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Just finished my third nap of the day. It was a doozie of a week (actually 2 weeks) so I desperately needed some lazy naps in the sun with the pup. I’m groggy but rested.
I’m always on the fence about sharing details of my life here since my sitch is so specific. On the other hand, I’m being honest.. I just run the risk of ex suing me for making him look bad. I guess at the end of the day, that just speaks volumes about his character.
Anyway, ex was sanctioned again. The judge said she was extremely frustrated by his delay tactics and his efforts to evade the court.
Hmm for the guy who keeps insisting that he wants to move this along as quickly as possible.... he knows what needs to be done but he just won’t do it.
I felt bad that he was scolded at court (he didn’t show), but the sanctions are going to help me tremendously. I already feel a weight lifted from me. It’s not going to cover all my legal fees, just about 3 months worth, and I’ll take it.
Finally. I’ve had this brick of anxiety in my chest for awhile now and it’s now subsiding. I’m so grateful. I feel it fading away. It’s like I can breathe again.
Now to rebuild my strength for the next phase of all of this which should commence in about 2 months (I hope).
For now, I’m just going to enjoy the peace of the day. I’ll leave all my chores and to-dos for tomorrow.
Campus is my home now. I've worked here about a year and a half, and over the past 6 months or so I've started to feel like I'm a critical team member. Since W moved out, I find myself seeking out campus activities I can participate in, seeking out ways I can connect to these great coworkers, and seeking out meaningful interactions with students.
It's wonderful. It really, really is. I feel like I'm seen, I feel like I'm heard. I want to volunteer and put in the work to make this place vibrant for the students, because it makes ME feel vibrant. I never wanted to be an educator (I'm not - I'm staff), but I have found that college is such a great age group of young adults to work with. I remember so clearly my own passion, and I watch these bright students fight for their own voices to be heard.
I manage a team of 4 or 5 students which is my own little squad of kick-butt kiddos. I think they all feel very comfortable coming to me with questions and problems (I hope). I do have one who needs a bit of managing - he's young, he is making some mistakes and needs some guidance. It's good for me to develop these skills in how to critique others while still being encouraging. I think I'm doing okay by him, but I still seek out support from other managers when I want recommendations.
Several months ago I was filmed as part of the staff LGBTQA Alliance. The alliance is making a short film where we talk about our experiences being queer and on campus from the "adult" point of view. I was proud of myself for speaking up and volunteering to be videotaped. Next up I've signed-up to tell my Coming Out story to the LGBTQA Student alliance. The club leader put out a special plea for staff/faculty participation to balance the student stories. I'm nervous but excited about telling my own story to these kids - because I was also in college when I came out to my family. It's a defining moment in anyone's life.
Of course, as Femme woman I "come-out" nearly daily. Folks would not know I'm gay looking at me. Just yesterday we had a snow storm and a coworker joked that I'd have to get my husband to plow our driveway. *Sigh*. Wrong on both counts. Not a Husband, and not really married right now. It was an honest mistake, but kind of sobering for me.
Today I spent half the day in the gorgeous library doing my own homework. Tomorrow I'm going to support one of the college's sports clubs. What a great Sunday plan. It's the crazy time in the semester where all offices start to really ramp-up production, and you start to really feel the energy as students are busting their butts to get to the finish line. I love the energy. I love the snow melting and the buds on trees. I love that on Monday there's an informal "get coffee and chat with coworkers just for fun" meeting that is on everyone's calendar.
Holy cannoli. Today went to hell in a hand basket.
After my last post, we all went to lunch - H, S17 & nephew who came to help work cows.
When we got back to the house, I went in to take a shower and told H I was going to take a nap. He came in while I was in the shower and said he was going to nap too and was looking for some clothes. when I came out of the bathroom, he was in our bed. No big deal, we still sleep together on vacations, trips, etc. I'm trying to sleep, he reaches for me, I reach back and all of a sudden he says "I can't". I stopped and said "you don't want to?" He said "I want to. I just can't. It makes this too hard"
Oh my word. I am his wife! I felt really hurt by the rejection. So I said, "OK" and went to the store to get out. Asked him if he wanted anything, picked up some things for us both and when I got back, he acted like nothing happened, but I could see it all over him that he was hurting, too.
