My H definately piecing but me...

[kasiopeia]

kim-how are you doing?I hope you didn't look over the phone bill.I agree with cat and TL,it only makes you feel worse if you find anything you didn't really need to see.I also did my share of snooping,it did not change anything.
We can't change that the A happened.We can not make it dissapear.We just have to decide if we want to forgive and try to work on the R,or forgive and go our separate ways.
I also agree that prayer really helps.God dosen't put us through more than he knows we can handle.He does not allow A's to happen,people allow them.We have our own choices to make.
I know you are having a hard time,i know your pain.I don't expect you to just forget it or get over it.That is why i always say it takes time.It is not easy.Some days are easier and then some days are terrible.These boards are good for helping people vent,it saves them from taking it out on Spouse.
I believe that the spouse acts cold sometimes because they don't really no what to say to us to make us feel better.They know they messed up and i guess they can say sorry so many times,but the real healing comes from them Showing the love and change for better.I really hope you had a good day.take care,K

[74Kim]

I have really thought about what all of you said about the rings and I agree. I had given them back to him, when he told me abou the A. Yesterday I told him, that I am ready to wear them. I married him for better or worse and this is definately the worst, but I chose to work through this. I told him that they were given to me at a time when our love was pure and genuine. And that is definately a time I do want to forget. His face lit up, but stupid me, kinda ruined it cause he was getting ready to just get the rings and give them to me.But Of course I threw in, I am ready, but I only want you to give them to me when you are ready. Now, if he takes too long I will be mad.

Also about the snooping, I am being strong so far. At one time when we talked, I had told him if the A continues I will not put up with it. I can not wait till he gets it out of his system. He told me it was over, so I have to believe him, but I told him If I find out otherwise that, we are done. So I can not continue being blind to what is going behind my back. If anything. I will not be made a fool of again. The funny thing is out of all the values and morales that have been taught to me,loyality and honesty were my stongest. And I take it very hard when I am violated in even a small way. Just a lie about something stupid. So for me to move forward I have to know for sure that it is over. So if that means I have to snoop I will.

We are going to a new T today. That is a good thing.

[kasiopeia]

The funny thing is out of all the values and morales that have been taught to me,loyality and honesty were my stongest. And I take it very hard when I am violated in even a small way. Just a lie about something stupid. So for me to move forward I have to know for sure that it is over. So if that means I have to snoop I will.

Hi Kim,
_i also have a hard time with the breaking of morals and values.I think most people here do.Any of them are hard to get back once broken.I hate to be lied to.So once again, in comes strength,and forgiveness,how much we have to give.
I can't say much on the snooping ,i have done my share in the past.Some people have to know all the details and others don't want to know any.Everyone is different.Take care,K

[74Kim]

I went to the T today, it was really tough today, but I feel great now. She actually opened my eyes to some things. And I can understand where my H is coming from now. Now the hard part is trying to stay in this zone for a while, until I can take another step forward. I dont want to go back to where I have been.

Thanx
Kim

[74Kim]

I have been thinking about 2 things that were said in my T session the other day.

The 1st coming from the therapist. She said I am acting the victim role, well Duh I am the victim, but anyways; She told me to look at it like If I were in a playground and a bully pushed me down, I wouldnt ask the bully to pick me up. That I would pick myself up right? Well, I agreed and later I keep thinking about it. I not only would pick myself up but I would fight back like hell. Letting nobody walk over me or push me around SO, I have decided to ask my H to move out for awhile. I am too needy for him and he knows it. He has come back to easy. I want him to appreciate me and I want to know that I am loved. I dont want him to tell me that he loves me because I beg for it. Or call me because I plead with him to call me every 3-4 hours. I want him to call me because he wants too. I want him to have a smile on his face when he is on the phone with me, not a disgusted look. I want him to be the first to grab my hand when we hold them.

I accepted this way to easily. I do not think he really understands the velocity of this whole thing. I keep saying he is doing all the right things, but it just seems so forced.

I do not want to punish him, but I do want him to realize what he has here. Becasue I really do not believe that he does. I want to be cherished and adored. And I dont want to ask him for it. It should come from him. I am no longer gonna be the victim. Let him be one for awhile. Let him suffer for the mistakes he has made. He wants to forget it and move on, it can not be forgotten. 2 months and it cant be gone for good. There are things that I am asking him to do for me, well no longer,he knows what he needs to do. When I see a complete change in him that is when we can move forward. I can not better myself with him here. I depend too much on him.

The 2nd thing that was said was from my H. I asked him to be a romantic like type. Now, not extreme but just thoughtful. Giving him examples of what I mean. He told me I knew when I married him that he was not that way, he never was and can not change. Well, I ve been thinking about that too. When I married him he wasnt a cheater and he changed and became one. So I guess people can change.

