An update...

I arrived here some 6 years ago and found the MLC forums and it was describing everything I was experiencing. I read the new people news, and I thought 5 to 7 years for my husband to return to human status. That's too long. We'll be faster. I got this.

I've thought we were piecing before, and I got myself smashed in the face with the shards of broken hope when he got overwhelmed, hit me in the jugular, shut down and asked me how many times he was going to have to tell me he was done with this marriage.

But he never moved out.

Two days ago, he brought me out with him to a rock cliff to show me how to rappel down the face of it. He turns rock cliffs into useable climbs for rock climbers. He's taken leadership role in the local rock climbing community. Even made the news for his efforts to make sure new outdoor climbers, a surging population, in the pandemic didn't injure themselves and could find mentors. He invited me to come scrub rock (take the moss and growth off so it can be climbed), so I could see what the work entailed. As we drove the hour to the cliff, he told me his plan to support me and help me manage the inevitable fear of a trusting a rope go lower myself over a cliff. Earlier memories, from way before the bomb drop, bubbled up as I remembered him drilling me to improve my scuba skills and his lack of care left me with a serious ear injury. The difference between his thoughtfulness back then as mylo ing husband and now, as my MLC spouse who has done actually incredible growth worth... I started crying and trying to breathe to come.back to center. I stiffen and I know he knows.

"Crap!". I thought. "I'm having BIG FEELINGS. Surefire was to ruin the day. Stop it, stop if, stop it.". Year of trying to be the reformed Lbs spouse screaming at me internally that this is against the rules. I'm way more terrified of his shut down reaction to my big feelings than I am at rock cliff.

Almost caught my breath, he says, "you know why I haven't gotten to the (various house chores post a recent renovation). It's because I'm getting all our scuba gear organized so we can go diving."

My favorite thing. The thing I also associate with the best years of our marriage.

So I lose the battle with hiding my emotions and I just sob. Bent over my lap in the car and sob.

I also feel the fear.. that fear of letting my guard down. And I feel so much empathy for him too. This is my fear of fully rekindling our relationship, and he's so much more afraid than me.

I put my hand on his shoulder, intending to reassure him and he seems to wiggle out from it.

"Was that a wiggle away?".
"I'm driving and I'm trying to manage my own emotions."
"It's okay. I just need to know what it is, so I can respond appropriately."

We sleep together two nights a week. There is hugging and I can now touch him affectionately without freaking out. There has been no kissing, nothing like that. He makes statements now about being committed to coming back and part of me knows we are still years away and wishes I'd left. Friends have gotten divorced and remarried in these years.

Most of me is glad. He is truly actually deeply a better, more loving human than I married. I'm so proud of him and of us.

But 6 years in. I couldn't counsel new folks that it's worth it.

I'm a therapist and a great one, and I couldn't speed this along. There are no shortcuts.