I have been with my "ex" for 8 years.. And like i put in my original post, there were a couple of Red flags, going back to the very beginning of our relationship ( deleting messages off her ex boss ) . Then there were the deleted messages from the ex boyfriend 3 years in.. Did i ever feel threatened about the ex boyfriend messaging her.. No.. Because he worked away for months at a time and i think my ex knew he was being flirty, only after one thing and was never going to risk everything for him.. She deleted the messages, and played it down whenever he messaged... But i overlooked this as a risk to my relationship.. After all, he was just trying his luck... It was me she loved. But lookiing back, maybe i misjudged my ex partners character. I have never deleted a message off another woman ( or anyone ) - becuase i have never needed to hide anything from her..
So the biased observation part on the link is very interesting..
So weekend is just around the corner, and tomorrow I am going to hand over the kids, which I dont feel quite as bad with as I did last week. Dont get me wrong, it is still a very awkward thing to just give up "ownership" of your kids for an entire week, but I have a lot planned for the coming days, and I am looking forward to that.
So today I am picking up the kids early, then we are going to go shopping for "friday candy", then a good long walk, a nice dinner tonight, and then we are staying up late with the fireplace lit an hot cocoa with marshmallows.
Tomorrow I am going to pack my bags, and then I am heading to the range for some practice. After practice, I am going to the gym for a session. Tomorrow evening I am going to my parents place, and just have a quite evening. Sunday I am going to the cinema. I have a late work day monday, and after that hitting the gym. tuesday I am taking my kids to gymnastics, and then heading to my neighbors before going to my parents place. Wednesday is golf practice, thursday I am meeting up with som friends after gym, and we are going to go to a caffe and just talk and have fun. Friday I am heading home to be with my kids. So yea, quite a nice week ahead of me, and I am looking forward to it.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and be happy for what you are and what you got, because life is what you make it out to be. So make it great.
Thank you DnJ. I know my day is coming. I both long for it and fear it at the same time. Crazy, I know.
So kids are off to bed. Long night of homework and forgot that both of them need baths...again. Four years of ďsingle parentingĒ...you would think I would have it all figured out by now. I so love those little monkeys. They are doing a journal assignment that involves them doing kind things for one another every night and/or teaching each other something. Of course...there are arguments about one teaches the other, etc... Hmmm...not sure that is the point of the assignments. And my daughter had math homework. She has dyslexia so her brain just does not get math. Whenever there is math, there are inevitably tears. Well...at least it was me here and not my H. He s*cks at math.
Feeling a bit better tonight. I think it helps that I was pretty busy for most of the night. Less time to think. Talked to my MIL for a bit. She says she barely hears from him and when he does come by, he canít seem to be in the house for more than five minutes...even when I am not home. It is almost like he has separated from her too. Their relationship is very different from the one I had with my parents. I was very close to my parents. We talked almost every day. My value system was pretty much the same as theirs. I loathed to ever disappoint them. Given that my H never really left home, I would have expected him to be a lot closer to his mom. They love each other, no doubt, but there is just a level of closeness that is missing. My parents KNEW me. They didnít know everything I did necessarily but they knew who I am at my core. It is not the same with my H and his mom. Itís like they donít talk about anything really personal...just surface-level stuff. Itís been almost four months since we found out about his double life. I think they have yet to talk about it. If that were me and my parents, we would have had a hundred conversations about it by now. It is just so strange to me. I asked my MIL if she thinks that anyone really knows my H and she said she doesnít think so. Like me, she thinks there are people who know bits and pieces but no one who really KNOWS him. She would have thought that I am the person who knows him best but clearly that was not the case.
Guess I should head to bed as well. Six a.m. comes quickly. So glad it is Friday tomorrow. My son told me tonight he is taking a break tomorrow from his regular Friday night activities. He just wants to hang out with his mom.
Spent most of today waiting around on / with the handyman to fix / clean-up yesterday faucet fiasco.
Today in GAL: 30 push-ups (getting back into exercise), and went out to grab some coffee in the late afternoon (out to Starbucks) for a pick-me-up, but also to just get out and be around others, if only for a little while. $2.75 coffee is a small price to pay to keep some semblance of sanity.
Iíve read on the forums about othersí dating adventures. While Iím nowhere near close to a resolution on things with W (see above), I had something of an epiphany this afternoon.
The idea of going on dates, making out, and having sex (but for me, within an MR) all sound fantasticóand while all that seems so far away at present, I realize that Iím one day closer to those things happening againówhether it is with W, or with someone else down the road.
