Thought I'd start a new thread before I got locked. Not a lot new CV, thanks for asking.
After the last weekend plus of not communicating I texted her on monday. This was after more texts, a few phone calls and so on that I did not return. She eventually texted "Please don't cut off my communication with S because you are angry with me. It's not good for anyone except maybe you". I didn't respond.
Finally after another unanswered call in the morning I texted to say I wasn't angry, just upset by some things she said to/about me in her e-mails. We started a dialogue and have been cordial this past week.
S had his spring concert yesterday at the tender age of two. Took the day off to attend....w took a half day. Prior to the event she asked me if I would take video for her. I never really said "yes", just that I take pictures/video of "everything" these days. We sat together at the event and seemingly got along, though initially It felt as though she was a bit tense. We both beamed with pride when our little guy was up with his class singing. It was awesome.
It was an odd bitter-sweet moment. Out little boy that we struggled so hard to bring into this world was showing signs of his own growth, his own independence. My head fast-forwarded to graduations and other events. I felt happy and pride for him, but sad at the prospect that he might be doing all of it between two homes....two parents.
Funny, but when we were sitting in the audience we struck up conversation with another parent in S's class. W and the mother of the other little boy realized they worked in the same field but different school districts. The lady asked if w lived "up here" meaning the end of town where I live with son and his school is located. W said "yes". She actually lives 20 minutes south of the place since she moved out - so she just decided to lie to the woman. Sure, she was probably embarrassed to say "no, we're separated" and make the moment awkward - but still, I found it odd. No matter.
I am going my best to maintain distance still - to the extent that I can with S in the middle. I still miss hi tremendously when he is gone. And, I am sad to admit ,I still miss my wife a lot, too. But I am trying to keep myself busy.
I have gone back and forth on whether or not to attempt dating. It's about a 50/50 split when I talk to friends. Some say it would be a good thing to do, while others say if you still have feelings for your wife and want to work on R - do not do it at all. One the one hand, I see that point crystal clear. On the other, part of me just wants to do my best to forget about her and I miss going out on dates, affection - etcetera. Sure, there is no one on this Earth that I would rather being doing that with than my W, but sometimes I get caught up in pining for her, for my family, and wonder if I just need to "find someone else that wants to have a family" like she said in her e-mail after the settlement hearing. It's been almost 9 months since she dropped the bomb. If I still have feelings for her, which I do - is it too soon to just get back out there and try? Is that part of "dropping the rope"?
"Be ready to exercise more patience that you ever thought possible" - is pretty much reiterated in the book and on these boards a lot. I am finding that to be insanely true. I know that we are in a better space than when the bomb dropped, but I had hoped that after this many months we would be "piecing" or at least better than where we currently are. Again - more patience than I ever thought possible.
I have moments of strength and moments of weakness. Somedays it is like day one all over again and I finding myself depressed in bed saying "you can do this" over and over again just to muster the strength to deal with what may or may not be another emotional day. Some mornings I still get sick to my stomach. Not good - but it is a LOT better than it was.
I know I am painting a less-than-positive picture here, but I am doing OK.
Spent some time today going back over a topic that keeps coming up with regard to my situation. Postpartum Depression.
I found a resource for men who have spouses or gf's going through it and what they describe fits my situation to a T. It is both comforting and alarming.
Has anyone ever looked at the WAW in the context of PPD? Anyone have any personal experience?
I am NOT shifting blame or focus - I completely own my parts and have for quote awhile. Some of this just hits home pretty hard. Found the following factors that contribute to PPD.
•previous history of depression or anxiety - CHECK! •family history of mental illness - CHECK! •previous postpartum depression •antenatal depression •infertility treatment - FREAKING GIGANTIC CHECK!!!!! •previous miscarriage or stillbirth •lack of partner support - CHECK! •domestic violence •recent trauma (death in the family, house move (CHECK!), job loss (CHECK X2!) etc.) •childhood trauma Emotional? CHECK!! •poverty or financial problems •teenaged mothers •lack of social support •diabetes •teenaged mothers •older, first-time mothers CHECK!! •mothers of multiples •difficult pregnancies (best rest, hyperemesis) •babies born with health problems, babies in NICU
Early on, when I hinted at this particular topic, she became quite angry. Even worse, I reached out to her OB/GYN - that was a big mistake.
