My H definately piecing but me...

[74Kim]

When I thought about asking him to move out, I honestly wasnt being manipulative.At least I didnt think so. I do think it might be better to be apart for awhile. But at the same time, I am scared of him to go. And I just wished he didnt want to. Not that I has hoping, he didnt want to. That is one thing I have never done and never do, I dont play any kind of games, Because I know I would probably get burned.

We do go to C and he says he goes to help me get through this, Not for us, but for me. That just burns me, but anyway he'll go I'm fine with that.

I know my expectations of him are high at times. And I do feel I should take them down a notch too. but I dont want to compromise my feelings. I am hurting and he caused that. He did this to me and I want him to fix it for me. I really know deep down, that it cant happen that way, but I want it too so badly.

Ya know on Sunday when I told him my feelings, I felt so good and strong about things and myself. I felt confident in my decision. I told him that I needed to figure out how I can fix this for myself, not depend on him so much. Yesterday, I still felt great. But BAM, today...Im a blubbering cry baby, with no confidence back into my depression. If I am driving myself nuts, I am dtriving him nuts.

I always want complete honesty from all of you. I know that the truth usually hurts and that it will help along in this process. You all are looking in the best intrest. I appreciate pure candidness.
Thanx!

[cat03]

maybe manipulative was too strong a word, sorry, I don't think you took that decision lightly, you were very strong by reaching to that conclusion.

I am hurting and he caused that. He did this to me and I want him to fix it for me. I really know deep down, that it cant happen that way, but I want it too so badly.

I feel 100% that way, he should be making it up to me but I'm the one who finds herself trying to please him. The sooner you understand that your H is still in no shape to fulfill your needs the better, it has hurt me to come to terms that my own H can't offer me affection and solace.
It took me a while to understand, and a few posters here to help me see that.

It's sad and unfair honey, I waiver a lot, "do I want a man that doesnt' love me right now and for whom my needs aren't a priority?" but be strong, this will sound corny but remember a song that said "how can be lovers if we can't be friends?"
What attracted him to you? be that person. We can do it. One day at a time.

It's a big decision, to have him move out, I don't blame you if you are hurting right now, I pray that whatever time you guys spend appart helps you see the situation from a distance and remind you of how far you've come, hugs))))

[74Kim]

I cant figure out how to be strong without needing him so badly without coming off as if I dont care. I am so afraid that he will think that I dont. I can so easily get a chip on my shoulder. How do you balance that?

[cat03]

It's nice to feel needed, but not to have a needy person around. Carry on as you would before he left, if you find yourself in the same room as him most of the time, move on, go out and do something you like.
I can only think of one reason he'd think you dont' care, if you openly ignore him, otherwise be supportive without being overwhelming, do ask about his day but also let him do his thing, whatever it is he likes to do to relax, you know what he likes.

Again, remember how confident you were when you were dating, be that attractive person again. DOn't over analize things, I tend to do that too, or read too much into stuff.

[74Kim]

I definately over analyze everything. That is a problem for me with everything in my life. I think I am gonna tell him that All this stress is no good for him and us, So he can put us on the back burner if he feels he needs to. I will still be here going through my daily climbs, But I will try not and let that effect him. He has a tremendous amount of stress from the business. And he literrally can not deal with all of it. All these stresses is hard for a "normal" person.But his brain capacity is very limited. It always has been. So on my "good"days I know I have to be the strong one. But those good days are so limited. I thank God for the good ones and pray for intervention on the bad ones.

Kim

[cat03]

my H has ADHD, because of that he can't handle stress, he panics and is easily overwhelmed, he can only handle one thing at a time, hence, his school work is first in his mind. For as long as I've know him he's gotten rotten jobs, this might be the best job he's ever gotten, he can't fail his classes, guess that's why he just can't concentrate 100% in us.
I totally understand, it isn't something he choose to do, that's the way his brain is wired. So I need a healthy dose of patience 'til all is said and done. His training isnt' over for a few more months, jeez...

[74Kim]

I know my H as ADHD as well. He had it as a child, but now he refuses to get treated for it. I am trying to convince him more than ever to be seen by a dr. But that like everything else has to be put on the back burner. He too has always had crappy jobs, never lasting more than a year. But this one is the best he has ever had too and it is slipping thru his fingers.

Last post about me telling him to worry about the job stresses is out the window. I just got off the phone with him. I told him of all things he must accomplish,the most important is to get her out of his life. He tells me nothing is going on, fine I do suppose I believe that. But I told him that he has disrespected me enough, and I refuse to put up with it any longer. That to me is very important.I cant just ignore that he sees her occasionally, or she calls him sometimes. If it is over it needs to be completely over. I told him we will see what he values more. If he cant just do that, Do I really want him if he cant value me. I can work past his A but to be continually disrespected on a daily basis. I cant ignore.

You keep telling me, to be like I was when we met. Confident. Well that is what I am doing. I am standing up for myself. I feel like I am constantly being humiliated by him. It hurts like hell to give up a dream that I have had with him. But if he cant work as hard as I am, I may be better off. As hard as it is for me to say that or even think it. Some of the things that I have requested of him can be put off in time, but this one I just cant. I need my dignity back.

I told him, that I do need my distance if he cant honor me. Maybe I will be sorry for doing that, but I cant go on everday wondering if he has seen her or talked to her. I am just driving myself crazy here.

[cat03]

for crying out loud, another simphatetic soul!!!! living w/an ADHD person is something else alright.

I dont' know how much you both know about adult ADHD but I do know it plays a huge part on the break up of a marriage if both partners dont' know how to handle that. My H was on adderall for a while, first day he loved it, then to get the new job he stopped, also said it made him concentrate on one thing way too much. So he takes nothing, the only thing I try to do is supplement his diet with omega3 for whatever good that might do.

I go now and then to http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/, that's where I learn lots about people w/adhd, man oh man, you need LOTS of patience, as if it werent' hard enough to deal with the daily strains of marriage one needs to be on the look out for many traits that can affect the relationship. I know that ADHD also has lots of positives, I dont want to put anyone down, but if someone isnt' medicated nor in therapy and in DENIAL it is mighty hard to deal with.

If you havent yet, please read the book "delivered from distraction" or "driven to distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, an ADHD expert who's also a dr, and who by the way cant' take any meds becaue he is one of those people who isn't affected by its effects. Great chapter on relationships.

Because of the ADHD sometimes I feel my H has learn nothing and he also despairs because he sometimes falls back into old bad habits and forgets so much.

[74Kim]

Went to C alone because H blew it off. But it was good for me. He is definately out of the house. We talked good about things, and he left on a kissy note. I truely think things will be better off. I just hope he can get out of this depression he is in. He absolutly hates himself. He told me so. Hates himself for doing what he did to me, hates that he continues to be a screw up, hates that he is terrible to our children. I told him he needs to see a dr for help, but he refuse to go still. I just enforced how much we love him, and will be here to support him.

Please pray for us!!

Thanx
Kim

[74Kim]

i am very scared for him. I have put"us" on the back burner and am completely there for him now. I am scared to death of what he might do. He has a lot of guilt issues. Ijust keep enforcing how we love him and need him.