I went shopping again because I am toning up. I'm not losing weight any longer. Sitting right at 177lbs at 6ft tall. I now fit in medium slim fit button down shorts and 34x30 skinny slacks/Jean's. I feel great and look great.
Great job, brother.
Iím 6í1í, weighed in at 178 lbs. this morning. I hear youóit feels great, I love how I look and feel (and can only imagine how much worse my back would feel if I weighed 30 lbs. more), and Iíve gotten comments from (mostly older) women at work about it.
So...XW texted yesterday. Wanted me to take our house and she'll get a bigger apartment. And she informed me that she'll be taking our D8 to live with her, I can keep S12. That way she'll get more money. And if I won't agree to it she's going to sue me and take both kids and demand full child support. I know she really doesn't have any grounds for this but I'm tired of fighting. I'm the bad guy here and she could never do this to me if things where otherway around...I'm just so f-ing tired of all this.
This is the second time she's done this in the last 2 months right? Why is she now coming around, I wonder...
She's clearly not ready to pull the plug and "lose you". I don't think you're ready either, but that is just my opinion. It looks like you and her get.....more time. Oh boy.
It seems like you're doing well other than having to deal with her. Maybe next time you can be a little warmer, but I think you've not seen or talked to her much, so it's not like you should feel right at home talking to her either.
Wow, did not realize I had not posted on my own thread for so long. CMM has started his new chemo, his second treatment will be tomorrow. This is with a new checkpoint inhibitor so the immediate side effects are not nearly as bad (there is a risk, though, of developing autoimmune diseases). Ironically, a musician friend of mine who was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer about the same time as CMM is now starting a checkpoint inhibitor too - except in Mexico, where he's living, they will bring the infusion to his home! Nice!
Life is otherwise stable, I need to get working on some music homework as I have to learn some complicated percussion for the reissue of my friend's album this August - there will be CD release shows and some touring in the fall, hoping that CMM is healthy enough at that time for me to leave.
This whole thing as I am learning is not about making her want you back; its about making yourself a man that anyone would want to be with. She may see the changes and think twice; she may never look back. Either way if you work on yourself you come out ready for taking on the world.
If she has been lying and cheating, I may be inclined to seek a 50/50 split, which may result in an extra $50K in my pocket and may impact my ability to keep the house.
If she is having an A I would put the full court press on her immediately moving out.
How I would treat W would probably be much different.
It sounds like youre saying "if W is having an affair, I would want to punish her."
Why do you think you feel that way?
I sure understand that how it seems. I think there are a few things going on with this mindset. I have always been a person who desires respect and conducts himself in a way to try and obtain respect. Generally, I have never subscribed to the oft-cited theory that respect must be first earned. I believe everyone's default should be to show respect and act accordingly. I understand the concept of loss of respect and how actions can cause this to happen, however. But certain responses to a loss of respect are never acceptable and I believe should receive consequences.
For instance, if I were to find out that one of my long-time trusted staff had been lying and cheating me on hours or in some other way, I would take that as a huge sign of disrespect - not only "how could you do that", but "how could you do that to ME". It's very personal. I would fire them immediately and have security escort them out. If I found out that a long-time trusted business partner was screwing me over on a deal, I would sue them for breach of contract and make them hurt as much as the contract terms allowed. This mindset flows from my issue with respect and my morality - I don't lie, cheat, steal or screw people over - ANYONE - let alone those closest to me. Doing so is the ultimate betrayal in my view.
Infidelity has always been a major trigger for me. I had an older female cousin who I was/am very close to, and when I was in college her husband cheated on her and left her. She was absolutely destroyed. I will never forget how she fell into my arms sobbing when she told me. I didn't know what to say or how to comfort her. I wrapped my arms around her and it felt like I was trying to hold a million fragments together. It was horrible. I can still feel that moment as I write about it now. I promised myself that I would never do that to another human being EVER. And I never have and never will. I just expect the same courtesy and enough respect to not have that done to me.
Sorry for the ramble. Not even sure if I really answered your question!
