BD (ILYBINILWY) in April, 2017. Did all the wrong things for a month, then started DB'ing - pretty poorly TBH - for another month. STBXW said she wanted to D on 7-13, and her L filed 4 days later. I got a L soon after. We've told the kids (the worst experience of my life), she's moved out of the MBR, but is still living in the same house. Both L's are talking and mediation is going to be scheduled soon.
I've realized I've been letting STBXW call all the shots in our MR, and now even in the D process she's trying to call the shots. I've also realized I reacted from a place of pain for much of this process. My new goal is take a more active role in all this mess, protect my boys, respond instead of reacting, do what I want when I want, and no longer give my STBXW any head space.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/17/1712:37 AM.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
This weekend the boys were out of town on a camping trip, so it was just me and STBXW at the house. What fun!
From reading Clyde's thread and a book I have on splitting from someone with BPD and NPD, I've started to mentally prepare myself for some bad sh1t. I have a feeling there may be a bogus restraining order at some point in the future, so I have a bag packed and ready to go if the cops show up.
I've been talking offline with JoeJoe (awesome dude - we met IRL), and he pointed out that maybe I never really apologized to STBXW for the whole "3rd child issue" ( link for description). Sure, I said I was sorry for what I did (and I am), but JoeJoe wisely pointed out I apologized for my action, not her pain. So I set out to find a way to do so this weekend.
On Saturday morning we talked for about an hour and a half. It was mostly about STBXW's impatience that this D is taking so long. She said she's a prisoner in this M and our house. I reminded her that she's free to leave. She disagreed, since I wouldn't sign her waiver for buying a new house. I can see how entitled and self-centered she is.
At a two different points I ended the conversation and walked out the room, because she kept slipping in accusations and snide comments. Both times, she followed me into the MBR, apologized, and asked me to continue the convo.
I don't remember everything we said, but at one point there was a lull in the convo, so I figured it was time to try out my apology. I spit out "I'm sorry I robbed you of a daughter," mirroring her exact words from BD back to her. She was looking at something when I said it, and she pursed her lips for a second and said, "well, it's too late for me to have kids now. I even asked you if you wanted to adopt and you said no."
Then she tried to get me to apologize for accusing her of cheating, and for "hacking" her phone. It made me wonder if she's actually going to try to use my apologies against me - Doodler, you may be right! I didn't take the bait, just saying I didn't want to discuss it.
She spent a while talking about how she never cheated, and was only talking to friends for support. It's funny she mentioned several people by name, but suspected OM's name never came up.
I also figured I'd directly address her question from a week ago, where she asked why I often leave the room when she was home. I told her I did it because sometimes I didn't want to be around her. I said seeing her was a painful reminder of who she used to be, and it was a slap in the face to see the new her. I told her I was hurting, and I was hurting for my boys. As much as I tried to fight it, I started to get teary eyed.
She said she hasn't changed; she's still the same person. She said I don't see her when she's alone in her room or at work. I agreed, then asked how I would know if I never see any emotion from her. She said she needs to be strong, because otherwise her emotions would make her stay for the kids.
She wrapped up the convo by asking me to talk to my L about moving things along. I said I already did that. I put on some shoes and told her I was getting some lunch. I left.
Part 2 next
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
For the rest of the day, I kept myself busy with things I wanted to do. I got lunch at this great place that has 50 beers on tap. I texted a friend to see if he wanted to stop by and join me, but he wasn't able to. So I just hung out by myself.
I went back home and changed into some workout clothes. STBXW wasn't there. I hit the YMCA for about an hour and a half, and went back home to shower. I hung out for a long time at home, and she never showed up (not that I was waiting for her). Eventually I left to see a late movie by myself.
Right as the movie was about to start, STBXW texted me to ask if I was coming home that night. I thought about whether to respond for a moment, then just replied with "yes." I put my phone on silent and enjoyed the movie. I HIGHLY recommend Blade Runner 2049!
Anyway, by the time the movie was over, it was well after midnight. When I turned on my phone, I saw STBXW had texted me 6 times and called me twice! She said she wanted to know if I was okay and not dead on the side of the road somewhere. I texted back that I was ok. When I got home, she seemed mad and said she was worried about me since I'm usually not out so late. I thanked her for her concern and went to bed.
The next morning we both went to church, but we took separate cars and sat apart. When we got back home, she said she didn't appreciate me ignoring her the night before. She was worried since I seemed to be pretty upset during our convo from earlier that day. She said it's in her nature to care about people, but she's not going to bother caring about me any more. I just said ok. She left. She really likes to deliver these monologues.
I actually went back to church and talked to the deacon for an hour about my struggles. He helped me deal with my guilty feelings about letting my boys down, and reminded me to not take on all the responsibility. He continues to say STBXW's actions don't seem to make any sense. I think he suspects OM. He gave me his personal cell number in case I need to call.
STBXW left town yesterday for a work trip and is coming back tomorrow. So I get a brief break from in-house separation hell.
JoeJoe reminded me that when someone who's used to being in control starts to lose that control, they act in unpredictable and wild ways. And the dude is right. I didn't know what to make of STBXW's frantic texts at first, but she is losing control of me and obviously doesn't like it.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/17/1712:39 AM.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