Thing is, I DO think that this is at least somewhat a factor in my sitch - if not a major one. Notwithstanding, she does not see it at all - though others have. She has been on antidepressants since we've met and recently pulled the plug on them - that's not going to help.
Nothing I can do here - was just looking for thoughts.
Personally I have no experience with PPD (oddly enough) although I do have unipolar depression. It took me years to get an accurate diagnosis because each of my depressive episodes seemed to take on a differing cluster of symptoms. When I asked my psychiatrist why PPD didn't rear it's ugly head, I was told it was because I hadn't deluded myself into believing those marshmellow dreams of motherhood of everything being unicorns and butterflies, that I had an accurate expectation of sleep deprivation, colic, sore breasts and seemingly unending laundry.
When considering this theory, I can definitely see how a new mother who's dealt with infertility might be more at risk for PPD: she's spent so much of her time in focusing on bringing this little one into the world, there's little mental energy left to accurately prepare herself for her world to be turned upside down once this little miracle makes his or her debut.
What kinds of behaviour/symptoms did your W have that has you considering PPD?
Like I said, PPD was never an issue for me but I do have lots of experience with dealing with depression. If you have any questions regarding general depression I can try to answer as best I can if it helps.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
GM - there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Period. I resigned myself to that quite some time ago when I decided to work on me. There is peace in understanding. And when I understand things out of my control better- I tend to be a bit more calm and accepting. That's the difference it makes - for me, anyway. I own my part - fully. But seeing the full landscape of my situation helps tremendously.
There are a LOT of symptoms that have been exhibited over the last several months that make me wonder about PDD. Pre-exisiting depression, fertility treatments, family history - the list goes on. It's no longer be seeking reasons, just seeking peace. And I feel strongly that depression/PDD have a role in my situation. Physicians have said so as well. Again. Nothing I can do - I know. But it;s just good for me to understand part of what I am dealing with.
....PS - PPD rarely appears two years out, correct. However, if not treated/addressed it CAN stretch out that long if I understand correctly. It can be further exacerbated by pre-existing depression.
as GM pointed out, the risk factors are not symptoms. I did have ppd after the birth of our 2nd child, about 5 days post birth and for about 3 weeks.
It came on so dramatically that I was actually cognitively aware of a really huge mood swing. A part of me was actually fascinated at my emotional swings...like "Wow, this is me on wacky hormone shifts"...but I was weepy and it was SO tempting to look for a reason for how sad & overwhelmed & isolated I felt.
Your unhelpfulness (per your words -sorry) was an easy target. When the social workers ask new moms what type of support they'll get at home (standard question)
she might have said "zero" and then seen that as her explanation for it all.
I had a sister whose husband left her right before the birth of their 3rd child. She was depressed right after the birth & I asked her if she thought it was PPD.
She asked me this: "How can you tell if you have PPD or if you are simply reacting to your truly horrible situation?"
Good question.
The important things for you to note are two fold:
1) nothing you can do about it and in fact the more you focus on this, the less you'll work on what you can change and on what matters.
2) this is unrealistic at this point now anyhow. She may be depressive but she's NOT having post partum depression NOW.
If she's depressed...so be it.
She thinks you are part of it and truth be told you probably were. You want to keep going over the past and flaggilate some more?
How about moving forward to being the Best Crimson you can be?
If you do date, At the very least, Do what is fair & honest for the women you meet...
your w MIGHT be testing you and if she is, dating won't win you points...
then again, maybe she needs to fear losing you, and dating could help that. So you see arguments FOR the marriage could allow you to date...and arguments for you to move on, could too.
In any case, do not introduce any OW to your son until if and when you think there's a real chance of her being in your life long term.
THEN & only then, (per my MC)
if she's NOT a GREAT step mom...she is out.
Any chance of Retrovaille? And I'm a bit behind on your sitch. What happened in court?
What's the latest in what SHE says she wants??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh 25, so much has transpired. Guess I'll start in order of what you brought up.
