I think it would have been perfectly acceptable last night to say something like ďthank you for your thoughts, but letís talk about something else.Ē I find now that when the topic of my ex-wife comes up, I hardly talk and just let whoever else is with me have their own conversation. Nobody else really KNOWS much - they are just reflecting on their experiences and their relationships with her - that doesnít mean a whole lot in considering my past relationship. The long and short of it is that your friends want you to feel better. The easiest way is to trash on W. It could be real, could be their impression, could be figments of their imaginations. It doesnít matter. They are just trying to help you ďget over itĒ and feel better.
Now how about some actual GAL where you donít spend hours contemplating your marriage...?
I have had a crazy past few days. Thursday was awful. Work was horrible while I was trying to deal with my mortgage company who stinks. They don't communicate, and we are ended really having a pushed back closing date. I have encountered another problem, but Ill make a long story short, I don't know if my closing is going to be Tuesday or Thursday, but it has caused a problem because of contractors. I have the most straightforward closing, it shouldn't be such a headache.
In other news, I had my date Friday night with my guy. It was wonderful. Then yesterday I took him up on his offer of assistance. I can't believe he did what he did for me. He has a huge pick-up and we went and got my wood. which was 42 boxes, 40lbs each, and equaled a ton. Not only did he get it for me, but we both carried one ton of freakin wood into my new house (they let me bring it to acclimate). I was so so thankful. He made it no big deal. He said I am incredibly awesome and he was happy to help. I took him to dinner and we had such a great time, and we both came out with our life stories. We both have had it very rough. I think that's why we relate so well.
So we are violating the "rules" of spending time together and today he is taking me kayaking for my first time! I am super excited. Yeah, sure, we are seeing eachother everyday day this weekend, but we don't have kids and it just worked out well. This week might not work out, and we have our kids this weekend.
He is so chill and down to earth and we click so well. Physical attraction is totally there in full force. He's sweet, affectionate, funny, and generous. I look forward to seeing where this goes. But so far so good.
I am just hoping this week goes a little better and I get those keys to my house and get the ball rolling.
I will definitely check that out after church thanks! If I canít read it over prior to seeing H, (he will be at our house by the time I get home), does it lean towards me telling him I know or not saying anything? Any suggestions welcome!
Itís been a few weeks and things really havenít improved despite me doing me, frequenting the gym, keeping busy, etc. we hardly ever talk in the same house.
Tonight, after a couple drinks, she said she wanted to talk. She is adamant in that she wants a divorce. Just completely done and has been for months. No romance and sees me as a gay best friend (She says she knows Iím attractive but thereís no spark at all). Asked about when we can sell the house, split assets, the dog, etc. I probably didnít behave correctly here in that I got choked up a couple times asking questions such as ďhow are you able to block out all the memoriesĒ or ďIím surprised you never really triedĒ... itís tough to act perfectly when the inevitable is taking place.
I told her she can hire a cleaning service and landscapers and can list the house/split assets and we will see how fast it sells. Feels like I never really stood a chance here. Not sure if anyone has recovered from a situation this deep, but it certainly feels like a lost cause at this point as we move closer to an official divorce.
My friend I just swam out from a lake such as yours recently, and let me tell you nothing is impossible. Keep your head up. Keep 180, keep GAL. Keep head up. No expectations, this is a marathon not a race, and that couldn't be more true. My sitch was similar to yours, and my W and I are in R. God bless you. Don't quit working on yourself. Peace.
Thanks for the kind words. With D now seemingly on the horizon, I donít see much light at the end of the tunnel. Ironically, my aunt is the lawyer we will and will work with and my W wants to talk to her together soon (to split things evenly). Will do what I can to GAL. Congrats on making it to R, Iím sure it was a huge breakthrough if in a situation such as this.
I will bring the homemade rye bread for the peanut butter and we will sit and have tea. That will be healthy you know.
Just a word about exes, I like the description sparkly turd and of course Wassock.
What a lovely word Wassock. These exes go wassocking.
I get the lonely thing, that has started in my life, my recent injury has made me feel quite vulnerable. And of course I miss the physical stuff, it's got worse as time goes on. I also miss dancing too........
I did meet a lovely guy, Rugby player from Scotland, I bought his knee scooter on eBay. He came locally to play Rugby dropped off the scooter and invited me to the game. He is very very tall (a bit of an Adonis in physique, a red head too, my type) and I am some what short and curvy. But there was spark, I haven't persued it. 700 miles is a long way for a hug!
