Much to ponder. Solid question Yail. I am not sure I have an answer yet. There are a lot of plates on sticks right now.
Not sure about long term work due to the internship being ten weeks and half done. Couch surfing for living arrangements, see first sentence.
Her lawyer quit and my lawyer is asking how I want to proceed. Yes, you are correct Yail, I don't want the D. I dob;t want to push her away more by pushing for too much. Also not to be a doormat.
My therapist asked me what I want to work on. Self respect... confidence... portraying wanting her rather than needing her...
Is she having doubts? I don't know. Mahal can be stubborn and strong willed. She is fearless, brave and smart in ways I am not. Yes she is beautiful. Yet she has her flaws. I wasn't surprised her lawyer was filipina, yes, the one who quit.
Lots of people telling me she isn't who I believe her to be. Our kids, family, my Dr (she knows both of us) friends. .
So why do I want to stay married? Nostalgia? Avoiding the unknown? Answers I don't have yet.
Wow LB, she sounds pretty similar to my H. Guilty at such scummy, immoral behaviour, wanting to look important and in control to outsiders. No wonder they avoid us since we know the truth about them! That sounds like a good thing to say to your parents.
Oh hope, I hope you are OK. That is so very, very hard for you, my heart goes out to you (and TBH I am expecting to be in the same place as you at some stage and I hope I handle it with as much strength as you have). I know what you mean about thinking your H will one day wake up and hate himself for these actions, we know the good men they have been before this pain and cruelty and it is so hard to see them destroy their lives and their families when it goes against all their values. But we are not in a place to rescue them, we have to leave them be and live for ourselves. This is definitely the hardest thing we have ever faced, but we are strong, strong women who can act with dignity and compassion and bravery in the face of this agony. Big big hugs ((()))
Hamburg,thank you for writing all that about MLC and doctors. Very interesting. And you write about it with real clarity and truth. Maybe one day you can write an article about it, like that page in the NYTimes where doctors write a sort of first-person narrative about a medical situation.
Have you ever read A Country Doctor's Notebook by Bulgakov? It's one of my favorites, I think you would like it! I also love this story so much and often teach it --
If link gets erased, it's "A Doctor's Visit" by Anton Chekhov.
And as far as what you just wrote about OM. WOW. Not surprising but so awful, so gross, so low. No wonder you were so shocked and so hopeless. On the other hand, it is obviously only a matter a time before that ends. It's so clear what that is all about, so classic MLC. The only question is how many years it will take, and if she will heal afterwards.
And I hear you on the inability to get anything reasonable done via the courts. They seem to only want to step in when there is physical violence or drugs or arrests. But maybe your W will enable that, dating a man like that!
I can imagine how painful it was for you to see that. But at least you know it's not about you. She is doing the classic down-trade of the MLC-er.
Am at the hospital with my 16 year old, the one that wonít speak to my husband. This day started in the ER and she didnít want him to know. It ended with a transfer to a childrenís hospital so I told him. I told him she wonít talk to him so he waited outside. I kept him updated but heís so angry. I donít know him anymore. The nurses here were confused so me and my 2 daughters were talking bad about him like we always do. He honed in on mine saying he had some hope and now he has none. Itís crap though because he was pissed off before he got here. He snapped at our 13 year old.
I try so hard to stay away from him and yet this is 2nd bad thing that has thrown us together in 1.5 months. Why? Why must I be tortured like this? I have zero reasons to talk to him unless itís an emergency. 2 emergencies? Really? Why why why. Heís so angry so very angry. Today yes I screwed up but it wouldnít have mattered. He says he has seen no changes yet we never see each other. By changes he means our 16 year old talking to him. Thatís why I say this is crap. Heís angry because we spoke the truth. By vilifying me he doesnít have to look in the mirror. Iíve looked in the mirror and I am changing for the better. He has turned into someone I donít know
Not sure how should I be during that time and.... Should I initiate any conversation? If she talks about things, what should I do? How to deal with awkward silence which I am sure will be there for most part?
Would you have a chat about your relationship and what is going on if you went to the zoo with someone that isn't your partner? If not, then just chat about whatever you would chat about with a friend that you went to the zoo with.
If she starts a conversation, you can just listen and validate her feelings. If she starts attacking and blaming, tell her the conversation needs to be over. Be able to walk away if needed.
Fill the awkward silence with conversation with your daughter. Awkward silence being filled is a needy thing. Be pleasant and present, but you don't have to talk all the time just to fill the silence.
You are there to make the day about your daughter. Make it about her. If W joins you and is pleasant, then it is still about your daughter. If she is nasty and leaves, it is still about your daughter. If she wanders off and gets eaten by a tiger, it is still about your daughter. Be the dad you want to be for her.
Nothing else to add for today. OH, there were two more notifications: woman's flip flops arrived. And items have been shipped Hibiscus Tea & a yellow T-Shirt. Interesting. I'm just kind of laughing it off at this point.
As mentioned previously, I text H due to an emergency. I sent him a screenshot of an emergency alert that was sent to me. He replied back with a few sentences and are you guys okay? Yes, was my reply. H text something else, a statement. I didn't reply. Didn't see the need.
Tomorrow. Can't even think about tomorrow with this fire business going on around us. The smell of smoke is everywhere. I can't wait to get some fresh air.
Keep doing things with friends or go do something on your own. I sometimes too have trouble focusing when with friends. The old "faking it" version of yourself. The worst is being around couples. (for me anyway).
Skydiving is awesome! I did it along time ago, remember the RUSH being with me for days! Not something I would do right now, being the only parent here for d3, but perhaps something else, like join the gym...lol..that's scary for me.
Oh to have the freedom to do anything! I remember those days.
Yes indeed he could and probably would. WAS's, and in particular men going through MLC, can be very sneaky. They will say things like that because they want YOU to tell THEM when YOU meet someone. They on the other hand want to keep what they are doing completely secret.
No doubt that he wants to keep it a secret. Affairs thrive in secret! Once the affair is known the fun of it starts to go away and shame comes out.
Here's to hoping the affair comes to light soon. It's his mess to clean up, not mine.
BTW going out with friends this weekend. By myself!
She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together.
This is where validations should kick in. I like the AGREE method recommended by coach.
h:"I agree. I don't know what we were thinking"
She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work.
I would stick to my morals.
H:FWB doesn't work for me. I think it is best if we just move on"
.....but I'm curious as to what made you change your mind so quick? And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that. I told her I understood but I had to hang up and get back to work.
Asking the question got you some good Intel. I think it is better not to ask any questions. If you made the statement above, the convo would have went in a different direction.
.... and I told her I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again.
Please do not tell her anything like this again. Listen and validate...DO NOT ARGUE or push your point of view or talk about how she hurts you.....
Tonight she texted me and asked how I was.
Your response from now on is "I am doing great." And do not respond immediately.
2 hours later: "Hey, just saw this...doing great... ttyl"
I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me
.Next change, H"I changed my mind about FWB. I got to go...ttyl"
Based on this then I retract my previous post for now. Stop all pressure and pursuit for now. Let some time go by.
D the thing is that my W said that stuff too. I have a screen shot of her online dating profile (complete with a picture!) where she talks about how she is still married but she is done with the marriage. That she can't start dating yet but wanted to see what was out there, that she will be dating in the future once the D was done. In the meantime she was enjoying my company, watching TV with me, etc. 6 weeks after she created that profile, she was back committed to the MR. It can happen, but she has to come to that realization herself. There is nothing you can do to fix it.
Steve, why do you think your wife recommitted to the MR so quickly? Is there any information there that we can glean from this?