With regard to depression - I am certain that is at play as she has always suffered from it since her 20's and she is under a lot of stress right now. AND she has recently stopped taking anti-depressants. Not sure if that was doctor's advice or her own personal decision - but I suspect that it is the latter.
I agree that there is nothing I can do about it at all right now if it is. Not one thing - and it would be a cold day in hell before I broach the topic with her directly. At this point, I am genuinely concerned about her health not even as a husband, but as a friend. She is sick every month. Sick to the point where she asks me to come pick up our S because she feels so awful. I got a text this Sunday morning saying that she was vomitting through the night and asked me to come pick him up. I did - and left some crakers, 7-Up, Gatorade and Pepto with her. (I did it to be nice and because I care - not to score points). She was a wreck through the rest of the holiday weekend and said she felt "weak".
In my gut, I know that something is not "right". She is still underweight and she has said that she can't handle anything beyond the "regular routine" of life right now. Anything above and beyond makes her anxious. Again, I know that there is nothing I can do - but I remain concerned and mostly silent on the issue.
Court - that went terribly and I think she walked away from the settlement hearing pissed. Both of us walked away from it unhappy - which typically means the mediator did a good job. I was in one room with my L and she was in another with hers. The mediator went back and forth between the rooms trying to strike a deal. It was painful, hurtful and I couldn't believe that it was my life I was living in that moment.
At the end, we ALL had to set in one room and close the deal. Every part of me wanted to punch her L in the face. We didn't speak to one another and didn't make eye contact. I was actually welling up a bit - so all the better.
She later said in a rather mean e-mail that she "couldn't believe" some of the things that were going back and forth in the hearing and some of the things that my L was asking her to take on - which were legally hers, really. She said in that e-mail that she didn't trust me, OR my motives. She concluded by saying "and THIS is coming from a man that says he loves his wife and son!". That hurt - and clearly she meant it to.
After that message I did not speak to her at all. I didn't call or return her calls....I didn't text or return her texts for the better part of 4-5 days or so. She was texting me wanting to know if S was ok...asking to hear his voice. I ignored it all. Then one evening she texted "please don't cut off my communication with S because you are angry with me - it doesn't help anyone but maybe you". I didn't respond.
The following morning she tried calling again, and I did not answer. I Finally texted her back saying that I was not mad at her - just hurt by some of the things she said to/about me in her e-mail. She responded by saying that SHE was hurt and saddened that my flexibility with her vacation plans with S were conditional. Specifically, she wanted to take him to IA for 19 consecutive days. My repsonse was basically, if we are working on our R - even AFTER D - I will bend over backwards to help heal our family, and if you NEED that much time to help heal - so be it, take it. However - if you don't have it in you to work on R then I would suggest we just stick to what the courts have told us with regard to vacation. THAT is what she called "conditional" and I guess THAT is what made her angry. Between that and the anger she had from the hearing she sent me an e-mail (in response to a note that I left her) saying "I would encourage you to go find someone new that wants to have more kids. There is nothing in me that wants to reconcile at this point". Not sure if that was said to hurt me - I suspect that it was on some level - or if she really meant it. 1-2 weeks prior she had said she was "open to working on things" - so I don't know WHAT to believe. As someone mentioned before, I think she is running on 100% pure emotion right now.
We have smoothed things over in the last week and are speaking again. But I don't know how to take it. It is quite emotionally jarring.
Regarding dating - I might put my toe in the pond, but my heart STILL resides with my w and s. Is that indicative of the fact that maybe I SHOULDN'T think about dating? I kind of saw it as a means to force me to move on and try to get over her. Maybe it's just a bad idea - but I feel that if I don't try then I will never stop wanting HER and my family back together. Honestly don't know what to do.
If she discovers that I am trying to date, I have no idea what that would do to her emotionally. She has previously said that it would not be "easy" for her - but I struggle with that because if she didn't want me to date all she would have to say is that she wants to work on things. I suspect that she would use it as a chance to say "See? You don't care about me or love me!" - kind of in line with her remark about "and THIS is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son"! Truth be told, right now - there is no one that I would rather be with in my heart than her. Really don't know what to do. As a dad, the whole dating thing changes dramatically and I kind of don't want to deal with it.