Maybe I am being alittle harsh, and may even change my mind tomorrow, but I feel very good about it today. He was sick in bed all day today, while I was with 7 kids at 2 football games for 6 hours. I never called him once and when I got home he left for work, and I acted so strong, like "have a nice night, and hope you feel better"never told him to once call me. or acted scared for him to go in.Ya know he hugged me and held me like he didnt want to let go. It felt nice!

[ACJ]

Kim I've never read your posts before and have only read your last one. however one thing struck me completely:

do not want to punish him

If that is the case why are you asking him to move out? How can you work on your M properly if you aren't living together? I noitce from you blog that H had a PA. Again I don't know how long this has been over but if it is recent aren't you running the risk of pushing him right back there.
Just observations.you have to do what you think is right for you.

[74Kim]

I am not angry or bitter about this. I want to completely work this all the way through. I just cant do that with him here. I am so needy for his attention. I follow him around like a puppy dog looking for his attention and affection. I don't mean to punish him, but I need to worry about myself and my needs. I need to stand for myself. I was always a strong confident person and I think with him here it is just enabling me to become that person again.

If it would push him back to where he was then, that is a risk I will take. But having him here is not helping me. If that would be the case that he run back to her arms. Then all this work so far would be just lies on his behalf. An I will truely know how he feels about us.

The A lasted from may to july. He left for only 4 days, couldnt take being away and then came clean about the whole thing. I took him immediatly back. and for the 1st month it was wonderful. We worked thing out so well, but now he is done with it.Dosent want to talk about anything and the attention he first gave me is gone. I just think we started working things out way too fast, before it settled in with me.

[kasiopeia]

Kim,how is it going? Are you still in counseling?If you decide for him to move out i hope you both still go to C.I at first asked my H to leave also.That only lasted a few days.I couldn't handle him being gone,so i let him move back in.It was hard on the kids also. That is when i told him i needed the 3rd party and we went to C.It made all the difference for me.Take care,K

[74Kim]

I am very lost and scared today. Sunday, I told him how I felt about him moving out. I also told him that I need Ow completely out of his life. Even if he sees her just for a minute when she is picking her mom up. He needs to tell her,she cant come in the bar for any reason. I also told him he needs to make some kind of peace with my family. He completely alienated me from them. They do not know about the A but they know he has screwed me up big time. I told him that I need to feel appreciated and loved not because it is forced by me, but because he genuinely feels it. I think it was a complete shocker to him, he couldnt really elaorate on his feelings then. And he seemed okay with it. But today of course, I brought it up and asked how he felt about things and what I had shared with him. Well, it turned into a fight. He asked me why is it all in his lap. Why is it left for him to fix. That he has way too much stress, with the bar(business is really bad, and the owner wants to close it down),he's looking for a job, and now this. NOW THIS? What, is this new? That comment worries me, because the last time he felt too much stress, he ran out and had an A.But he also agrees that maybe he should move out. Because he knows this is not working right now. Which also scares me, because why can he so easily go. I thought maybe he would put some kind fight for that. I Am just so confused. I dont know if I am coming or going. I dont know how to work thru this. I dont know what I want. I just want this to go away. I hate my life sooo badly. It is so unfair.

He left so angry. I dont want him to be and I dont want to be sad. I dont know if I should call him to just smooth things over for today, or just ignore what happened.

[cat03]

Which also scares me, because why can he so easily go. I thought maybe he would put some kind fight for that.

Please remember I say this w/love and I myself use the techniques you are using with our H. You "thought" he'd do xzy when you mentioned a drastic measure, that is call manipulating. You want him to do things your way, I'm the same, i'm trying not to be.

If you didn't think it was for the best, you shouldn't have brought it up, you wanted a reaction from him. You have your take on the sitch he has his. I too wanted to follow my H like a puppy and cater to his every whim, but every time I see him I stop myself, I train myself to go to another room and do something else, get myself busy.

Some people benefit from some time apart if they are toxic to each other. Was that your case? In my case I had to turn down my expectations a few notches, I couldnt' have the wild romantic lover my H used to be right now. Asides from the ML, we are learning to be friends, to treat each other right, to unlearn the wrong ways.
Yes, I do hurt because I do not feel love from him now, but I have to remember this process takes a long time.

Yes, it is unfair, it will be for a while longer. Give him some time to cool off, ask yourself if you'll become closer by living appart, I dont' know if you or both of you ever did C, now would be a great time.

This piecing business is as hard as having our Ss back.

Why would your family be against you? Oone of the things you can talk about (later) w/him is that in time you'd like him to go talk to them if that will fix things, maybe he isnt' ready to face them yet.

I've also just heaped an unhealthy dose of strain onto my H who's in training for a new job, I sort of feel bad, but again, he has to face up to his responsibilities. I"m a bit scared, but if he really wants to work things out he'll meet me half way.