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So just a general question which can garner probably a simple or complex answer. Throughout the last few months as the process of separation has moved forward and home sale as well, she has gently tried to open up to me and incould sense she was doing this with caution as she was likely getting a temperature check on how I was reacting. Mind you while she did this I would check her messaging dialogues to see where her head was at and if she was carrying on with the same behaviours with OM. I tried being courteous and subtly reminding her that happiness is something that we find within ourselves and looking for it in external sources is not a solution nor does it bring us closer to happiness in the first place. One recurring thing in these conversations was always her suggestion that we somehow remain friends after this is done. Every time I made it abundantly clear that I cannot be friends with the woman that I loved for more than half my life while she's in serious relationships with other men. I do not want to be her shoulder to cry on about the results of her poor choices and bad coping strategy.

A small part of me wants to leave the door open in the future for that being a possibility but only if I see dramatic change and purposeful betterment of herself. I don't want to straddle this fence too haphazardly.
For anyone whos gone to the stage of divorce what has been the most effective approach. Mind you we do not have kids together so there is no need for any further communication. For me its less about knowing how her life choices are going and more to make sure she is ok and not completely destroyed. I believe in karma but it is not something i desire on her, i did towards OM3 because he tried sabotaging reconciliation and he ended up getting a healthy serving of it. This concern for her remains mostly because of the 8 grueling years of failed IVF and coming to the conclusion she couldnt be a mother and I think that coupled with turning 40 created a perfect storm for her having a full blown crisis of which she is coping in the worst way possible.

In terms of healing I feel it is best that at least until I get grounded in Europe once I leave here I should not communicate with her in anyway as me focusing on my new job and reconnecting with family will be a much needed change for me first. I do have a sense that for the last year and a half reality has yet to fully hit her in the face and although I've pushed to move things forward and warned her last year the next flight I take will be one way, it seems by her behaviour she never saw this as a legitimate possibility, likely because she's also living in a blind fog of infatuation from om3 to OM . When I actually am gone, house is officially no longer ours, and legal separation documents are signed and finalized I have a strong sense she will feel the reality of everything being over and losing me forever and I suspect a nervous/mental breakdown is extremely possible. There is no way someone can delay coping with so many things happening simultaneously in the real world that they can hide or run anymore.

I feel like in a catch 22 as in i dont want her life to completely fall apart and even if being together is no longet a ppssibility i dont want her to come out of this destroyed for the rest of her life but i also dont want to expend unneccessary emotional energy when ill be likely still dealing with the emotional reality check that is uprooting my whole life, career, home, end of marriage

Her reaction to all of this could all be projection based on how i am feeling and how reality is starting to hit me of everything happening and maybe transposing my emotional state into her mindset is likely an impossible task, as i dont even think she knows where she is mentally outside of the infatuation fog.

I've been -ruminating- over John Gray's Mars/Venus books interpretation of this. Paraphrased:

~When a woman is stressed she feels a need to talk about her feelings and ALL the possible problems that are associated. No priorities. Not concerned with solutions. Seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. Through exploring her feelings she finds awareness of what is really bothering her. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. If not feeling heard and understood, she may expand further, even to other peoples problems.

Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems~



This year I'm wondering if this isn't a version of testing. i.e. Can you call me on my BS when I am off the rails? Are you stronger than me like I want you to be?

g

You don't control it right now, but it seems to me the advice around here is that the LBS does control the relationship in the end.
And if you haven't gotton to that point yet then it is not the end.


Short posts - that me!!

MamaG, one thing you can do differently is to make a pact with yourself to not initiate anymore relationship talks. They are a cheeseless tunnel. Your mind is tricking you into believing that you need answers. The problem? R talks rarely provide answers. And usually result in even more questions. So it's a vicious cycle. Make the choice to break that cycle

Let this be your guiding principle: Never initiate an R talk. If he does, listen and validate (learn what that is) and nothing more. And be the one to end the discussion.

Really commit to this. LBSs that initiate R talks end up being the most frustrated. Remember, R talks are fruitless and unsatisfying. You probably already know this from your own experience. So learn from that experience.

