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Like you, when I was earlier into this, I often thought it would be easier if my spouse had passed on.
Last year at this time, I may have said that it was equally as hard, yet different.
This year, I can tell you that if I had the choice to make, I would choose Divorce to go through over this.
Some of what you talk about is true. When it's fresh, there are people around you that care, yet that fades like the Sun right after the funeral. Most people are not equipped to deal with loss.
Whether it come from Divorce, and certainly not with Death.
I felt through my Divorce that there were things that came into play about which set of friends that each of us got to "keep", and that aligned with who they were listening to, and getting the story from. And the people who wanted to remain neutral stayed far away so that they didn't "catch" the Divorce bug.
With death, for me, people seemed to be much the same. Most of them say "If there's anything you need, let me know" , or "were here for you if you need anything" which I have learned is an old Indian term for..... I'm gonna stay all nice , safe, and warm here in my own corner because I don't know what to do. So I will do nothing and let the heavy lifting of contact lay with the person grieving. It relieves their guilt over not contacting you because they really don't know what to say, and want to listen even less. Because they gain nothing by just being there, which is all that we really need. Some of my most important phone calls were blocks of time with no words spoken.
Being totally honest, there is a small part of that being an isolation that we create. There is "widows fire" (look it up), there is those old familiar feelings of abandonment that creep in. We push people away before they walk away from us. And if you think that you got tired of well wishers telling you to move on with Divorce ? The silence of them wanting to tell you, the not answering a phone that you have witnessed them being surgically attached to in person, or hearing the heavy sigh on the other end of the phone when you start talking about your partner, the "one day at a time", or the "it will fade in time"....
I would say mostly because their lives haven't changed, and we all mostly have a short attention span when it comes to another persons pain. We say that we are here for people, yet in reality, we are here for other people when it's convenient...
And if you don't believe me, all 3 of the people that responded to you have my personal contact info, ask them how long it's been since they have asked me how I am doing .....
My love for her will never fade in time. And I won't just move on without her. My life from this day forward will be with her living in my heart, and learning how to live while I miss her.
So yea, for me at least, the pipedream of the Hollywoodized "having constant support" is laughable, and I can tell you that every support group I've been in, all say the same thing.
Death vs. Divorce....
After living both, I feel that the purpose of DBing and the route that I walked during my Divorce was to lead me away from the co-dependency of that relationship. I actively was pursuing detachment with a slow steady letting her go with Love, while learning what, "if you love something, set it free " truly meant.
My goal was to let her go...
Through her death, it has been the complete opposite of that. One tries to cling to everything, anything, anyone that will somehow teach you something new, a new story, a shared picture, something that you haven't seen before. You search through and listen to voicemail just to hear the voice one last time, and quite possibly be able to save for down the road. You isolate (which only enhances the exit of friends and well wishers) because the pain of losing them is too intense to deal with. You can be in a room with a million people, yet still feel totally alone in the world. The only thing that you can think is that you want this pain and loneliness to end, by whatever means it happens. That one new thing that you find or hear is what keeps you here and willing to face another day....
The Divorced spouse is still here, and they have life, free will, and a chance at turning around and being in your life....
The deceased spouse has nothing left to offer the world except their memories, stories about them, and pictures. Your love has to carry you through a lifetime of living for you both, and seeing the things that you planned together, living the dreams that you made together, and finding some level of happiness that they can no longer be a part of....and all of that, lives within every facet of your heart.
My Ex wife still lives in a small corner of my heart, and I will always love her in some small way.
K took my heart with her when she passed.
I would never wish either on anyone, because they both share similar pain.
Every road is different for everyone walking it....
When my Ex left, the moving truck backed up and took all of her things....
The Coroner van doesn't have a trailer hitch....
You see one of her things....she's gone
You think of something you want to tell her....she's gone
You see her picture...she's gone
You forgot a couple boxes of your things here....she can't swing by and get them.
You need advice parenting a child...she's gone....
You can't remember the password to pay the power bill....she F'ing gone...
I didn't lose her once and done....I STILL lose her a thousand times every day....
With my Divorce, comparing the 2 for myself, after a year, I was detached enough to start moving forward with my life, for me, and I didn't feel like I lost her over and over again. I wasn't devastated at the occasional interaction with our history.
I don't wanna get all soapbox with you, and I'm not trying to diminish what you have gone through.
I just want you to understand that the differences are not what you might think that they are. And if you are trying to understand, then I want you to have as much information as you can get about both sides of the subject.
Until you've experienced each side that you are discussing, you can never fully understand it. I tell young men waiting for the birth of their first child, that nothing I say to you can describe what you will feel when you watch your child being born, yet IF you've been there and have witnessed it ? I don't have to describe it to you, because you know... There are no words to accurately describe each pain, because they are as unique and individual as the person experiencing them.
