Journaling.....

I'm thankful for this forum. Not only for the advice, support, and friendship, but it also gives me a reason to organize my thoughts and work out the issues of the day.

Anxiety is running rampant, yet again.

I can’t stop the freight train carrying H to a train wreck. I don’t have the power. I know it. I don’t think he has the power either. He’s weak. Depressed. Frozen in a miserable, lonely existence. Yes lonely even with OW I’d venture to guess. He’s on that train and doesn’t know how to get off.

There was a time this morning at work that I realized I didn’t think about H for a few hours. I prayed right then and there a prayer of thanks for that reprieve. Any moment he (they) are not on my mind is a blessing.

Yet I'm anxious.

How can I be so good just a few short weeks ago. And I feel so incredibly anxious now? Even after the burden that was lifted by finally letting H know his choices are not o.k. Getting it out in the open. I felt great after that, for a short while.

My lack of control over the situation takes my destiny out of my hands.

I fear the unknown. I fear dealing with the fallout, hurt and disappointment of my kids when they learn their dad has chosen a life with a girlfriend while married to their mom. D19 is already fragile.

I fear the daunting task of potentially (likely?) separating our lives completely and forever.

But, my destiny is in MY hands, isn’t it? I don’t need to ride that train to a wreck and fear the unknown. I need to get off, and take matters in my own hands.

Stop snooping. – I fell off the wagon and this caused my anxiety to rear its ugly head today. Phone records show a call from a mortgage broker. Doesn’t H know that he can’t buy a place without my knowledge? Doesn’t he know that it will be 50% mine if he uses our money, including all the furnishings? He’s a smart man. How can he be so stupid? Maybe he’s not buying a place at all. Unlikely. The evidence is piling up. I’ll know by Labor Day for sure.

I’m really beginning to hate the waiting. Don’t wait, move forward! Ugh!

Make GAL plans – Have plans Friday night with a girlfriend to catch up. Next Friday and Saturday are also booked. I’ll spend tons of time with D19. It’s her birthday next week. I’ve got less than a month before she goes back to school.

Meet with my attorney – I reached out to her to discuss contingencies if H buys a place, and to discuss my finances and a potential separation agreement (not legally, as it’s not allowed in my state). I'm looking forward to meeting with her.

Call a friend – messaged her. And she is a blessing.

Love on my kids – always and every day

Maybe it’s time for a wee glass of wine, put my feet up, and watch T.V.

Tomorrow will bring yet another perspective.

I hope it’s fresh and not stale.

Grace

Hmm?.. Unichen counciling has to be able to work for you too I would take it. What are you're needs and do you think MC and W can and ate willing to meet them in MC session? How is this benefiting you.
Something I became self aware of over the last few days. Every time I have a moment of weakness to want to return to the M. I tell myself now to push through it. Realize the past and the person from it is not the present. I tell myself to push through it. Focus on what I want for myself in my life outside of R and carry forward. In that moment if weakness is strength if you are willing to push through it, and take it. Regardless if who divorces who in my sich. I know I will be ok.

I am doing very well all things considered B...thanks. I think my next thread will be in the Surviving the Big D section as my divorce should be final by the end of the summer so will be joining you soon. Please don’t get too discouraged with OLD... lots of dire predictions in your response to Don that I doubt will come true. You have lots to offer and there are many great women out there who would love to have you for a partner. Just be patient and try not to rush into things too quickly when you think you may have found her. You have lots of time. I, too, have been married twice and am highly sceptical that I will go down that road a third time. But... I will never say never. The universe is full of surprises. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) and positive healing energy. xo

crd - Good on you for analyzing how you could have approached it differently. We all make mistakes, mistakes are learning opportunities.

Can you please add a signature to your posts? I can't remember if D is filed, or if you are just separating for now.

It is entirely reasonable to want to document the financial, property and custody approach prior to actually separating. Bring it up next time in mediation. Also think about what level of documentation you require, and how much you trust your W to hold to the agreement. Your W may have a different idea of what "documenting our approach" actually means.

Gerda,

You are truly going through more than you deserve for sure, but you are strong, and will get through. One day, heck one minute, at a time. The man you met. No coincidence. Listen to what he said. "You are a warrior, you aren't victim." Put on the armor of God, and you will get through this.

I agree with Job. I would recommend you do not provide any answers to inquiries from brokers other than to say it's not on the market at this time. That's really all you need to say. Otherwise you are just adding fuel to the fire.

(((Gerda)))

Your son is hurting, confused, probably angry. I think it's wonderful he trusts you so much to open up to you like he does. Keep the lines of communication open. Society in general is making our kids so confused about their sexuality. Anything goes. This whole generation is confused. Keep up the lines of communication, and the two of you will navigate this together. Perhaps exploring positive outlets to help him deal with his anxiety would help (exercise, etc.). Have you explored counseling with him? If you are near a university, often you can find counseling services that don't cost very much.

We are all here for you, and God is walking by your side. Reach out and hold His hand. Feel His strength. His love.

Grace

Actually the dish fairy comes along and places the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. LOL!

Please start a new thread and link both of them together.

Just so we’re clear, when I said why don’t you just file I meant to do it when your ready without the speech. Actions not words.

Well, guess who´s back from his winter holidays?

Yep.

Relax, enjoy the reality my friend. Teens are teens. There´s their natural rebelion state. Enjoy all of that. It´s hard but you were there not a long time ago.

Don´t wait for the rain. But, if it comes, enjoy it.

(((S)))

Sandi - I love the hill metaphor - it helps sort out what is important and what is not (to me). Identify the hills you would die on, everything else is a pointless skirmish. Sometimes we fight the pointless battles, and we win, and we look around from the top of the hill and think.. "I'm still sitting here alone on top of this hill, what was the point of that?! I want to be on top of that hill over there..."

Thanks JoeJoe, you are right, the man cannot rescue her from the pain. He can be there and give her encouragement to press on, and she may need a doctor to assist, but ultimately she is the one that has to do the hard part.

And, just like when women go into labor to birth a baby, not every woman takes the same amount of time. Some women have a much harder time with the delivery than other women.

put your sobriety first
Are you going AA?

staying sober is not an easy task and with MLC even harder