Sorry you are here, but I'm so glad you found the forum. Lots of good folks here to help.

aphexx,

You have to try to stay busy. Idle time and an unoccupied mind are your biggest threats right now. The posters that have traditionally struggled the most have done GAL the worst. They would sit doing nothing large parts of the day, and then come here and talk about how much they struggle.

Stay busy. Occupy body and mind as much as possible. Get out and hang with friends, read and focus on learning new things. Exercise. Any minute you are sitting doing nothing gives your mind the opportunity to wander and start thinking about things you shouldn't.

Remember, struggling is a choice you get to make. Choosing to stay busy is how you choose not to struggle. It's within your control!

Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.

I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.

Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.

Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.

So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.

Next Thread.

Oh the strange mirroring going on. Similarities and opposites. My W moved herself out of our home. First to a campground and tent for weeks and then to a 5th wheel camper she chose and I paid for from our joint accounts. I did not ask her to. I simply said it is incredibly disrespectful to bring OM, just online mind you, into my HOME. And I am not comfortable with it. She just messaged me one day saying I'm staying at the campground now. She came back during daytimes.

She has been a SAHM and homeschooling since kids, but prior she was a active duty military officer. After kids she stayed in the military reserves until her 20 year mark, where she has an impressive resume. She has a Masters degree.

Now? No job, but trying side gigs dog walking, online editor for hire, uber eats, selling crafts at festivals, etc... almost no income. She signed up for and seems focused on a second Masters degree in a subject with no income potential...

Whatlee, I would suggest after 30 years of wife and mother, you DO have skills. Just not as easy to define on a resume. I the words of someone else, think about your "talent stack." What are the things you are good at? What are the talents that were required as wife and mother? How can you combine them into a talent stack that is useful in different ways or jobs?

I've had to evaluate potential hires for my team in the past. More than their resume listings to be qualified, I looked for how well their attitude and work ethic would fit into my team. I suggest you present yourself that way to places you might like to work. The technical qualifications can often be filled in later. Getting someone who works well with a particular workplace team is a higher priority. You can do it. Don't discount your lifetime skills.

g

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. He showed good emotion and even some empathy (of course this was after being caught in a lie) but non the less more than I have got since this started. And of course is cycling back this last week to jerk mode. Hopefully those cycles will get less and less and shorter like they have been. I remember seeing a thread that amyc posted about here story when she was in her mlc. Does anyone have a link to that thread. I cant seem to find it now. or any other threads of people coming out of their mlc. It helps me a lot mentally to read these stories.

Thanks P. Yes it’s slow and documented.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949723#Post2949723

Hi Folks, Just for starters my mother was very ill from late 2022 till Tues 24th Jan, when she started to improve greatly. I stayed with her bar 3 days starting on Christmas eve. The doc's couldn't find what was wrong with her. Her carer's were not allowed to lift her up, they were only coming in the mornings anyway. So I helped nurse her better. I knew that she was getting better, when she could start to eat some things. She had some of my portion of fish, chips (french fries) & peas.

By the 20th of Jan 2023 I found out my mentor & friend Tom died on the 9th Jan. To the folks who were close to him knew him as the weeping lost sheep evangilist. So his funeral took place on Friday 27th Jan. The day I told the carers I was moving out & they would also now put Mum to bed as well as the morning. On the Friday 27th she also started back at day care (4 days a week).

Well I was the only one in the family apart from my youngest daughter Dawn to have contact with my middle daughter Louise (not their real names). I sent her an email & she replied with the following, titled: I’m going NO contact with you from now on

I can no longer pretend that I’m happy to continue playing my role in our family dynamic. The fog has been lifting for me since my life changed for the better in 2020. I know this will be hard for you to comprehend. There can never be any resolve over the past because I know that you have no desire to make the unconscious, conscious. This is why I can’t be my true self in my interactions with you. For the most part, I’ve been playing the nice ‘good girl’ role since childhood, in order to keep the peace & to keep me safe from harm/conflict. Whilst I’ve given you an indication of why I need to go no contact, I don’t want to go into any more detail because my lived experience as a member of our family is a world away from what you imagine it to be/have been. I know this to be true, as you re-wrote the actual reality of the time when Mum was a member of our family dynamic too. After Mum left, keeping quiet on what I knew to be true about that situation was always a necessary coping mechanism, to ‘keep the peace.’