As for Retrovaille, there is one in my area in July - but I have not brought it to her attention yet. Not even sure if I should. I have heard so many good things - but if she marches into it with no desire to do much introspection and "own" her part - I don't think she would stay very long - and based on jlove's posts that is a big part of it.
So to summarize a rather long post -
1.) I am certain she is depressed and not taking meds anymore, but there is nothing I can do.
2.) The settlement hearing went poorly and she walked away angry - despite the fact that we were sitting next to one another in church the day before.
3.) On the fence about dating - I still love my wife and hold out hope - though it is fading.
4.) I am worried about her health as a whole
5.) Not sure WHAT she wants right now - or if I should believe much of what she says. I don't know if SHE knows what she wants right now either.
Oh, final note for you, 25 - the day before the settlement hearing she gave me a hand-written "gratitude letter" expressing all of these wonderful ways that I had changed her life....how happy she was the day I proposed, how happy she was at our wedding, how grateful she was that I made her a mother...and much more. If your would read it, it didn't SOUND like a woman describing a man she would want to walk away from. Ergo, I am even further confused.
Sorry for the long post. I have been silent for awhile.
Last night W says in a text that she feels like S would rather be at the house with me than with her. She said that when she told him that I was coming over to get him on Sunday he stood around the front door for like 30 minutes waiting for me. Said it made her sad. I tried to reassure her - but in my heart I just wanted to shout out "Come home already!!! We all want you here!! Even the dog!!!". She has said repeatedly that s has "more space" at the house than her rented condo....guess she feels he is happier with more space.
I've resolved never to invalidate her feelings again (I realize I did a lot of that) but I think a lot of those feelings of the baby wanting to be with me instead of her are centered around her feelings of depression. Which, again, I can do nothing about. I just feel that my situation would get a bit better if it was treated - but that is neither here nor there.
Oh 25, so much has transpired. Guess I'll start in order of what you brought up.
With regard to depression - I am certain that is at play as she has always suffered from it since her 20's and she is under a lot of stress right now. AND she has recently stopped taking anti-depressants. Not sure if that was doctor's advice or her own personal decision - but I suspect that it is the latter. I agree that there is nothing I can do about it at all right now if it is. Not one thing - and it would be a cold day in hell before I broach the topic with her directly. this^^ sums it up well. But know that once some time has passed and she's not HAPPY, she is cognitively smart and aware enough to notice it. She may not tell YOU that she's still miserable OR
she may even blame the lessened time with son as the cause - but even then, at some level, she seems like the type who would eventually look in the mirror and own some of this. MAYBE NOT TELL YOU, but still, she's no idiot and her pride does not appear to be SO HIGH that she'd never face the truth...
or so I feel, only based on your words and what you say she's done/said in the past.
At this point, I am genuinely concerned about her health not even as a husband, but as a friend. She is sick every month. Sick to the point where she asks me to come pick up our S because she feels so awful. I got a text this Sunday morning saying that she was vomitting through the night and asked me to come pick him up. I did - and left some crakers, 7-Up, Gatorade and Pepto with her. (I did it to be nice and because I care - not to score points). She was a wreck through the rest of the holiday weekend and said she felt "weak". I don't think ^^ this is depression, per se. I think she's sick a lot. Maybe she's border line anorexic or believes thinness in the extreme is most attractive and plans on dating eventually (don't freak, she has to THINK of it someday)
or maybe the chronic stress she feels is the reason for her immune system to weaken, I'll buy that. But nothing you can do (though I sugggest Dramamine - meclizine-for nausea next time. I can never get pepto down if I feel nauseaous).
