Its hard to believe its been 9 months since the bomb. I don't know how much easier I could say this has become, but I definitely think I'm in a better place. Time has a way of clarifying things, and with sufficient time this too shall pass. I'm looking forward to the day I can feel like this is behind me.
9 months later I'm stronger, more accepting and more focused. I still find myself on the crazy train from time to time, but even those episodes get a little easier. I've learned a LOT about myself, a LOT about my friends, and even more about what I want my life to be in the future.
I know there is a higher purpose to this- my goal right now is to find out what that is! I thank God every day for the many blessings I do have in my life. Without my faith, I would have never made it this far.
Not sure what to think about the latest turn of events. H and I got into it about an event for D, and he told me he was cutting me off from all money. I have since talked to a couple of L's but no good feeling about any of the ones I've interviewed yet, and now I am literally flat broke with no money to pay for anything. H texted today and said he had a change of heart about the money and will start paying again.
Not so sure I want him back at this point. He has shown some serious character flaws that are both scary and frankly, not normal. I didn't have a chance to talk to him tonight because he was off to party with friends, so I guess we'll see. I don't see this being a big turnaround- I think its more likely he got some legal advice that said don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Tonight I can't say how I'm feeling. Scared, lonely, tired and like I told a friend, stuck. Thank God for the good friends and family I've had to pull me through this. Don't know what I'd do without them.
Glad you are in a better place mentally. This is so hard and having a little one to look after makes it even more challenging. You are doing a great job of holding it together for your D, while your H goes off partying.
Was there an event that triggered the bomb for your H?
((()))
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Not sure what to think about the latest turn of events. H and I got into it about an event for D, and he told me he was cutting me off from all money. I have since talked to a couple of L's but no good feeling about any of the ones I've interviewed yet, and now I am literally flat broke with no money to pay for anything. H texted today and said he had a change of heart about the money and will start paying again.
How frustrating.. and perhaps illegal? When you interviewed your L's.. what did they say about your H holding money from you?
What's your support system like? Are there family members or your church that you can reach out to financially?
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Not so sure I want him back at this point. He has shown some serious character flaws that are both scary and frankly, not normal. I didn't have a chance to talk to him tonight because he was off to party with friends, so I guess we'll see. I don't see this being a big turnaround- I think its more likely he got some legal advice that said don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
I can totally relate to this. Sometimes I want to talk to W so bad about some of the crazy stuff she does.
As if the answer will make a difference.
The truth is that your H is going to do what HE feels best. He does not care about you in this moment in time.
I'm sorry if that is hurtful, but you need to talk less and do MORE.
It's not about talking to your H, it's about taking the steps to take care of yourself. It's about protecting yourself now.
How are you going to doing that? What's your gameplan?
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Tonight I can't say how I'm feeling. Scared, lonely, tired and like I told a friend, stuck. Thank God for the good friends and family I've had to pull me through this. Don't know what I'd do without them.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you all so much...I'll try to address all the questions.
Bklnmom- the original bomb was due to a big fight that ended up with me getting roughed up some. I moved out with the understanding he was going to get help, then he decided he didn't want me to move back. Thank you for your kindness and input!
SIAS- My GALing right now is pretty tough, since I have literally no money. As far as what has been successful, not much really. The only thing that has generated any real response is going dim/dark. That's what I'm doing right now. Thanks for following my sitch!
JB- you are the best, really. You are an inspiration and a rock in all this mess.
Val- thank you, I had to take a break for a while, but I'm glad to be back!
Sadly, when I told the L's that he wasn't giving me any money there isn't much you can do. The courts here are backed up, so even an 'emergency' hearing would take months, and nothing would happen to him except he'd have to pay it all back. That's great, but doesn't help me in the interim. I do have family that has already said they would help, but UGH!! I hate that, but I will do what I have to do.
You are correct, he doesn't care about me right now. Actions speak louder than any words he can say. I do have a game plan, including making sure I have my legal ducks in a row and nailing down one to use. I am quickly approaching a crossroad, its just really scary to try and figure out which way to go.