I want to finish by saying that since early 2021 I’ve been following the guidance of a true spiritual teacher. This is how I’ve managed to find the strength to go no contact with you. I know I found this teacher for a profound reason. Just like I know generational trauma has fallen hard on me for a reason. I am a conscious being & I’m choosing to follow the path of soul ascension. In time, I am going to heal all my wounds. As long as I have a life to live, I’m seeking liberation in every way possible, therefore going no contact with you is a necessary part of the healing journey I’m on.


Going forward please respect my wishes for absolutely no contact in any form. I don’t want to receive any texts, emails, cards, letters, phone calls or voicemails from you. This is the way it has to be from now on.
---------------------------------------------------------

So this is just for starters!

Love

Delboy

This hits home with me. I'm far enough out that I can see how I indulged her in some positive ways (loving and accepting her despite her feeling inadequate due to her many years of obesity) and some negative ones (indulging her blatant fiscal irresponsibility, despite giving her chance after chance to improve). I got the adoration in return too, which felt great until it stopped, and I passively accepted that she had two jobs that were bring prioritized over me. I think not dealing with that was a mistake on my part, although if I had complained she probably would have said I was too controlling.

So glad to hear you're moving forward on all fronts, MA. Hopefully not being pulled around by him and his drama will be a relief to you. All blessings going forward.

I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.

I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.

Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!

Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P

Well we’re exclusive now. I don’t think he was dating anyone when we met but you never know obviously. I thought marriage meant we were exclusive and that wasn’t true. Lol. I can laugh about it now.

Part of me wants to run because I think I don’t have another heartbreak in me but I realize I’m stronger now. I know now that I need to maintain my life outside of a relationship. I built a good one and I’m not making the mistake again of wrapping my entire life around one person. I have friends now, hobbies, enjoy my own company, I have a life.

I’m grateful for this site for teaching me this. It was awful getting to this point but now I can honestly say it was worth it.

Good Morning ingridgu

I am sorry you are feeling mired and lost. This place, the fine posters here, I am glad they resonate with you, provide a heading for the journey.

Please do start a thread and share your story. Direct interaction with folks who have and who are walking in similar shoes is most helpful.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

DnJ

Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experience. It really helps to hear your perspectives to re-focus myself on the work and introspection I should be doing. I think the biggest thing for me is to learn to be okay with being alone and find who I am as a single person, not in a relationship. This is all new to me and perhaps the most difficult part of this journey. It's so much easier to seek intimacy and affection to fill that void.

This is awesome! Because it is you. Because you want to.


I think most people here over the years would say the same. You look for logic and understanding. So do I. Over the last year I keep reviewing the threads saying stop it, those is the wrong questions to ask and eventually those won't matter so much. I remain a work in progress.


No, not a fool. We wouldn't be here otherwise and the future is unwritten no matter what the probabilities. I mean, how likely did we think our W or H would do what they did?

I have been contemplating hope vs expectations for a year now. My WW told my D18 and D17 "I have to make sure G has no hope" outright the first night she asked for a separation. And then became very cold overnight. She stayed that way for over two months to keep herself on her course. (A funny aside, I could tell when she let go the tight coldness a little, relaxed a little, because she stopped wearing a bra with her PJs at night) She carefully asked once, around month four, did I still have hope, had I given it up? I thought a moment and said, "No, it is that I don't have expectations." I think she took is as I didn't have expectations of an outcome. I also meant I was letting go of expectations of her personally. I didn't clarify. Maybe I should have. I don't know.

I keep this and several others on tap to re-read for myself periodically. It's all worth a read to keep centered.


https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942


Me either. And I'm in it, just like you.

Smarts I have. Wisdom I'm not so sure of or I wouldn't be here in this Grief. W and I have ~140+ IQ which helps many things... but not this. Smarts brings it's own set of issues - decision paralysis, not being able to figure out the right level of communication (you are either condecending or no one understands what you just said), W told me I was too sweetly logical so she stopped trying to tell me she was unhappy, etc...

But stepping out of my comfort zone I can post to say I see you K, I hear you K. I can show some of the inner me.

g