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#2239284 04/19/12 08:17 PM
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I don't even know where to begin, but am so impressed by all of the support offered on the site. My husband and I have a very long history, we have been together since the beginning of high school, through college, through him joining the Navy, through Navy SEAL training and 4 duty stations, through his first deployment, and almost through my graduate studies. Things were slowly getting bad starting when he came home from deployment and I had begun graduate school about a year and a half ago. In September, just over a week after our 2nd wedding anniversary he looked at me and said "I want to separate until you are finished with graduate school." Since those words came out of his mouth chaos has ensued. We have both said and done a lot of things wrong both before and after he dropped the bomb. He went from wanting a separation to wanting a divorce because I made things too complicated. He has moved in with "friends" from his squadron and I have moved back home to North Carolina and am currently staying with his parents. He has now sent me two pathetic excuses for a separation agreement. We've had some good days since he left, but now we barely communicate and if we do it's via text. He's become almost this shell of his former self, he barely talks to his friends and although he is now communicating with some of his family their conversations are hollow. I have done literally everything wrong until I got my coach last week. I did things I didn't think I could or would ever do, it's almost embarrassing. I am now the first person to admit that this time apart was something we both desperately needed. I needed a good reality check to get my head out of the books and where it needs to be. I know he still loves me, he will willingly admit that and even talk about how people get divorce and re-married to one another all the time. He says he's just not in love right now. Our lives are a little crazy, going graduate school put so much more strain on our relationship than it could handle right then. I know we can make this work and we got married for all of the right reasons. I know that so many of the problems started with me. I am working harder at changing myself and our relationship than I have worked for anything else in my life. Any advice on how to get him back on board is so very welcome as I need all of the support I can get!

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Hey Sticking, welcome to the forum! You've come to the right place for support and guidance.

First things first. Focus on yourself for the time being. Get good rest, eat well and exercise. This is important for sustaining you through the long haul that you have begun.

Give us a little more information about you and your H (i.e. ages, kids, etc.). This will help others who may find a connection that helps them to relate to your sitch.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, you should get yourself a copy and start reading. There are concepts in the book that will be important for you to understand and put into practice. I would also recommend you read as many posts on the forum as you can. Find a few that interest you and follow along in the posters journey. You will find that there is a lot of hard earned wisdom chronicled within the forum.

You will discover that the most you post, the more interest people will find in you and your sitch and then you will get the guidance you need.

Hang in there.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Sticking, hate that you have to be here but it's fortunate that you found it. 2TP gives some good guidance to get you started. This is not a sprint. It's a distance run and you need to prepare yourself.

2TP and I are dealing with our own limbos as well.

We all made the same mistakes at first. It's a natural and human reaction. If you haven't read the book, Divorce Remedy, do pick it up.

The good news is we can see our mistakes, learn from them and become better people. This is the journey you are on.

Since you're new it may take a while to see your posts. That's normal so be patient. You'll get lots of support and advice here. Take care,


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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Welcome and hang in for the long haul. Tells us what his complaints about you or the marriage were. Think about things that u heard him say. I used to counsel Navy personnel and I know how hard it is on military families. So hang in there there is hope still.

You must do fun things fore yourself ok. Take care and be kind to you. Post daily and often until u are no longer in moderation. Tells about yourselves. How long M children ages etc......


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thank you for all of your support and encouragement! I am 24 and my husband is 25. We have been together since the beginning of high school. We do not have any children, unless you count the 4-legged kind. A few months before he left he said he wanted to buy a house and have a baby, but I wasn't ready. We had no idea how long we would be at our current duty station and I couldn't fathom being pregnant on top of working 50+ hours a week and graduate school. I'm pretty sure at that point I wouldn't have even been able to get pregnant with the amount of stress that was in my life.

I have been feeling extra confused lately. Staying with his parents has been great, but I'm feeling like it's time to really start moving on. Sometimes I feel like I need to g get my own place and maybe even file for separation. I haven't discussed this with my DB coach yet, but maybe he just needs to feel like this is really happening. That I am moving on, not waiting for him to get it together. We haven't spent the night in the same house in almost 7 months. I deserve a husband, not someone who can walk away without really looking back. I guess deep down I know that he can't just walk away, that this haunts him as much as it does me even though he would never admit it. I feel like everything I do needs to be so calculated now because one wrong move and it could all be over. Then what?

