I have been away for a few days...my thread locked up and so has my DBing efforts.
So ya'll know that H was away on his first business trip since the bomb...in OW's city...and started pulling the same old tricks about not being back as originally planned. I was doing a very good job of focusing on the positives, choosing to feel peace about his actions, enjoying his increased phone calls. But over the weekend, truth started coming out of the woodwork: it became clear that he is still very much involved with OW, perhaps both of them.
I am finally realizing something I've avoided for years: He is a pathological liar, and has been for many years. I have been learning about manipulative relationships, and mine is classic. I am now able to identify his tactics, and I'm beginning to stand up for myself. It's something I have never wanted, would never consider or picture myself doing, but I have finally reached a place of peace about taking steps toward D.
On Monday, I told him that I am going to file. After initially throwing guilt and other obviously controlling statements at me, he opened up and started talking, giving me nearly reasonable explanations for the things I discovered this weekend, and admitting that he can start trying harder. (He's always had fairly reasonable explanations, and I've always wanted to believe them, but upon close examination, they never hold up.) The next evening, when I started talking about the things that are absolutely crucial to keeping our family together, he was defensive and manipulative, blaming me for everything.
I truly can't trust anything he says or does, which is very difficult for me, because I have made such effort and am naturally very trusting. I wanted so badly to trust him and keep this M together, but alas, he has no desire to make any effort at REAL changes: counseling, ending current and future 'friendships' with OW (he can't see anything wrong with doing things as friends!?), returning to church, spending more than three evenings a week with the family.
Unfortunately, in light of the affair he had before we were married, and two more in the last three years, his complete lack of desire to look at himself, repent and make a committment to me, I have to realize that his problem is chronic and something I WILL NOT allow myself and my children to be exposed to over and over.
I can't say I'm perfect, but I can honestly say I've given this everything I possibly can. And I'm willing to do more if I see hope. But isn't there a point where I have to realize that his issues are far deeper than anything I can do and cut my losses?
Aud- I feel for you and will pray for you as you enter this very difficult time.
Maybe you need to do the Last Last Resort Technique. Give him the ultimatum of filing unless he does a,b,and c etc. If you truly are prepared to file and go through with it, do this and if he does not hold up his end, I believe and so will many others, that you have done everything possible to save your marriage. Having done that, you can be at peace with your decision.
Good Luck and may God Bless YOU
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Thank you MC--I know you understand this whole mess.
My H is the kind of guy who will throw an ultimatum in your face just because you issued it. I knew that going in to all this, and it's why I kept going until I finally reached a place where I can call his bluff and mean it. Without the 'you do this or else...' attitude.
I have considered the LRT. Yesterday I loaded my kids in the car and drove 900 miles to visit friends for a few days. He's still in OW's city. I have been taking his calls, but keeping things short and sweet. I really don't want things to get ugly...don't want to trigger his nasty side. But he's not going to make this easy for me. I know that he knows every button to push with me. But I just cannot be in this situation forever.
Wow Aud. I have been thinking of you lately since you have not been on here. I am sorry that you feel that it has come to this point but are you really sure this is what you want to do? You just need to look at the whole picture and decide if this is what is best for you and your children. My thoughts go out to you. Maybe it is just time to stay Dark for a while. Try to have as little contact as possible unless it is about the kids....
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I emailed H today to let him know we arrived at our destination safely, and have had no contact with him at all since then. Something's changed...he's been calling often, even yesterday, after our last icky talk. Nada today.
Aud, Coming in from the other side of the thread and am so sorry to hear about the current events. One impression I received when I first read your new post was how totally grounded it sounds. There was no fly off the handle emotions, trigger responses or mud slinging. I for one am congratulating you on an immense amount of progress. You have done so well with all your efforts but I have to agree with OSU and the others. I think going dark and melding into the LRT is a good option. For some strange reason I don't get the impression that it is the end, though I certainly get the feeling that your rope of tolerance is willfully slipping through your fingers. Hey no real advice coming from me other than I am really proud in how you are handling yourself and YOU should be too...peace
When doing the after-the-last-resort, should I send an email clarifying some things from our last conversation? I think he left that talk thinking that his minor (and very doubtfully truthful) concessions to the partial list of changes that HAVE TO BE MADE to save our M will be enough to hold me at arm's length for now. I'm through with him thinking I'll just keep giving him chance after chance.
Better to just let it be and stay dark or be clear?
Aud, I don't have any good advice for you, but I know I do understand how you must feel and I am proud of you for learning about your boundaries, and not letting him push you past them. You are more than worth it.
I would just remain dark, IMO, no need to hold his hand and guide him through stuff. He's a big boy; he KNOWS what has to be done, even if he plays dumb.
{{{Aud}}}
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
