Well here I sit after a long hiatus, pondering things. I simply cannot sleep tonight and I don't know why. I don't know what has made me feel so low today but I think it has been coming on for awhile.
Spent the day with my ex and her new H and my former in-laws and my children today and before you say "well duh, no wonder you feel low" I'll add that day went fine. I had no (and have had none for awhile) heart pangs over her. Although, I was reminded of the loss of family when I got home. A double whammy for me with very little family left of my own.
But it may just be that I had spent quite a bit of time this week with the kids since I was off work and they were off school and so the sudden feeling of loneliness is stronger.
It may also be that it has been kind of a rough coupla of days. The ex, for the first time in a very long time, made me feel pretty badly... twice in a matter of days - not really on purpose, I think - but among the many layers of THAT issue was the idea that she stepped into her old role nicely, informing me, when I thought I was cruising along fine, of all the mistakes I had been making. Dang! Just like being married to her again! Except, of course, I'm not.
In plain terms, I heard from favorite callers Friday - bill collectors - money has been a problem lately. I had the money, for once, having taken on a second job and just gotten paid. But the joy was they called the ex too! And I got to have that talk with her. Not about the money but about how I "seem to be having a lot of trouble getting things done lately" and how if she took the kids more I could have enough free time. All very nice and sympathetic you understand, but still making me feel horrible. I mean, am I slipping that bad?
Well, I put that to rest. I informed her that more time without my kids wasn't going to make the world a bright and shiny place and I borrowed some money from my brother to get caught up.
But wait, there's more. I had to put my dog to sleep Monday. That's always a pick me up, but just before that, the ex calls and asks me if I "would feel comfortable" at Thanksgiving. Keep in mind SHE asked ME to come a month ago.She made a point of it, two days after she married OM. I didn't know they got married until the next weekend when S4 mentioned it casually, but I found the timing interesting. Can we say guilt?
But anyway. I was feeling fine about Thanksgiving until she cleverly sowed doubt in my mind with that little crack. She mumbled something about "like at Christmas". Huh? Veteran readers will remember that at Christmas the scenario was repeated (me, ex, kids, former in-laws) except OM wasn't supposed to be OM then. He did show up, late in the evening, sneaking in the back door of her house and fading into the background. No one said a word - including me. So I am not sure what the reference was to. Except maybe it wasn't me that "felt weird". I mean I was the only one NOT lying at the time.
Good and not so good to see you all at the same time. I'm glad I'm not the only one sitting alone tonight. And you're not alone, of course.
John Mayer just killed on Letterman with some lovely blues so very well executed. It fits for me.
My heart goes out to you. The holidays are going to suck for a while. Don't know if this is your first D. It will be my 2nd. But if you want to feel bad for someone else, consider a friend of mine.
Today would be her 34th wedding anniversary, tomorrow her late husband's birthday. The anniversary of his death, the death of her sister, and the death of her father, which all happened within about 3 years of each other, these dates all fall between now and New Years.
She's been hateful about Christmas music for years and I don't blame her.
I try to remember that it's just another day.
If you want to attach meaning to days, sounds like your x remarried on or about Halloween. If that helps.
If you need a laugh just head on over to my thread and enjoy the shenanigans that I've been involved in on and off the topic, on and off the thread.
Life is still good, I'm still standing.
I'm so sorry to read about your dog. I get steamed at mine from time to time, but I don't look forward to that event in my life. The good news is that there will be a loving creature ready to adopt you when you decide you're ready to be adopted once more.
Don't give up, man. It only gets better from here. You know that as well as any of us.
AL!!! You're back!!! I'm not glad that your are feeling kind of down, but I'm glad you posted again. It's good to see you. Yes, holidays are hard. Money problems suck. The X getting married sucks no matter how much we feel "over it" because on a very superficial level it feels like they have now "won" somehow. I understand what you are feeling...and you and I both know you will feel better soon.
I'll be back to check in with you when I have more time. I am among the crazy people who are venturing out to the stores today - I don't normally but money is tight enough this year that if I can get a couple of things at half price today, it will make it all easier. So if I survive THAT, I'll talk to you soon!
(((Al))) I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Sometimes, things just suck and you have to get through them. But that would be the case in spite of our X's, debts, etc.
Sorry about your dog, BTDT too. Hang in there, Al. We're all here for you.
Hey BigAl, it is so nice to get an update from you. Sooooo many times I've thought about you and wondered how things were. But I didn't reach out and make that contact, sure wish I would have!
I lost one of my dogs in June, he was the best helper around here and so faithful to his people. I miss him daily. There is no way to fill that spot, but I wouldn't give up my chance to dance to avoid the pain.
You are a good man Al. Don't let anyone make you feel any different.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
She's interacting with you in what is for her a familiar pattern. There's a certain expected back and forth between her and you. It's been played out so many times before.