Then he asked me to go out to feed the cows. I did. While out there I said..."you know what? You have been very clear and very honest about where you are. You said quite some time ago that you feel like you are using me when we have S and that you hate yourself for it later. I do not want to add to any bad feelings you have. I'm sorry for my part in what happened earlier"
He apologized, too. then i said (because I can't seem to help myself"...yes. rejection stinks, but it's you not me, because anyone who wouldn't hit this has the problem" and we both laughed.
After that, he sat on the porch with me and we talked about the kids, the grandkids and the flowers etc. He left her and I felt better, but have decided that no matter what he does or how I feel...I'm not having S with him again.
I am a little sad about that. A lot sad, TBH. Feels like another nail in the M coffin. But I know that I don't want to feel that rejection again.
Going to go to bed early tonight. A lot of driving for work and long hours, and not getting enough sleep is catching up with me. And I never did get my nap today.
Hoping for an awesome sermon tomorrow and looking forward to serving coffee and then have a beauty appointment. I do enjoy doing that for myself.
It's very hard when you don't see an improvement, I think that's why everyone here encourages us to focus on our own growth/improvement.
I don't think DBing means move on. I read it to be GAL, focus on what you can control - yourself. Be the best you possible. One guy says it best "be a man only a fool would leave". I understand you just want your family back. That is the painful part.
When I am stuck there, I re-read the newcomers links that they put on your first post. Especially the detachment. It's not giving up, it's letting them go on their journey. They must. We can't pull them back. At the same time, you are on your own journey. It's not what you asked for, but you are doing the best you can with your sitch. being more healthy and looking better is amazing, it might not feel like enough right now, but I wish you could be proud of yourself for that. Not everyone looks to make themselves better during this stuff. You made a choice. I hope you can take pride in that.
ovrrnbw, Adam - thanks for your responses. I am doing better now. I will look for the old threads and read. In the self-help group on FB I also read a few stories where after a very long time things got better and that the couples found to each other again. It's nice to know that it isn't totally impossible.
Yesterday W came over to where I am sitting in the morning and we had a really good talk. Now that she works as health insurance claims processor we talk about how services get paid and she mentioned that there is still a drastic difference in coverage of mental health care versus regular health care although that is not allowed by law. Eventually we got to talk about our therapists and that we are happy with them and further down the conversation I told her that I went to a psychiatrist and that two doctors diagnosed me with MDD and that I take Wellbutrin. It wasn't really a secret. I keep the orange pill bottle in my lunch bag that hangs off a chair in the kitchen. I do enjoy the talks we have in the morning and I think she does as well. I am the only one she can talk to about her new job, maybe some of her online friends. I doubt that OM would understand anything about it. So I make extra effort to listen to what she says and ask question about things, showing a genuine interest. It is nice to see how she perked up with working full time now. Sure, she complained that some of the training was boring, but they soon will get to process claims with someone sitting next to them to help. Eventually she has to do 40 claims a day, which is easily doable. She got paid for the first time and to my surprise she has the money deposited in the shared account. She said that she wants to focus on paying off her CC debt (which is substantial, but not unmanageable). She bought a few new clothes for work, which is perfectly fine and it was nothing super fancy and expensive. I like that, so I decided that I will keep my contributions at the same level, including paying for her school loan. She wants to tackle this and I want to support her in her effort. She also takes the kids out once in a while, so that will cover things like that. She did ask about the tax return and wondered if I need any more help. I told her that I got the money back a month ago and used it to pay off other debt, which I did. Finances are stabilizing, so good on that part.
