Hello everyone, I am a newbie. I am on my way to get the DR book from the library. I have been reading these forums the last couple of days and I have a question for all you.
How do you past the betrayal of being cheated on? I am really struggling. I have triggers and flash backs and I become angry all over again. My therapist says this is normal. But it really bothers my husband when it happens. He would rather us just "move on".
When it happened, the state of our marriage was not good. We were both to blame for the problems in the marriage... But I didn't choose that route! To make matters worse, our MC said that my husband probably did this out of retaliation. "He was not in love, and as soon as she served her purpose (hurting me) she was no longer needed." And it was over just like that. My husband admits he took things way to far. And now here I am trying to pick up the pieces. My husband doesn't like discussing it because it reminds him of the awful choice he made. Given then state of our marriage at the time he actually comes off as though his actions were justified....and this really just rubs salt in my wounds. I just don't think he gets it. I feel constantly invalidated.
I don't want to come off as the victim here. I have my faults, and I'm working on them. I just don't know if I can do this. My father was a repeat cheater, and I sat and watched my mom suffer for years! She had 3 kids to look after and couldn't make enough to support us all. I feel like in a way, my father knew that and behaved as such. I swore to myself my marriage was going to be different, and yet here I am...
So I am all ears... Do I put on my big girl panties??? Do I focus on what's broken in me?? How do you heal when the other person doesn't even really seem sorry?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you have to be here, but this is a good place to be with a lot of helpful people.
I was cheated on by my wife so I understand the pain. It is difficult to get past but it can be done to some degree.
I don't know if anyone ever totally gets past it. I didn't. But I did get to the point where it rarely affected me the way it does in the days, weeks, and months right after you find out.
I was able to be open to my W again. Things still didn't work out, but it wasn't because I wasn't able to; it was because she wasn't willing to.
We went to MC (ultimately failed) and I have gone to IC to deal with it. I made a lot of progress on my own but in the end your H and you will need to work out together what you need to do to deal with it constructively and move forward together. I would think that would be very, very difficult without a mutual commitment from both of you, and the help of a MC who has experience helping people through this successfully.
"How do you past the betrayal of being cheated on?"
By making the decision to not let it define you.
"I am really struggling. I have triggers and flash backs and I become angry all over again. My therapist says this is normal."
It is.
"But it really bothers my husband when it happens. He would rather us just "move on". "
Okay, so what do you want him to do to not let it bother you? Would you rather he be stoned or you be allowed to beat him, or tell all your family and friends what a pathetic loser he is, etc.? What would make you feel better?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I guess I would want him to find out why he made that specific choice? I feel like for most of out marriage, it's been games, power struggles, withdraws, silent treatments and punishments. I've read a little about what you all refer to as dropping the rope. Which I believe I have tried in the past. But then I get accused of shutting him out.
There are so many double standards in this marriage and I am quite unhappy. He is allowed to just disappear, all day, with zero explaination or even a "hey, I'll be back at 6". I've told him these things destroy trust when I desperately need it be built back up. But it falls a deaf ears and just keeps happening.
I have rambled, but I need him to take ownership and build trust! He rarely thinks about my feelings. He just recently said that he doesn't feel "special anymore". I just don't understand. If I were the one who cheated, I would feel fearful of losing my husband, I would be trying to listen and make him feel like fixing these mistakes is all I want. I would say I was a fool and I want this marriage more than anything! I would make sure I was transparent. I would ask what he needs!
"I guess I would want him to find out why he made that specific choice?"
Have you asked him? Have the two of you gotten marriage counseling or therapy?
"I feel like for most of out marriage, it's been games, power struggles, withdraws, silent treatments and punishments. I've read a little about what you all refer to as dropping the rope. Which I believe I have tried in the past. But then I get accused of shutting him out."
That's not what dropping the rope means.
"There are so many double standards in this marriage and I am quite unhappy. He is allowed to just disappear, all day, with zero explaination or even a "hey, I'll be back at 6". I've told him these things destroy trust when I desperately need it be built back up. But it falls a deaf ears and just keeps happening."
He is allowed to do that because you "allow" him to get away with it. What are the consequences if he does that? What are your boundaries? For example, you can tell him that if he goes out without telling you, he will be sleeping on the couch for a week.
"I have rambled, but I need him to take ownership and build trust! He rarely thinks about my feelings. He just recently said that he doesn't feel "special anymore". I just don't understand."
Did you ask him so you could understand?
"If I were the one who cheated, I would feel fearful of losing my husband, I would be trying to listen and make him feel like fixing these mistakes is all I want. I would say I was a fool and I want this marriage more than anything! I would make sure I was transparent. I would ask what he needs! "
That's what a rational person would do. But it seems like the two of you just swept things under the rug. That's why a counselor is critical for you now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Again, I want to say thank you Mr Bond for taking the time to respond.
1. We have gone to marriage counseling. And he concluded that he was "picked on". and at the end of it all, the counseling sent me an emailing saying "your husband is unwilling to make the changes you need him to make".
2. I liked your suggestion of "if leave without telling me, he sleeps on the couch for a week". Oh how I wish it were that easy. There would be a retaliation/punishment on his part guaranteed. That's how the cheating happened. It was him escalating.
3. What I meant about the me not understanding, is that I feel like he still so self involved. Wouldn't it make more sense for me to say something like that?
4. I see an IC and it helps. My husband asked me to go for a walk on Saturday and he mentioned us going back to see the MC. I supposed I should have asked when he made the appointment for?
Thanks again. I am reading the links that were sent to me. So much to learn. So much to change.
It's interesting that you just mentioned boundaries because I was just reading about it on this forum.
I have had similar issues with my M-I-L. She was incredibly disrespectful to me as a wife/mother/homemaker. It got to the point where I would ask her to stop, and she would for a little while, then she would start in again. It got to the point that I couldn't tolerate visits anymore and just decided to cease all contact with her. She escalated and tried to commit suicide. She told my husband that I was the reason she almost died. Then she called my mother to tell her the same thing.
I know that none of that was my responsibility, but I can see where my husband has learned this behavior.
I know I need to set boundaries. But I have also read about not trying to control the other person's behavior. I will work on this but I have yet to find that balance. What do I do if I try to set a boundary, and the other person just escalates?
