Hi. My husband said he had decided to divorce back in mid April. Nothing has been filed yet, but he's been out of the house since February. He had an affair last year and showed all the symptoms of MLC. The past week, he has shown a lot more interest, though. Calls to say hi, visits, loving gestures. This all happened after I told him I had found a condo to move, and after showing him I accepted his decision. What should I do now? I know I'm supposed to appear interested but cool. Any other pieces of advice? I'm still not calling or initiating any contact... Thank you for your help. H-33 W-38 M-11 years Together-14 years No children.
I know this isn't your first post here. While you may not wish to post frequently, staying in one area and on one thread can really help us to keep up with you and support you.
Does this sound hopeful?
Maybe.
There could be many reasons why your H is showing these signs which do appear positive.
Appreciate them for what they are and now could be a very good time to keep working on yourself and DBing and perhaps your M can be saved.
Why are you not initiating contact? Are you LRT? LRT is for YOU and it is meant to be temporary. Only for as long as it takes for you to stabilize and detach enough to not react.
Then, GAL (for you and your pma) and 180 or try something new and see if that keeps the positive changes going.
What GAl and 180s are you doing? What might you try NEW that you have not done and would like to, regarding your interaction with your H?
Thank you, Kaffe Diem, for the advice. I guess my 180 is to not contact my H at all and to show him I get his decision to end our marriage.
I've been portraying myself as happy and content, positive (which I am) and I've been letting him contact me when he feels like it.
What puzzles me is that after 4 days of calling or visiting every day, he hasn't contacted me at all for three days. I ran into him yesterday (I actually felt I would see him and it happened.) We were both driving, and saw each other as he was exiting the parking garage. He immediately straightened up and had this huge smile, said hello and had to drive away bc there were cars behind. I could tell he was happy to see me. He was with a coworker who has become his inseparable buddy. He told me they even plan to share an apartment starting in August.
I'll be moving in September.
So, anyway, I don't know if he is trying to test himself or to test me. I'm giving him all the space he needs. I'm not telling him I have hopes or that I miss him (Which I used to do all the time.) I even changed my answering machine message from our "family" message to my own personal message. Anyway, I hope someone has some insights. Thank you!
I guess my 180 is to not contact my H at all and to show him I get his decision to end our marriage.
and I'm having trouble trying to understand what you mean by, "show him"...
Do you think he really cares whether you "get it" or not? He's going to do it, anyhow... at least, in his mind... and that's how he feels... right now...
My D14 has been really distant from me, and was very rude at me in front of her friends a couple weeks ago... she has her reasons and there is nothing I can do about that. Aside from giving her what she appears to want, which is to detach from her dad, like all teens go through...
Anyhow, I mentioned to my W that I have "given up" with trying to be more close with D14. Basically, I'll always be there for D14, just won't pressure her...
My W says to me... "she's testing you"... it was an email convo and I haven't responded to my W regarding that, at this time...
From where I sit... there is no test... it's do... or don't do... if someone is non-verbally "testing" you and has not indicated you are being tested... then what hope do you have of passing? My D14 might be angry with me... or she might just be behaving like a teen... I'm pretty sure it's no test... and if it is, I can't worry about it... because I have no idea what the pass / fail criteria are because I don't know what I'm being tested on... so all I can do, is be me... and be her dad if / when D14 needs me...
We talk about actions, not words... and depending on the sitch, we may say believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do...
Don't worry if it's a test, because if it is... it's possibly stacked against you...
If he's being distant and not calling, just consider that he is "GALing"... not that it's a test...
And that's something that you might want to do... GAL...
What GAL activities are you doing or considering doing?
When we do something, we need to do it consistently and for AT LEAST two weeks in order to possibly see if it is having a positive effect...
Thank you for your message. I'm doing a lot of GAL activities, and it's fine, but this uncertainty is always in my head. I know he's been extremely busy with sports and his work buddy. I just don't get the switch from every-day contact to no contact at all. There has to be a reason, but there's no way I can get into his head. I wonder if this really is a MLC or something else. When you say "do something consistently for at least two weeks" are you talking about doing a 180?
Yes, these definitely ARE uncertain times for you. Your H may think he's clear on what he wants. Then again, he may be uncertain, as well.
My W is very certain that she ended our M. Yet the way I remember it, I emotionally left the M in probably 2009 or even 2008. My W appears to really believe she knows what she wants and most definitely does not want to be M to me. Yet... she would not file D. Even when I pleaded with her to file. I was financially unable and she did not want the added expense of legal separation first and then D, yet she ultimately chose legal SA. Tells me if I want D, then it is up to me to file...
hunh? I thought she was the one who did not want to be M... ?