But for you, it's an interaction with no upside. You're not going to learn anything new about her. You're not going to get your point across, because it didn't get across to her the 1000 times you've been down this road. No cheese at the end of this tunnel.
My XW got a notice on the car payment being late. I told her yes, it's late and it's getting paid. End of story.
If she starts up again, just tell her "I'm really busy now and have to go".
Holiday arrangements:
I'm not sure what kind of R you intend to keep with your XW. Is the "holidays together" thing really a long term solution? You should have your kids on certain holidays, and while I know going kidless on a holiday is a bummer, would it be better for you to have a holiday on your own with the kids and not her?
For example, I have my kids from Dec 20 to Dec 26 this year. They will have Christmas with me at my house. It won't involve XW or her H in any way, shape, or form. If she wants to have Christmas with them, she can do it on the 27th.
This might sound pretty categorical, and it is. Through experience, I've determined that a healthy level of interaction with my XW does not include sharing my holidays with her in any way. She generates drama all around her, and it's not a beneficial thing for me or my children. That's my boundary, at least for now. Yes, she was my W at one time. Yes, she is the mother of my children. No, I will not share holidays with her.
I guess my main point is that you might need to draw a boundary somewhere. You need to put that boundary at a place where you can live with it and be happy, where you don't feel stepped on or ambushed. If other people manage to draw a boundary in a different place with respect to holidays and the X, that's fine for them. But there's nothing to be gained by putting the boundary in the wrong place for someone else's sake, because it will lead to long-term resentment from you towards XW/OM, and that's not productive.
How does the old saying go? Good fences make good neighbors?
So glad to see you back here. No words of wisdom. I'm pretty tapped out lately. The holidays do stink. Don't know how long it will take until that gets better.
Sorry about the loss of your dog, too. Lost mine last year at this same time. I still miss him. Thought it was telling that I missed my dog and not my STBXH. That remains the case today. Hmmmmmmm.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be better.
(((((((AL)))))))
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Hey lookie at all the old pals still here! Thanks all. Thanks for the support and advice. Thanks too from the new folks (or newer).
I will point out that the relationship between the X and I is really pretty good. It is quite wise to observe that the old dynamics don't change - I realized that too, after the fact. In stress times, the things you went through when you were married automatically happen again. Sometimes you forget that.
As for me, I realize that I have had a sort of low time lately for lots of reasons. Money trouble leads to worry and more importantly, at least for me, led to inactivity. Not much socializing, no working on the house, no (gasp) book buying. All those things cost money of course.
I am happy to report a little breathing room after months of this and I feel pretty perky. I am even more happy to report that the old DB instincts kicked back in too. Acting as if, doing 180's, trying new things are all excellent tonics for anything that ails ya. Dang, I forgot.
For those who it has been too long talking to (and yes WCW you DO know how to get ahold of me!) I'll give you a quick report.
Nothing new.
No just kidding. My kids are healthy and happy and growing like weeds. My relationship with XW is really quite good. I realized today that something was eating HER recently and I felt a bit of the side effects. Don't know what it is with her and don't care frankly, but if I wanted to guess I would say it was newlywed jitters (I mean, by the time it is number 3, you have to have some wee bit of doubt I would think). It is just as possible that OM or someone else fed something in her. Or maybe she is just on the...alright that's mean and sexist so I won's say it.
Meanwhile, work s good. My a$$hole of a boss left this summer and I exerted my influence to get an old and dear friend in the job. She has been doing wonderfully and I have regained some responsibilities that I had lost under the last one. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said I don't won't new responsibilities, but now I see I was uncommonly bored at work.
I also now see that I have been lonely lately. I intend to get out more and rectify that. My old friends and several new ones have all been great, and I forgot that life is much more fun surrounded by them than home alone.
BTW, some old DB buds long gone from the boards are doing great for those who don't hear from them much. Ruthie is good. Jennbird too. I haven't looked around to see if WCB posts still but she is doing well as well. Lisa, I see, is keeping you informed.
I think I am going to mastermind a New Year's Eve Party at my house this year. It is my new idea to help shake things up. I'll check with my friends next week and see how booked everyone might be, but if there is interest, I am going for it.
I guess there is not much else. To all my old pals, call, e-mail or whatever whenever. I always love to hear from you (and yeah, I know, those things work both ways).
Hey Big Al, I'm thinking holidays are overrated. Passed the one year anniversary of D, but this is year #2 holiday wise, and I still get teary eyed, etc. I think my mom's death on 11/10 (we were not close) followed by XFIL's death about three hours later on 11/10 (we were close) has exacerbated my down feelings about "holidays."
Yesterday, I did some re-eval and wrote some birthday goals for the upcoming year and that cheered me up.
Hope you are feeling better today. Glad to hear work is going well...one less stressor.
