Hey, I thought I'd revisit this thread, in case anyone was curious how it's all ending up. I had told my wife that I would file the divorce paperwork, but I had a really heavy heart and was dragging my heels about it. After consulting with my therapist, I decided to write her an e-mail and ask her one last time if she'd be willing to reconsider and go to marriage counseling with me. I told her I missed her and that I thought there was a possibility for us to work through things to a place where we could be happy. After a few days she responded and said that after some consideration she still wanted to go through with the divorce, and she asked me to let her know when I had filed the paperwork. So last Monday I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce. I still have to serve the paperwork to her, which I will probably do today (so she can sign some things and return it to the court).
I am sad about how things have turned out, but I do feel a sense of relief. I would have been willing to work on things if she had agreed to do so, but I have a feeling it would have been a very difficult experience, not just for me but also for my son, and I wouldn't have been very optimistic about the outcome, given her current mental state.
Thanks to everyone on this board who offered advice and empathy. I appreciate it.
Juju, Iíve followed your story for a while and yeah itís crazy how much gets uncovered. Iíve always wanted to let you know how much I empathize with what youíve gone through.
Itís maddening how my ex did so much scheming up to bd. So much financial infidelity. And yet.... I came out as the terrible wife who he needed to divorce after the years and years of me walking on egg shells around him. My whole life was tuned upside down and he walks away scot free. So maddening. I couldnít even imagine going through it with a child.
Anyway... Wanted to pop in with a fun dB reminder.
I had a meeting this morning with the man who drives me crazy at work. Heís belittling and dismissive. Just awful. I was dreading this meeting and I knew it was going to be a doozy because we had a lot to catch up on and I knew exactly what items he was going to rant about. Anyway, I was preparing myself to set a boundary and was prepared to speak up for me and my assistant because he treats up both like weíre not even human.
Anyway, as I was preparing for the meeting, I told myself that I was going to ďact as ifĒ instead. I decided to be happy and super upbeat and even light hearted. I thought I could kill him with kindness.
And it worked!!! The condescension was replaced with kindness and appreciation. At the end of the meeting, he even took the time to gossip about corporate politics. Mmhmmmm not that I wanted to hear any of it...and it was so typical of him to talk poorly about others. But I acted as if... got on his good side.... and now I can go through the rest of my day feeling ok.
the ending of a relationship, brief as it was definitely triggered some emotional regression and a bit of depression. However my situation is far different now than it was this time last year, things are going really well at my new job. I finally have a new vehicle and a new apartment which I know I posted a lot about throughout the year last year needing those things. I'm still having trouble with my budget and this is one thing I am very much resolved to fix. There are still some lifestyle changes that I can make to be a better person. quitting smoking will save money and health. I have had a large desire to create lately I want to start writing again and get my blacksmithing Forge up and running. I'm almost sorely tempted to just put my TV in my closet. Although I don't waste a whole lot of time on television the little bit I do spend could be better used. barely staying afloat financially on a constant basis certainly adds to my stress level. I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier which has helped. oddly I have been experiencing the stomach twisty feelings again and the first time I can honestly say I have no idea why. It doesn't hurt when you overhear your boss speaking your Praises at your new job
Good idea picking up your personal belongings. It was nice to tell MIL what you did, and I know you meant it. This crisis is hard on lots of people around the MLCer, her parents are in a difficult spot.
Wís reply towards sonís birthday is pretty typical. They donít like to share their plans. I wouldnít be surprised if she does show up, she very well could, and it is much more dramatic with ďIíll let you knowĒ (and a little disrespectful). Just breathe, itís hard to take as the MLCer tries to make everthing about them, because to them it is. That being said, keep expectations at zero, and make it a great Birthday no matter what happens.
Sometimes we don't value that which comes easy. It sounds like there wasn't much of a challenge with her when you started dating which could have been part of the problem. I bet you would look at her differently if she was more aloof, maybe not always available, if she gave you the impression that you were not that important in her life.
