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Re: I'm Back! (6) Terapin 4 hours ago
Hi folks. It's been over a month since I gave an update.

Not too much new to report. XW and I seem to be on pretty good terms as far as coparenting. 2 weekends ago I took son to his State wrestling tournament about 4 hours away. XW came the next day. We stayed at the same hotel, but different rooms. That was a little weird, but was ok.

Son seems to be doing well. I know it still bothers him going back and forth though.

As for me, things have been up and down. The first month or two after the D, I thought I was doing great. But really, I was just too busy to think/dwell on things. Busy with our son, busy with the new house, etc. But in the last few weeks, it seems reality has set in. I don't really have any feelings going on for XW, but I have been having a LOT of dreams about her. Good dreams, bad dreams. I guess that's normal, but it [censored] waking up sad or mad.

Anyway, a coworker is now going through the same thing. Married for over a decade, 2 young kids, and his W asked for a D because she's 'not happy'. I gave him my copy of Divorce Busting. Hope it helps him as it's helped us!
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Re: H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle grok 4 hours ago
Originally Posted by KangaB
I’m just having a go. I’ve been watching lots of YouTubes on professionals playing and demonstrating.

This is awesome! Because it is you. Because you want to.

Originally Posted by KangaB
What the hell goes on in people’s minds to be so inconsistent? It does my head in.

I think most people here over the years would say the same. You look for logic and understanding. So do I. Over the last year I keep reviewing the threads saying stop it, those is the wrong questions to ask and eventually those won't matter so much. I remain a work in progress.

Originally Posted by KangaB
I was so hoping that when H and I were together over the last 3 months that I could prove you all wrong here. What a fool I am.

No, not a fool. We wouldn't be here otherwise and the future is unwritten no matter what the probabilities. I mean, how likely did we think our W or H would do what they did?

I have been contemplating hope vs expectations for a year now. My WW told my D18 and D17 "I have to make sure G has no hope" outright the first night she asked for a separation. And then became very cold overnight. She stayed that way for over two months to keep herself on her course. (A funny aside, I could tell when she let go the tight coldness a little, relaxed a little, because she stopped wearing a bra with her PJs at night) She carefully asked once, around month four, did I still have hope, had I given it up? I thought a moment and said, "No, it is that I don't have expectations." I think she took is as I didn't have expectations of an outcome. I also meant I was letting go of expectations of her personally. I didn't clarify. Maybe I should have. I don't know.

I keep this and several others on tap to re-read for myself periodically. It's all worth a read to keep centered.

Originally Posted by Zues126
In conclusion, if you are seeing signs that your spouse wants to return, post all about it here. Get it out of your system. Overreact on these forums. Tell us how it's going to work out after all, that we were wrong, that YOU KNEW your WAS, you KNEW they would fall back into your arms, that you think you are in piecing, etc, etc, etc. But please, for all that is good and holy, stay detached from them outwardly and give them time to see if they actually recommit, show true remorse, and prove it to you with consistent behavior over time. Keeping DBing and may you make it to the other side, whatever lies ahead.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942

Originally Posted by KangaB
Btw the Grok, I have never chimed in on other’s posts because I really don’t have any advice to give away yet.

Me either. And I'm in it, just like you.

Smarts I have. Wisdom I'm not so sure of or I wouldn't be here in this Grief. W and I have ~140+ IQ which helps many things... but not this. Smarts brings it's own set of issues - decision paralysis, not being able to figure out the right level of communication (you are either condecending or no one understands what you just said), W told me I was too sweetly logical so she stopped trying to tell me she was unhappy, etc...

But stepping out of my comfort zone I can post to say I see you K, I hear you K. I can show some of the inner me.

g
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Re: Grief and Gratitude, Grok DnJ Yesterday at 01:26 PM
Good Morning g

Originally Posted by grok
I had such belief and respect for W's judgements at the start that I took most things at face value.

I hear that! I had complete faith in my then W and took her poisonous words as gospel.

Self worth really takes a hit. Confidence is shaken/shattered and one is full of self doubts. It takes time to transmute such poison.

Well done getting out there and enjoying things. Awesome job, that’s quite a few miles of biking. I chuckled at the “run” club’s strategy/justifications. (I could get behind such. lol) Keep bribing the daughters for trivia answers. smile Oh my, modern music, social media icons, and such - yeah, I’m out of my depth I found out during such a trivia game.

Keep moving forward. You got this g.

D
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