Work sucked the past week and once I just lost it. One of the development managers was complaining that the task list was unmanageable because there are so many bug reports. I responded that this is self-inflicted and that did not go over too well. My boss was not pleased, but I told him that I really have no sympathy for such complaints, especially since the initial quality of the code I get is rather dismal. The entire department is under a lot of stress and top management demands that we work faster, but that just generates more errors that QA reports on or that get picked up by customer since QA doesn't get enough time to test properly. I understand that me getting all snippy doesn't help, but I am in a rather rough spot anyway. I am the only one who is well qualified to test all products we sell. So I get to do everything and I work on three teams although I am not a member on any of them. Each team operates vastly different and they all seem to think that I am available 100% for them. On Monday we start with regression tests before release and that is already stress pure, but before we start all new development has to get completed. I got the last stuff on Thursday and it was not working right, so last fixes came on Friday. We also move to a new test environment that is a tad more annoying to use and was not functional when I left on Friday. I can only hope that magic happens and we can go on Monday. I doubt it, and the time lost does not get added at the end. So before we even started we are already behind. Sadly, this is nothing new, it happens each time and I stopped counting how many times I complained about it and made reasonable suggestions on how to improve process. It used to be that I could just go home and find a stress-free environment, but I no longer have that buffer. So it is rather difficult to find a means to let go, forget, and relax.
Talked to the therapist about this as well and my spouts with feeling really angry. He gave some good advice, but above all he really pulled me off the vertex going down. Very much appreciated that.
GAL is continuing. Today I went to another meetup where we mimic TED talks. Basically, anyone can do a presentation about anything. The organizer did a presentation about how cultural upbringing influences our values and beliefs and how that mental model influences what we accept as truth. His presentation was not that great, but the topic was interesting. I gave a presentation about stamps and stamp collecting, people seemed to like it. Well, how often do you get to smell a strawberry stamp from Germany that smells like strawberries. It was recorded and will go on YouTube eventually....I did put the nice shirt on.
Made pizza for everyone, W even got up for that. In about half an hour I go and see Walpurgis again. That is the band my coworker plays in. They play a pub that is about 20 minutes away...and since I have nothing else planned for tonight.
Tomorrow I will finally go for it and give my son some pink hair. So that will be interesting. Other than that...found my interest in Therapy? again....I just love their sound and their somewhat interesting lyrics.
I find it fascinating that she doesn’t talk to you, yet sends pictures of an event she knows you attended. How interesting too that you can see the childish impatience. I recall your post a while ago about how she used to be so appropriate at these things.
I miss piano recitals. Sounds like you and your talented daughter had a great time.
Well all progress lost. W had ameeting with her L and we are back to square one.
She now wants me to provide all previously listed amounts, she is now asking for backpay to the date she filed for all bills and utilities that she paid for to live at the house. That I was restrained from living in. This is so stupid.
Has it in her head that she is entitled to everything we have and I should t have anything because this is my fault.
I saw this a few days ago, but didn’t have a chance to comment.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
It's still an odd feeling to feel alone..some days I still wake up and I can't believe my husband is gone. I often feel sad when my neighbors, colleagues, and friends complain about such menial things in their lives and yet they have loving husbands caring for them and helping them. A partnership is such a wonderful thing. Life is already difficult as it is. To share it with someone is just so great. I don't know if I'll ever have that again.
I do agree with you, that having someone to share life with is really great. It’s my hope that both of us can find that again, and I believe that you will, too, even if it takes some time (and I would need to prepare myself for that, as well).
In the meantime, I would like to encourage you to make yourself the best you can be; for yourself, but also for your D. You both deserve the best, and for you to be the best person for her. She will need that for the young woman she is to be in the future.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
One father of a kid at my daughter's school took care of his kids for two weeks alone while his wife was away. We see each other almost every day so I'd ask how it was going and he'd complain about how hard it was. When his wife got back I asked her where she went and she said "a yoga retreat in Bali." I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a few hours since she was born, which I don't regret, but I can't imagine having such a reliable husband that I'd feel comfortable going away for two weeks. It must be really, really great to have such a husband!