I have always heard that death comes in 3's and that has proven true in my life this week. First, my college roommate lost her dad earlier in the week. Such a sweet little man. Then, I just found out today that 2 different ladies that I used to work fairly closely with passed. One was one of those sudden, but not entirely unexpected, as she'd been having some health issues and she was in her late 80's but had been in relatively good health prior to her recent bout of illness. I do not know what happened to other lady and really didn't even know she'd been ill. Both were ladies that always had a kind word and a warm smile for me when I saw them. They were also both women who were fiercely independent, strong, hard-working, power-house type women. I really admired both of them and their interesting lives they had led prior to their retirement, which is the phase of their life I worked with them in. It made me sad to learn of both of their passings this morning. I actually sat at my desk and cried. Rest in peace, lovely ladies and Mr. B. Y'all all sure did bless a WHOLE lot of people on this planet.
My own age is staring me in the face today too and I really don't know why. I don't know if it is because my birthday is in a few weeks and my mom and I were talking about it last night, planning a family dinner or what the deal is, but I'm on the downhill slide toward 50 and it is a steep and fast slope. I'll be 49 on Jan. 30 and I know it will seem like about an hour passes and then I'll be 50. It is so weird how quickly time seems to pass as we get older. People used to tell me that is how it would be....that time would seem to move faster as I got older. I'll be d@mned if they weren't right. One thing I know for sure...I never thought I'd be just getting married at 49. What a weird ride it has been. It reminds me of that Gary Allan song "Life Ain't Always Beautiful". It says life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride. Yep......
I have a very good feeling about this year of 49 though. I started my water aerobics class Tuesday night and I really enjoyed it. It was a little chilly outside when we were done and I had wet hair so I was cold when I got home, but I can live with that. It was an hour long class and I swear it didn't feel like we were in that pool 10 minutes before it was time to be done for the evening. (See...time passes quickly!) I felt good after the class and I went home, showered, ate dinner and went to bed at 9:00 and slept like a rock until my alarm went off at 6:00 am the next morning. I'm looking forward to tonight's class and to more in the future as well.
I feel very accomplished this week. I have been checking out wedding venues and have 2 kind of narrowed down. I have to talk to Sparky and I still need to actually go look at 1 of them, but since I have been there before, that is why it is on the list to start with. I thought that having a year to plan a wedding would be too long and it still may be, since I have already changed my mind about the original color scheme I was thinking, but other than that, I think my plans will come together quite nicely. And, Sparky is kind of on board for whatever. He's made 2 very specific requests and he says other than those 2, he just wants me to tell him when and where to show up. LOL Such a typical man response.
In addition to wedding planning, I got the ball rolling on planning a little girl's night spa party for my oldest daughter's 30th birthday. I think thinking about her being 30 is actually what made me start thinking about my own age today. I can't believe my child is 30. Wow.............................
And, to top that off, 2 different people this week, professors in my department, have asked me for input on 2 different matters and that makes me feel really good, accomplished, like my work is valued and respected. I know I am the low man on the totem pole even though I am not the youngest person in our department by a long shot. It is just nice to feel appreciated sometimes.
Well I think it's part of recovery. It's a way for us to remind ourselves that we really AREN'T crazy, our WAS really did love us and care for us at some point regardless of what they say right now. It doesn't make any sense that they can just turn their feelings off, but yet it happens. You may have seen me mention this before but my ex told me in tears that I needed to take care of myself, that I couldn't die because if I did she could never go on with her life. I mean she was crying her eyes out! There was nothing that triggered it, she just felt the need to tell me she couldn't survive without me. 6 months later- BD. What happened in those 6 months that suddenly changed her mind about the M? NOTHING. Nothing at all, not one thing was different. How do you mentally grasp that a person can do such an extreme 180 like that? I wish I could tell you, or that someone else could tell both of us, LOL! Anyway my point to you is this- this is about your H, not about you. You are clearly a loyal, loving, caring, sensitive person that many men would be proud to be married to. Your H? A switch in him flipped, and he's not who he used to be. Maybe he will be again some day, but maybe not. Regardless, don't lose who YOU are.
Thank you AS for posting that in DV6's sitch. Definitely needed to hear that for my sitch as well.
DV6/Nicole/Bo...I appreciate all of your words of encouragement, support and the shared knowledge that we are all experiencing many of the same terrible feelings at the same time.
DV6...so I didn't believe I feared anything as I know I'm a high self esteem guy. even if W had an OM, I'd still feel the same way. My first marriage for whatever reason I never gave the OM a second thought. I guess in my mind her having an affair made her a bad person, adultery was a sin and so she was now OM's problem and I was free and clear in the eyes of the Lord. If I found out the same with current W, I'd feel the same way..."better him than me actually". Betrayal? I will drop you like you weren't even born. BUT in the past my trust "setting" was default to ON....now my setting is "Leave Alone". So you ARE correct my fear of trusting is off the charts. I know that has to change within me if I ever intend to ever try again. Anyway yeah that is the fear that is winning within me right now. Although I see it less as a fear and more of a decision...likely though much more of a defense/protection that I acknowledge.