In my gut, I know that something is not "right". She is still underweight and she has said that she can't handle anything beyond the "regular routine" of life right now. Anything above and beyond makes her anxious. Again, I know that there is nothing I can do - but I remain concerned and mostly silent on the issue.
as you should, unfortunately. I know it's tough for you to let go of an issue but you MUST. It does not belong to you. So, be concerned but silent...unless you CAN do something, like pick son up earlier, etc. Then do it for HIM, and b/c you're not a jerk
Court - that went terribly and I think she walked away from the settlement hearing pissed. Both of us walked away from it unhappy - which typically means the mediator did a good job. I was in one room with my L and she was in another with hers. The mediator went back and forth between the rooms trying to strike a deal. It was painful, hurtful and I couldn't believe that it was my life I was living in that moment. (((( ))))
At the end, we ALL had to set in one room and close the deal. Every part of me wanted to punch her L in the face. We didn't speak to one another and didn't make eye contact. I was actually welling up a bit - so all the better. FWIW - I wish you had let her see you cry then. Not weakness, but she'd see NO anger from you at her, just deep sadness, which was what you truly felt.
She later said in a rather mean e-mail that she "couldn't believe" some of the things that were going back and forth in the hearing and some of the things that my L was asking her to take on - which were legally hers, really. She said in that e-mail that she didn't trust me, OR my motives. She concluded by saying "and THIS is coming from a man that says he loves his wife and son!". That hurt - and clearly she meant it to. in all fairness, couldn't you say the exact same things? That all of her "open to working on the r" was a ruse to get you to lay down in court?
I don't believe it was a ruse, but I'm open to the idea of it and you certainly have similar "evidence" of what SHE is accusing you of, regarding HER behavior...
After that message I did not speak to her at all. I didn't call or return her calls....I didn't text or return her texts for the better part of 4-5 days or so. She was texting me wanting to know if S was ok...asking to hear his voice. I ignored it all.
gotta admit, to me that^^^ looks petty and vindictive. ---Punitive---any truth there? Of course, if it's that hard for her to go without hearing your son's voice--and I believe her---
then maybe SHE can imagine what it might be like for YOU
to NOT SEE HIM FOR 19 DAYS IN A ROW, so ask her to put herself in your shoes for 2 minutes...
Then one evening she texted "please don't cut off my communication with S because you are angry with me - it doesn't help anyone but maybe you". I didn't respond.
(See above comment)
The following morning she tried calling again, and I did not answer. I Finally texted her back saying that I was not mad at her - just hurt by some of the things she said to/about me in her e-mail.
She responded by saying that SHE was hurt and saddened that my flexibility with her vacation plans with S were conditional. Specifically, she wanted to take him to IA for 19 consecutive days. My repsonse was basically, if we are working on our R - even AFTER D - I will bend over backwards to help heal our family, and if you NEED that much time to help heal - so be it, take it. However - if you don't have it in you to work on R then I would suggest we just stick to what the courts have told us with regard to vacation. THAT is what she called "conditional" and I guess THAT is what made her angry. hmmm. I see her point but I also believe that regardless of what is going on, YOU need to see your son more often than once in 3 weeks, which is what her idea would generate.
Down deep Wouldn't you honestly feel irked if she said she was "working on piecing" w/you, but then wanted to be away from YOU and separate you and son for that long? How odd that would be.
Between that and the anger she had from the hearing she sent me an e-mail (in response to a note that I left her) saying "I would encourage you to go find someone new that wants to have more kids. There is nothing in me that wants to reconcile at this point". Not sure if that was said to hurt me - I suspect that it was on some level - or if she really meant it. 1-2 weeks prior she had said she was "open to working on things" - so I don't know WHAT to believe. As someone mentioned before, I think she is running on 100% pure emotion right now. she IS running/spouting off based on emotion. Perhaps you ought to Lay low, say very little (but NO SILENT TREATMENT--that just shows how little improvement you two have made with communications)
and assert yourself as a father. DO things with son when you have him. Fun things.
Be happy with him and get it across to her that your role as a father IS independent of your role as her hubby or her co-parent.
We have smoothed things over in the last week and are speaking again. But I don't know how to take it. It is quite emotionally jarring.
Yes it is. I'm sorry. I get it and it stinks.
But the BIG PICTURE goal here is, that She has to believe marriage to you, can be better/different than before.
So do what you think will help convince her of that^^^...and let that be your guide w/your words and actions.
until if and when you believe she's correct in her refusal to reconcile. (I'm not there yet.)