My W (or STBXW?) goes away for work fairly often—sometimes works 2nd shift, sometimes does overnights, or goes away for a couple of days, a few weeks (4 weeks or 30 days), or has even done up to 3 months away (about 90 days), and she will be looking to again do so this September, up through December, for training for another position / promotion (she will be gone for 3 months or so this fall).
My L is a successful, accomplished L and career woman—and even she can’t fathom why W would want to be gone for stretches like that.
Earlier, in my MR, I was more grumbly and complain-y about it (and I probably shouldn’t have); but over the last couple of years, I’ve come to more of a place of acceptance, and even in the last couple of weeks, there have been instances where she’s needed me to take care of both of the boys because she has work stuff going on. W asked me about it, and I told her “that will not be a problem.”
It’s not exactly easy, but it gets easier, and I’ve learned to manage and cope better; in light of recent events, I’m also trying to embrace the extra time with them, and realize that for myself this is a glimpse into my probable future, so I should learn to accept and embrace it more.
Date tonight with the Dr. Going somewhere local since we are getting a late start. She referred to herself today as my girlfriend so I guess that is a done deal. I didn't correct her or say anything to contradict so I guess I am now in my first port D relationship!!
Needless to say not sure how I should feel but it is different than 20 years ago when I was young, kid free and care free. I don't feel all emotionally spun up, that I need to see her every waking hour of every waking day and am hanging on her every word. That said I do feel extremely and fortunate that our paths did cross. She is a good mom, a good person, is stable, obviously has a good career, no ex husband drama and I could go on so etc. etc.
That said it is scary and as Andrew said sometimes I feel as though I am way over my head and other times I feel really good about it. I get anxious/nervous before I see her but after we are out and I have had a couple of drinks I am able to relax and enjoy myself.
So just a bit more of an update. Haven't seen the W since EA discovered. She left the house and hasn't been back since with the exception of yesterday while I was at work but was gone before I got home. Communication has been pretty much non existent with the exception of a few texts she sent that I haven't responded to. Other then that I'm out enjoying the day today at Busch gardens with my mom and gonna see a concert they are having tonight.
/journaling while at RE Congress, taking a break between sessions
Will be going by Adoration and Confession in a little bit, and then the ‘Contemplative Dating’ workshop as my last workshop of the day today.
It’s really great to be with FF, even if it’s only for the weekend. She’s a help around the place, asking what needs to be done, offering to help cook, and is great with the boys, and even when we parked this morning, she took a pic of where we parked (I did that yesterday, and again today—I explained to her that that’s what I do so I remember where I parked). I’m also doing my best to help her—I’ve been walking / guiding her around to her sessions—it’s difficult to get through sometimes even on good days. She told me she really appreciated my doing that for her—I’ve been there, trying to make it on my own at stuff like this, and I always tried to be very receptive and grateful for the help, so I’m trying to pay it forward.
Like I mentioned earlier, it’s really nice to be with a woman around my age with whom I can have mature conversations. I’m also reminded of deep her spirituality is, which is refreshing. FF still doesn’t know anything about my sitch, but one thing she has brought up a few times during spending time with her is that she has experience doing annulments (she was trained to do annulments for a previous parish position). /gulp It’s gonna be rough telling her about my sitch when I do.
I know yesterday I talked about the potential of asking W about Retrouvaille—and I’ll admit, I’m not sure how good of an idea it is. That is something I will continue to take to continued prayer / reflection / thought. One thing one of the H’s at the Retrouvaille booth asked me yesterday was: “You two still in the same house?” Me: Yes. He then asked what living arrangements will look like once the D goes through. I’ve given it some thought; I’m not sure if she has.
