Hi, We have been married 14 years, have 3 children, S 13, D 11 and S 9.
The PastAfter we had children my wife turned 100% of her attention to the children with little for me. My Wife Wants to Separate
Hi, We have been married 14 years, have 3 children, S 13, D 11 and S 9.
The PastAfter we had children my wife turned 100% of her attention to the children with little for me.
My wife and I have had seen a MC on and off over the past 5 years, she wasn't happy with our lack of communication and aggreement on a variety of subjects: parenting, money mgmt, in-laws, my lack of social skills, ability to always say the wrong thing, etc. It didn't see to be just me. She has a pattern of getting into fights and cutting people off. Since we have been married she has cut off contact with her two brothers, her mother, one of my brothers and my parents. Her parents divorced when she was young and she hasn't had any contact with her father since then. We also moved 5 years ago after she got into many fights with people and she didn't feel the town was right for her.
She has excuses for most of the personal issues she experienced including with her mother 10 years ago when we got a visit by the state social services after my MIL's minister reported his converstation with MIL to Dept of social services. The case was closed without any finding of abuse.
I tried to help the family issues by cutting off contact with my parents and supporting her in cutting off her mother but family means a lot to me so I did reconnect with both my parents. I also brought our children out to see her mother because of the kids. This was a big mistake because it resulted in my wife feeling that "yet again, I didn't support her".
She is mostly a very good mother except when she gets angry and starts yelling. My oldest son seems to get the brunt of it. I suspect it's because he's very similar in traits to me (non-social, critical of others, not considerate of others and lacking empathy) and those are the same things that she dislikes in me. There have been atleast 4 or 5 times in the past year that my son has told me that his mother hates him.
She started threating separation and divorce 4 years ago. She wanted me to leave but was so upset she was going to leave. We did go to another two MCs with little success. Both of our parents divorced when we were about 10yo and I didn't want my kids to experience that either. W on the other hand is convinced that D is the best thing for the kids since they see us "fighting" now. Actually all they see is her being distant/cold to me and either me or W sleeping on couch.
In the past year she went to IC and got her problems figured out. She felt it was my turn to go to IC, and change myself. I didn't move fast enough. I did get anti-depression meds but no IC.
The Present Last Sunday we had a problem where my S13 had minor frostbite on his finger because I made the mistake of treating his sprained hand (baseball injury) by wrapping an ice pack to his hand with an ACE bandage. It was painful for him most of this week but it looks like there is no permanent damage. I was so upset about causing injury to my child. I couldn't believe what I had done. I'm not sure why I didn't listen to him when he said it hurt with the ice on it.
On Tuesday my wife said that she was thru and wanted me to move out. I didn't say yes or no. I asked her for a final chance to save our M while I stayed here. Big mistake in DB'ing as I now know.
By Thursday she was angrier still and said she was going to contact a lawyer to get me thrown out of the house. Friday after talking to the lawyer she learned she couldn't get a restraining order against me. She asked me to move out again and felt that I was forcing my choice (staying in the house and working MA) on her. I calmy told her that I didn't want to move out and since she was so unhappy that she should move out. Talking to some people convinced me that leaving would damage my chances at joint custody, not 100% sure about that. After I stopped saying my part she said that I was a despicable person and that I don't have the kids best interest in mind and that there was no way that we would ever get back together again. Afer a couple of minutes of listening to her insult me I said we should stop now and talk again Saturday. I was very calm about it.
Well, today she says that since I won't move out she is going to get an apt rental (2 or 3 bdrm) big enough for her to take the kids. She has visited several apts and want to sign a 1 year lease. She feels that she can legally take the kids. Not sure if that's the case in MA. She wants to move out for Nov 1st, she can't take the stress of living here.
While I was out today she told the two older children that she was looking for a new place for the 4 of them to live and took them to look at apts.
After youngest son and I got back from soccer game my W proceeded to tell youngest son that we are splitting up.
Needless to say I was mad that she couldn't control her emotions and wait for us to talk the children together. Given my W's lack of self control I wasn't suprised that she would do it. I stayed calm and didn't tell her what I really thought.
QuestionsAfter the fight she said she had wanted us to get one small apt so we could each take turns moving out. That would be a temporary situation (1year or less) while we tried to work things out. Now she said that the offer is off the table and her moving out (with kids) is going to be permanent solution.
Does having one apt and taking turns even seem realistic to anyone? Should I try to get her to do that in the best interests of the kids?
On the other hand her moving out with kids doesn't seem feasible either. Paying for a small apt will be hard enough, paying for a large is harder. Over the years my wife has gotten 3 dogs and one bird. (When we aren't cleaning up after the kids we are cleaning up after the animals.)
On the other hand me trying to keep custody doesn't seem to make sense either She works part-time and is home 100% of the time when the kids are out of school. My job requires a 40-60 minute commute and 40 to 50 hours a week.
Should I agree to move out and get an apt?
