My H definately piecing but me...

[kasiopeia]

Sometimes in life we have to be the caregiver.Some people are good at it and others not.I think that you are showing how much you love your H by doing this.It is called unconditional love.No matter how angry you are, you will still be there for him.If he can't see through this now,that you are working on your marriage,he will realize it one day.When times get tough,the tough get going.I think you are stronger than you think.Praying for you,K

[74Kim]

I do believe that I am strong.

He left on Friday to stay with friend, never packed a bag. Sat a.m. he took the girls for shoes, never packed a bag. Late Sat night after I knew he was done working (4:00am)I called him,just to tell him how much we love, care, and are scared for him. I couldnt fall back to sleep, then 6:00am he walks through the door. Crying his eyes out that he can not be away from us. And I was so glad he come home. In theory it sounds good for a seperation, but neither one of us can do it. I realize for now that I just have accept that he loves me, really know it. And not worry about how he can show me, or make me feel. I have to support him in everything.

I think that I have forgiven him about the A. I know I need to tell him that but I want to make sure that I have. Plus if I tell him that I am afraid that he will feel worse about himself. I would rather forgive him, than live a life without him.

I think I am on my way, but I have to help him.

Thanx!

[SvenTheRed]

Hi Kim,

Took me a while to follow up - I caught your post over on prplheather's and thought I would respond to your question. I had a look over your sitch....I would think there is a lot of hope here. And remember you always have that.

Look, on the GAL thing. For me, I just recalled back to what attracted WAW to me in the first place - when we were first dating - I was "unavailable", spent a lot of time with friends, mountain biking, skiing, etc. Over the course of the marriage, I "lost" a lot of my friends, was a homebody - pretty unintersting. Throw in the fact I wasn't paying attention to WAW's needs, my kids, etc. and it created a recipie for disaster.

So to GAL, I started picking up all those things that I had let go of so long ago. I started working out, lost 35 lbs, started playing bass guitar and going out with friends. In the meantime, I also wrote a life mission statement that pushed my focus back on my wife and kids. I got another chance to be a father and that has paid back ten fold - I'm closer to my kids than I have been in years.

All that said, I found an inner happiness and realized that my marriage was a preference and not a need. THAT single change I think is what has opened all kinds of opportunites. It was NOT easy, trust me.

Short story - for you - consider the things that attracted your husband to you when you were first dating. And beyond that - what things have you always wanted to do. I'm convinced that most people want to be around other people that emenate happiness. So when you find something that makes you truly happy you become that much more attractive.

One other thing and I hope it doesn't come across wrong - because this was a tought one for me too. My WAW has a lot of "baggage" from her upbringing. I cannot say if she would have "truly" been happy if we had D'd, but I cannot say would not have. I came to realise that all of that stuff is her's, not mine. I cannot fix her - she needs to do that herself. She tried for years to try and "fix" me - only to get frustrated and kick me out. It was then that *I* decided that I didn't like where *my* life was going and set a course to change it. I would say the same for your husband. I don't have any suggestions on what to do - other than insist that he get some good therapy - and/or keep up with the MC. That is good stuff - but be sure that it is solution oriented. It's much better to feel like you are working toward something. I too have a touch of the ADHD (don't we all?) and I know that when I feel like I am working toward something - especially with a partner, I find great satisfaction in working it through.

Anyway, hope that helps in some way....I'll try to keep following along.

Sven

[74Kim]

Thank You so much for your insight.

I try and remember what attracted my H to me, It worries me because I feel it was for wrong reasons. He was a recently single dad. Not that I was a rebound R. But the mom ran out on the S, and left my H to care for him. Thier R had been over for sometime. And I, a confident nuturing woman took care of them. Gave them both the love that they deserved. I accepted his S right away and pretty much gave my H my life. I did stop doing the things I enoyed, to spend time with him. He could count on me at anytime. I guided my H to be the man he always said he wanted to be. But now 10 years and 7 kids later. It seems to have all changed. He had reached the man he said he wanted to be, the provider and a very good father and H. So I no longer had the time nor energy to "mother" him. So that is maybe, in his eyes that is he how he seen me caring for him. And being that I stopped doing that, he felt I no longer cared. But I want to be his wife not his mom.