But then, she may also have a plan that I don’t know about. One thing I’ll have to watch in the next few days is our joint bank account—today is her pay day, and I noticed her payroll hasn’t hit yet. To be fair, some days it appears later—it takes a few hours on a Saturday, or it may even show up on Sunday or later. What is most likely, and what I’m concerned about, is that she has cut me off financially, and diverted her direct-deposit paycheck to another account. If she does, then I will have to be the responsible party for the rent, and I’ll have to keep track of it and have her half of it into the D judgment (she still lives under the roof with us). I’ll have to check with L on this one, but probably after I see how this weekend shakes out. Good thing I’ll be on Spring Break, so I can get cracking on stuff like that.
There is a book here at one of the vendors about Pope Francis and annulments, and I’ll have to take a look at it. I forgot to mention this, but last week at the library book sale, I picked up a book about meditations for singles. Talks about being single in a couples’ world.
That said, I’m going to talk out of both sides of my mouth, and it is also nice to see around me all sorts of lovely-looking women. I know I still have miles to go in my sitch, and who knows what will happen next, but there is at least a flicker of hope, in general. If this makes me sound like a WAS on my own, then so be it.
Maybe you can't see it in yourself, but you are still trying to control her. You are still trying to talk you way out of this mess. Emotional pressure and pursuit is not the answer to this problem.
I reread your first post, and I think she had already made the decision to leave you. She was looking for a place, but before she found one.....you tell her that you agree that things aren't working and you think she should leave. You chose not to disclose your knowledge of her one night stand. Maybe b/c she would figure out you were still snooping? IDK, but the point is that confronting her now, or trying to talk to her about compulsive behavior is not going to help the status of your MR. It won't cause her to respect you more.
You need to let go of this idea of confronting her about the latest PA. If it didn't do any good on the first one, it's not going to make much difference on the latest one. IMHO, you forfeited the best time to bring it up, so now that she's in the process of moving out.........don't give her a "parting shot".
You're doing well, Dilly. I think it's good that you're thinking all this through, and talking it over with your IC and that you're considering how equal the contact is and how much of your H's issues are to do with your marriage and how much are just to do with him. I guess at some point you need to decide if you want a man like him - you have a long long history, and he is making small changes, and the man he is now isn't capable of the marriage you want, though perhaps there are small signs he is moving in that direction. I get how you'd both be so afraid of going back to the past, and yet not quite able to take a leap of faith forward into a different future. Perhaps the holiday in April will be a real watershed point - both in terms of his work stuff being a bit less demanding at that point, and you both having a decent stretch of time together in a way that you haven't done for a long time. And April isn't that long away now. I think you might have a lot of clarity after that point.
Yes - I was so desperate for my marriage to work and so urgently needed him to stop doing the things he was doing that were hurting me. A mature and assertive response would have been to move away from him - to set some boundaries to protect myself from his bile and nastiness. But I wasn't healthy enough to do that - instead I defended, cajoled, convinced, persuaded, cried - all the usual stuff. And all that just triggered more nastiness from him. I don't do any of that any more. I do kind of wish I'd left him, or forced him to leave, much much much earlier as I am not sure if the damage we've done to each other is reparable. I hope it is, but I can't change the past.
Had GAL today and it was lovely. Really enjoyed my time with the kids. It's a bit sad to think of him alone and working - or processing, or whatever it is he's doing - and not enjoying that with us. Even when he's with youngest they don't really do anything fun together. He's just so little capacity at the moment. I am doing my best with the encouragement but I don't expect much from him at the moment and I don't think that's going to change for a while. We will see how the therapy goes tomorrow. I am feeling pretty anxious that he'll just use it to unload on me - as he did when we went to MC - but I know I won't tolerate that any more, and I also want to go into it with an open mind and ready to listen. And knowing in my heart I am moving forward and every day takes me away from that misery I was trapped in, and today that feels good even though the future is so uncertain.