I did tell her today after our arguments that we should do what's best for the kids, I would focus on working on the separation and not mention any future possiblities of reconcilement. Did I say too much?
How should I be acting if she wants me to move out and I don't want to?
me 44 W 42 Married 1995 S13, D11, S9
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
I guess I'll start posting here since my other post was deleted.
After the blowup in October I told my wife that since she wanted a divorce and to separate that she should move out. I guess standing up to her did help. She agreed that we should both stay in the house but she is not wanting to work on our M.
So now I'm sleeping another bedroom and working on my 180. She has noticed but doesn't care. Yesterday she said she is staying together for the kids but once they are all in High School, 4 or 5 years from now, she is leaving.
So I have some time to work on my 180.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
W decided she couldn't stay here any more because she is depressed and trapped in the basement (She moved us to the basement last year so D11 could move into master bedroom and S9 could move into a larger bedrooms. Typical of her sacraficing everything for the kids but making herself miserable at the same time.) I'm living separately in the 4th bedroom upstairs since our in home separation started.
She is "trapped" in the basement because I'm upstairs with the kids in the evening.
She threatened to move out with the 3 kids and leave me with the house, 3 dogs, bird and fish tank since I won't move out.
I started to think by not letting her go or having me move out I'm forcing her away. Is part of a 180 moving out and giving here what she wants?
We are going to MC tomorrow so hopefully having a professional between us will help.
I started thinking about how moving out and not having to deal with her crazy logic would be nice. I think i'm giving up now.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
I am going into a meeting in a few, but I at least wanted to acknowledge your thread. I will catch up on your sitch later on.
My first question is do you have a copy of DR? If not go get one ASAP!
You came to the right place; just sorry you are here with the rest of us. You will find great support and help here.
Hang in and I will check in later.
ZEN
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Zen Thanks for the reply. I have DR and DB but I haven't been very good at applying them to this point. I have learned the importance of listening, not pursuing and GAL.
Our MC went well given the extremely poor state of our M. The C identified that we need to figure out if we are trying to improve our relationship so we can be better when separated or if we were going to improve so we can stay together.
W agreed to go back next week to figure out which one it is. Small victory given that W felt strongly that we were finished. Now the real hard work starts.
I made a date with W for Sat. to work on a combined budget, not the separated two homes kind.
I must make the most of this last chance we have.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
Sorry for the delayed response but I just had some time now to catch up on your sitch.
Your W is all over the place with her emotions. It appears to me based on what you wrote that she has some anger management issues. Has she individually or you both together have spoken to a medical professional about this? Has she ever been diagnosed with depression?
In terms of who should move out, since you seem to be the more stable parent at the moment and your children need to come first, if you moved out how would that effect the kids in terms of school? And, same question applies to if she moved out? I think that should be your focus on how to make this situation best for your children. Have you spoken to a L? If not you should ASAP; just for a consult because it sounds like she is trying to use your children in a very negative way.
If she was/is having issues with her own family and your not having issues with your own family, why would you cut off ties with them? I don't mean to come across as insensative, but she sounds very manipulative. If she has problems within her own family, she needs to really try and work thru them with a C. If she is not willing, then she needs to let them go because the past is the past. It's not going to change and harboring resentment is just so counterproductive on so many levels. Look at how its effecting your M and her life.
I'm glad the MC session seemed to go pretty well under the curcimstances, but I strongly suggest that you somehow get her to agree to get some kind of medical help for herself. Be supportive and put a positive spin on it.
My heart goes out to you and keep DB'g. It sounds like you are able to apply certain metods from the book so that's good. It will help you become stronger.
Sending you positive vibes DF...keep posting; I will follow your story!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Hello DF, So sorry you find yourself here, but you came to a good place. Post often, read other threads for ideas. Your posts will be slow to appear at first. This is a moderated board.
Validate what your W says to you. Apologize for the feelings caused. It is very difficult to continue to be angry with someone who is agreeing with you.
Detach so you can distance yourself from the anger and hurt. If you can project calm, loving, happy, the anger and tension will all be Ws. She may calm down also; at least you won’t be escalating the tension by remaining calm.
You are ahead of my sitch. My long term goal is to begin MC. I have many small steps remaining to get there.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My W isn't open to resuming IC. She did go to one about a year ago for 4 months and feels she has resolved her issues.
W has gone to look at apartments this weekend for her and the kids to move into. I acknowledge that she is looking but I'm not about to go out and help her.
I do need to consult with a L. I need to stop procrastinating (one of my bad traits) and find out what she can/can't do.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
W is so depressed and upset with me that she has to get away from me. Since I have refused to leave W looked at apartments today for her and the kids. She liked one enough to think she could put herself and 3 kids in a small 2 bedroom. She is so stubborn that she would go thru with this no matter how badly it hurts the children. When she came home to fill out the application I told her that it wasn't in the best interest of the children for them to move so I would move out.
On the positive side, her main compliant is that I don't listen to her so now atleast I've listened to her.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
