Rollercoaster Ride - I'm just strapping in...

[RoRoinMD]

Starting my third thread…Here are the links to the first 2.

Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214104#Post2214104

Part 2: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219978#Post2219978

Well, H is back from Vegas. He’s very sick, and I’m working on being “Nurse Ronnie”. He thanked me this morning on his way out for the medicine and sick foods that I got yesterday. But I’m definitely feeling the distance. Had me a good cry about it this morning, but I’m okay now.

For some reason, I feel like I’m starting the whole DBing thing over again. I know he’s noticing the changes in me, even if he hasn’t said anything. But every time he comes back from out of town, it’s like the alien invasion all over again.

I feel SO good about the changes. I’m no longer a big complainer. I’m not sweating the small stuff. And for once, I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him. This is the new me. It’s becoming more natural. I’m enjoying laughing again. Laughing FOR REAL that is.

But…I’m also thinking that with the pressure off him to hide the OW, he’s feeling freer to continue. Which makes me think he’s nowhere close to ending it with her. So now, I feel like I’m just treading water, waiting for the other shoe to drop – he’s moving out. He hasn’t mentioned it, and neither have I. And unless he has money hidden somewhere (that will be a miracle!), he doesn’t have any money to move out. At least not until we get our taxes done, which I’m not in a hurry to do because I will owe money, and he probably will too. He hasn’t asked about getting them done since a few weeks ago. I really hadn’t planned on filing until April since I’m going to owe.

I started reading DR again yesterday. (Is it in ebook form yet? I couldn’t find it on my Nook Color, and it would be so much easier to read it there, than trying to hide the book from H.)

So my goals for this week are:

1. GAL – Go to Curves & Kickboxing (this depends on how much I’ll need to play nursemaid. I can work out at home if need be)
2. Go to Bible Study on Wednesday.
3. Act as if – try to keep the crying to a minimum, and don’t ask ANYTHING about OW. (I was getting so good at this. Now it’s like I can’t stop. Hence, starting over)
4. Buy new clothes this weekend, including new undergarments.

One of my friends sent me an email while I was out of the office on Friday. She said she was cleaning her email and came across this beautiful picture. I scroll down and it’s a picture of H and I at our wedding reception. We are both smiling and look so in love. I resisted the urge to send it to H with the caption – Remember? :-(

[ChuckF]

Hey, RoRo, sounds like you're doing great work, probably better than you know. A couple of quick suggestions - I'd switch your GAL priorities around. That is, playing nursemaid depends on how much you plan to go to Curves and Kickboxing. This isn't mean or selfish, it's balanced, healthy relating.

Second, how are you planning to respond if he says he's moving out? Think about what he expects you to say and do, he probably has a clear expectation and it's probably negative. It is a great DB opportunity to give him something different - more calm, confident, even playful - that can really challenge his beliefs about you. What do you want to say, and how do you want to say it? Have you ever been on stage? You rehearsed your lines, and your blocking, so that when the lights were on and the audience in place you could present your character with conviction! Rehearse this!

My hope is that you'll not have to "perform" this, but being prepared gives you confidence and, ironically, makes it less likely that you'll need to! Hang in there, you can do this!

[RoRoinMD]

Chuck, thanks for your comments. I have rehearsed in my head over and over some of what I'll say if he does in fact say he's moving out. Basically something like, "Ok. I understand you feel this is something you need to do for you, and I can respect that. But know that I don't think this is the best way to go about things. I still believe our M can be saved." I still haven't gotten all of the words down.

I'm not sure I can be playful about this topic, because it will HURT. I do plan to be calm and collected. Then I'll head to the shower for a good cry because I know I will need it.

[Oneeleven]

is the last part of that pursuing? (.. still think M can be saved)

[RoRoinMD]

is the last part of that pursuing? (.. still think M can be saved)

I just think it's the truth. I wouldn't asking/begging him to stay. Just that I think we can work through our issues and remain M. Maybe I can rephrase it somehow if/when I need to actually say it. Any ideas?

[Brian in Hville]

I don't think it's pursuing. I would say what you wrote and without taking a breath, add something like "I wish you all the best". That makes it end without looking like you want a response.

[RoRoinMD]

I don't think it's pursuing. I would say what you wrote and without taking a breath, add something like "I wish you all the best". That makes it end without looking like you want a response.

I like it Brian. Although, I'll be lying through my teeth. LOL

Hopefully, I won't need to do this! But I'll be prepared anyway. (well on the outside anyway)

[ChuckF]

Remember, he only gets to see the outside! And often, our actions challenge our own negative beliefs and we find strength we didn't know we had. btw, the end does sound like some pursuit, even if it's true. I'd go more with Brian's suggestion.

[angel61]

been there..... done that.

Agree with 111, Its pursuing if you try to get him to see it your way, or try to get him to agree to give your M a try before he leaves or gives it up.

I'd rather say something like: "I believe our M can still be saved. But if its your choice to leave, and not give it one last try, I will respect your wishes, and wish you the best".

Oftentimes, the WAW, unless they are really determined to leave, doesn't like it when they have to take sole responsibility for the choice to abandon the M. During the time my H had his EA, I felt that he did things on purpose so that I would find out, and be the one to initiate a D. Whenever I would push the choice to his side, and make him the responsible party, he refused to make the move.

One thing though I made clear: there was no halfway measures. He moves out of the house, then its a divorce, no looking back. No trying out an alternate life then running back to me if he wasn't happy or if it did not work out.

[2chiquitos]

Good luck roro. I know it's hard to hear. Maybe you can mentally prepare for this. Do something fun/ny before and/or after this. When my H talks about separating our bills and our future apart, I just roll w the punches. I've gotten the nerve to say "ok!" with a smile on my face as if he just said, I'll go pick up dinner for us.

Remember it reversable . Hope that helps