By: NLW
Something that's on my mind at the moment that I can't throw off.

ncl - you out there? Cause I know you've been through this issue yourself.

How does a WAS get past the shame of what they've done in having an A?

That is, how do they overcome the impetus just to keep going on the path they've chosen in ending their M because it's just too hard/embarrassing/hopeless after what they've done to turn around and try again.

Is the answer just "who knows? Some of them get there and some of them don't?"

Does anyone have any experience with a WAW who came back and explained how they took this huge step?

I get the feeling, constantly, from my H that he believes that there's no coming back from what he's done - cause it's so monstrous and he's such a bad person.

Is there anything I can do around that?



Good question. I think that some continue to justify it. As long as it is justified, then nothing bad happened. Some probably admit that what they did was wrong, seek forgiveness, and move forward from there. But the bottom line is, "who knows?"

I think that one thing that you can do to make it easier is to be careful about what you say and who you say it to. If, for example, you spend lots of time trashing the cheating WAS to family and/or friends, it is going to make it much more difficult for that WAS to come back and/or heal from it. They will face the likelihood of being judged, ostracized, and talked about. I think that it is very important that you keep the fact of the A to yourself, those here on this board, and maybe to very few very close friends or family members who you strongly believe will forgive him if you do.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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