FWIW I am currently favoring a 3-4-4-3 schedule as I would have the kids the same days of the week every week, with only one day rotating. I feel like its good consistency and stability for them to know where they are on each particular day of the week. As part of this I want to split the weekends in half and get one day each. Weekends are the best quality time for me and I don't want to wait 2 weeks to get it, I want it every week. Can't say I will like not having the kids for 4 days straight every other week, but I think any sort of 2-2-3 sched might be too much back and forth for me and a 7-7 sched is way too long at my kids' ages (7 and 4) so the 3-4-4-3 is a decent in between.

Hello Andrew

My kids have told me they would be ok with a stepmom. Again, I am not on the well travelled path and unsure of how helpful anything I share will be.

My kids and I have discussed many things. First kiss, first heart break, first drink, BF, GF, dating, staying over, getting a hotel room, and even trying drugs. (For anyone reading along who doesn’t know me, I have four kids not just one busy one)

Regarding their Mom, we have discussed their anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed, abandonment, and desire to live with me. MLC, compassion, love, hope, forgiveness have all been talked about and are openly accepted.

We do not speak poorly or badly about W as a person. Her behaviour is recognized as poor, even immoral. However the person is hurting and hurt people hurt people. OM for the most part gets similar treatment.

They have all found detachment and indifference as well, releasing their anger and letting go, following my lead so it seems.

With all this, their relationship with their Mom is theirs’, not mine. I have run into their boundary regarding their Mom and what they wish to discuss, or more accurately when they wish to discuss. They want to talk, it just takes time for them to get to that point. If I asked to soon, I know it - there is an instant change in them. However, when enough time has elapsed all are quite chatty about their feelings and whatever they have seen or heard.

I put the cause of the delay to indifference. They are not as mature as I, and have not spent as much time in their emotional cars. A perfectly normal and reasonable response for teens and young adults.

When one comes home from a visit with Mom and OM (if he is around, btw no one really wants to see or deal with him), they do not want to talk about it. You have probably seen something like that I’m sure.

If more than one kids visits, like all five a Christmas, they all come back chatting and laughing and will talk right away.

As I said, indifference, their wall, their protection. They cannot raise and lower it quickly like their old man. It takes time, and time to process their feelings. Their emotional maturity can be seen with their quickness in recovery and discussions. The order from most to least is S21, GF20, S20, D16, and S18. D16 and S18 are basically tied most days. Their walls are needed more when alone; while in a group they can respond to and support each other and the need for indifference is less.

I am pretty sure some form of indifference is extended to me as well. They are teens and young adults after all. So that also explains some of the reluctance for conversing at different times.

Again, not sure how helpful that may be. Perhaps you see similar patterns with S24.

At any rate, if I were to say to any of them, I have a date on Wednesday and won’t be home for supper, I would not expect a sour face and don’t tell me about your love life. Depending on the mood of the kid in question I would get at worse a bland neutral grunt all the way to OMG, who is she, what does she look like, is it WL from work, etc...

S24’s response, to me, suggests he is troubled by something. I do not believe it to be directly about your love life, that is just handy. It probably is related to relationships in some fashion - his most likely. Empathy is a skill that is gained and learned, and young people are self first, so it stands to reason that his reaction is about himself. An empathic negative response from S24 is unwarranted and unlikely given his age.

For now just let him know you won’t be home. As more and more dates happen, he will come around. He will ask/talk when he is ready.

DnJ

I would not push for anything. I don't think the comments I gave to you late last week in text ever got posted here. I can't mind read any better than anyone else so all I can go by is putting myself in Ms shoes - sorta like Joseph. That whole Love ya, need ya thing for me is a step on in the way to I love you. As I said in text I've used it myself in various forms. It's not bad. It's a step on the road and certainly in the right direction. I think your cousin amd friend are picking up on this. Could M have planned not to fully say it and reacted to you. For sure that could be the case but even if it is, again it's not bad. Baby steps that are clearly in the direction you are hoping for. The thing is, any pressure here could be the old one step forward two steps back. Don't risk that. Let him take his pace. The sentiment is real. The whole meeting his son thing is real. It's all good. Don't let your cousin scare you. Yes they may be right deep down but if they are that only means he's not fully there yet. He will be. And when he is he will say it - no matter if that's months weeks or days away. Until then, love ya is better and further along than I really like you.

So today my W asks me if I would be ok moving into her condo if things work out between us, until we figure out where we will buy a house. She apparently doesn't like the house we currently own...

This weekend is her weekend with our Son and it's his bday on Friday. She said maybe we should hang out together on the weekend as a family but she would still go home and sleep in her bed.

Up and Down like a Yo-yo. I don't know if she's planning on leaving when he goes to bed or if she wants to hang out together a bit before she leaves but since it's her weekend with him I feel like he should sleep at her place so he can get used to it.

Is she softening? Is her Condo single life not as glamorous as she hoped?

I feel like I need to stay pretty neutral and let her do the talking...don't put too much stock into what she says right now.

Journaling,

Dear God I still struggle with believing this is my life.