So I am sending you a V type internet rainbow hug.
I have learned a lot about ankles, tendons, muscles and toes. I know that if S23 is in pain, he should stop. Has he had an X ray? As by now any extra stress fractures may show. NO weight bearing and particularly no impact at all for a minimum of10 days on any bone injury whilst the soft callus forms. Lots and lots of mobility exercises because we dont want frozen shoulder of the ankle (well makes sense to me). If he has inflammation contrast baths ending with cold, and friction massage on any scar tissue. I suggest looking up flossing techniques as I found that was super helpful in getting rid of ankle inflammation. YouTube has got bobandbrad on physical therapy (they will make you smile as they are sort of morcambe and wise ish) and docontherun is amazing (google) but very serious indeed. Try googling Maya and ironcast ankles at least she is cute for a S23. I also took bone up which was developed from helping horses heal bones (that's the human formula version they made it because peeps kept eating the horse pills), K2 complex and of course lots of vit C.
Take care lovely Andrew, I am crossing all my fingers and toes that your romance goes well and one day I can come and throw some rice.
W and I have joint checking account and her direct deposits have not been going to the account. Yes she still has access to it. Got an email about the account that a bill was paid from the account. Legit bill but she paid it. Lawyer is drafting a response to disclosure to send her lawyer.
So do I only tell lawyer or tell W to remove herself from account or put the money in from wherever she is sending her pay?
I don't want to make a mistake and I don't want to get shafted either.
Andrew thank you for checking in on me. So kind and thoughtful.
I confess to some low spots of late, a reaction I think to my involvement with K and the boys together with a couple of abused newbies I posted to triggering a little.
Rehab is going well of the ankle, I am exercising the best I can. Sadly no dancing yet as impact exercise is NOT ALLOWED at all. So no running or any of my usual antics. I don't know if I mentioned it but I took up Parkour some time ago so this period has helped with building more up body strength. I am quite the little monkey and moving towards full body pull ups.
Back to weight loss and following the old plan of fasting and juices to get my blood sugar under control, it worked last time, no reason why not again. Lots of water and bone broth.
I invested in a new pressure cooker to help make soup. I had a soup maker but didn't like it much.
Other than that the G has been seen in and around my village, many times. I hope that doesn't mean he is back in the UK. Really irritating.
RD broken toes! I thought it was from kicking @rse....... I hope life is doing well for you and your fantastic family.
You have a lot of moving parts happening -with a lot of decisions to be made. Take the time to Breathe -slow down and figure out what is best for you and your D before making any rash choices. Know that we are all rooting for you. Blessings!
Seems like most of the posts on these boards are about sitches and how to deal with them. I don't seem to many inner reflections, but maybe I haven't looked enough. Anyway here goes....
I haven't quite finished the Mr Nice Guy book however I don't think I am a true blue nice guy, but I do have nice guy tendencies/traits. I don't recall any child abandonment issues and all the historical child issues that cause Mr. Nice Guy seem weird and dissimilar. That being said while my childhood wasn't terrible it also wasn't great. Lets just say I got to were I am at today pretty much by myself without the help from my folks, I wasn't abandoned I just was extremely independent. The support I did receive came mostly from my wife who also was my HS gf. I don't fear being alone which is a nice guy trait. In fact I enjoy it. I do week long solo hiking and hunting trips. That takes a lot of inner strength to overcome the fear and loneliness in the woods. I do fear abandonment from my wife and maybe I have formed some level of codependency. She is all I have known from hs to my adult life. If that is a Mr. Nice Guy I don't know I haven't seen that in the book yet. The traits I do exude are covert contracts, being controlling, conflict avoidance and fear of abandonment. However like I said I don't think my fear of abandonment is necessarily because of Mr. Nice Guy. The covert contracts is a big thing. I didn't really understand what I was doing until I read it last night. Most of the extra things I would do was to earn unsaid favors in exchange for the hope/expectation of sex. No sex, then fights. However things that I did around the house alluding to the previous post such as assembling furniture, checking cars, building things, yard work, finances, etc., etc., came early in the marriage from the expectation of my wife that the husband does certain man things and the wife does certain wife things. As time progressed I would try to get her involved in some of these things so she would know how to do them. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I gave up because she lacked interest, care, or would get angry or upset. Somethings such as yard work we now typically do together. Our roles changed overtime in that I would do certain things as well such as cook because I was better at it. It has gotten to the point where there are things I do that she doesn't know or hasn't wanted to know how to do, but there is literally almost nothing she does that I cannot do. (Later in our marriage she pushed equal partnership doing things 50/50 which in theory is good, but from what I read in reality results in unreal expectations and disappointment.) I have been controlling at times, part of the whole Mr. Fix It mentality. Its partially due to keeping things smooth, and unchanged like Mr. Nice Guy, but part of it is to be embarrassingly honest, because of a superiority complex. In aspects such as her career she has out shined me to the point I am not sure if I will ever catch up. Not that I haven't done extremely well myself. In the beginning of our marriage I was definitely not a conflict avoider and in life and work I am not a conflict avoider. However, with the wear and tear of time in our marriage I eventually became someone who tries to avoid conflict with my wife. I also haven't show a lot of emotion, because my belief and how I was raised was that emotions show weakness and men are strong. However after BD my thoughts on emotions have changed a lot and it actually feels good to open up emotionally.