So, I have no idea what my W wants and it appears she is sure of what she is doing... but not filing? That sure seems like she's uncertain.
That's neither here nor there, just letting you know that just because you THINK he is purposefully and happily moving on with his life without you... that may not be the case.
A WAS often goes for D and gets it done. A MLCer might as well. Still, it appears an MLCer is more about avoiding the tough decisions and just pretending it will all go away if they don't look at it.
Confusion, depression, avoidance, drastic changes in aspects of their life... these are classic and obvious indicators that it could very well be MLC. Still, just because those signs are there does not make it MLC and on the other hand, just because you don't see any signs, does not mean it isn't. Time generally will eventually show what's going on.
Do something different could be anything. Yes, a 180 could be doing something different. GAL is also doing something different if it wasn't your past behaviour. If you do a 180, it needs to be something you are sure he complained about and that you actually DO want to change in yourself.
Also, your approach to him could be done in a different way. Such as using "acting as if" everything is normal.
Just went back to your first post to refresh. It looks like your H is doing the pursuit / distance dance. If your H is MLC, this is called a "touch and go". What that means is, they will have moments of checking in on you, even being intimate with you, and then they disappear, again.
Whether WAS or MLC, stay off that roller coaster. It will make you crazy.
If this is MLC, only time will get them through this. The only way past MLC as we say, is through it. Often, any interference can just prolong it. If your H is out and about a lot, partying it up, OW, living like a teenager... then that would be what's called "replay".
Read some of the threads in the MLC forum. You may get some further insight into some of the behaviours so that if it IS MLC, you know what to expect. Also, you might be able to say, "absolutely, I see it IS MLC" or you may realize he's not showing any similarities to MLC.
You've been so kind and helpful. Thank you for everything.
I think my H is going through an early MLC triggered by some rough times we had to go through in the past.
He's started contacting me again, and wants to take a day off to spend time together. It's a huge change from a month ago.
I put some stuff he wanted to take out in the garage so it would be easier for him to take, and he didn't take it. I guess he'll have to take it at some point, because my move is coming up. At least where I'm going is spacious enough for the two of us if we turn things around.
I'll give this more time. In the meantime, I've met so many new people, and I'm actually having fun. I think my H has been following my pictures on Facebook and is curious about my new group of friends (which includes single men.)
So, wish me luck on this journey. I will continue GAL'ing and making changes (which he has noticed) and hoping for the best.
The future challenge will be to communicate what I need him to change--i.e. stop flirting with other women, stop sharing private stuff with women at work who have crushes on him, leave some time in his sports schedule for our marriage, and be willing to compromise on some of our differences. But that will come later--if things continue improving.
We talk here about how the work is the same, whether WAS or MLC. And for us, it is. We fix things that we don't like about ourselves. We get better at things we DO like about ourselves. We detach as necessary to emotionally ride out what ever is coming.
What IS different is, a WAS can change and be drawn to us in significant and positive ways because they see they might be a fool to leave this new, "better" us. They will be cautious at first, but it is likely to be steady movement towards us. Observable results which are likely due to our changes, can be seen.
Where as a MLCer, our actions aren't necessarily going to have any noticeable affect on them which is consistent, over time. They may like our changes and be nice to us and then for some unknown reason, they're spewing at us. This can happen when things that have nothing to do with us trigger the MLCer and they decide to take it out on their spouse, whether they think their spouse is to blame, or not. MLC just takes time and detaching and trying to stay disconnected from their process and behaviours, even being somewhat entertained by them (privately and on this board) can go a long way to keeping us sane.
Keep doing what you are doing. What ever you do, try your best not to attempt to manipulate your H's perception of you. Just be genuine and "as if" the M is over. If he's WAS, his tune could change over this. If's he's MLC, you may just see the touch and go behaviours.
It is OK to consider what the future might bring and what conversations you may have. What you need to be very clear about is, until he indicates that he wants to get back together with you, those things can just be barriers to you accepting him back if it happened. Until then, he is not coming back, so those thoughts are just... well... thoughts...
Yes, good luck. Keep GALing and work on some 180s and the future will be better, regardless of the outcome of your sitch. And keep us up to date as things change.
Thank you so much. I will post again when something significant happens. We're going to spend a day together again after about 2 1/2 months, so that's a milestone. I'm looking forward to it, and will enjoy the moment without thinking about the future too much.
Hi. The day with my H went great. We get along really well. He did not contact me for two days after but said he had been thinking about me. He stopped by a couple of days ago when he was in the area, and then went back to not contacting me. He said whatever we had going on was "weird."
I've continued pursuing my own interests, and have been busy preparing for my move. Should I do anything different? Should I be initiating any contact at this point?