V-day was nice, I accepted my H offer to go to dinner. We had a good time but..:

I’m still angry with him. I’m angry that we are in this situation. So I told him I can’t do this roller coaster ride anymore. It’s exhaustjng.

So I’ve been keeping to myself more since V-day. All this has done is confuse him. He has no clue what’s going on with me. He11 he has my emotions up and down just like his.

Of course he’s been in pursuit but not as much as usual. Of course he’s tried a few temp checks but it seems he may be trying to truly let me go. After all, that’s what I asked him to do.

Truth is I think this DB stuff may be a lot easier when your spouse has moved out. It [censored] when you still live under the same roof.

Although I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster, it makes me sad that we are going to get used to Moynihan loving on each other and will become like two ships passing in the night.

I miss my old h, the one that was hear before the aliens came and traded him for this imposter.

I just want to grab him and tell him how much I love him. But I know that won’t do anything. So again, I’ve been keeping my distance from him.

I know he’s in the middle of a MLC but can anyone tell me how to get over your spouse when you still love them so much?

Editing to add: I sure wish it was easy for me to be done with him as it is for him to be done with me.

Sorry M as you know I went through this about a year ago. I still have not met my Xw bf and when it first happened mine went down about the exact same way. I told her I had no desire to meet him partially because at that time I was not emotionally ready and second because I told her that I trusted her that she would not just bring anyone into their lives. That if she felt he was a good person, etc. then he was good with me. Crappy that she told you via text and not in person.

Just remember that you will be eventuality doing the same and you will want her to show you the same level of respect.

I echo what everyone else has said Monkey. I wish I had REALLY followed their advice right from the beginning but I just had too difficult a time managing my own feelings in his presence. Be prepared to hear the worst. He means what he says to you so don’t dismiss it and DO NOT try to talk him out of it. Just listen and validate. Also... do NOT try to physically touch him, hug him or kiss him. This was a mistake I made in the very beginning when my H was waffling and I thought he was coming back. It backfired. It only reminded him that he wasn’t feeling that way towards me and further pushed him away. So prepare yourself. Have some phrases you can used memorized. Try not to get emotional. That will just make him feel guilty and not want to be around you. Be happy but not too happy. If you can adopt the mindset that you are being visited by a neighbour you are reasonably fond of... you are polite, congenial, interested but not overly. This is going to feel strange and counterintuitive but have faith that it is the right thing to do and the only chance you have of saving your marriage and saving yourself. Your situation sounds very savable but you need to give him time and space and work on yourself. Don’t tell him you are doing this...show him by your actions. He has to remember the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place but he won’t do that if you make him feel uncomfortable and guilt-ridden for leaving. You can do this!!! (((HUGS)))

You will have to refinance and pay her. Go talk to a lawyer asap.

Everything you said here is 100% correct. It's called Karma and is a law in the universe just like gravity.


You will be happy again my friend. I promise you!

You give me hope Dawn. Sounds like you had an amazing Valentine’s Day and that you have found one of the good ones. Thank you for continuing to post.

I know I am behind, so I may touch on things that have already been discussed.



You know, Lusa, when we say no R talk, we don't mean to imply that you are to NEVER speak of the relationship again. We stress "no R talk" so much, I guess people think it is off the table even if they are trying to reconcile. However, I think your problem here is that you don't know where the MR stands. Like some other board members, you are stuck in limbo b/c you don't feel like it is really a reconciliation, but you are in the MBR and having sex.....and she's being nicer.

If you have waited on your W to bring up the things you feel need to be discussed.......she may NEVER go there. Why? B/c most WW's don't desire to talk about their betraying, lying, deceitful, sneaky, unfaithful, backstabbing, selfish, disrespectful, rebellious, resentful.........(do I need to go on?)..........wayward behavior. She doesn't have a problem talking about how you made mistakes in the past, but she doesn't want to have her's pointed out. I'm just saying that after nearly a year, and you moved successfully into the MBR.........and having sex.........don't you feel there has been some point in time that the elephant in the room should have been addressed? Maybe I haven't read far enough yet, so have you told her what you would need in order to really reconcile? If not, then IMHO, it's as if you are hanging suspended between heaven and hell. IDK......it's just me wondering if that is okay with you. I was asked to give my thoughts on another similar sitch, and afterwards, I have decided that person had rather keep things suspended rather than follow the suggestions given. I also saw someone who was set in their ways for many years, and just between us......I felt like that was the problem for not following the advice. Anyway......I don't want to see this MR stay in the condition until both people are too set in their ways to change.

Another reason I believe it is important to know where the relationships stands at the point, is so you will know whether or not to continue following the 37 rules. Once the couple reconciles and is piecing the M back together, the 37 rules are put aside. I have a thread (with BluWave contributing) to those things to follow during Piecing. But currently, you can't really define your MR as in Piecing, can you? Has your WW told you she no longer wants to end the M, or get a D or whatever she may have originally said?



This is not just another man. it's her XH. Do they have children together? You have children with her, and she's willing to wait till they leave home to reunite with her XH? That's not love, that's a fantasy! If she went back to him, she'd want you as her OM.



