Then I realised that it was my story. The sad thing is that I am now 5 years on and the story has not changed. The original co-worker is married with twins and there is a new married co-worker on the scene. On a good day I can cope and just put this down to my husband's need for female friends and I know that he loves me even if the passion has waned. On a bad day I wonder if we are living a lie, if he is only staying because he feels he has to. I want a relationship with the intimacy, passion and commitment that I associate with marriage.
Anyone else been in this situation?
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
I read your new and old posts and I can sort of relate. My husband is a physician and both times he left I found out he was dating nurses with whom he worked who were 10 and 14 years younger than I. I believe my situation is different though because my husband physically left saying he needs freedom and doesn't want to be married. In your case your husband is still there with you. Whether or not your husband is having a full affair it sounds like he enjoys attention from his lady colleagues. Your husband probably does love you and loves the outside attention as well. You didn't mention anything about divorce, so it sounds like a question of whether you can continue to tolerate that behavior? Choosing to end your marriage is like trading one set of problems for another. It sounds like you're wise to seek input and consider it from all angles. Does your husband still say he loves you? Does he take you out on dates? Do you two have hobbies together and talk together at the end of the day? If your marriage is functioning well then it may not be worth ending. I hope you get more responses this time!
I was so excited when I saw that I had a reply and from someone who might be able to relate, but then was sorry to hear your situation. I hope things are better with you. I will check out your posts.
You are spot on- my husband claims to never think about divorce when we have discussed other peoples situations abstractly, whilst it has crossed my mind!. I really don't believe that he is looking for a PA but enjoys the attention of these younger (20-30s- he is late 50s) talented young women. He says he loves me, not in words often, but in his own way; flowers, dates, does things for me, thanks me, compliments me but very little physical apart from twice daily kiss! That I think is him- he is not very physical with our children. However I found a note to the co-worker (perhaps never actually sent) that listed 6 things : laughs, brains, heart, eyes, hair, touch- I think in that order as part of a sort of word search. The 'touch' particularly upset me as he really never touches nor holds hands, and only ocassionally hugs (me or the children).
I am working on bringing some more intimacy- not so much physical- but emotional, back into our relationship. Taking more time to listen to him and do things together that he cares about, back him up more when he takes on one of our teenagers, even though I think he is sometimes very harsh and angry with them.
As I write this I realise I have come on a long way over the last 5 years. I took Michelle's advice to GAL and not rely on other people for my own happiness. In a strange way I wouldn't have changed what happened. Compared to 5 years ago, it is definitely a better atmosphere- and if I hadn't found little clues of his affection for his current co-worker around- not snooping just came across hiding place by accident- I would be oblivious!! What really hurt 5 years ago was how distant he seemed, and even when I was clearly upset by what I saw as an EA he did not see a problem with him, more with my interpretation. Now that is not the case, I think he is back as he always was- but a bit more prone to shouting- although even that is getting better!
However, we did have one awful scene a week ago in which my husband shouted to my daughter (17) that he needed her phone as he had accidently sent her an audio message. He went almost hysterical until she unlocked it and then he grabbed the phone from her and deleted the message. It is that secrecy that really upsets me. If there is something so intimate he doesn't want us to hear/ see then perhaps (if he really cared about us) he would refrain from doing it. And he has gone to the bathroom when we were on holiday at a restaurant and accidentally sent a very innocuous text about the holiday to me, that was meant for his co-worker, by mistake.
How does one ever know if ones husband is staying just for an easier life? I don't think if I am being a push-over who does not want to face the truth, but I have decided to trust him and my marriage and believe that we can make it better and stronger and have a happier and less angry home.
One really big question I have, and would love anyones thoughts, is whether what I describe is just part of the spectrum of normal married life? perhaps I should relax a bit. May be all the 'perfect' marriages I see each has their own worm. It is perhaps natural that people will always have crushes on co-workers that ebb and flow and friendships that seem very close but do have defined boundaries if you are in them! This time round doesn't bother me nearly so much as he is still so loving to me- and I suspect he has had female friends all our married lives- we just didn't have mobile phones in the beginning so much less room for error! Am I just looking for trouble......?? That is certainly what my husband would say.
Thanks for reading this ramble if you have got this far.
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The sad thing is that I am now 5 years on and the story has not changed. The original co-worker is married with twins and there is a new married co-worker on the scene.
In reading your old thread it sounds like your H was in an EA (emotional affair) that never went physical. Do you think he's in an EA with this new co-worker? I suspect he doesn't see the harm in an EA even though it's wrecking your marriage. I suspect when you confronted him before he went deeper undercover with his activities. He may have a burner phone he uses to keep his regular phone "clean" in case you snoop on it. People involved in affairs can be very, very devious.
Quote:
On a good day I can cope and just put this down to my husband's need for female friends and I know that he loves me even if the passion has waned. On a bad day I wonder if we are living a lie, if he is only staying because he feels he has to. I want a relationship with the intimacy, passion and commitment that I associate with marriage.
Unfortunately you ARE living a lie. The reason you feel like something is missing is because it IS missing. This has gone on a long time, I think you need to ask yourself if you want it to continue another 5 years. If not, then my suggestion would be to tell him to pack up and get out. The wake-up call may snap him out of it, but regardless, you deserve BETTER whether it's from him or from someone else.
I absolutely hear what you are saying and your advice was a wake-up call for me! However, I believe that I am just a breath away from the perfect marriage with the perfect husband and I want to try to understand how I can best nurture our relationship- seeing clearly (more so than ever before) that I haven't been. It is this desire that drove me, by chance, back here.
I find it sobering that so many people wish they had laid down the gauntlet years before rather than stuggling on. I hope I won't be one of those in 5 years time!
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
