Had an affair 3 years ago, DH still struggling

[Mystify]

Hello this is my first post here so Ill do my best. 3 years ago I had an affair with an old fling. He contacted me on Facebook and I am sure you can figure out the rest. It lasted 3 months and I broke I off. My DH had his suspicions but did not act on them initially. I had lost some weight and I was feeling more confident and he just took the change in behavior for that.

A few months went by and is suspicions got the best of him. He logged into my email account and saw some conversations we had. So he confronted me. At first I denied it because I could see he was in pain, but he was in so much pain I just told him the truth.

Then the Roller-coaster began. The next few months were very difficult. He yelled, screamed and wanted to know every detail. I told him everything. The problem here was he did not believe me. He kept saying "If you loved me you would not have done this" and "I could have prevented this I knew something was not right" You get the picture. Now thought all of this I NEVER blamed him, I took full accountability and responsibility. I love him very much. I even told him if he wanted to leave I would not blame him because this was all my fault and it was.

After a few more weeks I suggested consoling. He was very reluctant. One thing about my DH is he is very Black and White no gray for him. So for me to try to explain why I had the affair ( and to be honest I really did not know until I started processing it myself) was very difficult he just could not get it or I just could not explain it to him so he could understand. So I decided for myself I would try consoling my self. I had gone a few times and she really wanted to get DH involved. After asking a few times he did go. He was very abrasive and confrontational with the therapist. Even though she was trying to get him the see the whole picture and not place blame he just saw it as an attack. He did go back a few more times but every time we did go things just seemed to get worse. We did talk about the affair and we did talk a lot about it but after a while it just seemed to get circular. He would ask me questions I would answer and he would not agree with my answer or the answer was not good enough. After a while I just felt like I should be giving him the answers he wanted to hear but I could not do that because it was not true.

Now through all of this DH had received medical advice and was on a bunch of different antidepressants. Each seemed to make things worse. He started drinking more (beer, not liquor) and did have fits of rage, but never physically doing anything to me. I knew why he has this anger and I just let him get it out. After all it was my fault he was feeling this way so I just took whatever he gave me. Hoping it would make him get thought this.

After a few months on the meds they just were not for him and he cut them out cold turkey. We would have our good days and our bad days. We continued to talk the whole time however whenever I came home from the therapist he would be very abrasive and defensive and tell me this was just physcobabble and not really listen to me. So I stopped going to consoling. To be honest towards the end I think she was really trying to get me to leave him, But that is not what I wanted to do.

So 1 year now after the affair. we went a head alone without consoling. We decided we would make a go if it and he said he would try to "Get Over" it. Now that I look back at it It is all well and good to try to "Get Over" it, but we really did not have plan on how to do that. I tried to be more attentive and he to be more understanding and this worked most of the time. We would talk through things and that seemed to work. Then from my prospective things were getting back to normal so I taught.

Now it has been 3 years since the affair and 2.5 of him finding out. For the last month or so he has been distant. Not really talking, not being affectionate. I asked him then if something was the matter and he said "I am working on some things that I just need to figure out" I asked what and he did not want to talk about it. So I let it go, His behavior remained the same. Then one night last week we decided to go to the movies because our son was having an overnight at the y. We were late getting him there so we decided to go home to wait for the next show. So on the way home I asked him what was wrong, should I be going to the movies alone? This just opened the floodgates again. Everything was resurfacing. It was like I was in the ground-hogs day movie. He was bringing up the affair and how I could do this to him and how he ignored the signs. I was more calm this time around so I kept my composure. I asked him what bought this on because we were not arguing or anything. He said it was the time of year. I was June when I started the affair and it was also the same time his Step Father passed. So I can understand the "Time of Year" trigger but his anger was so fresh I could not understand why. Then he told me it actually started back at Easter when we got into an argument about Ice Cream. To be honest I cannot remember having that argument at all. But apparently during that argument it moved from Ice Cream to a personal attack on each other. And I told him if he was so unhappy he should leave. Now I know I should not have said this, and I do not remember saying it but if he said I did then I must have. This is what triggered his change.