I see NO value in silent treatment and ignoring her calls/texts, at all. I see only a downside to it.
Of course - if you are saying the only reaction you'd have given would be crazy anger, then silence is better. But Crimson, YOU are better than that.
You have more than two options (i.e., silence or fury) so start showing that!
Regarding dating - I might put my toe in the pond, but my heart STILL resides with my w and s. Is that indicative of the fact that maybe I SHOULDN'T think about dating? arguments for and against. Your loneliness is natural.
I kind of saw it as a means to force me to move on and try to get over her. Maybe it's just a bad idea - but I feel that if I don't try then I will never stop wanting HER and my family back together. Honestly don't know what to do. If she discovers that I am trying to date, I have no idea what that would do to her emotionally. She has previously said that it would not be "easy" for her - but I struggle with that because if she didn't want me to date all she would have to say is that she wants to work on things. this^^ is a quandary!
On one hand, I want her to know you won't wait around forever AND that you are a good catch. SOMETIMES the only way to make that point is to show how desirable you are to other women...
OTOH, it might signify your shallow/insincere "committment" to the marriage and be the "proof" she wants to verify your unworthiness as a partner.
Somewhere/sometime you have to find that fine line IF your goal is recon.
However, there will be a time that your need for healthy companionship outweighs all else including your goal of recon
AND OR
you come to believe there's so little chance of reconciling that you don't have much to lose by dating. You're not there yet, clearly.
But don't rule out getting there OR finding certainty in not wanting to date. Maybe set yourself increments of time like 90 days of "still trying to recon" or at least not dating anyone, while still being upbeat & DBing around w,
b/c no matter what else, you still want to show that the changes you made are real and lasting without ANY OWs around or even rumors..
So if nothing improves after 90 days, decide if you can do another round.
IF things DO improve or evolve, other answers may reveal themselves to you.
I suspect that she would use it as a chance to say "See? You don't care about me or love me!" - kind of in line with her remark about "and THIS is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son"! Truth be told, right now - there is no one that I would rather be with in my heart than her. Really don't know what to do. As a dad, the whole dating thing changes dramatically and I kind of don't want to deal with it.
As for Retrovaille, there is one in my area in July - but I have not brought it to her attention yet. Not even sure if I should.
We went. Got A LOT out of it. I don't see how it could hurt you. There are "guide" couples or team couples there who tell you their story and believe me, theirs will make ALL of your issues with w, pale in comparison. YEt they are there at REtrovaille as living proof that you can be damn miserable one year and later on, be happily married to the same person...with time and smart nurturing efforts at the marriage, and work
SIDENOTE---I don't always use the word "work" with marriage, b/c it connotes negative activity that is always unpleasant - but has its' reward.
I say "WORKING" on your marriage can be enjoyable in itself. I just wanted to mention that...)
I have heard so many good things - but if she marches into it with no desire to do much introspection and "own" her part 1) you have no control over that and
2) highly UNlikely she'd attend with that attitude, at least not consciously.
Crimson, They will call & interview you both so she won't knowingly lie, will she? I doubt it.
Once there, it's hard to ignore ALL the good stuff she'd hear and she's not going to go to FIX YOU...but neither should you attend to repair her or hope for her to repair herself. IT's not about who needs fixing or who is right/wrong. There is NO assignment of blame. READ THAT LINE AGAIN b/c it's crucial!
It's about how you two can live more harmoniously together.
It's pretty profound (though I thought it began a little slowly). I still knew we'd stick it out for the weekend but then it got heavier, in a mostly good way. There were tears but most of them were good tears and the sad ones were reminders of how much pain can be felt merely be neglecting the most important R in our lives.
- I don't think she would stay very long - and based on jlove's posts that is a big part of it. WOW Crimson, talk about borrowing trouble....AND So what if she leaves early? How would that be worse than not attending? It won't cement any negative beliefs...and it's NOT likely.
Crimson...sheesh, that's an oddly negative projection to make. AND oh btw when we went--- we saw 0 (ZERO) people do that.