I know some of these traits had been fading especially in this last year of our marriage, but it may have been too little too late compounded by other factors such as her own personal and mental issues, her outlook on life ,and how she contributes or see herself contributing to the marriage.
Needless to say while I feel like I am a well balance person which might be why I am handling my sitch and DB so well, I am FAR from perfect. I think why DB works well for me because it kind of fits in my own mantra of its your job to make yourself happy not your spouses job. I really hope we can get to the point of reconciliation, but you can honestly see if we get there we have A LOT of work to do.
I think I misspoke. I think I mean I was too dependent on my wife not codependent.
Well Nicole, thank you but R is a longshot I think but it would be an appropriate ending for sure. I guess why I feel content with it now is that my life is like the complete opposite of what it was back when she dropped that bastard atom bomb on me a little over 4 years ago. Back then while DBing GAL seemed to me to be impossible. My situation, in my head then, was that of me saying to myself that other people can GAL but my situation is so tragic it's different. In fact, and I know this now, it wasn't. Everyone suffers that brutal and inhuman pain after a bomd drop. So it's like GAL was such an impossibility and obsessing about WAW was the only possibility. Now it's the total opposite. GAL is more of my focus than her. I just got new wheels, I'm collecting my toys and action figures again, I enjoy my job and work a lot, and am just living. WAW is an afterthought just as my other lady friends are. It's not a necessity to me. Whatever happens happens...the only stuff I can control is my own life and I'm happy doing that.
Oh and couple other things she said I forgot to mention was at one point she said she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her like I do. She also said she totally understands what I "meant" when I told her a few months ago that I will always believe she belonged with me. She said "you are right for so many different reasons. I totally get exactly what you mean when you say that."
She also brought up my manhood again. When talking about her displeasures with other men she got to penis size and looked at me and said ,"(My full name), you win that one hands down!"and she raised her hand to high five me. I'm sure I'll remember more stuff in the coming days
marina7 - I hope you are doing well. Threatening texts, a pending trial, you indeed have a lot of stress. Keep looking after yourself, this stress will take a toll on you.
I was shocked when I read about the threat. The timing and directness of it. Someone must be very confused if they think you are going to back off.
marina7, stay strong, dig in, and protect your children. So very true - a motherís love and strength - do what is necessary. You can weep later.
I would like to offer a caution. Detachment and indifference is where you are heading. Demonizing W can provide a barrier between W and your feelings, provide a short term relief, and can also change your feelings. It is obvious W is hurting beyond reason. Do what is necessary and try to remain from a position of compassion. I have read a lot about you in your posts, and I like you. Please donít lose yourself to this.
How's life in Finland? Wish I were there. My favorite destination in Europe isn't too far from you.
It's odd that your ex-wife seems so casual and doesn't really act like you two are divorced. It seems she just expects you to do certain things. Perhaps she just needs more reminders that you're divorced now and things are different. It's good to hear you're doing well otherwise. What did you ever decide to do about your house?
Ovrrnbw, what about the smoking hot woman you met in a bar? Maybe you can meet her for coffee. Maybe that'll give you the strength to do what you need to do. You're young and you must be attractive and have resources. I bet your wife will turnaround really quickly once she sees that you're serious and you're moving on. I don't think your wife wants to lose you but as everyone is saying let her think that's happening, and let it actually happen, and I think you'll have a much different wife in the not-so-distant future.