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My husband started to hassle me again today about his "separation agreement." He sent me a sorry excuse for a contract about two weeks ago. Even if I wanted the divorce, I would absolutely never sign what he sent. I am working hard to follow my DB coach's advice and pretty much blow off the agreement. After trying to make small talk he tells me that because I have a job that he's set up the cell phone account so I can change my phone into my name. He was "so nice" as to not just cut my phone off without warning, so all I need to do is just pop into the store and put my phone in my name. Really?!?! He says he's trying to save money...well he should have thought about that BEFORE leaving, draining our savings account and generally flipping our lives upside down. He's in the military, he makes more money because we are married! I'm sorry the $40/month for my phone is too great a burden for him bear. I'm not doing anything; he ran away months ago without a care for me or how I was going to pay the bills on our home. My appointment with my coach isn't for a few days, if he does something before then I might flip out on him and take us back to square one. I hate all of this strategizing and walking on eggshells. It feels like every move I make is wrong, but things can't really get worse...can they?

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What a day and it's only 10:30 am! I have been traveling a lot for work, so I have been very tired (and I have a little bit of insomnia due to H being crazy for so long). I decided to come to the office a little late today so I could get some rest. When I woke up I had a nice little text from H demanding that I get my own phone plan by next Wed or he is just cutting my phone off. I don't appreciate his threats, especially since it's something so petty. I responded to him explaining I got his message and that what he sent me was not an appropriate contract. I do not have time for a lawyer to edit right now and I am just doing what we agreed to when I left (after he had already moved out and stopped contributing to our joint accounts). Obviously he didn't like what I had to say and kept trying to draw me into an argument. I stopped it right there and said that I'm sorry he feels this way, but I am at work and can't discuss this right now. To which he replied okay, well keep blowing me off.

I know I did a 180 by not getting into it with him. I am always the pursuer and always start a fight - he ends the fight by running away, which typically only makes me more angry. At this point, he can't force me into a divorce not until September in Virginia. He needs me to sign a separation agreement to be able to get out any time soon. I am not letting him just throw our marriage out like trash (not to mention the 8 years we were together before we got married including many times that I should have walked away...he was not exactly an overachiever on a path to a productive life). I know he's struggling right now and I am the easiest person to take it out on. But he's got to see that I'm also the only one who's always been there and believed he could do more and be better. If he would just take some time and talk to someone who is actually his friend, someone who has known him for years then he would realize that his behavior is completely ridiculous. He is crazy to leave our marriage, our problems are nebulous. Can you have a midlife crisis at 25? I'm pretty sure he's got something pretty intense going on in his head!

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After yesterday morning's drama with H, I had a great session with my DB coach. She is becoming very good at keeping me in check, especially after he upsets me. I was starting to get really down and ready to take some action. Cheryl reminded me how cheap talk is and that's all he's doing. He wants me to get upset and pull the trigger, but I am better than that and so is our marriage.

I am going up to visit this weekend, uninvited but it's good because normally I wait to be invited to do anything....especially with H. Cheryl helped me see that it doesn't matter if I see him or not, just being there is going to throw him off his game. I know I have to prove that I'm no longer crazy and mean, so every time he tries to pull one over I am just going to be calm and pleasant. Let him get upset, let him cut off the stupid cell phone, I am not taking his bait. Wish me luck being fabulous this weekend!

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Not surprisingly, H refused to see me this weekend on the basis that I cannot even respond to his emails (referring to the "separation agreement" he sent over a few weeks ago). I expected him to act this way, so I was able to handle myself. I spent time with our friends (well the people who used to be his friends)and had a nice weekend. This morning he resumed sending me messages about all of the bills he's paying. Saying I'm a big girl and don't need to be protected now that I have a job. Then asking me to just cooperate and not make him look like the bad guy. I responded calmly, telling him to do what he needs to do and I'm sorry he feels this way. This time he did not try to get me to argue, just accepted my response. He still hasn't cut off my phone and I know he's leaving for a work trip in the next few days. The unfortunate thing here is I'm not making him look any sort of way, he has done that pretty successfully without my help. I didn't choose to leave our marriage, he did without so much as the thought of trying to fix it. Yet he still can't manage to send me a real separation agreement or even be adult enough to pick up the phone and call. I have a feeling this could wind up a very interesting week!

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