Being that I put my "things" aside for now, he seems to be alot more pleasant. Now when he comes home from work, we have nice short R talks. He actually believes that we are fine. That he does nothing wrong towards me. I dont get that. I was able to coarse him into seing the Dr with me. I exchanged MC for a Psych dr. But we will see if he'll go. I dont want to stop MC though. But I was fearing for his health, so I thought anyway I can get him there. But now I am regretting the exchange. So since we are getting along maybe I can work on him to go to both.

I also had a revelation, After he told me about the A things were working so nice, other than my feelings about that, he was being the man I always needed him to be. Than it was like BAM it all stopped. It did when he had to start working doubles at the bar everyday. So I completely think it is the stress form over there. He is very serious about finding a new job, and I think that will have a big positive effect on our R.

[cat03]

I exchanged MC for a Psych dr. But we will see if he'll go. I dont want to stop MC though. But I was fearing for his health, so I thought anyway I can get him there. But now I am regretting the exchange.

I also had to do that for a while, he was way down there and really needed some medication. If he isnt whole there isn't much he can offer you, my H would say that to me constantly during the lowest part of his MLC-Depress: "I am empty and numb, I got nothing to give you"

I so understand the parent-child R in a marriage with an ADHD person, one becomes the caregiver and while one spouse puts up with the bear's share. The other is carefree and wondering why the former is resentful, a cycle I'm careful not to repeat, I used to do everything for my H. By being in the "home improvement committe" I also thought and told him how much better he could do things or/and would do it myself. I have to bite my mouth a lot and just let him do his things even though "I know" a better way.

[74Kim]

I too bite my toungue with alot of things. Which is hard for me because it is in my genes to be controlling and always right. My mother is terrible with my father and when I was young I swore not to be that way with my H. Most times I can do it, but there are times where I wished I just didn't open my mouth. But now, He hasnt done or touched a thing in this house. it is completely falling apart. It is because he takes no pride in anything in his life. There are holes in the walls, screens out of windows,broken door jams, broken bunkbeds, the girls need things hung in thier room, At least 3 major unfinished projects and really the list can go on. But I keep my mouth shut about all of that. I think that stuff is not at all important now. but I can complain to you guys.

Kim

[cat03]

obviously you havent been in my house, the bushes on the front of the house are almost as tall as the house itself, the jungle is eating the back yard and the house needs a coat of paint badly, if it isn't a "fun" project it isnt' on my H's agenda either (arghh!!! @#$@#$, ok, venting too)

*sigh* need a handyman here too, but by golly, if my sister can paint so can I! as soon as some huge bills are taken care of I'm painting my room, I don't care how it comes up, I'll do it myself.

[kasiopeia]

Hi Kim and Cat,
Praying for you ladies.I admire your strength,with your H's depression.It is not easy.I have been depressed and it is really terrible,you don't care what you do,things get pushed aside.If you have the drive to work on your house you can do it.If you have a child that can help ,enlist them.I know you can't do it all,but a little paint makes a world of difference.Maybe your spouse will join in and help a little.Piecing is difficult but when you love each other i believe it can work.Take care,K

[74Kim]

I have question. When H is depressed and you are the only one trying to help him through it. Is it a bad move to ask family members to step in to help. Without giving them all the dirty details. Will H resent me for doing so, or can it not hurt to have as many people that care aboiut him, show him?

thanx
Kim

[kasiopeia]

When i was depressed i didn't want anyone to know.I hate being seen as weak.I also hate asking for help,so i struggled with anyone knowing.Now that i am better i feel like it is good to tell my story so it can help others.You will be surprised how many people tell you their problems once they find out you have some of your own.I would still tell only those that really would be helpful and not judgemental.There is a difference.If you tell someone that your H respects they might be quite helpfull in the situation.Take care,K