Definitely not a tactic. I just do not care about our relationship anymore. I have been too busy focusing on me and the kids that I don’t think about her much except when she texts me or tries calling. Just not in love with her anymore. I am going to take a few weeks to pull the trigger but doing all my research on refi of house, value of cars, etc to get my romana es ready plus spousal support for a couple years. I am completely detached right now. I know it is a continuous battle but she has made it easier being so rude and hateful. My self worth is more than what she is treating me so I will move on and be better for it. Much of luck in your sitch.
So, I did hear from ex via text but in a how’s it going sort of way - he did remain friends with his exes so I would like that for us maybe. I don’t think either of us like the idea of discarding people from our lives. I know we won’t work as a couple though. I felt anxious and depressed the last months of our relationship. But it’s weird for me to not have someone to do things with.
I got my hair cut and balayaged, signed up for some yoga classes, signed up for a monthly massage service. I feel a little guilty spending like that but It falls under a self care thing and I pick up extra cases to cover it. I do feel a bit lonely. My friends are al at busy times in their lives so I’m not really socializing.
Well, today he is back to his normal self. I heard from him last at 7pm last night and then this morning when we woke up around 10:30. I told him how my dad had a contractor to come quote some things this morning and I told him what they said about the outlets. He said he could do it without destroying the backsplash in my kitchen and one Saturday he will come and work on it, and this week we will get the stuff we need. Sent me kissy faces and all.
Then he said he will have dinner with us tomorrow after the hike and is back to his sweet self. Who knows what happened? Not going to wonder.
Took D11 shopping today and I have to buy her all junior’s clothes. She’s getting so big and expensive. Tonight she is having her sleepover with the suicide girl. Lots of fun at my house. And tomorrow she is brining that same friend to volunteer at grains of hope with is.
Busy expensive weekend as always. But my kid is pretty happy
I think for the first time, I understand the mindset of a WAS. Until now, I have been stuck at the same place afraid of taking too many risks just in case we ever reconcile. The WAS becomes WA when they get out of that mindset and decide to take a big risk by dropping the Emontional B. And when they do, there is no going back (at least in their minds).
I need to take big risks now. So far, since BD, my courage has been limited to facing my issues and fixing myself. It was all inward looking. I haven’t taken major risks in my outward life.
It’s almost been 2 years since BD. I think it’s time for me to take another big step forward and take more proactive action toward dating and meeting new people.
one of the biggest concerns i have with this debacle is my D14. she really doesn’t want anything to do with her, so i was thinking of sending this to WW...
one of the biggest debacle we both have is the time with D14. i will not restrict or place a cap on whatever time you want to spend time with D14, or wherever you want to take her. holidays, school breaks or anytime you want to have her, you can have her. hoping not to have the courts decide on this. my only concern is, if she refuses or agrees to whenever or wherever you take her, i hope we can respect her decision. time heals all wounds. it is not going to take a month or a couple of months to fix the dynamic between the two of you, but forcing her to have a relationship with you will not help the cause either.
Update... well, Facebook guy and I did try to get together but the traffic gods had other ideas. They did start letting traffic through so he decided to try to get through. I drove to the halfway point and he called me from the line. We talked for about an hour and a half but he had to turn around eventually as he needed to get back to his D13, It was frustrating that he was about a ten minute drive away had the highway been open as usual. It was nice talking to him on the phone but would have been great to have the person in front of me. Anyway...he does get an A for effort. Hopefully I will see him soon. Volunteering this morning at a breakfast for the homeless so gotta get ready. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
So what have I learned from this? I can't make choices about my M based on what others think. I really can't. And I still have some shame to let go of. While that is easy to say, it's not as easy to do.
I agree with this so much, because the shame is present at every step of the way. I'm considering what shame means for me as my W moves towards D. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason we want our spouses back *so* much is to avoid the shame of having failed. And maybe that's why those that start piecing find it so difficult - there is another layer to work through. And then you must determine if you want the M because you want your significant other, or because you want things to be "right" in your world again. I imagine it to be quite conflicting.
I hope I'm not putting words in your mouth, I'm speaking only from what I've read in various folks' threads - not yours in particular.