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Does anyone have any thoughts about Bipolar and M problems like this. Does it make any difference to course of action when it comes to doing 180’s and DBing?
It is common for folks to ask themselves questions like this. To seek the ultimate answer to "why they behave the way they do". Let that need for an answer go. Shift the focus back to you. The answer doesn't matter. What matters is treatment you allow in your life.
Kanga - there is no doubt that you have encounter a large emotional hit by your H. For that - I am sorry. It's a devastating feeling thinking something has changed and then feeling you have hit square 1.
From the bleacher seats - it seems like struggle to set boundaries for yourself and the boundaries you do set are form of control versus a protection of your heart. This make sense as your H is quite the boundary pusher and has likely been used to "having his way" for a long time in your marriage. It also seems like you are willing to push the boundaries you have set for yourself. This is just gonna lead to long term suffering for a very short term game.
Originally Posted by KangaB
I just can’t believe, I have begged and pleaded for him to contact me and to reconnect when he is being such an arse. I did actually apologise for keeping him out of the house when he was being so nasty. He in fact left the house and then wanted to come back in at 2am and demanded to be let in because he had no gas to get home. He was so rude, I just couldn’t let him in and he was angry.
Why did YOU apologize? Can you see how badly your H has manipulated the situation that you believe it's your fault. Stop that. He's an adult. He wants to act like an a$$ - he has his own home to go to.
Originally Posted by KangaB
As I said, I will re-read what DnJ has written. Sage advice. I’m extremely sad and lost. It’s coming up Easter and we have always spent Easter together for 9 years. I just can’t believe I’m here again not having a M and feeling like I’m up against XW.
You are not up against your XW. Yes - she is difficult but she is NOT the problem. Your H's ability to cut the cord with her is. Keep your focus there. And don't let her into her house. Your H may allow her to push him around - but not you.
Originally Posted by KangaB
Our plan since I thought we might have been piecing (how naive of me), is to sell the house and H moves across to me as a form of semi-retirement for him. However, I did notice that the plans on his side were wavering, where he was unsure about coming across and living with me, only a few weeks before him picking a fight..
There should be at least 6 months of changed behavior and you should be able to clearly feel the difference. It does seem like you provided a solution to him for awhile versus him making a decision to come back into the relationship?
You will KNOW when he has changed. You won't have to guess. You will know on if he has finally cut off his relationship with his XW. You will know when he's done being a man child and owns up to his part... but that won't happen until after his thrown his fits, gaslight you, manipulated you, and any other behavior he has always done and your response is strong and unwavering.
And I will end with this. You can't expect people to treat you a way you aren't willing to treat yourself. You can't expect your H to respect you - if you don't respect yourself. So start with you respecting yourself and then expand to others.
You have to care about your well-being more than your marriage. Sometimes when you do this - the WAS wakes up and decides to come along for the ride. But either way - you deserve a life of peace and love... and that is a happy ending only YOU can provide.