Great! But you can't leave it there. Has she made a verbal commitment? If so, hold her to it by requiring that both of you attend therapy for couples dealing with emotional affair with previous spouses. I mean, I'm sure other things will be addressed, but XH is the ELEPHANT.



I'm so happy those threads have helped you. I do want to look back at list you made.



So actually, most of this is work she will have to do. Your part is enforcing those things that aren't considered as her feelings. This is your life. You have a say about it. Why would keep closed lip about her cheating and her pretending everything was simply honky-dory? She blamed everything on YOU. Isn't that why you were left......b/c you were under the assumption you were the problem? To this day, you have not opened your mouth about the real issue....which was her EA? I'm not suggesting you did not have things to change about yourself, but the TRUTH behind the split, was b/c of her emotional connection to her XH. I'm telling you as a former WW, if you wait around for her to voluntarily confess it was not you, but rather b/c she was having an EA with her XH, you may never see the day.
The WW will blame the H as long as she can get away with it. So far, you are the reason she's getting away with it.

Those are my thoughts, FWIW. If you decide to address the EA, I'm sure the board can help you put together a plan.

Hello Andrew

I didn’t see your post before submitting my reply to OneArt. That communication lag. Lol

You know dear friend my egg consumption has gone down, well at home anyhow. Could be due to some unconscious affect upon my desires for eggy goodness, however I think it is more due to the time constraints of a hurried breakfast and getting to work. I do enjoy consuming eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns, and coffee around the time of morning break. Although that luxury doesn’t avail itself to my current work environment to well.

Oh well, enough of eggs. You posted and deserve a response. I better get cracking.

I think all LBSs analyze their situations as well as others. We need understanding, reason, beliefs, answers, etc... You and I are rather verbose about our musings, part of our processes, and much fodder for others and their analysis.

Our approaches are perhaps a bit different (thank you for you most kind comments), however our goals are similar if not the same in many respects. I’m not talking about standing or not, I talking about life, living, happiness, and being true to your inner self.

I am following you and your developments with Brenda. Well done, by the way. I have not jumped in with much, having never been in your current scenario, and considering the abundant advice you are receiving. I do truly wish you the best. Try to be calm and just be yourself, it is only date number one. Don’t worry eventually whomever you find, will love you for you. We all do. (((Andrew)))

I do agree from the outside, and that is my vantage point as well with W, she does look comfortable with her new life, and shows very little concern or regard for that which she disgarded. I do realize my projections on to this situation, the overlaying of my beliefs and what I would do, on to what I hope she might do.

At this moment in time her actions have no affect on my decision to stand or which direction I go forward with my life. Good thing too, or bad - suppose it depends on your viewpoint. If I was considering who she currently is, and was using that to base decisions on, well that gets messy. I do still consider her when my actions could have unnecessary detrimental affects on her, an example I still have not removed her from the authorized contacts from the school. It is not necessary, she is not stirring up any strife, so why should I.

My W has made it very clear as well, she chooses OM over me. I do recall your being pushed over the edge and your agony of deciding to wait or not. I’m pretty sure I fell off the edge somewhere early along all this. I did find my way back and have found peace in only “waiting” in a specific area of my life.

My pre-bomb drop timeline is different than the norm (if there is such a thing). I do believe she did take a while to get to where she is. There were no indicators, I am a pretty observant person, and kids, family, friends didn’t see or suspect anything in the scale of what was announced. She is one h3ll of an actress.

According to her, the affair only started 2 months previous to BD, she did flip and flop between 2 and 4 months so somewhere in there - maybe. She says she never had sex during that time, and her happy, in your face announcement of her adultery to me and S19 (6 or 8 days after BD I think), and now we can get a quick divorce, leads me to believe that part.

Her weird going all quiet during our coffee “date” discussion when I asked if this was the only infidelity or affair during our marriage does bring up questions. Those answers really don’t matter and I do not even know if I could believe her anyways. I don’t even know if she can believe herself. Yes, she is that messed up.

Even her talks with me about how she was unraveling all have a short time frame, mostly about two to four months. The night she left, she did put her unhappiness at somewhere between 2, 5, to 15 years. Later she scaled that back considerably and settled on around two years. Again who knows, although I am pretty sure a part of her was unhappy and suffering for quite some time. I do wish she would have mentioned it, however I do understand how she couldn’t.

My own dive into the dark waters after BD was weird and hard to describe at the time. I kept very quiet about just how far I had sank. W did say to me, after separating, she thought she was going crazy (before BD). I suspect she had some very strange and painful thoughts going on which lead to “this” being her way out. How long until “this” doesn’t work anymore?

So the only tie left is our marriage, which she has started to cut. I do thank you for the timelines regarding all the paperwork and forms. I just don’t know any of that. She filed everything on her own and I was just a respondent. I was served in early November, everything signed and filed on my birthday in mid November.

As much as do not want a divorce I will accept the gift it is (birthday and all). It will lock down our separation agreement, ensuring financial security for me and my kids. It might even help her along her path. It might even further me along as well.

Have a great day Andrew.

DnJ