From what I've heard, our experience was more common than Jlove's... at least where I am (Southern California) we had pretty thorough interviews on the phone before attending and they got commitments from both of us about our willingness to work on ourselves and the r.
NO ONE LEFT - & when it was all over, 3 couples (of 25) announced that their original plans included one of them wanting out, and thinking that Retrovaille would prove they'd "tried everything".
All 3 of those couples stayed in the follow up and as of 6 months later had not filed. I have lost touch with many of the original couples b/c our schedules don't match up for our follow up sessions which are closer to our house than the first 6.
It's been almost 4 years now and I've heard that 23 of the 25 couples are still married with one separated. They are not the exact same couples who said they planned on divorcing.
Considering the reasons FOR going, that statistic is amazing. I say GO and use any reason you can to get her there. Meaning, you could go to "improve communications" (TRUE!!)
or "help us co-parent better" or "divorce better" b/c the point is to get her there.
She cannot help but benefit and you can't either. I'm telling you that it's a profound experience. Don't resist it if you go.
I also strongly believe she WILL 2nd guess her divorce choice. I totally believe that. She may also stop tossing it out as a threat or weapon.
So to summarize a rather long post -
1.) I am certain she is depressed and not taking meds anymore, but there is nothing I can do. correct
2.) The settlement hearing went poorly and she walked away angry - despite the fact that we were sitting next to one another in church the day before.
weird, and sad, but maybe true...
3.) On the fence about dating - I still love my wife and hold out hope - though it is fading. my suggestion, albeit a wishy washy one, is that you hold off on dating for a bit longer. (If you date, do NOT tell her or son until if and when it's serious.)
Let her feel the ramifications of her choice - but be a lot kinder, and healthier about it. No silence!
You can be sad that this is what happened due to her choice and your previous behavior- while looking forward to YOUR future and enjoying the NOW (that is CHANGE IN YOU she has to see continuously...no more old Crimson pouting quietly and refusing to answer the phone or allowing her contact with HER son...that's got to stop). Rent those comedies, get a few jokes under your belt that you can tell, etc.
You MAY want to "steal her thunder" in the blame game by saying or accepting that you blew it BEFORE, but now you are different guy--too late--too bad...
"I'm glad I made these changes - but am sorry they were made too late for you. At least I've become the man I was meant to become...THANKS for being the catalyst but sorry that it hurt us both so much..."
and let her infer what she will....i.e., that NOW you'll be the new & improved Crimson with all the good traits and none of the bad or thoughtless ones--but with an OW...NOT her
there's very little that's more annoying than thinking all your "Work" on your spouse FINALLY pays off....and some OW gets to benefit?
WTH???
4.) I am worried about her health as a whole (see #1)
5.) Not sure WHAT she wants right now - or if I should believe much of what she says. I don't know if SHE knows what she wants right now either. doubt SHE knows...this is the waiting part of it, but that does not mean no action on your end. It means don't expect to "know" anything soon.
She seems to be okay with that lack of clarity, consciously but she's sick a lot so it's taking a toll. Which you also have to deal with. I think there are still tests for you going on, but am not sure.
Oh, final note for you, 25 - the day before the settlement hearing she gave me a hand-written "gratitude letter" expressing all of these wonderful ways that I had changed her life....how happy she was the day I proposed, how happy she was at our wedding, how grateful she was that I made her a mother...and much more. If your would read it, it didn't SOUND like a woman describing a man she would want to walk away from. Ergo, I am even further confused.
Sorry for the long post. I have been silent for awhile.
Crimson
that IS extremely confusing. I have to ponder that note. Does sound as if she's letting her hourly moods dictate LONG BIG choices in her life...which stinks for all.
That's why I get bugged when I hear people talking about how they MUST LISTEN to their feelings.
I like Maggie Thatcher's comment about "Feelings instead of thoughts...Nonsense! Let your thinking guide you" and I agree. NO I'm Not into repression of emotion -
but the idea that what we FEEL should be our guide has a lot of flaws in it.
Following your emotions is why some people kill themselves for God's sake....
THINK about what is the best solution for all or most, and then, as I like to say,
"where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow."
Hang in there!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