He started evualating his life he said. Did he ever really love me? Does he love me now? Did he do the right thing by staying? For the right reasons our son? He said those intense feelings he had are gone and he cannot get them back. When I was sick a few weeks back he said to me he did not care and I deserved it. All of this was quite a shock to me because I had no Idea he was even thinking about this. I know when there is an affair the non cheating spouse will zig zag but this was a major zig!! I can see he still has unresolved questions and is still very angry. He blames himself (I do not blame him one bit), he feels like his manhood has been taken from him he feels insignificant hates his job, It really seemed like a major mid-life crisis. He is 37.

So I felt like I was at a crossroads and I needed to do something. Was he feeling this way because of the Time Trigger? He did suggest maybe separating for a while to figure things out but he really does not want to do and I know I do not want him to leave. He is just so broken it is heart wrenching for me to see him this way. So I got on the internet and did some searches and came across this page. I have gotten the book Divorce Busters from the library and am about 150 pages in. There is some good material in there I just wonder if it would work for us. My DH is just so against consoling I figured if I could implement some of these changes he would be responding and not even realize.

In the past few days I have done the following: Given him space, Let him make his own choices on where he wanted to go. He likes to fish when he says he is going or would like to go fishing I just say have a good time. I have helped him clean the kitchen after dinner, where before he just did it. I would say to him what a good job he did on the Meal or how nice the lawn looked when he was done. These are things that in the past would go unmentioned or just not done. He is cordial but still distant. It might just be to soon to tell. He gives me a kiss good by every day but at night we sleep in opposite directions. We do have 2 other beds in the house and he has not gone there so I took that as a good sign. I am the type of person who needs to have the human tough and sleeping apart has just been killing me. So this morning I scooted up behind him and asked if this was Okay and his response was "I don't know" I stayed there for about 15 minutes just having my arm around him until we needed to get up of work. It made me feel better but I do not know if was too soon or not right for him. He never said either way. We have not been intimate in a few days but it has only been a few days. I did ask him to be intimate one morning and his response to me was he feels like it is just sex now and not making love because he lost those feelings and he did not want to confuse me.

I am hoping some of these changes Michelle talks about in her book will help us. I do not believe my DH does not love me anymore. He is still showing some sort of affection. He is just having a hard time with the fact that intense love he felt for me is gone. and he is lost. Plus the time of year is not helping either.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I be trying to implement these steps slower? I know in the book it talks about doing the things we used to do when we were happy. Is it too soon to suggest some of these things. Or should we be going back to the beginning and try to work through this again?

I can see now we did not have a good enough "Plan" to get through this. I feel like if I bring up a plan now he might not be receptive to it? I guess you never know if you don't ask.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Getting cheated on is serious. When a man feels his "man hood" has been stripped, it's not a lightweight feeling. It makes you lose all feeling of stability, strength and resolve.

In my situation my erections where affected. We have been over for years, and I was able to find out that my erections still did work for women outside of the situation.

Why not show the husband love through actions and feed him and help him to feel more secure with you? Alot of it will be love making and trust building and acts of kindness.

I mean why break it up if you feel bad, know you shouldn't have done what you did, you still love your husband and want him - and why shoud he leave when he put all this time in.

[MrBond]

DaddyLongShanks.

WTF? I strongly suggest that if you enjoy kicking people when they're down that you post on another board. You were affected by an A, deal with it and grow the f@ck up.

Here is a WAS who is remorseful and is asking for help. If you can't do it without talking about how you can't get it up, then move on.

[MrBond]

Mystify,

I hope you don't get discouraged posting here. There are alot of reasons why your H could be going through what he is. The trust has been broken and yes, even though it has been a long time, he is still dealing with it.

Sometimes it does take years and it's going to require alot of love, patience and compassion on your part. How transparent have you been since that time? He really hasn't had the time to process anything since he's held it all in.

[DaddyLongShanks]

MrBond,

I didn't know my tone was taken as "kicking someone while they are down".