Thank you all so much for your input, the questions and comments help me focus. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water and going absolutely no where. I need to get up and get going, and figure out what life is going to look like in the future. I think I am just overwhelmed, this is not how life was supposed to be, ya know? But it is, and now we deal with it.
Now that I'm back I'm trying to get caught back up with everyone here, but I do pray for the people on this MB everyday!
H has done a complete 180. I spent the better part of last week looking out the window for the process server, interviewing L's, etc. I also went as dark as possible.
Apparently H didn't like it.
He had a sudden change of heart about the money, no idea why. Then he kept asking to meet me, saying he would bring me a check. I asked him to mail it. He was oddly trying to engage me, sending random texts. I took my sweet time replying and kept everything business.
A couple of days ago I got a lengthy text about things, and he ended up calling me and we talked for quite a while. He still questions my changes and how they would impact our marriage. I told him again that the changes I have made are not for him, they're for me. I can't possibly tell him how they would impact our marriage, when I don't see him and rarely speak to him. I also reiterated that unless he also gets to a point where he knows and understands the changes he needs to make as well it'll never work.
Not that I'm negating my own responsibilities, but I have reached a point where I won't/can't go back to the relationship we had. I don't think he has quite reached the point where he is willing to put in the time and effort to make this work yet. He has done this to me before, only to change his mind as soon as I gave in to it.
I have spent way too much time achieving this state of mind to allow myself to buy what he's selling right now.
Yesterday we met to exchange D. He was acting all melancholy and tells me he wants to talk to me, but won't say why. I asked him if I was going to get served, and he said 'so you really think I'm an a-hole don't you (yeah, I refrained, but I was thinkin' it!).
No clue where this is going. Trying not to get caught up in it, but I am flabbergasted on how dramatically things have changed in a matter of days...
H is still on pretty much the same deal as the last time I posted, and I am still dim/dark.
After D's soccer the other night we talked briefly, and was looking at me so strangely it actually made me uncomfortable. I asked him why he was looking at me like that, and he stammered something about wanting to lean down and kiss and hug me.
Then he said he was still 'on the fence'. That completely shut me down.
He asked me if I felt differently, and I could barely answer before he said he knew I did, because I was looking at him differently. He asked if we were still going to meet to talk, but I told him if nothing was different with him there was no point.
I did talk to him later when D went to bed, and he still wanted to meet because there was some paperwork he needed me to sign. We agreed to meet Thursday while D was in school.
On V day I got a text that afternoon, and he asked if D and I could meet him for an early dinner. I told him we could and to make sure he brought the paperwork. He brought me flowers and a card that said he still loved me and always would (oddly this was more than he did last year and we were still together then!).
He tried to kiss me when I left, but I turned my head. I just can't go there until I know he is actually willing to work on our marriage- no more cake eating. I can't do it. He made up a totally bogus reason to call me in the car after I drove off, and said he meant what he said in the card. All I could say was, I just don't know where your head is right now.
He is definitely somewhat pursuing me, but it just feels like he's lonely, and has a mild case of 'I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her, either'. He keeps make comments about me talking to male friends, and I know he's regularly checking my phone records.
Its crazy how I've changed. A few months ago I would have been elated for him to pursue me like this. Right now, its almost annoying. I feel like I'm almost one of those LBS that becomes the WAS. Not that I wouldn't still want to save my marriage if I thought this was genuine change for him, but I know that's not what it is, at least not yet.
H requested to meet me to talk this morning. We met and talked some, argued some, cried some. I found out he has been checking my phone records even more extensively than I realized. He also said he was afraid to lose me, and he still loves me.
While I am very happy he actually seems to want to work on things, I have to admit I am still very hesitant and nervous. I hate feeling this way, but this is such a sudden, dramatic turnaround it doesn't feel real. Is this normal?!
I think part of my fear is that H isn't 'there' yet. He was still playing the blame game when we talked, and he still struggles with taking responsibility. Is this something that will come later, or should I expect more now?
I've been doing this for so long, I am utterly confused on what to do next. Any thoughts and/or advice would be greatly appreciated.