From what I read everything seemed to be going fine between you guys until you met her kid. Unless I am missing something I would say you might not be ready for a R yet as your R and your feelings took a downward turn when faced with the prospect of it getting real.
It's very easy to have late night booty calls and dates with no real commitment but taking it to another level coming fresh out of an 8 yr relationship is tough.
It has been 2 years since my XW left and my D has been final for just over a year and I am still struggling with it.
Okay, good to hear. Maybe the dynamic of the 4 Horsemen was extremely intense your relationship the over time.
I will say, the 4 horsemen were regular visitors in my MR too. And my W referred to it as "verbal" and "emotional" abuse. Now I in my opinion those two accusation get thrown around way to loosely by WASs. But it does show you how their perception of those behaviors is shaped over time. I've always viewed contempt as the cornerstone of the four horseman. And what causes us to develop contempt is Nice Guy Syndrome. I highly suggest reading that book ASAP.
Every time I read a new poster like this, I see myself and thousands before me with their situations on here. Everything the W's say and do, it is almost as if they're following a script in a tragic comedy play. Sorry you are here. Buckle up. Give plenty of time and space, do not initiate R talks at all costs. Like all the same mistakes we've made here. Focus on you and detach. Interact as little as possible to be pleasant and accommodating when necessary. Be sparse with your text messages interactions and words. From our experience here, usually the person closest to our WAS will wind up taking the blame and the hit for why the WAS is so unhappy with their lives. Give them space and do not give them any reason to further justify why they feel the way they do about the M. Set boundaries and validate what they're feeling because it is their perception as much as it feels counterintuitive to what your truth and experience is.
They have to come to realize on their own without any of your interference persuasion or influence that you are not the problem why they're unhappy. They need to feel a sense of loss. Let them go, and differentiate yourself from the relationship. You can't win them back you can't nice them back you can't mean them back, and you can't convince them back it is their negative absolute perception and they have to figure it out on their own through time and space. Good luck to you. Try to make changes for you. Be the change you want to see in your spouse for the better regardless of the outcome. I know it's hard but try to detach yourself from the outcome and make yourself the best version possible of you. Myself and other veterans will be in touch as I'm only in 7 months here. I'm a nubie, but I read everyone's sich. Buckle up it's going to be a long ride and protect your best interest. There is a saying around here believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.
Here is a copy of the new link. Please offer advice vets I really appreciate it. I know later which I will only see her for a few minutes when I leave she will bring up why I took both days or how selfish I am. How should I respond to that when it comes up?
My husband of 23 years announced he ďwas seeing someone elseĒ in early February. He moved out the same day and told me and our children that he was going to start a life with her and her children.
Hello, have you read DR? Hopefully you know not to beg/ plead/ reason/ explain/ negotiate. It won't help! You've got to leave him alone.
He knew nothing about this woman at all and as soon as I looked up her name I found a lengthy arrest record for herself as well as her husband. My husband knew none of this and since he has a long career in Law Enforcement he is not allowed to associate with her let alone live with her. He has not let it stop him at all. My once perfectionist husband is now living in a filthy, dilapidated shack in the mountains about 75 miles from our home and his work with this woman and her 2 young children.
Did he say anything about why he wasn't happy in the marriage or did he just skip out? I have heard of this happening before, usually they don't leave right away like that but it happens.
He rarely speaks to his children at all and when he does he acts as though itís very inconvenient to spend time with them. Very uncharacteristic for him because he was a very doting father up until last October.
What are your ages and the ages of your kids? Sounds like he may be in MLC.
My IC has said that I should notify his commander of his behavior. Iím worried that since he is doing something that is against his rules that he would lose his career which I do not want to do.
Yeah that would likely destroy his career, which he may very well be on the way to doing anyway (usually when someone is that extreme in their MLC behavior their work is affected as well). I don't see any benefit to you or the kids in doing that, but potentially it could "burn the bridge" in him ever coming back. So I would suggest not doing that.
Please try to fill in more info when you can, the more we know the better we can assist.