Nicole...thank you and good luck trying to find anything in my sitch about why/how things happened! . Fear of aging, body image, motherhood, responsibility, life passing her by, we were roommates, can handle every day life she had all of those within her. Anxiety/avoidance...my IC said in 20 years of practice she has never encountered someone as avoidant as my W. Stander has told me several times in the past how silent his wife was. Last week I read through his story. His W was WAY WAY more talkative with him than mine. Not a single phone call in a year. Text exchanges I could count on one hand. Not one single "how are you", "I'm sorry", no temp checks, nothing. To say that if not for our D4, there would not be much difference between her having died and the level of communication in our sitch would be a very accurate statement.
My H did something similar a while ago when he contacted me out of the blue and asked if he could come over and pick up all the packages that were delivered to our house which contained the bits for building some model Star Wars fighter thingy..... and I thought he was out partying all the time, instead he has been sitting in his flat playing with glue and plastic model bits!!! :0)
I agree, the way he has treated you, what a cheek to ask you to bring it to him!!
I dearly love stbxMIL, but don't particularly feel like being very supportive of W. I don't know if it's better to remain NC, or respond with something like "Wow. That is terribly upsetting. Thanks for the update," or something a bit more supportive of stbxMIL.
Given this previous comment you made:
"I've already told her via email that I can't be her friend anymore."
I would stick to something brief like your first comment.
Please stay balanced. You almost swung too far the other direction, since you know she is still seeing OM. Do you see where you nearly went too far?
I do see how I have pushed her further into the arms of the OM. The most recent example was a little over two weeks ago when I acted like a jerk leading up to the bill situation.
I'm working hard on the balance. I want to make the switch genuinely. I need to make the change for me. Not her.
It's only been 10 days since I cut the vindictiveness and anger, but I am feeling some positivity not only in myself but between her and I as well.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Good! The vindictiveness was eating you alive!
I still wait to respond to her messages).
It has been very hard to let this go. But I am working on it. I do not feel anger any more.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Why? Don't you think it looks rude to make her wait every single time, before you respond? I mean, if you are truly busy, then don't break your neck to answer, but as long as she is using respectful words and not getting a bad attitude with you......I don't think it is necessary to play the "waiting game" before responding each time.
Sandi, I am still trying to convey mysteriousness and putting my own tasks and responsibilities over her. To be honest, she has not said anything disrespectful or showed me a bad attitude in a long time.
I just don't want to nice anything. I want her to come back but on her terms. My job is not to push her away any further. If she comes back is up to her and the higher power.
Originally Posted by lost8
Phoenix, don't look at your WW as you responding to her tests.....you have to do the turnaround for you. I am no expert but I have seen most things that have been advised here work to an extent. Keep at the DBing!
Of course. Nothing has changed as far as working on myself. I am nowhere near where I want to be, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am still raw. I still need work.
Originally Posted by lost8
Make the changes that make you feel good about yourself, do the activities that help you grow and help detach because you are living your best life...not waiting for that person that has caused so much hurt to come around. It is a tough pill to swallow experiencing all of this first hand and I too struggle with the impatience. If I would guess my WW is struggling to detach from OM but it appears that she is moving in the right direction. We just have to keep pushing forward with our goals.
Love hearing your success in physically improving, never stop that! I keep setting new goals for myself, weight, strength, new physical activities to take on. Never enjoyed clothes shopping until I got my youthful physique back at 49, the compliments are great and uplifting that I too am desirable...hopefully you are getting those looks as well.
I am not waiting. I have not waited in a long time. But I have stopped running away towards the other solution (divorce). I am just letting things be. That seems to be making all of our lives better in one form or another. I have so many goals I want to accomplish:
- Bench 185lbs. in 3 sets of 10 reps. - Get a consistent paid gig for my photography - Lose another 20-30 pounds. - Become indispensable at my job.
It's about small, continual improvements. Those are the ones that tend to stick.
Thank you I am not going to stop. I am not going to be complacent anymore. I am going to make myself the best Phoenix9 I am capable of being. WW, OM, others...I don't control them or their feelings. Nor do I want to. That took too much energy from me and I just ended up tired, frustrated, and heartbroken.