This is all new to me so I really don't know where to start. My husband told me two months ago that he has met a younger woman. She is 21 and still in college. He has moved in with his parents and we have a 1 1/2 year old son. He has stopped telling me that he loves me and says part of him does not want to be married anymore. I really don't know what to do. I have bought the DR book and I am currently reading it. It has given me the hope that we can fix our marriage. I just don't know really how to get him to give up this other woman. I mean he still kisses me when he leaves. I am about to try the Last Resort Technique or the 180 to see if it will work. If anyone has any advice I would surely appreciate it.
More on the situation: Two months ago my husband wrote me a letter saying that he had met someone. First it was innocent but the texting and phone calls kept on until there was more. My husband is a police officer so he met this girl actually by giving her a ticket. I have reason to believe that this girl is a lesbian but is playing with my husbands emotions. I have seen pictures of this girl with another one doing some pretty risqué things.
Back to the point. About two weeks ago I told him maybe he needed to move out for a little bit to get his mind straight to see if he missed me and our son. The first week was hard. The next week I got really jealous when he wasn't where he said he would be and really made him mad. So we went back a few steps. This last week I didn't really talk to him. The one thing that really bothers me is he doesn't even check on our son but maybe once a week. I don't know what to do. I am going to try to be strong and weather the storm because I feel in my heart that the real him will come back to me. We have been married almost 5 years but have been together for 11 years. We are high school sweethearts that had that kind of love people envied.
Up until that letter we have never fought. It was definitely like we were still in the honeymoon stage. We did everything together. He never really complained about anything. So I was totally hit hard with this news.
Just trying to update on my situation. My husband is still not home with us. We have talked very little. He has now quit hugging me when he leaves. This is breaking my heart and I really don't know how long I can handle it. I don't know if there is anything I can do to bring him home. Our anniversary is on Friday. I have always been really big on celebrating our anniversary so I am wondering if anyone can help me with this:
Do I give him a card or just act like it is just another day? I am really confused in this and I do not know what to do. So please help!!!!
That is a tough one. I really don't know what advice to give since my H is having an affair as well, and I don't know what to do myself!
I think acknowledging the anniversary may just push your H away. I've read the best thing to do right now is to read DR, practice the techniques, and GAL! Limit your contact with him. End your conversations first. Do for you right now and make yourself happy!
In my experience, I have found that when a spouse is having an A and there are emotions involved (i.e. the spouse thinks he/she is in love with OP) there is not much you can do. Talking to your spouse is going to be like talking to a wall. He doesn't want to hear about what he is doing wrong, or about your R, and how much you love him. Anything you say to try to reel him back to you is going to do the opposite of what you want. When they think they are "in love" with someone else, they are unfortunately in a state of euphoria and that R has to play itself out.
Keep posting here. There are so many wonderful helpful people who have sound advice to offer.
Thanks for the advice. This is definitely a site I never thought I would have to visit. I think maybe I will be prepared with a card just in case but definitely will not hold my breath. He has been a little nicer to me. His tone has changed just a little on the phone. But I don't really know where he is at. I have not mentioned anything about our situation to him in over two weeks and he has not brought it up either, I don't know if that is good or bad, I just have to wait and that is not fair to me but if I want my marriage I guess that is what I will have to do.
Hi Lost, Im not sure how I would approach the anniversary. Maybe just a text message, or a simple email. Much more than that and you will start to seem desperate.
What have your 180's been? Have you started to GAL? These are things that will be the basis of your divorce busting arsenal. Set some goals, some for yourself, and some for your M. Something like I will lose 10lbs by dec, or H will end his A by jan.
Most importantly, go dark, completely and totally dark. Only talk to him about your child, and if he calls, mysteriously have something to do so you are too busy to be on the phone with him. Are you friends with any of his coworkers wives, or the coworkers themselves? I am a big, big supporter of exposing their A's, this sort of lack of integrity and judgment is not very good for a cops career. Do his parents know why he moved out?
The A will end, I can almost guarantee it, and it will leave devestation is its wake. You have to do whatever you can for yourself to make sure that you are well positioned when it does.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