I don't care anymore that my previous marriage didn't work. I cared at the time, but come to understand that person didn't want me anymore and would make my life as difficult as possible. Why would anyone want that for themself?

I'm not angry. I thought I was giving her advice that might make her husband feel a little more empowered, considering the situation.

[MrBond]

Whatever, your first post was fine. The second was straightup offensive. Her H doesn't need to feel empowered right now, you're totally missing the point.

[DaddyLongShanks]

MrBond.

I will re-read it and keep my comments light to this situation. It was just common for a man to feel like he did something wrong around the wife who cheated on him, and she comes back mean-spirited and less giving.

I've made an assumption that maybe she doesn't know she's doing it, and not trying to hurt her.

In these real "power moves" like cheating on someone, most people won't give up the feeling of "power" after they have done the deed.

[MrBond]

"she comes back mean-spirited and less giving. "

She didn't do this. She has been open and trying to be understanding. Start reading the posts more carefully before commenting.

[25yearsmlc]

mystify,

I feel for you and admire your stand. I want to tell you a true story from my childhood.

We grew up near an Army family and the dad was a Colonel. He was a former POW in Vietnam for 6 years. He and his w were married with 5 kids.

He had an affair before they moved into our neighborhood.

Oh, how did I know he had an affair, when I was only 17? b/c EVERYONE KNEW

b/c his wife would leak it out ...

when I'd ask him about the POW times she'd change the topic, every time. I thought maybe she was protecting him but no, she didn't want him to be admired by us, or even their children.

She chose the worst of all avenues. To stay married & stay miserable.

Today, 30 plus years later, of her 5 kids, 4 are unmarried, with each having divorced one or more times. One has never been married.

The legacy she could have given her children, after the affair

could have been one of forgiveness, redemption, committment and love.

Hers was not.

Seems your h wants to hold this over your head forever like the sword of Damacles, or throw it in your face every time the whim strikes him.

I am not defending your affair. But if he cannot get past this, after you've done all you can to make it up and regain his trust

then what's the point of all this effort?

HE has a choice to make now..to forgive you, which requires letting it go & never bringing it up,

or to end it b/c he won't let it go.

Getting cheated on is serious. When a man feels his "man hood" has been stripped, it's not a lightweight feeling. It makes you lose all feeling of stability, strength and resolve.

was there something in her post that made you think SHE wasn't taking it seriously?

In my situation my erections where affected. We have been over for years, and I was able to find out that my erections still did work for women outside of the situation.

Why not show the husband love through actions and feed him and help him to feel more secure with you? Alot of it will be love making and trust building and acts of kindness.

did you read what SHE wrote? I mean after the part about her having an affair, or did you tune it all out and think about his sexual dysfunction, which she did NOT mention him having?

Did you read what she did and said to regain the marriage, that she expressed love, they make love and did you read what her husband to her, now a full 3 years post affair?

What do you say about HIS behavior? He gets to keep swinging the bat at her as long as HIS MANHOOD isn't what it should be.

Wow...I gotta go w/Bond on this but I won't beat a dead horse. Hope you get it.

I mean why break it up if you feel bad, know you shouldn't have done what you did, you still love your husband and want him - and why shoud he leave when he put all this time in.

Hmmm, I am pro marriage. But as to why should SHE leave? Because HE'S mistreating her now, has been for a long time and seems to think he gets a blank check on being a jerk to her forever, b/c she hurt him 3 years ago and she sees no signs of his improving the way he treats her. That's a reason why.

why should HE leave?

B/c he won't forgive her...

But for the record I never saw forgiveness growing up. IT's a learned skill.

Mystfy, check out the book "After the Affair" to see if it helps and get a solution based therapist.

No more rehashing the past and reliving the trauma.

What helps your marriage NOW?

Do more of that. What hurts it now? Do less or none of that...

That's DB 101...get the books and read them.

It's a simple but radically different approach from most mc's...

[25yearsmlc]

Mystify

let us know how you are doing, okay? No disappearing and making us worry!